lol boys will be boys! very funny, are you going to post a second chapter soon?

Wai! Seven-year-old Chichiri is so KAWAII!

i liked this a month ago when i first came across it online, and i love it more now that i've found it again on ff.net! this's such a cute story! plus it's nice to see a chichiri/kouran story with no angst or drama in it. i like the way you portray seven-year-old houjun, it reminds me of real kids i know and makes me smile. overall you have amazing descriptions and the writing just flows so well. going to go read more of your work,so signing off. keep up the great work
~Tenshi Kitsune~

KAWAI! *snatches lil' Hou Jun and cuddles him as he tries to get away* Me Loves 'Chiri/Kouran ficcies! Soo absolutely adorable! I agree with the others, you should write more like these! "ICKY YUCKY GIRLL!" BWAHAHAHAHA! *falls off comp chair* OWIE! *climbs back on, clears throat* Me loves it! You should write more chappies n' make it even more cuter^.^ Oh, it wasn't sickening or stupid, just to let you know!^^ I thoroughly enjoyed it and will continue reading more of your ficcies! You're a great writer!^-^ Jaa ne!^.~

Aw! That was completely precious! It brought a tear to my eye... 0;.........)~ You portray lil' seven-year old Chichiri splendidly!!!

Kawaii neeee!!!!!!!!!!! It's very cute. Write more!

jaa,
Chris

KAWAII!!!!!!!!! *glomp* It's so adorable I could just die.... ack X.x

^_~

~Sanomi

You're right-- this is just plain cute. I liked it a whole lot, and would very much enjoy seeing more of your "just plain cute". I'm also intrigued by your spelling of Hou Jun, since I've never seen anyone else spell it like that. Well, anyways, great story, keep up the good work!

Kawaii~~~~!Little Chichiri must have been veeerrry cute!Awwwwwww....!
All boys hate gils when they are little kids...(I'm a girl so I know) Continue~!
~Flying heart

The Good:

It was very cute and intriguing. Something that very well have happened in actuality. Houjun was precious, and Kouran was a doll. I especially enjoyed how you managed to pull in several of Chichiri's traits into young Houjun's. (His love of nature, his adversity towards ignorance, his ability to give wisdom and advice freely.) Stuff like that. It also had several original plot points that I thought were very well done, such as Hikou and Houjun's fort and the book he was reading. Wonderful, adorable little read.

And yes, quickie fics (as I call 'em), are very fun. ^___________^


The Stuff:

"I know one or two of the characters," she answered sheepishly, lowering her head. "I’m only siiiiiiix," she said in a very plaintive, drawn-out tone. "And I’m a girl, you know they don’t teach girls as much."

--Very good that you caught onto that, but even then, sometimes the wealthiest of woman never learned how to read or write. The fact that Kouran's family probably isn't wealthy makes it less likely she was literate.

"Dear, let’s go!" His mother tugged on his father’s arm until he lifted the wheel again, hooking it over one shoulder. Then they both ran out into the mud and rain.

--I'm kinda iffy on whether or not a husband in ancient China would allow his heavily pregnant wife into the pouring rain to help him with physical labor...And while that's going on, leave an unfamiliar girl alone in the house with her son. But, hey, matter of personal intepretation.


The Bad-But-Can-Be-Fixed:

::"What are you reading?" her voice asked, scaring him so much he yelped and jumped and thew the book in the air.::

--I think you meant "threw the book in the air"

::It fell to the floor with a clatter as he landed on his stomach on the window seat, the air getting knocked out of him.::

Get, got, getting, etc. are words a writer typically try to avoid using as verbs in writing. Maybe the landing took away his breath, or falling knocked the breath out of him. Either way, it sounds awkward, partially because it's also passive voice. (a.k.a. It's like saying "Judy was hit by the ball." To be grammatically accurate, you have to say, "The ball hit Judy.") But this is rather nitpicky, so don't mind it too much.

::He hadn’t heard her pad over in his determined ignoring of the situation; she’d taken off her shoes when his mother whisked her inside.::

That first part of the sentence sounds very, very awkward, especially the piece "determined ignoring." How about "He hadn't heard her soft padding in his determination to ignore her" or something similar? (Also, it's not so much the situation that he's trying to avoid--it's her.)

::True, he wasn’t all that good himself yet, but he knew the characters, he just needed practice.::

The "he just needed practice" part should be connected with a semicolon, not a comma. It's a new sentence in itself, complete with a subject and a verb. You could use a dash, though, as an alternative to the semicolon.

::He might not like icky disgusting girls but he knew enough grown-up girls to know that usually those not-meaning-to-be-mean people were wrong.::

--Comma after "icky disgusting girls." The next part isn't a fragment--it's another sentence that's connected by "but."

::He’d somehow forgotten that the person in front of him was one of those icky disgusting girls in the face of this emergency, nothing was worse than not knowing things.::

Another one of those times you needed a semicolon instead of a comma. You could fix it by putting "as" in front of "nothing," and it would be all right. Personally, I would separate them into two sentences since the relation is a bit strained.


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Overall, wonderful story. It has a few places here and there where it can be tweaked, but it's great anyhow. ^_^ I can't wait to finally get into your Byakko epic! ^_^ Great job, Kaze. Keep producing these great stories or else I'll send MY favorite character on you. *glares*

^_~

With love and regards,
Chao-chan

P.S.--You and I need to get into contact sometime, neh? ^_~

(blinks) Damn. Ne...make that damn kawaii. Too damn kawaii. Too damn kawaii to be digesting in a single day. (GLOMPS) ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY KAWAII, AND I LOVED IT!! "You're gonna go all gray and have to walk with a cane!" Nearly choked on my own tongue...don't little kids say just the cutest things?!? I know, I'm weird...spite me. BUT IT WAS AWESOME!!
Ja ne! (flies away, a bit drunkenly) Ah, of all things kawaii...

Ehehehehehehehhe!!! This is a great break from all the masochism and suidal stuff going on in those "other" fics. ^__~

It's so cute! And Houjun and Kouran are cute, too! **giggles** The "icky, yucky disgusting" girl part was just funny. You're awesome!

Oh my. That was...kawaii. And good, too. Really, I think this may have made my day. This story is quite original, and inventive. Not to mention the fact that it's cute. I'm always looking for a good Chichiri/Kouran story, and this was made even better by the fact that it was set while they were little kids. Awwwww! If anyone reads this review, I really think you'd like this story! I mean, it's very, very well-written, and it's original, and it's got wonderful dialogue, and best of all, the author enjoyed writing it. I think there is nothing better than reading a story an author enjoyed writing. Thanks for the story.

KAWAII! ^_^x You gotta do more of these!

oo!!!!! Keep going that was really good!!!!!! I'd like to read more!!!!!!