|Reviews for Black Despair|
| TsukiyoTenshi 9/30/09 . chapter 6
I love what you've written so far! I epsecially love the idea of Serena having a twin, though trying to hide a secret seems really hard to do. Anyway, when or even how, may I ask, will Quatre and the others find out Serena's and Sybill's secret?
PLEASE UPDATE QUICKLY AND SOON! ASAP! ;)
| lovelyJu-chan 6/16/09 . chapter 6
a gay pairings
| sailor love45 2/16/09 . chapter 6
why Trowa/ Quatre does look right
| Kaidaia The Run Away Advent 4/13/08 . chapter 6
very wicked chapter
| Kaidaia The Run Away Advent 4/13/08 . chapter 5
very wicked chapter
| Kaidaia The Run Away Advent 4/13/08 . chapter 4
very wicked chapter
| Kaidaia The Run Away Advent 4/13/08 . chapter 3
very wicked chapter
| Kaidaia The Run Away Advent 4/13/08 . chapter 2
very wicked chapter
| Kaidaia The Run Away Advent 4/13/08 . chapter 1
very wicked chapter
| Raye 2/27/08 . chapter 6
I really like this fiction's plot line and enjoy betrayle fics. Hope you start updating this on again VERY SOON!
| Kitsune Twins 7/15/07 . chapter 6
update please it is getting really interesting
| Nerf-or-Nothing 4/29/07 . chapter 7
I have read the reviews left for your stories. I also realise this is a betrayal fic. I do flame, sometimes but usually when it's absolutely needed because sometimes, being nice just doesn't get ones attention and flames are supposed to be used to break ego's so the author can learn that they are making mistakes.
Anywho. Yes, this is a betrayal fic. I happen to like them... when they're good. Sometimes they aren't used in a way that makes them unique... or a story of it's own and then it gets judges soley as a betrayal like all others.
Truth be told I only read the first chapter because I have a headache and family issues is making my head pound more. So I'll have to read the rest when I feel better since there happens to be a lot to read.
But since I read the first chapter and skimmed the second and then this last one, I have somethings to say.
Your first chapter was bunched together in massive paragraphs which makes it hard for readers to keep interest.
Some sentances are rushed in a way that when you read them, the words don't make sense.
You grammar isn't horrible but it could use improvement. Also puncuation needs to be watched more closely.
To help you understand how to fix these, I'll explain.
Your first chapter was bunched when it didn't need to be. ALWAYS start a new paragraph when a different character starts speaking, thinking or doing something. NEVER have one person talk and then another or more in the same paragraph.
You sentances are rushed because your writing and when you are, typically all these idea's are coming to you so fast that it seems rushed and you forget and make mistakes and use your focus to keep writing. To FIX it is easy. Once your done writing, go over your work. Read it carefully for not only grammar errors but also to make sure you're writing makes sense.
You'll probably add stuff and take stuff out and if ya do, after that STILL overlook your work because new stuff can have mistakes too.
Grammar is pretty good but you have a few misspelled words here and there. When you over look your work BEFORE posting, re-read and if you can use your spell check. If you don't have one then use the spell check this site offers and when that fails search google, "Spell check".
Puncuation. You lack comma's or put them in improper places. someone helped me with this very problem. They told me, as I write either talk aloud what I'm writing or play close attention to what I'm writing. When they is a pause you can use a comma and it helps you know where to put it. You don't always have to use "..." for pauses in speaking. A comma would be the first choice. You'll know as you write and learn more.
Now. That was all NEEDED advice. That above is not saying "Your story is bad" because of a character or your plot. No, that above is something you MUST pay attention to and do. If you don't have good spelling, format, grammar, puncuation and such then you can't be a good author. As authors we never stop learning. So definatelty use this advice above to the fullest because if you don't improve your writing it shows a lack of learning and improving, which you need to do if you write ANYWHERE or ANYTHING. Especially if others read it.
Now, as for what I'm gonna say now, you don't have to do. When someone advises you on plot, characters and such, it's up to you to take the advise.
Your plot "betrayal" is overused. However when people say "the senshi would NEVER betray Usagi/Serena" then they obviously never payed close enough attention to the show and manga.
There were times they turned against her. They were forced against her and there were a few times they didn't listen to her and did what they wanted. Truth stands though that they do love her but in fanfiction, it's possible. But to make it possible it has to be done carefully to the point that idea is believable.
OOC (out of character) isn't real either. Again, it's up to the author to make all actions, thoughts and words believable.
Sybil, from what I've read seems okay (I don't think she should be a princess of the moon but like you said your story)... but does Mary-Sue traits. You shouldn't have made her Serena's twin and she shouldn't look a lot or maybe even a half like Serena does. That's one reason why she seems Mary-Sueish.
Since that is how she is in the story though... there nothing you can do unless you re-write the entire story.
So what you CAN do is make her less perfect. And just cause she's depressed and has an attitude, doesn't matter. You can still make a depressed, rude OC into a Mary Sue. I know, believe me.
Sybil should... have her own triats and not traits like Serena. At all. They're two people and not one person so show the readers that by making them DIFFERENT people.
If Serena is a nice, loving, easy going and though slightly ditzy girl, then make Sybil differ.
Sybil should then be a loud-sarcastic, not easily trusting and solemn maybe sad girl who is a bit more sturdy on her feet.
Then, you can have tidbits where even if Serena is nice and such, she can still get pissed off and judging and could be agile like when she runs to school.
And Sybil could have a soft spot and shows kindness when something touching happens that's nice and could be close to those she DOES trust to make up for her overall lack of trust and then could have moments where she's deep in thought and trips.
Even it out, make it believable.
Also, you might want to put more depth into the inner senshi's betrayal. I see you want them as villians, that go for it. But every villian needs background. So give the readers more depth. Tell us why they hate Serena and Sybil, how they planned it. What they're gonne do. How they're gonna do it and how deep does their badness run and why. The first chapter explained non of that. The can be bad but you still need to explain.
Like I said, I read the reviewers comments. Well some. Some of what the "Flamers" said was right, and some was a bit too much.
Some who even flamed you didnt have any right to cause they ain't all that better. Truth be told. But some flamers did say some rightful things.
Now, this was a nice review. A true review at that too. A true review is comments on your story. What was good and what was bad and what you can do to improve, and then you get those who just critique and not say what's good and then you get flamers.
Comments that say, good job this is great dkfgjhr MORE ORE you write fnatastic. Are not true reviews. I admit I haven given my fair share but I'm learning.
This was a nice review. I have flamed before but since you already got flames, I wanted to be the one that will gve constructive critism and tell you how you can improve and that "yes you can have a betrayal and the inners can be bad and you can make your own characters," but also, how to go about those ideas.
Since you already commented you opinion of flaming. Get back to me and tell me what ya think of this review. Email me. Do NOT post an author note.
Speaking of which, I need you to delete chapter 6. I don't care if you want it there to get voters and what not. It's against policy and you can get in trouble, whether the story is deleted or your account suspended and what not.
If you REALLY want to post this, then post it with an actual chapter.
This is against rules because when we see an update and check it out we get pissed when we see no actual chapter.
Remember, FF.N PAYS for US to use THEIR internet space. When we made author notes and posted non-story material, they decided to create forums so we didn't abuse their PAID for webspace.
When we posted links or said we liked this story check it out, or we hate this story check it out, in our stories they created C2s where we post stories we love or hate.
So take it down. If anything, author notes in place where chapters should be, really pisses me off. I've been patient with this review and don't want to be mean but if in the next three days that author note it still there I will report it.
That is something that is really annoying. Post your author notes but ALWAYS have an actual chapter. It makes me mad. Especially when I sw them all the time in the Degrassi section, ugh. Don't get me started. It was awful there. Degrassi brats, erg.
Lol. Anyway, please take to heart my first advice and at least think over my advice on plot works.
And really, take down the A/N so you don't get reported.
| Silver Tsukino 4/28/07 . chapter 7
whoa...sere and sybil are funny! especially sybil! update soon!
| SerenityMoonlight 4/5/07 . chapter 6
sybil/wufei and serena/heero I think relena should be annoying
| RedLight 4/1/07 . chapter 6
Please don't have Relena be annoying. Can you really imagine the Queen of the World and a well-known political figure being as annoying as some fanwriters like to portray her as and yet still keeping her job? It makes no sense. Besides, toward the end of the series she seems to view Heero as more of a friend than a crush. The stalking and calling his name are exaggerations of one or two events that take place in the first five or so episodes, and rarely, if ever, after that.