Chapter Four: Lavender Heart.
The afternoon sun
hung low
[Extraneous break]

But the song kept the memory of home alive. Conjuring up an image of the the great mountains of Tsing Hai,
[It _is_ interesting, the power of music to affect deep beyond the shallow consciousness]

" You speak Chinese?"
[Mandarin? I personally know of 5 dialects of Chinese and I’m pretty sure there’s more as varied as the people and land are. Saying ‘Chinese’ (from perspective of a native who should know better) is like an Italian saying “you speak European?”]

" Ai Ren,"
[It’s just one word]

HUSBAND?
" Shampoo what are you
[Source Mixing: there’s no separation from Shampoo’s paragraph to Cologne’s (I actually had to reread this segment a few times to be sure, at first I thought the paragraph followed convention and it was all Shampoo)]

shouting at child."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

and rippled with tears she was too proud to shed.
[I could easily see her crying with as dire as Ranma’s condition is, if I understand correctly]

a person stupid." She said smugly.
[As the following narrative directly modifies the dialog, the speech should end in a comma for transition]

and and insult about the Anything
[and _an_]

Ranma wife by tribal law,
[Ranma’s]

care of him.
[Missing closing dialog punctuation]

but I think That anyone who sticks to him as stubbornly as she does must be feeling more than tribal obligation. Also from a cultural perspective, Shampoos' an amazon and so is surrounded be meek men who consider themselves inferior, so I think that she is bound to be attracted to Ranma's strong-will and battle prowess as it is so different from what she is used to, that attraction would make it easy for her to fall for him.
[Makes sense to me. I don’t necessarily agree with your strict interpretation of how the matriarchy socially treats its members, but it’s not illogical]

Chapter Five: Broken Pride
He could here singing.
[hear]

" Yes," Shampoo replied although it was not really a question.
[Um…yes, she’s just agreeing, I don’t see any way that it could be mistaken as a question]

How do you feel."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

the martial artist your are now
[you are]

" Why not.
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

that completly embodies the arts founding
[completely, art’s]

Shaolin temple by the Machu's.
[ by the Manchu?]

" How does that help,"
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

comprehend this talent never mind
[Missing comma after ‘talent’]

There is no techniques
[_are_ no techniques]

deal with such a ability,
[_an_ ability]

that you must except,
[accept]

in his mouth, that was now parched.
[poor grammar]

Ranma should rest." Came
[A comma for transition would serve better than the period acting as a full stop]

a embroidered silk
[an]

Ranma is hurt need bed more than Shampoo.
[Missing comma after ‘hurt’]

Thanks. " he said
[Comma for transition instead of period for full stop]

" Oh,"
[Missing period to close the sentence, there’s no speech tag following this]

inquisitive stare began
[Missing comma after ‘stare’]

He eyes dropped from
[Her]

It feature him clutching
[featured]

Strangely the majority of
[Missing comma after ‘strangely’]

Others feature him practicing
[featured]

The he noticed that the image,
[Then, and the comma after ‘image’ is unnecessary]

" No is not."
[Missing comma after ‘No’]

but adressing it to her.
[addressing]

" Huh,"
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Is shameful.
[I can’t think of a single society where discussion is explicitly discouraged (particularly in a private environ like this). Not that she might still be embarrassed, but it wouldn’t be something that’s frowned on by her society]

Shampoo its not that,"
[it’s]

But your wrong,
[you’re]

" No I'm not I lost,"
[Missing comma after ‘not’, and there’s no speech tag after so that should close with a period]

" No your wrong.
[No, you’re]

My loss had taken my honour from me, without it I am worthless.
[I get that Ranma’s in a funk from losing, but he’s lost before. Ranma’s characteristic isn’t always winning, it’s that he never lets any loss keep him down – you portrayed that well in his defiance when Cologne told him there was no counter to the Mantis Fist, but now he’s shutting down and I’m not seeing a catalyst to make him emotionally self-destructive like he is]

loser he thought lowly.
[Missing comma after ‘loser’]

Would you rather I call it sulking,"
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Calmly she looked at her watch,
[Missing comma after ‘calmly']

took them longer than I had thought.
[I’m also surprised they haven’t called a proper doctor]

A short-haired girl stood in the splintered frame, quivering with fury.
[She’s got temper issues, but in this sort of situation when Ranma’s battered and vulnerable she tends to take a more quiet, caring approach. I know she’s got a jealous streak a kilometer wide, but she’s also not blind enough not to notice Ranma’s arm in a splint (which I assume it would be, if not a proper cast).]

as her
face glowed scarlet.
[Extraneous break]

across the skina around
[skin]

surprising Ranma and aking him
[making]

" How stupid can one person get," she screamed rhetorically.
[I’m not sure if this is just plain OOC or if it’s Akane-bashing, but it’s beyond explainable levels of her rage]

Frantically Akane seized Ranma's leg,
[While Cologne just lets her tear into a wounded Ranma? She’s not always at the forefront, but I’d give her enough credit to be proactive here]

cradeling his abused leg in his good arm.
[1: it would be ‘cradling’, but how would he cradle his leg? It’s kinda attached to his waist and hard to pick up]

Can I get you aything?
[anything]

pampering the boy Nadoka,"
[Nodoka]

Nadoka rolled her eyes
[Nodoka]

as he appoached their son.
[approached]

" WHAT!," his father exploded.
[That’s an interrogative, where’s the question mark?]

Ranma could not bare to see.
[bear]

seeing dissapointment there.
[disappointment]

did I teach you nothing."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

He rose his good arm
[_lifted_ his good arm?]

the amzons and Akane stared
[amazons]

a pathetic punch of tricks.
[bunch]

then what are those.
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

How many martial-artist
[artists]

you cannot
see the light."
[Extraneous break]

marred by a abhoring frown.
[an abhorring]

Her gaze was peircing
[piercing]

" Come husband we are leaving,"
[Missing comma after ‘husband’]

I feel that Ranma should renounce the tricks and sneaky tactics of his style as practised by Genma
[The problem with that is that, in canon, he doesn't have a problem with using those sneaky tactics when conventional methods won't get him a win. He's not as bad as Genma, true, but like I've said before: he's no moral pillar]

well the truth is Im a terrible typist
[That’s why there’s two things: reading over it yourself, and using a word processor to help check yourself, you can download them for free no matter where you are in the world, there’s really no excuse. This looks like neither was used and not doing so makes you look lazy and unprofessional, which reflects negatively on those of us who _do_ try to look professional.]

and am always pushing the wrong buttons and such, also I am too lazy to proof read usually
[Both just bad excuses]

And I refuse to alter that, as we invented the language in the bloody first place, so nyah nyah.
[No, actually English is a Frankenstein’s monster of a language that no one people invented. It’s not _yours_, you just use it. Respect it as a tool of communication. You want to use your particular dialect? Then do it properly. You also don’t have any right to tell people not to ‘fix’ your story if you’re not going to make any effort to improve yourself (even reading over your works before posting)]

Book I: The Mantis Saga.
Chapter One: Fighter's Heart.
and he began to dropped to the ground at high speed.
[drop]

Her pale-skinned
[‘pale’ is often used as a negative descriptor. ‘fair’ is generally the positive superficial descriptor]

satin shirt he
wore,
[Extraneous break]

chin
and lines the lips
[Extraneous break, and weird way of describing a moustache]

He just sat there taking it,
[That sounds quite like his normal habit.]

hazel eyes
beneath long lashes,
[Extraneous break]

glomps but
it was more
[Missing dialog punctuation]

He was dressed in a the
[Either ‘a’ or ‘the’]

ludicrous costume of wannabe samurai,
[No, Tatewaki is wearing the Kendo club uniform.]

" What make you
[makes]

think there somethin'
[there's]

Chinese silks
rode a girl who
[Missing dialog punctuation]

spatula girl do with Ai Ren?"
[The Mandarin word is just ‘airen’. No capitalization, no superfluous syllable separation]

" Ai ren take
[See above note on ‘airen’]

it wasn't really a quest as much as it was an order.
[1: request 2: Whether you hate Shampoo’s character or like her, at least recognize (it’s easy in both dubs) that she always asks, not orders.]

Blood suffused Ukyo's face as she bared her teeth.
[Source Mixing: don’t jam Ukyo’s narrative into another character’s paragraph. Also, I have no idea what you mean by ‘blood suffused’.]

grimace
as he spun
[Extraneous break]

GROPE SHAMPOO!." He
[Extraneous double punctuation]

Unfortunately this brought him
[Missing comma after ‘unfortunately’]

next to Shampoo who immediately latched on to him,
[Shampoo doesn’t (typically) interrupt him when he’s in a fight, she interrupts him as soon as he’s done.]

is Shampoo's Ai Ren,
[See above note on ‘airen’]

arm around the girls waist,
[girl’s]

Me and Shampoo are gonna have some fun."
[What? Ranma’s always preferred directly punting his rivals away, not enraging them like this (particularly as it causes complications with the potential fiancée in question, like sending ‘mixed signals’). It’s also just…not Ranma’s style to _use_ one of the girls to get to one of the guys bothering him. Considering the complexity of the situation, Ranma’s avoidance of the girls does tend to be the simplest route, fondling them is most certainly _not_ what he’d do]

"more prominent"
assets and
[Extraneous break]

Amazon's to do."
[Superfluous apostrophe]

flying at the
pigtailed fighter.
[Extraneous break]

**! he snapped in Cantonese
[Missing dialog punctuation, and the language that Mousse and Shampoo share is Mandarin (Canton is spoken in the south-east of China, not SW)]

that was secretly being monitored by NASA as a possible UFO slapped against Ranma's face,
[Uh…yeah, this was just a little too long, and NASA wouldn’t even see it unless it reached high altitude. The Japanese SDF might ‘pick it up’ if it’s going at superhigh velocity, but even that’s just too long to be funny]

around the calves
by leather straps.
[Extraneous break]

pack made a shook the ground
[‘made a’ seems not to fit]

as he slung
it from his shoulders.
[Extraneous break]

other boy's obvious
animosity.
[Extraneous break]

Then like a bullet Ryoga dove forwards thrusting his finger into the floor.
BAKUSAI TENKETSU.
[I know Ryouga has a variant of the Bakusai Tenketsu that works on wood, but that’s Baku Chaiten Kechu (if I’m not mistaken). The dojo floor is also raised quite a bit off the ground.]

exploded with a ear-shattering
[an]

began relaying them for
[readying]

Neither Chef nor Waiter( Waitress?)
[Konatsu is a guy (waiter), he only looks effeminate]

It was as if the life had been sucked from his,
[‘him’, but this is inconsistent with the fight he just had with Ryouga]

I promised you an " Okonmiyaki for your thoughts"
[Yes, and she gave it to him]

she brought her spatula round and slapped Ranma across the face with all her strength.
[Inconsistent with Ukyo’s character: she gets angry at him (rightfully so, generally), but she doesn’t usually slap him out of no-where]

Then he would turn the corner and
end up in Zimbabwe, problem solved."
[Extraneous break]

obviously unmanned by his own confession.
[obviously what?]

isn't beating Ryoga a good thing."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

and how he had killed for her.
[Technically, he just reset Saffron]

what's bothering you.
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

and to face a worthy opponent is a hallowed thing.
[‘is a hallowed…’ is extraneous, it’s repeating the beginning segment of the sentence without adding to the meaning]

Ukyo stood there with her eyes wide and trembling. She had never seen Ranma bare himself so completely before,
[Uh…this is nothing that Ukyo didn’t know already. Ranma lives for the thrill of the fight and perfection of the art, the fact that he’s saying it, even after this history, doesn’t really mean anything.]

Are fights taught us
[Our]

" I think it has to do, with
[Superfluous comma]

But none of those fought Saffron."
[When Ranma fought Saffron, it wasn’t a toe-to-toe match, Ranma had that magic rod and he outmaneuvered Saffron. I don’t think he significantly grew as a result of that fight, it was a long and hard battle but Ranma ½ isn’t an RPG and he didn’t level up as a result of winning. He just came out on his feet and Saffron didn’t.]

Most people are out-of-character. Akane’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch but she still sees when Ranma’s down and generally tries to at least find out – she’s not always tactful but she’s also not an ogre. Ukyo’s not this back-and-forth…usually. Ryouga and Mousse are relatively true to normal, and Shampoo may have been (she’s clingy but not really bossy to Ranma). Ranma was the big problem – yes I get that he’s depressed that he’s getting better and others aren’t, but those are times when he hangs back and lets them train harder to catch up (Ryouga is a prime example). Ranma also seems to have bipolar disorder here, some times he’s engaging and smirking and the rest of the time he’s moping like Ryouga; it’s the sudden back-and-forth that’s the problem. He’s also not the type to use other people to get to his enemies, like he did with Mousse – that would be abusing Shampoo and it’s not Ranma’s style to toy with her like that because he knows she’d view that as encouraging her and he’s not that eager to take his stance on ‘preferred fiancee’ yet. Or be that much more bothered when she steps up her attempts to get attention from him.

Chapter Two: Fallen Master.
around to the street. whistling
[Period where a comma belongs]

vertical pupils
filled Ranma
[Extraneous break]

smears
around cuts where
[Extraneous break]

sweet voice cut it was still an order.
[but]

done nothin'." Ranma shouted
[A comma for transition to the direct speech tag would fit better than the period for full stop]

" He looks terrible'" Akane said,
[Dialog is missing closing punctuation]

But who could have done it,
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

so how could anyone do this.
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

hastily, scrawled romanji.
[I more often see that written as ‘roomaji’]

but could not here what was said.
[hear]

martial artists shirt and question him.
[artist’s]

" What story."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

who did this to you."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

" If we're are going to here this tale,
[Repetition: we’re are = ‘we are are’. Spelling: hear]

of a small frater.
[freighter]

" Now then where was I."
[Missing comma after ‘then’, question mark after ‘I’]

pieces of meat.
I figured
[Extraneous break]

Ranma said dismissively." It does, boy.
[Source Mixing]

he spoke to me taunted me.
[Missing comma after ‘to me’]

But why now,
[Adding a break here with a question mark would help the flow]

Ranma going to fight?."
[Extraneous period]

" He'll need it"
[Missing closing period]

and quivering like a bow string.
[taught I get, but quivering? I don’t believe he’d be _that_ mad yet]

pure in it's spirit
[its]

" I am nothing like my father." He spat. " I know what honour is."
[Genma’s no pillar of morality, but neither is Ranma (none of the cast is, actually). Ranma’s no great friend of Genma, but he’s also not (generally) this antagonistic. His father’s an idiot, but _did_ try to raise his son as best as he knew how…when not being distracted by something else]

insulted our Art."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]

" No you didn't," he said coldly. " You never ask, you never know. All you do is judge me, but you never understood me."
[Ouch. There’s definitely truth to that, but I’m still not sure that things are…tense enough to warrant him lashing out at her like this, though it _is_ more understandable than some scenes]

Ukyo, Shampoo. He cared for them too. He could not bear it if he lost the light they brought to his life.
[A surprising bit of introspection that seems true to the characters, most authors don’t acknowledge Ranma’s dependency on that strange social circle of his]

Ranma's a bit OOC compared to the rest of the cast however it is noted that there is a reason and it's a good one. :O A good start though I'm quite shocked that there are other martial artists as good as the old ghouls.

Sexy beyond words. Pretty much everything I can relate to, at least when it comes to certain types of games or stories or anime or jobs... Where has the thrill gone to?! D: Struggling to find that happiness from the boredom of day to day activities... Quite inspiring and I can see how Ranma is looking at everything that way.

WOT! THAT WAS AWSOME! wow, this is REALLY good! i absolutly LOVE you're idea! and personally, i think you portrayed them all PERFECTLY. ya know, except for ranma being all out of funk...but hell, he's never really got his ** kicked like that, so that may very well be his real reaction! totally cool by the way on all you're martail arts know how, awsome fight disriptions. i really like everything about this fic, especially the way you portray the amazons, TOTALLY GOT IT RIGHT! i agree 100% with you're view, and share it in my fics (not that i've actually POSTED any of my ranma 1/2 fics, i'm not that good). so, i'm gunna go read the secule, and will review that soon, and really hope you pair ranma with shampoo, they make an adorable couple, i mean, look at them! ok then, gunna go read part two now, Ja.

hey monster ate your formating for chapter 8 lol, in a funny note your formating was found at the bottom of the chapter cool story so far

dude cant believe i never saw this i mean hell this first chapter is great.

While the story is well written it is obvious that the author hasn't seen the inside of Akane's room, that and the fact that the author hasn't realized that never once has Ranma used the word git. The plot is nicely done, but as a martial artist who has been studying the Art for the majority of his life I can honestly say that the way of the warrior and the code of bushido isn't the same as that of a martial artist. Bushido is for warriors not martial artists there is a distinct difference, a martial artist follows a different code which tells him/her that all life is to be respected, and those that cannot protect themselves are to be protected, and in all situations avoid death. While some of the principles for the two codes are the same, the way of the warrior is to preserve life where he can and if the need arises he will kill and not give it a second thought. The samurai were expected to follow bushido as it was for swordsmen, while a martial artist would follow the ethics and code that their particular martial art required of them. But hey, this is just me, do your thing.Ja ne

Chapter 1-Ohh...nice intro, I can see this's gonna be a GREAT fic.

Excellent descriptions.

Your formatting could be improved a bit at a couple of points, you leave spaces in the middle of paragraphs and that does get a bit confusing.

Err...I thought that 'kendoka' referred only to a female kendoist. Was I wrong?

Umm...what's with Ranma feeling up Shampoo?

Watch for your/you're confusion.

I loved Ranma's conversation with Ukyou, very well done!

Chapter 2-Nice description of how his fear of cats makes Ranma feel.

You change tenses a couple of times. Watch for that.

Heh...note that Nabiki doesn't say "who WOULD do this to Happosai :P

*sweatdrops at Soun, Genma, and Happosai* Yep...saw that coming.

Nice conversation between Ranma and Akane at the end there.

Chapter 3-Very nice fight scene. Excellently done. I'm a bit disappointed that Ranma lost, of course, but even Ranma's not invincible.

Chapter 4-This chapter's a bit on the short side, I personally have a liking for longer chapters.

Nice description of Cologne.

Chapter 5-Very good explanation of the praying mantis style, history, etc.

I can definitely see Ranma's anger at the style. I do hope he and Nodoka can make up though.

Chapter 6-Shown from several different viewpoints, nice, and you didn't switch back and forth between them every couple of paragraphs, even better.

I like your characterizations of Nodoka and Cologne.

Chapter 7-Damn...Ranma's scary.

Chapter 8-A bit of formatting trouble at the beginning.

I've got to say, I find your characterization of Ranma a tad extreme. I'm neither a fan of 'truly noble Ranma' or 'perfect and beautiful Akane' but nor do I see them as the opposite. Both are basically good people with some character flaws and I think you do Ranma something of an injustice here.

You really did your homework. I'm impressed that you took the time to quote Japanese literature. Most authors would just make something up.

Chapter 9-Nothing really to say beyond the fact that your dialogue continues to be excellent.

Chapter 10-I hope there's a happy ending in the sequal,I really do. I'd hate to see Ranma become corrupt.

Overall-I love this fic. It's beautifully written. The descriptions, dialogue, EVERYTHING is excellent. Sure, your spelling and grammar aren't 100% perfect, but they're sure close enough. I'm gonna read the sequal, I hope it's as good.

Very nice, I'm glad I kept reading 'til the end. Although the entire story is well-written with excellent characterization (with one exception I will get into in a moment,) my favorite character is Ryoga. I am pleased to hear he will feature prominently in the continuation. I heartily enjoy reading fics where any of the characters (but especially Ryoga,) realize and overcome their own shortcomings.

As for the characters, I thought you had them down with the expection of Nodoka. In the manga she is a very flighty, almost ditzy, character with brief flashes of extreme honor and fire. You've got the honor and fire down, but the flighty, goofiness seems to have completely dissapeared. Not a bit deal though, she plays a small part so her character is difficult to define.

Anyway, looking forward to more.

I love your story and I can't wait to see what those two get themselves into.

i really like the story, i hope you write more it is one of my favorite ranma fics

Make it Shampoo!!

wonderful chapter! great ending to this part of your story.

i vote for ranma and akane

You bastard! It's authors like you that keep me
addicted to fanfic! Every time I think I've had
my fill of wading through story after story of
worthless rubbish, someone like you writes a truly
thoughful and profound story, with characters that
are actually realistic and human! :)

Great story, looking forward to the next story arc.