Disclaimer- Remus, James, etc don't belong to me. JK Rowling thought them up, and Warner Brothers have rights over them now, too... But not me.

My friends had always told me how they were jealous of my willpower. As if it was a gift I was born with, as if I wasn't tempted by all the temptations that tempted them, as if they didn't haunt me day in and day out. Once in a while I would want to explain to them that I had built this 'willpower' of mine during the years; that I had to, I had no choice, but I couldn't, because I knew I would have to explain, explain urges to kill and taste human flesh once a month, urges to feel lips of people I shouldn't be dreaming of on my cock, fantasies of grabbing a knife and dragging it from my wrist to my elbow, of ending my life instead of fighting all of these urges and building my bloody 'willpower'. And I can't explain. So I don't. I just smile a tight lipped smile, and I nod, and wait for my urge to scream to die down before changing the subject.

The urges go away. They go back to their hiding place after a few minutes, somewhere deep inside the pit of my stomach in most cases. They go away, and I try to forget them, and I try and look James in the eye without feeling guilty, and without fearing He Knows. The urge to kill... or at least the urge to kill and taste the meat and flesh of those I kill has gotten weaker, now that my friends had down the most fantastic thing for me and risked their life and time to turn Animagi for me. The urge to scream and lash out at others...the one that threatens to take my breath away, all I have to do is close my eyes and take a few deep breaths and it's usually gone, and I can go join my friends again. The urge to kiss him is getting stronger, and I'm so scared.

Is this a betrayal of his trust? James, my best friend, who noticed that I slept out once a month and figured out I was a werewolf; who lent me his Invisibility Cloak on countless occasions when I got hungry in the middle on the night; the one with the messy black hair who could make me laugh just by making a face. When I started, my willpower seemed strong. I would force these fantasies out of my mind and force myself to think of something- or someone- else. I hate myself for that lonely night, when out of weakness, I convinced myself that I could enjoy just one fantasy of us kissing, just one, if he would never know and I would never act upon it. And from then on it became an addiction, and half-asleep, I would think of James, waking up with a start and staring guilty at the scarlet velvet for dreaming of him. How could I?

And the guilty pleasure lusting... mixed in with the like and respect I already had for him... I fell in love with him. I feared he knew; I was heartbroken and relieved when he told me he was dating Lily. He deserved to be happy. He more than anyone deserved to be happy. If he knew, I don't kid myself thinking that he would hate me. Oh, no. I wish. He would give me a hug, and if I looked deep enough into his eyes (which I couldn't, of course; he must have noticed I never looked him in the eye, I was always afraid to lose myself or maybe my soul in them), but if I held the power to look deep enough into his eyes, there would be pity there while he would explain he's in love with Lily and that he could never love a man.

Some people deserve to be happy. James is happiness. He has so much love and happiness and kindness in him, it seems to just leek out to those surrounding him. Maybe that's why I hardly seem to recognize myself near him. And my mother beams with relief and happiness whenever I returned from Hogwarts for the summer; her son had finally learned what happiness was. Some of the happiness inside James had rubbed itself against me. No, that's not fair. James makes me happy, and Sirius and Peter as well. It's not fair to forget them is it? But Sirius and Peter... are mortal. Funny and brave, good friends, but there was always something about James that made him almost Godlike to me. He has his faults and I knew it, but these so called faults are just part of his charm. When he was insecure I had to fight the urge to hug him and bonk him on top of his head and shake him until he realized just how great he was. And when it was the arrogance.. yes, no one could be as great as him and not feel self-pride, his cheeky grin would wake up the sleeping butterflies in my stomach and make me grin- make me happy. When I heard him cry at night, when he thought we were all asleep... it took every bit of willpower that I had not to tiptoe over to his bed and crawl in with him. And it seems to be getting stronger every damn second. What happened to urges going away? Oh yes, so the urge to jump on him goes away for awhile, but it's replaced with twisting knifes in my stomach when I see him kissing her, or the emptiness I feel when I wonder if I'll ever get over this, this furious pride and mad adoration and undying love I have for a boy, no, a man, who's my age, who's lying just a few beds away from me right now, breathing in a steady rhythm that let's me know he's just fallen asleep. I'm sure he's figured it out by now, because he looks at me different. It had started a couple of months ago, but now... oh, there's no way in hell he doesn't know. And he looked at me funny, and then he kept looking at me funny, and then one day he just smiled, and let the whole thing drop for a while. But for the last couple of days he seems to have decided to tease me with it. No, there's no teasing here, none at all. This is pure torture, the way he keeps he fingers lingered on my hand just a few more minutes than he should; the way he always seems to be trying to catch my eye; standing a little closer to me; and today, oh Merlin, today, when Lily was kissing him, and he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. And I didn't feel the embarrassment of feeling guilty for watching them kiss; because for some reason, he wanted me to. And he pulled away from her and smiled at me, before getting up and walking away. I have the worst thought that he's doing this to me on purpose; he's testing my willpower, testing how far he can tempt me before I crack... standing so close to me, licking his lips, leaning in, maybe to kiss me, but I pull away.

I won't cave in, and I won't crack. He's tempting, more so than I ever could imagine, so much that I could nearly cry every time I move away from his touch, but I have to. In two months, we're leaving Hogwarts. I heard Lily crying to Sirius today. And I made my decision. Everything will be okay with Lily and James. They will get married and have lots of children. Sirius, Peter and I will go to their wedding- the grooms best friends. I will talk to James about liking a girl. I will force myself to like her. We will get along. Ill bring her to the wedding, we will sit together and watch the happy couple, the ones who deserve to be truly happy. The man and woman who have it all. The luckiest woman in the world, and the man who just nearly made a mistake at age seventeen of going after the wrong person. There are just some people who were born to be happy, and those who fight the urges to be the ones who give it to them.