|Reviews for Untitled For Now|
| ChocolateTeapot 3/31/13 . chapter 3
I really liked the encounter with the Hanoi guard. This line is great: "We are Persian 1st Warrior Division, scout class. We hail from Persia, and our leader, Darius I, would love to speak with your illustrious city some time soon. For now though, may we enter… what is the name of your city?"
The conversation with Darius seemed a little too much like a game's status report though. I suppose that's what it is, but perhaps it would be a good idea to cushion that sort of thing in a bit more non-game dialogue or make it reported instead of direct speech.
While I hope that you keep this story going, you have to know when you've had enough. One thing that might help is that you could consider increasing the amount of time that passes. I'm not sure what the turn length in Quick Pace is exactly at the beginning of the game, but I'm pretty certain that it is longer than a year, while your story is almost a day-by-day account.
| The Dark Knight 2/21/13 . chapter 2
This is a very good story! Please Continue!
| Ghostly Ghost 2/20/13 . chapter 2
This is a great story and I can't wait for more! I'm actually writing one of these using civ 4
| ChocolateTeapot 2/19/13 . chapter 2
The idea that this is a very new world, where the characters don't just discover a place where wild cattle live but actually discover them as a species is very interesting. Although given how silk is produced, I find it a touch unlikely that a group of scouts with almost no prior knowledge of the world could figure out that you can make good clothing with it in less than a day.
Details like the shooting star are neat and I'm looking forward to see what they have discovered.
| ChocolateTeapot 2/4/13 . chapter 1
This is very well written. It does a good job of conveying a sense of place.
Darius actions to figure out who is who make sense and make the Civ set-up seem like it could work outside of a game.
“The only thing I do know how to do is fight, read, write, and speak, and walk.” Perhaps “things” should be plural, but that might just be Deresh's voice. However, it strikes me as a bit odd that he knows how to read and write as, unless things have changed with “Gods and Kings”, I think writing is first researched after pottery.
“I say, loud enough for all of Persia to hear. (A/N: See what I did there? XD)” I like the joke, but I'd really advise against author's notes in the middle of the chapter, as they break the flow of the text.
“If it's 2 chapters long because I get raped by barbarians, so be it.” Using rape, which is both very traumatising and shockingly common, as a rather inaccurate metaphor for something actually quite trivial bothers me. Using something like “completely destroyed”, “overrun” or “buried in cars” (referencing the achievement) would seem better to me.
I particularly like point where they talk about the possibility of it being a game. I also find it very interesting that the narrator just dismisses it.
Deresh comes over as a likeable and believable character, which is very good.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!