:)

I liked it a lot. It was amusing and easy to read.

Just one little thing. When you jump in time, you should put a horizontal line or something like that. For example, in this part

""It's for getting your hair done, you idiot."

Renzou stared at the fancy salon sign and gesticulated pointlessly, opening and closing his mouth a few times."

Between those lines there is a separation :P

Nothing important indeed. I found it really well written and "that was what really mattered" :D