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Nail Polish

Disclaimer: I am not on drugs. I don't own them. Takahashi-sensei is the master storyteller and my pathetic attempts to emulate her sense of humor produce drivel like this. Enjoy.

Seriously, I'm not on crack or anything like that. Maybe pocky, but only a few people consider that a drug.

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Kagome was doing her nails while she sat around the evening campfire. It had been a nightly ritual for her; a solid layer of thick, clear lacquer kept her nails from splitting and chipping too much during their travels.

"Ne, Kagome, what is it that you do every night?" Sango asked as Kagome applied the enamel with a tiny brush. The demon hunter peered curiously over Kagome's should, her nose wrinkling from the fumes.

It's a fingernail protectant," Kagome explained, showing Sango her relatively long and healthy nails. "Unlike Inuyasha, my nails don't grow back instantly every time they get torn to the quick. This liquid," Kagome waved the clear bottle around, "dries quickly to a hard seal that keeps them from breaking."

Sango seemed impressed. "They have some thoughtful convieniences in your world," she said, and then leaned closer, glancing at Inuyasha and Miroku to make sure they weren't paying attention. "May I try it?"

"Sure," Kagome repled quietly, and picked up one of Sango's hands. Kagome paused as she felt the hard callouses on the other girl's palm. Sango wasn't much older than her, but her hands felt decades older. Sango's nails were also blunt and damaged, even though the taiji-ya kept them clean and rubbed the cuticles with animal fat to keep them soft.

"I know, my hands aren't as soft as yours," Sango said with a sigh. "Had I lived a noble life, they might have been, but I learned at an early age the price of my proffession."

Kagome nodded. "I'll make sure to grab a bottle of hand lotion for you sometime. It really helps. For the nails, however, nothing helps more than a layer of polish."

Kagome began applying the enamel carefully. Unfortunately, she was used to only working on her own hands, and Sango's arm twitched at the cool sensation of enamel on her fingertip. Kagome's tiny brush slipped and left a streak of polish on Sango's finger.

"Oh!" Sango said, worried. "Does it come off?"

"Don't worry, we just need a little remover. It smells really bad," Kagome warned as she recapped the nail lacquer bottle and dug around her bookbag for the remover and a cotten ball. "At least we're in a well ventilated area."

She tipped the botle of remover into the cotten, and began swiping at Sango's finger. The scent of acetone immediately filled the area.

"What the fuck IS that?" Inuyasha called from across the camp, pinching his sensitive nose shut.

"It's acetone. Sorry, everyone." She went to recap the bottle to prevent the fumes from escaping, but accidentally tipped it over, causing its contents to spill out. The smell of chemicals immediately grew much worse. Kagome and Sango fled from the rapidly spreading pool of liquid.

"And that was the expensive stuff, too," Kagome said forlornly as she watched the acetone seep into the ground. "Cost me six hundred yen, that thing did."

"I'm so sorry, Kagome-chan," Sango said as the fumes made her eyes water.

Everyone then turned at a strange, strangled noise. It was Inuyasha, and something odd was happening to him . . .

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[[At this point in the time line, the universe that had hereforeto existed as a single branch split into at least three distinct branches. In the first branch . . .]]

"Oh, it looks like he passed out again, like he did that time with the ink and blood."

Inuyasha lay on the ground twitching, with spirals for eyes.

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[[In the second branch . . .]]

"Oh my god! Inuyasha, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Inuyasha, whose body had started to sprout bizzare growths, was so angry and scared that he couldn't even speak.

"It looks like patches of skin are . . . burning." Miroku leapt away from Inuyasha, who had begun to sprout tentacles in a manner not unlike Naraku.

"Inuyasha, stop mutating this instant!" Kagome said sternly.

Inuyasha answered with a string of vile curse words that no one could possibly duplicate in a thousand years.

"It looks like the remover stuff did something odd to him," Sango said, worried.

"Oh no," Kagome cringed, and realized what had happened. "Inuyasha's metabolism is faster than a human's. That's why he heals so fast. Acetone, the stuff in nail polish remover, is a carcinogen. His body has turned into one gigantic tumor!"

The poor hanyou now looked like a Mutated Testuo cosplayer, and a very realistic one at that. Its tenticles flailed about aimlessly, and it couldn't even cuss anymore because its head had been swallowed up. Before long, it accidentally landed one in the campfire, where it immediately caught on fire. Inuyasha's newly acquired acetone cancer body exploded like so many sticks of dynamite.

Kagome's last words were, "Vanity only brings downfall!"

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[[But what REALLY happened, in OUR universe, was this.]]

"Gods, Kagome, don't ever bring this stuff again." Inuyasha stomped over to her side of the campfired, his eyes running in misery and his ears twitching in agony.

He made the mistake of stepping onto the not quite dried puddle of acetone.

"Shit!" Inuyasha cried, as his hair suddenly turned to black and his body changed to that of a human. He fell backward from the shock.

"Inuyasha!" Kagome cried, and quickly ran to his side.

"Did someone knock me out for three weeks until the next new moon or something?" Human Inuyasha clutched his head in pain. "Fuck, my whole body hurts now."

Kagome tried to find her voice as she held his arm. "I . . . I --"

Sango cut in, not quite believing what could only be true. "The remover stuff of Kagome's must be extremely strong to remove a layer of hardened paint that can protect fingernails. I have a feeling it would react with pretty much anything. It looks like . . . it removed your demon half."

"WHAT???"

Shippou, who had really had no line in all of this fic before, munched on the now-ignored dinner and said to no one in particular, "Seems if Inuyasha's not a hanyou anymore, this manga series can't be named after him anymore. I hereby rename Rumiko Takahashi's "Inuyasha" to "Shippou and his Friends!"

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The End.
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