|Reviews for Bellflowers, Batons, and Viper Churros|
| Naishu 4/12/13 . chapter 8
SO... it's been forever since I've visited this, but now that the semester is done I can read it again! :D! I'll be commenting on this chapter as I read it for no particular reason.
First off, I have to say that this is striking a chord with me. The older/younger brother idea is so woven into my own fandom that I can't ignore it (of course I'm a fan of Lyle, the canon 'younger' brother...though how he's younger when they're twins is beyond me...) anyways, Dario's sentiments are completely understandable. As he gets older he's understanding the dangers that his little brother is too young to understand. Somehow though, Glenn seems to understand that his older brother is wise beyond his years. It's really touching! The scene where Glenn and Dario are talking before the headless armor suit is particularly enthralling.
Once again you've managed to paint a picture of brotherly love, despite the fact that Glenn has an innocent crush on Dario's beloved. This brotherly pair is so touching, I think particularly to me as the Neil/Lyle brotherly pair in Gundam00 is so broken. The image of Dario and Glenn sitting on the 'not mountain-not hill' is wonderful, and what Dario says to Glenn is particularly touching. One day Glenn will be defending Dario as an ideal, not as a person really, he really will have to become strong for both of them, and this makes that scene so much more heart-breakingly wonderful.
I'm not sure when I'll get to the next chapter as I'm stuck in exams, but I'm always pleasantly rewarded when I read a new chapter of your stories, which is even more surprising when I consider the fact that I only know your fandom through google and the 10 hrs I played through an emulator. I really look forward to the next time I get to read this!
| StormRex Lancer 2/7/13 . chapter 1
First off, I'm still reeling of the frustration of the review you gave me. I have made a lot of tweaking from Her Royal Nonsense, and you make it sounds as if my piece is from Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room' or Battlefield Earth - good concept, but bad thing. I don't like it, so I hope you can at least appreciate my writing, cos I appreciate yours.
'He sighed again,...' from that part till the end of the paragraph, you could use lots of breaking up into smaller paragraph. Riddel and Dario are decently established. I can fully see Glenn's excitement and wanting to see dario's back.
"Why are you so pretty even when you are angriest with me?" is supposed to be 'you are very angry with me'.
Overall, you decently potrayed the relationship between Dario and Riddel very well. Their love for each other is solidly placed. I just hoped that can seperate certain paragraphs into smaller paragraphs.
| SunnyStorms 2/6/13 . chapter 1
Yeah, let me just say, "D'aaawwwww." This was a lovely, warm fuzzy feeling inducing story. I think it was made more poignant for me as well having read Bitten first so I knew about the tragedy that will eventually strike their lives. (Or should I say I was reminded of it because I think that event was canon, but like I told you, my memories of the game are way vague. Though reading these couple of stories from you has made me want to bust it out again, if only I can remember where I put the game. XD)
On the writing and story: I especially loved the liveliness you've imbued here in the character of Riddel, which really came through in the way you described her movements with great word choices - things like "she tumbled out of the Smithery's back door and spilled out into the side yard," "her hair danced whimsically," and "Riddel certainly swept in a storm wherever she went". You made great use of verbs that are full of movement to capture the sense of this fifteen-year-old girl who is full of life and energy.
You mentioned how you thought you failed to capture the brother-brother relationship, and though they didn't interact much directly in this piece, I thought it was especially telling of Dario's relationship to his younger brother in how he responded to Glenn's bluebell creation. He could have teased Glenn for it or diminished the act, but instead, it made him think about what he still had to learn from his little brother - that to me was a huge 'showing' of Glenn's maturity and love for his younger brother. On Glenn's side, he clearly idolizes his older brother as tends to happen in real life, and I perceived that his puppy-love for Riddel retained its child-like innocence at this moment in time; jealousy has not yet colored his relationship with his older brother. I found the little gestures you gave Glenn which showed off that innocence adorable - like the way he peeked through his fingers when Riddel and Dario got affectionate and how he "sighed again, with all of the conviction a little boy could muster."
There were little typos here and there, but I think others have already pointed them out. My biggest suggestion for you in this piece is about the paragraph placement of narrative action and dialogue. The convention, I believe, is that a person's narrative action, in conjunction with or without dialogue tag, generally is put in the same paragraph as the dialogue that he/she speaks. This helps to add clarity as to who is speaking and doing what, and in general makes it easier to follow dialogue. It also allows you to signify who is speaking through actions without needing to use dialogue tags.
So for example, you often had one character speak but put the other character's actions following right after the dialogue:
/"I have seen the bellflower bloom there before. I only want to check, Dario." Dario sighed, frustrated with his girlfriend's persistence.
"Sometimes you are too stubborn." She smiled playfully before she answered.
"Well then I learn it from you." And with that she darted from the gated yard, down the path towards Main Street where she would eventually find her way to the graveyard./
I think for better clarity and flow, consider tweaking it to:
/"I have seen the bellflower bloom there before. I only want to check, Dario."
Dario sighed, frustrated with his girlfriend's persistence."Sometimes you are too stubborn."
She smiled playfully before she answered. "Well then I learn it from you." And with that she darted from the gated yard, down the path towards Main Street where she would eventually find her way to the graveyard./
I didn't notice this so much in Bitten, so I don't know if formatting might have somehow messed up for this piece when you uploaded or if it was how you wrote the piece. Anyhow, I'll just point it out and leave it to you to adjust if you choose to, though it is however, a common dialogue convention so going against the grain there I think does make it more work for readers.
Aside from that, as a whole, I loved your take on the characters and the story. I had predicted that Glenn would be willing to go look for bluebells for Riddel when his brother was skeptical about their existence, but what you chose instead to happen was even better. That was so, so sweet of Glenn, and in a way was a neat foreshadowing of the future I feel - a glimpse of when he's there for Riddel when his brother isn't able to fulfill the role. So in closing, this was a lovely read, Blondie.
| Edhla 2/6/13 . chapter 16
Ohhhhhh and we're back to KARSH. I love me some Karsh and it's entirely your fault so :p
"Stark black" is a very nice word combo. Just pointing that out :)
"Whose profound homesickness he nursed..." this is a little awkwardly phrased. Maybe "even for their strongest warrior, Zoah. He nursed a greater homesickness than any of them there"? Or something :)
"What I say then?" Did you accidentally a word or is this stylistic? I can't tell :)
Once again your dialogue between Karsh and Dario- Karsh matter-of-fact and Dario lofty- is awesome. It flows so well and is the centrepiece for this piece.
"He was just a loon, Dario..." the punctuation looks odd to me here, but I dunno if it is or if I'm just a bit odd myself :)
Gruesome details? *Gets popcorn* Oh, WELL, you could have put more in :p The "Dario was left..." sentence seems a little long but again, that could well just be stylistic.
As with the last one, I side-eyed Karsh suddenly getting touchy feely in his commentary. While I think he's right about them needing each other, and I love that sentiment, I'm wondering ifh e wouldn't... I dunno, flounder a bit more or be a bit less articulate about it? Not sure. You know him far better than me.
Anyway, extremely awesome as always and WRITE MORE NOW PLEASE. XX
| Green Phantom Queen 2/6/13 . chapter 6
First thought i had on this title: reciting that annoying line of bells from that Edgar Allen Poe poem back in Middle School.
Anyway, weddings are happy times: the union of two people united forever and ever in marriage till death do them part. It's something everyone fantasizes...but only a few realize. And friendships are like relationships too, the tvtropes page calls them Platonic Partners or things like that. Karsh and Riddel have a beautiful relationship, but the quote 'laughed to keep from crying' shows that he knows that the two will never be together.
It also reminds me of that Gwen Stefani song "Cool" and the chorus line. Yes, she didn't get with the guy she liked, but the singer says that the two are hanging out again and things are fine/. It's sad and bittersweet but still happy because they're still close. At least, that's my observation.
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 11
The last two chapters (9 & 10) were top notch. This last one started out awesome as well, but I agree that the ending wasn't quite as good. That being said, I loved it anyway. You've consistently done a wonderful job writing Glenn, and I think you've made his awkward pubescent pre-teen years just as endearing as his adorable childhood. Also, you've made me like Riddel much more than I did in the games.
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 8
Finally, a nice piece showcasing brotherly love! You did a great job with Dario and Glenn. It's touching, and quite honestly, I got a little teary eyed at the end.
As a sister much older than her siblings I can really relate to Dario and all the emotions he must be feeling at watching his younger brother prepare for war. You showed some wonderful insight here, and I love the little hints of foreshadowing which are popping up in many of these pieces.
I knew you're do Dario and Glenn justice! Good job!
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 6
Auw. This was tragic, sad, and bitter-sweet. Karsh is solemn, and definitely tortured. I said before that I loved what you were doing with Karsh and Riddel, and I feel the need to repeat it now. Well done.
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 4
I thought this turned out lovely.
Karsh is charming, endearing, and a wonderful take on a younger version of him. It's definitely not a side of him I've seen before, but I enjoyed it. I thought you showcased his feelings for Riddel beautifully.
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 3
Auw. Once again, adorable. I'm loving your child-Glenn and Riddel interactions.
I think it's wonderful to challenge yourself to work on what you view as your weaknesses. This dialogue-only (mostly) piece was wonderful. It flowed well and nothing jumped out at me as awkward. It's fun, light hearted, and made me simultaneously crave a viper churro and want to pat little Glenn on the head.
| Meloriel 2/5/13 . chapter 1
I really loved what you did with Glenn and Riddel here. Glenn is adorable (he makes me want to shriek and cuddle him, which is a wonderful emotion). Riddel's repeated leaving and returning reminded me of the game (so many tasks!) and made me smile. I like how you portrayed Dario and Riddel's relationship, but I admit that Dario and Glenn didn't have much interaction together. That being said, I don't think they needed that in this piece. It was more about each brother separately and Riddel. I enjoyed it, and sincerely hope that I get to see the brother's showcased together in one of the other chapters to come. I think you'll do a great job.
| darkin520 2/5/13 . chapter 6
Ah, I was not quite expecting this title to be about Riddel and Karsh, but that was very refreshing actually. Not only that, how interesting that it's Karsh that brings up the fact there's a wedding and not Riddel. I love that Riddel is not a love-sick girl who dreams of marrying Dario. No, she's still young and wants to see all the world has to offer first.
Ah, but we all know Karsh has a bit of a crush on her, and I think Riddel knows it too. I love how he notices how she's changed and grown. I love the question he asks her, but I love her answer, too. Ah, and then when he reminds her that Dario would marry her at the drop of a hat...and then said he would do the same...well, that makes things a bit more complicated, hm? I do love how he recovers, though...telling her he doesn't need to because Dario's already claimed that job. I love how Riddel expertly handles this awkward situation and then steers the conversation in a slightly different direction.
Your story morals are always so lovely, and this one was no different. This was really nice, and I really enjoyed it. Well done, darling. :)
A few easy fixes:
innocent, they-innocent; they
rush right?-rush, right?
that, for as strong-that; for as strong
| Naishu 2/5/13 . chapter 7
Once again, you don't disappoint. Bromance, romance, and fluff! I don't know where you came up with the idea for this, it's hilarious and cute at the same time. I have to say, I'd love to see Dario's suit in person...it sounds shiny and wonderful due to the adjectives. *searches for shiny suit*
You've managed to illustrate the relationships between what I've come to call the 'big four' characters in this series - Riddel, Dario, Karsh, and Glenn (of course). I'm still awed that with so many dynamics going between them, there isn't any *real* jealousy/ill intent. It's kind of that wistful 'in another world' envy that's understandable.
It's nice to see Riddel losing some of her lady-ness in this chapter, but it seems that from time to time she's willing to let her mildly-neurotic and determined personality show. Of course, it's the worst possible time to have fluffy hair. On that note (scatterbrain that I am), I liked the title of this chapter. Probably for unintended reasons, but there's so much fluff between them, and so many demons in their future, and at the moment, the demon is fluffy hair. It's nice to see the simplicity before everything gets lost (somewhat, from what I've read of the game plot).
One thing caught me off-guard stylistically, and I think it might be a canon-thing that I'm missing, but the reference to a 'bad 70's movie' stood out as a bit odd. If the characters have a knowledge of the 70's, then it's my mistake, but if not in my humble, *really humble* opinion, having a canon-reference would work better. Please feel free to smack me if I'm being nitpicky!
Seeing Dario get rid of Karsh for being a brat was funny, and I got a laugh out of Karsh being a brat (of course). Watching the three of them as young kids probably would have been hilarious.
This line: "It wasn't just them anymore, Riddel, himself, and Karsh; it was the Lady of Viper Manor and the two Devas" made me feel bittersweet, even about my own life. You never really appreciate the freedom to be with your friends and be who you are without the weight of expectations until it's too late to do so.
Also, Glenn was adorable as ever! :D
| Edhla 2/4/13 . chapter 15
Just because I can...
FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTT! ;)
And now I'm sure someone will totally ninja me and make me feel like a fool. Good-oh.
"It was April" is a beautifully evocative phrase on its own, and I say that as someone for whom April is autumn :p Seriously, I can feel that breeze, and smell those petals. It's a simple description, you don't go on for ages about it, but it's lovely. And what's more perfect for weather like that? sitting in the grass outside with your besties.
Minor SPAG suggestion... I don't think this is actually wrong, but I would probably write, "Riddel braided Karsh's hair. He sat cross legged in front of her..."
LOL at Riddel playing dolls with Karsh (more or less) and him happily putting up and shutting up. It's very nice characterisation of Karsh, and of Riddel.
I am so amused by the idea of Dario's manly hairdressing. All yank and pull, I bet :p
"He did not want to be left behind." This is so true, and this is why I fracking love your writing. This doesn't have to be Karsh and Dario and Riddel and Glenn. This could be any bunch of teens/young adults. It's emotionally real.
This is *not* boring and not subpar and if it wasn't 12:28am right now I would trout you, woman :p
For concrit, I'd perhaps rethink those last words of Karsh. They seem a teensy bit cliched/sentimental, particularly for him. It may well be something he thought (I've thought stuff like that), but it seemed a little OTT when it was said aloud. The chokehold at the end, and Dario's choked response, was brilliant though. Beautiful stuff.
You are getting a trouting in ten hours or so, lady :p
| ReadingBlueWolf 2/3/13 . chapter 10
Firstly, I must say if she dropped the metal on the floor and it broke it must have been cheap to begin with. XD I loved how Karsh said exactly what I was thinking! That was just awesome!
I loved how this showed how vulnerable Riddel is. It was such a nice look at her character. It showed a huge depth in her. I really enjoyed how it was Karsh that came in and talked to her. It really added something coming from him instead of Dario. In fact, the scene would have been less of everything if it hadn't been Karsh that went in and spoke to her. I loved how he defused the situation. He took the medal, mocked its importance and then shared what was really important. That was amazing. In one swoop, he not only calmed her fears, but also told her what she meant to him. Well, to everyone, but especially to him without saying "you meant this to me." It was magical.
And then, there it was again. The fact that he's in love with her and can never say anything. You once again pull all the right strings showing what a doomed love it is in his mind. He's in love with his best friends girl. What a twisted triangle. Even in the few glimpses you show that in this chapter, it's still powerful. It's still depressing and it's definitely still sad.
As usual, I LOVE your writing. It's amazing and perfectly timed with amazing imagery. Great job on this chapter. I love it!