|Reviews for The five|
| BloodTain Hatena 12/19/12 . chapter 2
I see you've used my species and made refrences to Grododu! I'm very honored and must thank you. But I do wish you had credited me. Do you have a Deviantart? Who are you on DA? Do I know you? Anywho, I would love to be credited for the species that you used but I'm not mad or anything. So thanks again for using, hope you continue to do so! And Merry Christmas!
| TheCuriousJester 12/9/12 . chapter 1
OK, so many things to say...
First let me say congratulation for this being your first story, first stories are always the most nerve wracking (at least for me it was, so many were able to read it!)
OK, I like the idea you have for this story because I haven't seen it yet on the SGT Frog archive and I think this story has a lot of potential if brought out right. Although, this needs A LOT of work. Don't take what I say the wrong way I just wanna help. So here's what needs to be worked on:
Grammar: There were SOOOOOOOOO many grammar mistakes that I almost wanted to not read this story because it was a struggle to figure out what each word meant. After writing (or typing) a story make sure you re-read it and fine tune your story so that it's easy to read. For example, you typed " what are thous? What sould I do? Are they safe or will they hurt Kayla? " When I read it I read the word "thous" as one would read Shakespeare. There's also not a lot of space between paragraphs. It's hard to explain but when a person speaks, it's spaced from the paragraph.
Characterization: You start off by telling me, the reader, that the main character is 6 years old. As a result, I would imagine that the characters mindset is the same as a normal 6 year old would be. When I read this I thought "OK, little kids are curious so it makes sense that they ran toward it." but when I read later on at ' " ha I gess this is were I die..." I thout to myself ' I thought "hmm, doesn't seem like the kind of thing a six year would think or at least it isn't put out right" I thought it would go were the character who got hit would be crying on the floor begging for there mom and dad since it seems like the kind of thing a six year old would do. Also when I read at " Hey kay, um were the hell are we". I thought "Hmm, six year old's aren't suppose to have that type of language..."
I also have no idea what Allison or Kayla look like. For all I know they could have yellow Mohawks with orange monkey tattoos on there face (although that sounds pretty cool non). The only clue I have is that Allison is normal looking in which can mean she could have black, brown, yellow, or red hair, Tan, dark, or light skin, or blue, black, or brown eyes. I don't exactly see Allison's personality or anything that makes her stand out. When you create a character it's like painting a picture, there's always something that sticks out. For example, Natsumi can be violent at times which makes her stick out and affects the way she'll react at times, Keroro is lazy and won't do much except build gundum models and watch his favorite show. Things like that affect how a character will react to situations and make the story more interesting.
Overall you'll need a beta reader to help with your story and bring out the awesomeness this story has deep inside and to keep it from turning Mary-Sue. I hope you didn't take what I said the wrong way n-n and good luck with the story!