|Reviews for Bitten|
| Deity-of-Words 2/6/13 . chapter 1
First off I’d like to say that I’m not overly familiar Chrono Cross so I cannot comment on whether or not your characterization is good or bad but I will say that while I was reading this story, I immensely enjoyed the way you wrote the characters. And, as others have said, the fact that you wrote this has been written from a male’s perspective is wonderful. More often than note I see stories with a similar nature to this one written from the perspective of a woman. So this is a different and unique story. Very memorable too.
You have an excellent way with words and I found your description to be fantastic. I personally love people who are able to write so much detail into their works, which you did a wonderful job doing but I also love how didn’t spend a copious amount of time describing the unnecessary details and instead pulled me straight into the moment.
Overall, I really enjoyed this despite not being familiar with the fandom. You have done a wonderful job and please keep up the excellent work. :)
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 1
Loved it. I even teared up a bit near the end. Well done.
| The Bitter Kitten 2/4/13 . chapter 1
This is lovely! I don't know the fandom, but you bring such depth to your characters, it's easy to get swept away in their dramas. And such drama it is! The widow and the brother-in-law. I like that you paint it as the gray area that it is, and that they get a happy ending. It's a hard thing, to have a dead brother between you, and I like that you didn't quite brush Dario away, or skim over the full scope of what they're doing. I also like that since this is Glenn's POV, Riddel is this gorgeous force of nature that he's helpless against.
Your writing is lush without being stuffy or purple, and it sort of... melts away as I'm reading. It's more like listening to Glenn talk than reading a fic.
| StormRex Lancer 2/3/13 . chapter 1
First off, I am a sucker for romance story, and wow, that is rather steamy, I have to admit. What with all the sensuous words like 'sleeping with each other' and 'pleasure rippling through the body'. It's also touching, Dario's brother, who's also Riddel's servant, dealing with Dario's death is never easy, more so when Riddel is trying to forget and move on with the death of a loved ones. You described their guilt for indulging in each other very well, their fears, pleasure, both physical and emotional without going too much to a point where it will become 'M Rating'.
Some conjunctions mistakes, though. Some sentences beginning with 'But' and some paragraphs can break up into several small paragraphs because there's a lot of dialogue in one paragraph, can be confusing at times. Other than that, it's a pretty solid romance story, a good idea that can be enhanced further with breaking up certain paragraphs into more paragraphs, especially those that have initially more than two dialogues in one paragraphs.
| Verran 2/2/13 . chapter 1
Not familiar with this fandom, but with this story I didn't need to be. It was so complete in itself that it could easily have been written as an original story. I detected a medieval backdrop - mainly through their titles, she a noble woman and both brothers were knights, but mostly through their dialogue.
For example he says: "Do I somehow disappoint you? Does my disposition seem not right? Have I offended you in some manner or another?" And even though she tells him to stop being so formal she still says later "Do I displease you?" This does soften up though as they finally start to open their hearts and are honest with each other.
Your writing style handled the love scene beautifully, and this mix of euphoria and misgivings he experiences - he's drawn into it all yet it's unbearable for him at the same time. There are so many layers of emotion.
There were a couple of glitches that jolted me out - the section that starts:
/"You don't mean that." I had turned suddenly on her, viciously even, and grabbed her arm in my hand./ - I think this is supposed to be Riddel's line but the tag suggests that Glenn said it. It also makes the line of dialogue that follows a little ambiguous, too.
Also this line: /"It's just I don't know what to feel with Dario gone. I don't know how I should feel. We've hardly ever talked about… this… about us… and every time I let myself run away with you I feel so… so guilty. And I know you feel it too, I feel it in your bones, in the way you lay, in how you hold me. It's like you're gone… somewhere else… it's like… it's like Dario is always with us and it makes me sick and angry and sad all at once and I hate it!"/ - again this feels like it might be Riddel speaking here (especially with the speech pattern towards the end) but since they both feel exactly the same way and are only just articulating it to one another this could just as easily be Glenn speaking.
Other than that, this was a beautiful piece about two grieving souls who are doing their best to console one another. I thought that Glenn's very honest opinion of how he thought Dario would initially be angry but then accepting and even happy for their new relationship, was lovely.
A great read.
| Tune4Toons 2/2/13 . chapter 1
[Making love to the Lady Viper was an art]
I was just about to say that. XD
(Quick disclaimer, not that familiar with Chrono Cross, but it looks like that won't even come close to breaking my understanding.) Even from the very beginning, there's this poetic imagery of them [making love] that it's almost dream-like, though I can imagine from the situation Glenn mentions that it is like a temporary dream, so that worked out quite nicely. :) I really love all these dimensions to him that you had as well, not only his moments of enjoyment and hints of ego, but his insecurities as well; there's so much to him! And Lady as well, I honestly expected that usual sharp viper-queen demeanour, but I like how she has such a vulnerability in her voice: ["Why do you always look so sad after…"]. The touches of viper metaphors really bring a lot of light to how strong Glenn's attraction to her is (without the need to have typical expository, fantastic!). There's such a lingering sadness in so much of his voice, which I guess from Dario and his guilt that would make sense, but even with the moments where he can feel and see the Lady's touch and emotions, we can still feel all of his deep, hidden sadness in it all too (aye yah, I just want to hug him, so much guilt ;_;). Not sure if it was intention, but the fact that they are naked(? Correct me if that's wrong heh) kinda brings that sense of opening up to each other that they finally have (I mean, after all that time, only now they finally do it!)
[I missed him as a little boy who desperately wanted his older brother back]
Oh my goodness, yes yes yes that! All that lingering presence of the deceased, love the play on that, it just never truly goes away. Fantastic piece you have here. The emotion within the words, though may it have hinted material not suitable for my age ;), it was great how you brought in the concept of old selves and the lingering pasts and one can't just hide it forever. Really enjoyed it. :D Cheers!
| Edhla 1/29/13 . chapter 1
HEY, SO I'M HERE.
I have no idea how I had it in my head that I'd reviewed this, but I haven't, so, yay.
Incidentally, I think it's actually good that I've read Bellflowers before I read this one; it gave me a more organic sort of idea of the Riddel/Glenn thing being able to see the origins of it from the ground up.
Wow, that's an awfully idealistic view of her there, Glenn. :D But I kind of love it, as it's a fantastic piece of characterisation. Neither he nor his brother are particular realists, are they? :)
"But she was a fallen queen"... I love the strength and dignity of your prose. I really, really do. This kind of writing is really hard to do without sounding hammy, but you nail it. Pun not intended, given the scene we're in the midst of :p
"This is one thing I'm best at." Again, this is an amazing piece of characterisation. It's such a small thing and you could easily lose the significance of it if you're not paying attention (or overwhelmed by the sensuous descriptions surrounding it!) but really, really beautifully done here. You're not just describing. There's method in it. I love it.
"Stop being so formal..." YES! Riddel, I love you, dear. If it were me, Glenn would find himself staring down the business end of a slap to the jaw. (I've had exes with knight-complexes who spoke to me like this. It's really, really annoying. I know his language makes more sense in context, but still, I can see why it would drive her up the wall.)
Awww, the part where he itemises all that he loves about her is gorgeous. So sweet. Squee.
And here we come to the crux of it- Dario. Oh, fer cryin' out loud, Riddel. Forget 'im.
Okay, maybe not forget 'im (that's a tad harsh on the poor guy, even for me.) Keep him in your memory, but don't let him ruin your current relationship and make things weird (or, um, weirder than they can already be.) I love that you deal with this one-brother-to-another situation so thoroughly with this, though. And Glenn's attitude that they have each other when most people have nothing.
"the Viper's bite." Again, thematically this is just wonderful. What a great little one-shot :)
| Super Serious Gal 3 1/28/13 . chapter 1
Wow. That was beautiful. The formal language threw me off a bit, but once I started reading it, I got really into the story. I don't know the fandom, so I can't really say anything on characters, or comment furthur on the language, but I loved it. It was beautifully written, appluad yourself for this fanfic. You did a great job.
| hiddenhibernian 1/28/13 . chapter 1
The first sentence really pulls the reader in, and it’s a creative metaphor you’ve come up with!
I like the intensity in the fourth paragraph; you really get Lady Riddel’s sense of urgency across.
You might want to use desperation rather than desperateness. Also, ‘the fair blonde of my hair’ could probably be replaced by just ‘my hair’, no need for epithets right there!
‘This is one thing I'm best at’ sounds a little mangled to my ears, generally you’d expect to hear ‘This is what I’m best at’.
‘…for wanting to move on when Dario could never make that journey with us.’ That’s beautifully written!
‘keep firmly established the role of consoling’ would sound better if you edited it a little, i.e. to ‘keep to my firmly established role of consoling'
I love Glenn’s declaration of love! Very earnest and chivalrous, isn’t he? The words are urgent and simple, and work very well.
The sudden reference to ‘Miss. Riddel’ is a bit confusing; would he not say Lady Riddel?
It totally comes across what you want to say in the paragraph starting with ‘She had collapsed into my arms…’; it does read a little wordy and redundant at times though, so I think you could edit it down and keep the sense of urgency you had going earlier in the fic.
Litheness – should probably be lightness
Ha! You totally had me going there with Glenn saying that Dario would have been hurt, well played! Didn’t expect him to say that at all, it really made me worried for a second.
I like the ending, the final three paragraphs work very well and have an almost lyrical quality.
Overall, I really enjoyed your story even though I’m not actually familiar with the fandom. You got Glenn’s voice across very well, and also conveyed the sensuality of their encounters very successfully. If you want some gentle constructive criticism, it could probably do with being edited so it’s a bit sharper; some paragraphs get a little too involved and I think Glenn would tell his story better if some of the extra words and involved descriptions were trimmed down.
Finally, the title is excellent; it really draws the reader in and works brilliantly with the fic.
| SunnyStorms 1/27/13 . chapter 1
First off, great writing! You have a beautiful, melodic, wonderfully descriptive style of writing that is really pleasant to read. I did play Chrono Cross ages ago and remembered that I loved the game, but to be honest I barely remember much about the story or the characters (-.-;) because it was so long ago. This piece though stands perfectly well on its own. You provided enough details that one can be pulled into the story without being invested in who the characters are to begin with.
The emotional progression in this story was done exquisitely (and what a roller coaster!) and really gave me a sense for the turmoil of your POV character, Glenn. I loved your attention to detail, which I feel is especially important for intimate scenes to successfully convey sensuality and emotions. Some great instances of this that stood out to me as I read were: "Her smooth thighs burned like hot coals against my hips"; "The whites of her eyes fluttered beneath the stark black of her lashes as they rolled back into her head"; and "a conviction so passionate I felt my bones rattle in my body".
In those examples too and in the rest of your writing were great use of vivid figurative language (like in your intro paragraph). I do have a suggestion to offer in that regard for even more polishing if you're looking to take the story (or just your writing in general) to the next level so to speak. You're clearly a very solid writer, so for that next oomph, consider really striving for precision in the figurative language you use. For example you had this line "wild like a halo" which I could kind of picture what you mean, but at the same time I thought, how is a halo really 'wild' though? In an instance like that, you might want to consider replacing halo with another image that evokes the sense of "wild" even more and the end result will likely be a stronger simile and consequently will conjure up a stronger image for the reader. The fact that I can comment on such a nuanced point of writing mechanics though is because like I said, your writing is already very solid, so I hope it doesn't come across as annoying nitpicking; I commented on it as I thought you might find it useful :). I noticed a few other instances like that in your writing where greater precision in your imagery I think will make the lines even stronger. I didn't want to bog down the review with listing them all, but if you'd like to know more in detail, I'd be happy to point them out. Feel free to PM me.
One other thing that really stood out for me about this story was the answer you had Glenn give in regards to what his brother would think about Riddel and Glenn's relationship. I was expecting the straight standard: he would want us to be happy. So I really liked that you addressed it more realistically (the fact that he would be hurt and angry initially but then become happy for them because of his good nature and his love for his brother and Riddel), and I think the scene and story as a whole was all the more poignant for it. Well done!
| Lazerwolf314 1/3/13 . chapter 1
[There was a certain desperateness] - ... I don't think desperateness is a word. If it is cool, but it's still strange. I would suggest 'desperate feel to her...' or something of the like.
[it was both sweet and sour with each time I fell victim to her lure and my desires.] - with should be and.
[I watched as her delicate features twisted and pulled] - A tense swap here; should be either twist and pull or as they twisted and pulled.
Few other little bits that don't really need attention (it's just me being nitpicky).
Honnestly, this is a wonderful introduction to a fandom I know absolutely nothing about. You have an almost haunting style of writing and you brought true life to Glenn, but moreso Glenn than Riddel. I could feel his emotions, understand why he said what was said. Just truly fluid.
Thanks for sharing.
| BayWeather 1/3/13 . chapter 1
I absolutely love the descriptive quality of this piece, detailed imagery is one of the best ways to set the mood in a story. There are a few unnecessary words that could be omitted to enhance the story! For example, this sentence does not need "her" twice.
-"I looked up at her as her body danced like a flickering flame on top of me." this could be changed to, "I looked up as her body danced like a flickering flame atop me."
The piece is very emotional, and you feel drawn in! The character asking questions in his head like the ones below really help make him believable!
-"Did she think of him? Did she miss him? Did she compare me to him often?"
Overall, I think this is a very entertaining piece. There are a few missing articles and incorrect uses of adjectives/adverbs, but that is very common, and I feel confident that you will be able to correct them if you read over the story!
| Great Angemon 1/2/13 . chapter 1
First off, let me tell you that I am not at all familiar with this fandom. That being said, I did enjoy this story. It was very well written.
I did see a few punctuation errors, but certainly nothing enough to detract from the story.
I'm glad that you wrote this story, and I hope you continue writing.
| ballofstring66 12/24/12 . chapter 1
I liked the way the title tied in with the theme of this and how you called back to it at the end.
I thought you wrote Glenn's inner thoughts very well. Expressing his anxiety that maybe she was just using him to remember his brother. You use some very expressive and fluid language which makes this scene feel very opulent and rich. Sometimes I felt it went a little overboard - e.g. where her yes were both ruby and maroon in one sentance but these instances were few and I still enjoyed reading it very much.
| IrishPanther 12/23/12 . chapter 1
So not really a lot I know about Chrono Cross, so I cannot comment on characterization. I did end up liking this one-shot. Loved the way you wrote the scene with Glenn and Lady doing their thing because some authors like to get real explicit and that turns me away; I'm glad you didn't go that route! Feel bad for Dario, but glad to know that he would except Glenn and Lady being together (from what I got, I'm guessing that Glenn and Dario are brothers, correct?). No grammar mistakes, so nice work with proofreading! Once again, I truly enjoyed reading this amazing one-shot!