|Reviews for The 76th Hunger Games|
| Cookie Spasms 5/8/13 . chapter 22
CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT DOING IT NOW
| jeenathespectrobesprincess 4/15/13 . chapter 8
Guards doing ballet...scary...
| jeenathespectrobesprincess 4/15/13 . chapter 7
Is Katniss hypnotized or something? lol...I say lol too much, don't I?
| jeenathespectrobesprincess 4/15/13 . chapter 6
Nice chapter. Loved the Starfire cameo by the way.
| jeenathespectrobesprincess 4/15/13 . chapter 5
Ah yes, 'The Ugly Barnacle'...such a classic.
| jeenathespectrobesprincess 4/15/13 . chapter 3
HIS NAME IS T- oh wait, I guess I shouldn't say it... you would draw on my face with a sharpie in the middle of the night if I did...
| Luna Goddess of the Night 4/14/13 . chapter 21
A bit of concrit. May I?
Your dialogue needs to be separated. Where one speaks, then in the next line, the other speaks. Example:
"Hello. It's good to see you again," she said.
"Hello, it's foot to see you, too." He waved.
I noticed quite a bt of caps abuse, too. Instead, for emphasis, italicise it. Caps hurts the eyes. Italics makes it flow better. The same flows for shouting. If emphasis while shouting, same thing. And normal font suffices. If emphasis is needed while in italics, then you use normal font. But as for shouting, use normal font, and words to describe the shouting.
And as for flashbacks, there's no need to have it say where the beginning is, and where it ends. Instead, have the character start to think on the flashback, and then have them snap out of it, coming back to the story.
And as for numbers, such as 11, 12, 13, or whatever, don't. Instead, wrte out the full numbers, like eleven, twelve, or thirteen.
And don't mention in the story itself in the fanfiction. It throws off the reader, and doesn't make it feel like a story.
And never hold updates off from the reader. It turns off your readers, making some not want to read. You should update because you want to.
And little paranthesis in the story, like (cough-sarcasm-cough) but are not allowed, and can get you reported. You may want to fix that.
And remember to add detail. The story reads rather blandly and quickly. Try to remember the five senses: taste, touch, smell, hearing, and sight. If you add some pizzazz to the story, you'll get a few more readers, and your story will flow even better.
And please remove the list you have early on. Lists can can you reported. Instead, make it a paragraph, with the rules instead.
The person who "flamed" you, wasn't a flamer. A flamer attacks your stories, without a way to offer help for you to get better. They give comments like "this story sucks" or attack the writer like "you suck, go take this off", things like that. Constructive criticism is meant to help yoou get better. Reviews are not meant to pat you on the back, but instead, allow you to learn from them. Lord knows I'm not perfect, either. She was only trying to help.
Can't really picked out what I liked, due to it being so short, and rushed. I suggest in the sequel to slow down a bit. I'll keep an eye out from more from you, with more concrit in the future.
-Luna, Constructive Criticism Guild
| Cookie Spasms 4/14/13 . chapter 21
YAY you're making a sequel WOOHOO! Go Niceness. I will read, review and follow that story as soon as it's up and posted. I had a great time reading this story.
Keep Writing and May the Odds ever be In Your Favour,
| Cookie Spasms 4/13/13 . chapter 20
YAY YAY, aww thanks , I have decided Rose' s dad is a moron who should be hit over the head with a frying pan then shipped off to PeeWee island and receive Maximum Torture MUHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Anyways... that was a great chapter and I'm sad it's nearly over, PLEASE MAKE A SEQUEL WHEN THIS STORY IS COMPLETE, I NEED IT ALL BADLY.
!COOKIE SPASMS \(0-0)/
| Cookie Spasms 4/13/13 . chapter 19
I quite like this story but its a bit wacky at some points especially Lizzy's families death she Didn't seem to grief about them.
I hate and love Linda. SOO sad she had to die though.
I love Tippy, I'm so sorry about your dog, he's in a better place though
Annabelle and Hewbert' s death made me laugh and cry
Keep posting and May the Odds ever be in your Favour.
| jinnyzoid 4/12/13 . chapter 1
I am here to give a critique for your work. I have only read the first five chapters and I've already seen plenty of mistakes and aspects in need of vast improvement.
–The story starts with some girl who you did not even name until you switched POVs. You kept labelling her as 'She'. I suggest you don't do it this way because it would get many readers confused. I started reading and I had no idea who exactly I was reading about because you put little to no descriptions at all for the character who was introduced first. Also how you suddenly changed from third-person POV to first person in the middle of the chapter just really confused me. You should put a line divider or the chapter is going to look really messed up because of the sudden change of point-of-view.
–Your dialogue is in one whole paragraph. The way you typed in the dialogue is wrong as well.
e.g. "Wake up, sleepyhead." I heard a voice tell me. "Five more minutes…" I replied sleepily. "You need to get up, your mom told you're sleeping in later every morning. She sent me up here." my cousin replied before lightly shaking me. "Fine, I'm up." I said as I got out of bed. "Now leave so I can get dressed." I told my cousin.
That is wrong. The dialogues should be separated like they're different paragraphs. Also remember that if the dialogue doesn't stand alone, end it with a comma (,) unless it's an exclamatory and interrogative statement or it ends with the triple dots. I noticed also the wrong usage of comma in one of the dialogues here. If you're separating two complete sentences, use a semicolon (;). For the last two dialogues, you do not have to separate what she says and you could simply put it in one line. See the corrections below.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," I heard a voice tell me.
"Five more minutes…" I replied sleepily.
"You need to get up; your mom told you're sleeping in later every morning. She sent me up here," my cousin replied before lightly shaking me.
"Fine, I'm up," I said as I got out of bed. "Now leave so I can get dressed."
–There's another problem with the introductions. This kind of wording is really awkward (see example below). It's like you're saying she just remembered her name and it was her birthday that day. I suggest you edit and let herself get introduced first instead of putting in her name there.
e.g. I just then remembered.
I'm Rose Snow, and I was turning 12 today!
–One very helpful tip to authors is the old SHOW–don't tell. It was like all I read was "I did this" and "I did that". Doesn't Rose have any emotions? Doesn't she feel anything? You should try to incorporate her feelings and thoughts into her actions instead of simply stating what she's doing. I won't put in an example from the chapter anymore because there's a lot.
Chapters Two, Three, Four and Five
–For the next four chapters, I won't go into detail with writing anymore because most of your mistakes in your chapters are related to the ones I stated above. What really bothered me while I attempted to read chapters two, three, four and five, was the fact that there is a rule called "No Katnisses" (That sounds totally unrealistic and I can't imagine any kind of Hunger Games actually having a rule like that) and Rose herself sounds like a Katniss to me.
–Rose volunteers. Katniss volunteered. Rose's reason is because she wanted to save a family member. Katniss' reason was to save her little sister. Even worse is that Katniss suddenly visits her without a good explanation and she "doesn't know why but she wants her to win". And her reason is because Rose sounds like Primrose and she kind of acts like Rue? How in the world does she act like Rue here? Then they became good friends... You should have at least showed how they became friends. You simply stated that they just talked a bit (And this was probably the first time they ever met) and suddenly they're best friends. I understand that you stated the fact that Katniss was out of character (very drastically out of character, mind you) but you could have at least made some effort to make it realistic.
I did not read the rest of the chapters because I believe reading the first five should give me a gist of how this story is. Already five chapters into the story and you still haven't given much personality in Rose. Sure, she's loving and cares for her family and stuff but it wouldn't hurt to put flaws. Actually, it would hurt if you didn't because I don't think anyone likes a perfect character. If there are flaws present in the future chapters, then good for you. What I'm trying to say here is that five chapters is a big chunk in your whole story and if she seems so perfect in these chapters, it would not give a good impression on your main character. I hope you keep all of this in mind to improve your story. I honestly believe it needs great editing to make it a decent start. Happy writing. –jinny
| RainEpelt 4/2/13 . chapter 2
Wow! I like this!
| jeenathespectrobesprincess 3/1/13 . chapter 12
I thought you were going to kill Hubert after Chuck. Oh well, Tip of the day: never review a fanfic if the author is in the same room as you (im such a hypocrite).
| NeonAngelx 2/25/13 . chapter 11
I LOVE THIS! C:
P.S Linda's boyfriend died because he ate Linda's muffin, Linda made one with nightlock in it meant for Rose, but it got mixed up and her boyfriend ate it instead?
| Guest 2/18/13 . chapter 7
this is a very good chapter mini book.