Summary: The CSIs have an interesting conversation about names after a
particularly odd case.
Disclaimer: The only characters I own are the ones I create for the purpose
of this story. All the rest? Not mine.
"I can't believe the pet names people come up with for body parts,"
Catherine snorted in disgust as she dropped down into an empty lounge
chair, shaking her head.
Greg and Nick, who had been playing a game of cards, looked at Catherine
and grinned. Behind her, Sara sighed loudly as she poured a cup of coffee
for herself. "Not people - men," she muttered. "It's men who name body
"Dare I ask what you two are talking about?" Warrick asked, as he walked
into the lounge room followed by Grissom.
"You were in the interview room - guess," Catherine retorted.
Warrick grinned, "Would I be way off base if I said you were talking about
Nick and Greg looked at them blankly, before Greg started laughing, "Are
you telling me your vic named his - you know - Gilbert?"
Sara grinned tightly at this, "Yes, he did. And you want to know how I
know this? I had to take pictures of it."
Catherine snorted, "Be glad that's all you had to do. I had to measure the
bite marks and swab for DNA."
Greg was practically rolling on the floor at this, causing Nick to cock an
eyebrow at him in amusement before turning to look at Grissom and Warrick.
"And the girls had to do this, why? Wouldn't it have made more sense for
you and Warrick to - ah, you know. Inspect the damaged goods?"
Warrick shrugged calmly, but his eyes glinted when he responded, "He
requested that Sara and Cath 'handle' it. He felt uncomfortable with two
men being that close to his 'Gilbert'."
"And that's how come we knew he named it!" Sara interjected, nudging Greg
none-to-gently with the toe of her boot. "It wasn't funny, Greg."
"Tell me something, Cath," Nick grinned at her wickedly, "Did you have to
get a mold too?"
Catherine shuddered, "No. Thanks be to God. It would have been impossible
anyway, he was too sore to - you know - and I don't think the mold would
have hardened sufficiently before Gilbert deflated, if you know what I
Sara made a little moue of distaste with her mouth, "I don't blame the
girlfriend for taking a bite out of him. Anyone who names his penis
Gilbert deserves it."
"Is it just the name Gilbert you object to, or the naming of appendages in
general?" Greg managed to choke this out, and Sara glared at him.
"Any name in general. I mean - come on! What's the point? Why are men
obsessive about naming body parts?"
"What other parts are there to name?" Warrick interjected. He had flipped
one of the chairs backwards and now sat at the table straddling it,
forearms crossed across the top. He smiled coolly when Sara turned her
glare on him, before smirking at Catherine.
"Eddie named my breasts," she offered. "So there's another body part men
"Actually, that's two other body parts men name," Warrick grinned. "Dare I
ask what he named them?"
Catherine actually smirked at him, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"See? That's just what I mean! You don't see women going around naming
their breasts! Why would we? But men?" she shook her head violently, "I
suppose the technical names are just too hard to remember."
"Not everyone names body parts, Sara," Grissom interjected mildly, half-
smiling at her when she turned her glare on him.
This shut everyone up for a few minutes, before Greg started laughing
again. "Well, Grissom - you probably know all the proper Latin terms, so
you don't need to make up names." He turned to smile at Sara, "Anyone ever
name your breasts, Sara?"
Grissom warned, but Sara interrupted him, "No. But you know what, Greg -
I'll let you name my breasts if you'll let me name your 'Gilbert.'"
Grissom's eyes widened at Sara when she said this, as did everyone else's,
but Sara was suddenly dead serious.
Greg grinned widely at this, "Really? You'll let me name your breasts? Do
I get to - uhm - see them before I name them?"
Sara shook her head, "This is as close as you'll ever get to them. So?"
Greg cocked an eyebrow and leered at Sara with great exaggeration, before
turning to grin at Nick, "You want in on this?"
"No way, man!" Nick threw his hands up in mock-horror, "and if I were you,
I'd seriously think before you say anything. She'll eviscerate you!"
"Smart boy, Nicky," Grissom mumbled under his breath, blue eyes intensely
focused on Greg as he turned back to Sara. Warrick and Catherine watched
with interest, Catherine in amusement and Warrick with the expression of
someone watching a train wreck about to happen.
"Martha and Bertha," Greg offered, "Very earth-motherish."
Nick winced, Warrick groaned and Catherine snorted. Grissom just closed
his eyes and shook his head.
"Martha and Bertha," Sara repeated. "Great. I feel like some ancient
tribal stone carving."
Greg grinned. "What? They're great names for breasts."
"Yeah," Nick interjected, "If you never want to get laid again."
Sara had narrowed her eyes thoughtfully at Greg, letting them lazily travel
the length of his body, smiling slightly when he squirmed under her
inspection. "Hey, I didn't ogle you like that!"
"Not today, anyways," Warrick interjected.
Sara smiled, Cheshire-like, at Greg. "I've got the perfect name for you."
Everyone leaned forward in anticipation, even Grissom. Greg grinned,
enjoying the flirting, "Hit me, baby!" he cooed.
"Mr. Snuffleuppagus," Sara responded, smirking at the looks on everyone
else's faces, "for the sole reason that you're the only one who's ever seen
The lounge room exploded in laughter, and even Greg had to grin, albeit
abashedly, "Harsh, Sara. Just - harsh. Now I know why men name it before
women do - women are just too damn mean."
"I tried to warn you, bro," Nick drawled, clapping Greg on the shoulder
even as he tried to control his amusement. "Never draw Sara into a war of
words, she'll always win and she'll make you look stupid doing it."
Sara beamed at him, "Why, thank you Nicky! That's the nicest compliment
anyone's ever given me!"
* * * * *
Later that morning, as Sara was preparing to leave the lab, Grissom caught
up with her in the locker room.
"So, that was an interesting conversation in the lounge earlier," he
Sara smiled, "I think I proved my point."
"I think you did too. So - you coming over to my place after work?"
Sara grinned at him slyly, leaning in and purring into his ear, "Only if
you let me drive your Zamboni."
Author's notes: Okay, okay. Totally naughty of me, I know - but so much
fun to write! This story is based on an actual conversation my friends and
I had once in University, at a bar, with a group of guys who were just -
beyond words. Hope it made you all laugh!