|Reviews for Turning hate into love|
| Xaja Taerich 11/20/12 . chapter 2
There's potential here, and I do like how sneaky you've made the Padawans to be in this. XD
First point is to add periods at the end of EVERY sentence, instead of just hitting "enter" to go to the next line. ;)
Second, I know we discussed this in the chat room, but the Coruscant Temple is the only canonical training ground for Jedi during this time period. And I know you've made your main OC out to have been married before coming into the Order, that's stepping into Sue-territory. Remember the huge fuss that was kicked up by the Council when nine-year-old Anakin was initiated into the Order? Yeah... it'd be outright impossible for an adult to join the Order.
I do like the idea that you have Qui-Gon and your OC start to reconcile, but it feels like it's moving too fast. It could *start* in this chapter, but ideally, this would take several chapters for them to work through. Realistically, you do not go from hating someone to 'friends-ish?' in the space of a couple of hours.
Both of these Masters are coming across as very immature for older, revered Jedi. I like the idea that they can greatly dislike each other, but Jedi would act that out differently- cool attitudes, snarky comments, dry insults, sarcasm, stuff like that. They wouldn't be bitching at each other like pre-teens, if you'll pardon the expression. ;) I'd suggest re-working your dialogue so they start to come across as adults instead of kids- as well, the current state of affairs with their mutual dislike of each other is bordering on Sue/Stu territory. The Jedi Order (especially the High Council) wouldn't let two Masters get away with being so immature and bitchy with each other- you can keep them angry, but make it subtle. ;)
There's room for improvement, but I've seen a LOT worse. Your grammar and spelling are passable, just need a few tweaks, and I've definitely read worse characterizations of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan- so there's hope yet! ;)
| Runic Healer 11/12/12 . chapter 1
Hi Beth This is Ren's owner here and this will be my review. :D
There's potential here and room for improvement, so let's start. :)
First of all, you need to be a little more friendly with our punctuations. Each sentence cannot end without one, and there are several techniques employed in dialogues to complete them. Punctuations give emotions to spoken words and they're very important in giving the reader the message you want to get across.
-"Fine, I'll go alone" shouted Qui-Gon for Obi-Wan to hear him-
Qui-Gon shouted, so the sentence would be more appropriate if it had an exclamation point at the end and a period at the end of the sentence outside the dialogue.
-"Fine, I'll go alone!" shouted Qui-Gon for Obi-Wan to hear him.-
Just a note, if the sentence is declarative or does not end with an exclamation point or question mark, you could use a comma instead.
-"Nice meeting you both," said the girl and ran behind Kisar.-
To make things even better, we don't need to add a dialogue tag to every dialogue. We could use an exposition or action not related to the dialogue instead to keep up the story's pace.
-"Nice meeting you both." The girl waved at them with a smile and then ran behind Kisar.-
It depends on how you use it and how you want to pace your narration.
Next is the characterization. I think it'll be better if we get a slight look inside the character's heads. In movies, actors have to be linear and their expressions have to be obvious in front of the camera because viewers have no way to know what they feel if they keep their faces blank.
For written works, there are still advantages and disadvantages.
-After Qui-Gon left Obi-Wan got out of the bathroom and stood behind the door with his arms crossed on his chest and a smirk decorated his lips.-
You will have to detail. That's a good way of showing what character's feel instead of sticking to just dialogue. Small things can make big things. A best way to show expression is to write down some small details like a twitching brow, a bobbing adam's apple, a shifting gaze, and more.
-After Qui-Gon left, Obi-Wan exited the bathroom and stood behind the door with his arms crossed on his chest. A small smirk played in his lips, his eyes glinting with smugness and mischief.-
The more detail a story has, the more immeresed and colorful the story will be. This is also important when it comes to characterization.
It's best to show than to tell.
Instead of saying that the characters are angry, show that they're angry. It may include the flaring of nostrils, narrowed eyes, reddening face, and clenching of fists. These small details is crucial on how they react to certain things. Since Qui-Gon did something one character did not like, also considering previous actions that made them hostile in the past, this is a good way to show how the conversation went.
The Voss stumbled back a little in surprise, and then turned towards the bearded Jedi with a reddening face and narrowed eyes. "How dare you?"
"After everything that happened, you somehow had the dignity to come to Coruscant." Qui-Gon crossed his arms, his eyes were hard as he stared back calmly at the intense Voss.
"It was a matter of dignity, (i)Master Jinn(/i). As a dutiful padawan, it was my job to inform the masters of what transpired." The woman smirked smugly, hubris was clearly written in her face. She held her head high and remained unfazed.
Obi-Wan, not too far behind his mentor, stepped behind his master. He peered at the woman, staring curiosly before asking his master in a low voice, "Who is she Master?"
It's not that your OC is a Sue, but the delivery made her feel a little flat. Showing more emotions and physical expressions will solidify a character's standing and it will also impact your readers in more ways than one.
I hope this really helped and I do know that this story has plenty of potential. :D
Thanks for reading this until the end! :D
-Runic Healer (owner of Varen Ydyel)