|Reviews for Indiana Jones Kicks Major Butt|
| XStrawberryDuckFeathersX 11/13/12 . chapter 1
You're improving! I think this is the best of your stories. You're now starting to form stronger plots, and you're including some basic conflict in your stories now, making them more exciting to read. I really like your grasp of grammar and spelling; you rarely ever have anything misspelt when you send the DocXs to me. :)
CRITIQUE AND SUGGESTIONS:
'Thank you for reading the story. It costed quite a large amount of money to make this, so I hope you like it. If you find the hidden mistakes in the story, then please tell me so I can make it better. Oh, and yes all of this happened in real life. If I dream about it, then I know it's real, so it happened sometime in history. You just have to believe.'
I must admit, this confused me. How come it costed you lots of money? provies a '100 % free service'. And I'm confused about the 'if I dream about it, then I know it's real' since a majority of dreams are unlikely to come true. It may have happened, but it does seem extremely unlikely. :S Sorry if I'm coming across as rude, feel free to yell at me if you think I am doing just that - but this was just very confusing for me and I'd appreciate it if you could explain that part to me, please. :)
I think the parts you need to improve on now is resolution. Indiana escapes all of the conflicts too quickly. You need to make him face more conflicts to make the story more exciting.
For example, 'Letters were carved into the rocks- letters that spelt his name. The Mayans were on Earth before him, so how did they know his name? Then, he thought, maybe they didn't. Maybe, due to an empty water bottle and being under a blazing hot sun for most of the day, that this was just a hallucination. He decided to continue.'
Instead of it just being a hallucination, maybe some hidden Mayans were expecting him to come to the temple, so that's why his name is there? Then you could have him having to take part in a battle with some Mayans. Give him some more obstacles to have to get past; make it harder for him to reach his goal.
Maybe, somewhere in the temple, there could have been snakes? Indiana Jones's fear of snakes would have meant that he needed to find a smart way to get past the snakes.
I suggest trying to create stronger conflict, and don't make it as easy for the protagonist to achieve his goal- make him overcome obstacles, if you know what I mean.
'Big explosions of fire and lava! Lots of action! Adventure! Super ninja kicks and undiscovered temples! This is the summary because they are all awesome things, just like this story. If you want epic excitement, just click on this story and travel to the unexplored regions of the map.'
The summary should explain the story, and this summary contains a few things that don't actually appear in the story. Maybe change it to this:
'Action! Adventure! Undiscovered temples! Indiana Jones travels to the unexplored regions of the map.'
Keep up your writing; you're getting better. :)