   Goddess JacquesPierre
2002-09-23 . chapter 1Not quite as compelling as some of your other stuff, but still good. I have a suggestion, though, for proofreading: You write: "The saint cannot save you. Once you’ve ** him." The two phrases don't go together; they clash. You need to connect them. "The saint cannot save you. Not after you've ** him", perhaps, or "The saint cannot save you after you've ** him." Flow of sentence and phrase is important, especially in poetry. A incongruous break like that one can stick in someone's mind and completely turn them off. Keep that in mind when you're writing and editing.
Also, the sense of the affliction isn't so complete as it is in your other works. You don't fall so completely into the character's mind. Perhaps if you didn't shift POV, or didn't put POV notes in at all. It's a matter of style, of course, and more difficult to read, but a lot of people don't understand your stuff anyway. I see a similarity in the mindset, though, and it would be interesting to eliminate the POV markins and just let it flow. All you really need to do is sweep your reader up, at this point. Make them read it, really read it. Make them think. Your work may make some 'net-people double take, but that's ok. It's the piece first, then your feelings, then your audience, though they're all important. I'd really like tosee this reworked, though, and maybe even continued. Let the piece carry you first, then impose your riegn on it second. Let yourself fall into it. And if it doesn't make you cry, if won't maake us cry, either. Keep up your good work, as it usually is. |
bondagechic
2002-08-08 . chapter 1Yes! This was so beautiful. I loved every line, but my favorite part was the last Harry POV poem. Love it, I hope you've written other stuff, because I want more of this style. Thanks for a great read! |
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