Disclaimers: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to me... (gee, do I have to repeat this in every single fanfic that I start?) But then, if it did, Hisoka would probably find himself with an extra fangirl appendage. ^^;; My first Yami no Matsuei fanfic! And the song doesn't belong to me either- it's sung by Garbage.
Shounen ai, Tsuzuki+Hisoka, angsty... (kinda) and insane lyrics. O_O AND! I've never been able to look through the manga, but I have seen the series and read the translations. ^_^ Arigatou, Theria-san! A lot of this was taken from her translations, but most might not be accurate because I don't know anything other than what they're saying... like movement and posture and scenery...

The Trick is to Keep Breathing
by: Shamera

[ she's not the kind of girl
who likes to tell the world
about the way she feels about herself ]

"Hisoka-san isn't with you?"

Tsuzuki glanced up at Gushoshin the Younger with a mildly irritated look. He had been standing in the alleyway for quite some time, restricted from going out on his own in the case because of the fact that he was supposed to travel with someone. Of course, his designated partner was no where to be seen. It figured, actually. Tsuzuki had never met anyone so very... cold in his life. He knew that Hisoka was empathic, but pushing ALL emotions away was a bad thing as well!

"Take a look around," Tsuzuki grumbled, jabbing his hands into the pockets in his overcoat. It was kind of obvious that Hisoka wasn't there. Why did Gushoshin just have to stating the obvious? Hisoka wasn't going to be anywhere near Tsuzuki. "He completely hates me. It's like..."

How to say something like this?

"...there's a huge barrior between us." Tsuzuki said lamely. He allowed his eyes to wander back into the crowd, seeking out whatever clues he could to the current case. But his thoughts were in turmoil over his new partner. Just what was is about the boy that made him so... special?

"His words, his attitude. And then-" The violet-eyed Shinigami paused, recalling. When he had first met his new partner, the sharp insults directly at him rather boldly. And, mostly...

Emerald eyes that held nothing but scorn and anger.

Those beautiful, but... cold eyes...

Tsuzuki fell silent, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. Just what was so different about Hisoka that he could resist the older Shinigami's charms?

Gushoshin looked on, sad eyes unnoticed by the thoughtful Shinigami.

"Tsuzuki-san..." Gushoshin hesistated, wondering how he was supposed to make the other understand his new partner better without revealing things that Tsuzuki didn't have to know. "The child's family has a very old and long history. A noble house obsessed with pride and social standings."

What's that got to do with this? Tsuzuki mused bitterly, feigning interest.

"Hisoka-san's parents... seperated themselves from him because his powers were replusive to them. They would lock him up in an underground cell at the slightest hint of his emerging powers."

Tsuzuki startled. "What? Their own child...!"

Why are you like that...?

As a child, he couldn't understand...
But he would know as he grew older...

You're not our child!

...That there was something not normal about himself...

You MONSTER!

"Hisoka-san isn't advoiding you, Tsuzuki-san." Gushoshin continued explaining, oblivious to the other's disturbed thoughts. "It's just... something that can't be helped because he's lived by himself for so long." The librarian turned towards Tsuzuki. "Even though he's no longer alone, ne?"

The violet-eyed shinigami was quiet. *So... so that's why he's so cold. He's shut his heart away, so that he couldn't be hurt anymore...* A frown marred his features as understanding grew. It wasn't that Hisoka hated him, it was more like-

*How many times has he been betrayed and his heart trampled on?*

"But it isn't like you to worry over matters such as this." Gushoshin reassured him. "If there's a barrior, it should be okay to take it down... It should be what a person like Hisoka is waiting for someone to do..."

The bird-like librarian turned amused eyes on Tsuzuki. "After all, Tsuzuki-san's specialty is meddling in others' affairs."

[ she takes a little time
in making up her mind
she doesn't want to fight against the tide... ]

Emerald green eyes watched uncomfortably as the scientist bandaged him up. The infirmary for JuOhCho seemed like a regular hospital room, although it had a more intimate air to it. Maybe it was because there were only eighteen people who would be admitted there. It wasn't as detached, as cold and uninviting.

The blonde scientist sat back and smiled as all the wounds were cleaned and wrapped.

"There!" Watari stated cheerfully, "All done!"

Hisoka flexed his arm, careful not to wince as he tugged on his cuts. It wasn't everyday that one got wrapped up like a mummy, after all. Muraki really was something, to know that women's hair would be able to restrain shinigami like that. As a shinigami, even he didn't know that.

Strong hair, then. Hisoka mused. Hair care products sure had come a long way. It sure didn't feel like hair when it was digging into his skin. More like a thinner version of piano wires. Hurt like hell, too. What was it about smaller cuts hurting more?

Watari started to check Hisoka over to see if had missed anything, his faithful owl 003 fluttering behind the man. It was an amusing sight, to see the disorganized scientist and the owl that followed him everywhere together. It made Hisoka slightly guilty for getting hurt in the first place, for interrupting Watari's work in his lab.

"...Sorry for the trouble." Hisoka muttered almost inaudiably. He ducked his head as Watari looked at him, confused for a moment. Then a smile blossomed on the blonde scientist's face again.

"That's okay." He reassured the boy. "It's always this way for the substitute doctor."

Aftering being satisfied that he hadn't missed anything, he stood up. "Alright! It looks like everything is fine..." His eyes sombered. "It really is too bad that you're quitting, though... He'll have to look for another partner. The poor guy..."

There was no need to mention who 'he' was. Hisoka was well aware of who Watari was talking about. But should he stay...? Tsuzuki wasn't that bad. Not really. A bit immature, a bit hyper. He needed to learn to be more responsible.

But then... the expression on the violet-eyed shinigami's face when he was facing Muraki... it was different from the expression he usually wore. It was more serious. Determined. It was almost as if Tsuzuki could revert from silly to somber only with the situation called for it. Did that mean that the genki attitude that his partner had was only a facade...?

"Actually..." Hisoka swallowed his nervousness. Undoubtably, if he said it aloud, he would be confirming it. "I... was thinking of remaining a bit longer."

"Eh?"

Obviously, Watari hadn't expected that. But the confused expression on his face soon changed to joy as he realized that the newest addition to the shinigamis was staying.

[ lately, i'm not the only one
i say never trust anyone
always the one who has to drag her down
maybe you'll get what you want this time around ]

"You were waiting for me."

The statement was made rather blandly, and Tsuzuki almost had to resist the wince that marked him as guilty. He had heard that Hisoka was staying. He had heard that his partner would be staying. And truthfully, he wasn't sure if he could believe it.

"The chief was crying, wasn't he?" Tsuzuki asked. "Asked you to stay around until my next partner had been decided?" The man turned his head away, unable to face the boy if it was true. Even though he had asked, he didn't want to know the answer. He didn't want Hisoka to confirm his fears.

"I guess it can't be helped." Tsuzuki said, mostly to himself. "KyuShuu isn't very popular, after all..."

"How do you know I'm only doing this for the chief?" Hisoka asked, sounding just a tad bit amused. Tsuzuki should have known by now that Hisoka was staying on his own will, since he didn't like listening to others. He wouldn't have stayed so long if he hadn't wanted to- even if the chief requested it.

Of course, Konoe didn't request that, seeing that he didn't need to.

Tsuzuki was silent, unable to answer that. Hisoka sighed as he leaned on the railing next to his partner. The rain was soaking into his hair and making his bangs stick to his eyes. He blew at them slightly, annoyance growing as he remembered that his bangs were heavier when they were wet.

He knew that there was something Tsuzuki wanted to ask him. Something that he should answer, as the shinigami's new partner. They weren't supposed to keep things this important from each other, right? Right.

So why was it that he didn't want to talk about it? It wasn't like keeping silent would change anything, since it was all in the past. And as much has he hated to admit it, Tsuzuki deserved to know.

Hisoka could feel Tsuzuki's eyes turn to him and he sighed. The other wanted answers.

"I knew." the empath admitted. "That I had been killed. That it wasn't just illness."

Tsuzuki looked surprised.

"I accidentally overheard it in the First District, ShinKouCho. They told me to look up EnmaCho about the possibility about my being killed. Talk to the people there." His voice grew bitter and his eyes turned to the sky, unprotected against the falling rain. "To put it simply... I was shocked. That's why I accepted to become a Shinigami when I had first refused. So I could find the person who killed me."

Tsuzuki had nothing to say to that. He had already learned of how Hisoka died, even though the boy did not want to answer him the first time he asked. Such a long and painful death...

"Of course," Hisoka said. "I'm already dead." There was a twitch of the lips, more of a self- depreciating smirk than a smile. "I knew that even if I found him, there would be nothing I could do."

But even Hisoka's usually cold expression turned wistful and sad. "But I wanted to know."

Why did I have to be killed? For what purpose? Why me?

Tsuzuki's expression hardened. The truth? The truth was that Muraki was a psycho. But that definately wouldn't settle Hisoka's questions. "So now that you've met him, have you been able to settle your feelings?"

"..I don't know." Hisoka looked over at Tsuzuki. "His soul is so dark and deep that even my powers can't comprehend it." All I could see was darkness...

There was a thick silence as the two digested the words. A powerful enemy, then. It was either he had enough powers to block out Hisoka's empathy, or that his soul really was that dark, and that twisted.

"If you don't want to be partnered with me, go ahead and say so." Hisoka said, sensing Tsuzuki's troubled mind. He folded his arms, waiting for the other's shinigami's answers.

Tsuzuki smiled brightly at that, dark mood gone. "That's right!" He jabbed a finger at Hisoka, who backed up a step, surprised. "I've never been paired with such a handful as you... still a child!"

Hisoka sputtered, but then narrowed his eyes.

"Stubborn... won't listen to a single word I say..."

Hisoka gritted his teeth now. Gee, criticize much? He felt his anger coming back to him despite his attempts at a peaceful talk with Tsuzuki. He already knew his faults... he didn't need them all shoved in his face!

Tsuzuki's smile grew slightly melancholy as he continued to watch Hisoka. "...Which is what I wanted to say; but I've changed my mind."

Hisoka blinked, his anger suddenly fading. What?

Violet eyes were serious.

"Will you be my partner from now on? Hisoka."

[ can't bear to face the truth
so sick he cannot move
and when it hurts he takes it out on you ]

The sky was darker than the blackest of black. It didn't matter that the moon was glowing an eerie red glow, lighting up the entire night with its unnaturalness. It didn't matter that the stars were still shining dully in the sky, guiding lost souls to their homes. Just the thickness of the night air brought the dark of the sky out, the warm humidity of the season, and the coying smell of sakura petals in the air.

"Ah... n...o... nooo..."

The pained moan escaped Hisoka's lips, his eyes going blank as he recalled the night. This wasn't Tsubaki-hime's dream that he was trapped in anymore, it was his own. His own nightmares, his own memories. And in that dream, he could still feel the heat of the night, the smell of sakura was still enough to make him gag. The only sakura tree in the entire village- and it had been blossoming on that night.

The moon made everything in the night look a frightening red, staining the visage of the silver angel that stood above Hisoka, smirking in such a knowing way. There would be no one to save him from this dream, no one to hear him and no one with any reason to come to his rescue. The thought only served to whet Hisoka's fears.

It was only then that the pain hit Hisoka in a blast, forcing him into a silent scream. It was burning, burning all over. Every inch of his skin was dipped in searing flames and the warm blood dripping down, his blood, did nothing to cool the fires. It was the curse- it was the pain of dying, the pain that he had to live with for three years.

Hisoka gasped desperately in order to replace the air that was forced out of his lungs with the pain. He tried to claw at his own thoat when he realized how hard it was to breathe, but then found out that his wrists were both pinned down my Muraki's larger, stronger hands.

"Well, look at this," Muraki cooed. The silver-haired man bend his head to nuzzle Hisoka's neck, enjoying the sensations as Hisoka arched up for air, muscles convulsing due to lack of oxygen. "The grusome brilliance of a dying soul departing..."

Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut, wondering if he wanted to die or not. The events of that night... the pain he had to live with afterwards... even his life before Muraki. None of it had been pleasent, none of it was worth anything. He wasn't worth anything. Everyone he knew hated him, and now he was cursed- tainted, broken. The blonde could feel Muraki's lips twisting up into a grin as he bit down on the soft skin. Though Hisoka felt sick at each one of Muraki's touches, all of a sudden he could breathe again, although the harshness of his body's reaction almost made him wish he had died instead.

But no...

There was still someone who wanted him around. Someone who acted as if Hisoka's pain was his own, risking his life to save him. Someone who would protect him, and wanted him around. He wasn't hated by everyone he knew. There was someone who didn't hate him. Someone who wanted him around. Someone...

There was someone who would care, and someone who might be able to hear him. Someone who would save him from Muraki- just because.

Help me...

...Tsuzuki...!

[ lately, i'm not the only one
i say never trust anyone
always the one who has to drag her down
maybe you'll get what you want this time around ]

Hisoka woke up with a start, immediantly sitting up and getting into a defensive position.

But he wasn't outside anymore, wasn't underneath the Sakura tree and didn't feel that horrible burning sensation in his veins.

"Hey, are you alright, Hisoka?"

Emerald green eyes started to focus again as Hisoka realized he wasn't in any immediant danger. He turned towards the sound of the voice to see his partner gazing worriedly at him. He could feel Tsuzuki's concern for him rolling off in waves, with a hint of something he couldn't identify under it.

He was in his room. In the Queen Camillia.

He felt Tsuzuki's hand feel his forehead for a fever, and heard the other grunt in satisfaction as he felt nothing out of the ordinary.

"What happened? When I came to Tsubaki's room, you had collapsed on the floor..."

The concern for him was now mixed with a hint of past fear, fear of something bad happening to him while Tsuzuki had been gone. It made Hisoka feel slightly guilty over getting himself stuck in those nightmares, even though he knew that he was not at fault. Tsuzuki didn't notice Hisoka's slight grimace, and continued. "You were having a nightmare. You kept thrasing around when I carried you back here."

Carried? Oh, damn. Did that mean that Tsuzuki had been able to hear something? Did he say something that he would regret later? Did he show just how frightened of Muraki he was to Tsuzuki?

But most importantly, when he had called for his partner...

"...I..." Damn, his mouth felt so thick. It was as if he had swallowed a wad of cotton. He swallowed, starting again and ignored the poor quality of his voice, hoarse after screaming. "Did I... say anything just now?"

There was a brief hesitation, as if Tsuzuki was considering what words he should use to calm his frazzled partner. "No, nothing. But you were gasping painfully." Violet eyes grew infinately sad. Hisoka wasn't able to catch anything that Tsuzuki was feeling, as emotional walls went up instantly after that.

But the look left as fast as it came, and in an instant Tsuzuki was standing and smiling again, bounding out the door. "I'll get you some water. We can talk after you've settled down."

Hisoka was cut off by the click of the door before he could say anything.

Outside the room, Gushoshin eyed Tsuzuki wearily.

"You lied again," the bird-like librarian accused Tsuzuki. "Such a slip of the tongue..."

"That's alright. I've got two tongues." Tsuzuki smiled weakly, not looking away from the door. "After all," he whispered softly. "I thought it was for the best."

Gushoshin stayed silent after this, knowing that it was not the best time to comment. Tsuzuki was usually not this quiet and serious... yet he always seemed to be whenever there was something serious happening that concerned his partner.

Even if it was for a moment,

Tsuzuki made his way to a refreshment stand, his stride calm and unhurried, belaying his current thoughts.

That he clung to me...

The shinigami shook off those thoughts. It wasn't for a time like this.

...He would never allow it...

[ ...the trick is to keep breathing...
...the trick is to keep breathing... ]

The smell of seawater was almost overwhelming.

Of course, that could be because of the explosion that Hisoka had barely heard outside. The smell of seawater could have been enough to make anyone nausous, yet he barely acknowledged it. In fact, Hisoka could hardly feel the wetness that seeped into his clothes as he sat in the middle of the water, leaning against the wall for support. He could, though, see the pink that surrounded a limp form near him. A form of a girl who he had cared for. A girl whom he thought would understand, because she should know the pain that he felt, the pain that came with dealing with Muraki.

Yet she had shocked him. She was so different from him... instead of falling into hatred, she had fallen into love. A twisted love that she did not deserve. A love that ended in death. H...how could she live like that?

...and why couldn't she have loved him instead?

"Please..." She placed a pale hand on his shocked face. "Please don't be sad, Hisoka. You have someone more worthy of you than me." She smiled sadly as Hisoka grabbed her hand, pulling it away from him on instinct, unwilling to let people touch him. "Someone who protects you..."

What in the world did Tsubaki-hime mean by that?

Hisoka's eyes hardened as he held the gun in his hands up, his grip sure. He had to get out, before he could mourn Tsubaki-hime's death.

"Takes care of you..."

There was a whirring noise beyond the hallway that Hisoka was wading through.

"Understands you..."

He gave one last look to the girl who spoke of such strange words, things that he himself did not understand. Yet... yet there was a strange emotion he recognized when she had spoke. An emotion present in her when she had looked to Muraki, when she had looked to Hisoka. And there was a gentle understanding as she had told him all about himself.

How was it that he, as an empath, could not understand his own emotions... and she did? That... she could know so much of how he was feeling even though he hadn't known it himself?

It was why he was so facinated with her. Why he didn't want to give her up.

"While knowing... and will forgive everything..."

A hand reached for him from the sky as Hisoka ran out of the constricting halls in the ship. The ship that was sinking... would have taken him down with it...

"Hisoka!"

Hisoka looked up to see Tsuzuki sitting at the edge of a helicopter, reaching out his hand as far as it would go. Most of the ends of the Queen Camillia had been blown away from the explosion, and there was some distance between the two partners.

A crazy thought appeared in the blonde's head for a split second. If Tsuzuki didn't come for him... didn't catch him... would he drown? Would he drown in this ship... in all the memories of Muraki and all the past pain? A hysterical thought. One that hit too close to the heart. If Tsuzuki wasn't here... he would drown... drown...

"A person who will love you..."

"Get on!" Tsuzuki looked so worried... "The ship will sink!"

Tsuzuki... Hisoka mused. His partner. Why did Tsuzuki always look out for him? Hisoka still didn't understand, even though Tsuzuki had made it seem so natural, so simple. Why would one risk their own lives for another? Especially one such as himself...

"Come!" Tsuzuki's arm never wavered, though the strain of battling with the winds from the blades of the helicopter and the risk of burning or cutting himself on the sharp, charred edges may have deterred many others.

Tsubaki smiled despite the lifeblood that was seeping away from her. "...is right next to you..."

Hisoka ran the final steps and jumped into the air, trusting more than anything else that Tsuzki would catch him. Tsuzuki always caught him...

[ she knows the human heart
and how to read the stars
now everything's about to fall apart ]

"Wow...! It's snow! It's snowing!" Tsuzuki leaned against the window, glass tucked under one chin as he stared outside. "That's strange... the forecast said it would be clear..."

And indeed, it was snowing. The pureness of the white blanket seemed so wrong during the middle of this case, in the middle of all the deaths. A false hope, almost. It was said that the rain was angels crying... and the snow was actually the body of angels who had died and decided to purify the earth as their last act.

Tsuzuki pressed his face harder against the glass. Why couldn't he be touched by the snow? Why couldn't he also be purified? To let the snow wash away his sins and start afresh? He wanted that. To forget everything...

"You're drinking again?"

The voice was startlingly close. Tsuzuki looked away from the window.

Hisoka stood with his arms crossed, a worried frown lingering on his lips. "Stop taking advantage of Tatsumi's credit." he chided, trying to sound harsh. It didn't come out that way with the strange look in his bright eyes.

Tsuzuki grinned sloppily at that and tried to glomp his partner, the alcohol in his system making him forget that Hisoka normal hated to be touched. "Hisoka!" Nuzzle. "Ne, ne, let's drink together!"

A sudden rush of sluggishness...
guilt
pain
concern
affection
confusion

Hisoka shoved Tsuzuki away as quick as he could, eyes going wide with all the emotions that ran through him with the contact. He knew that he should have been used to Tsuzuki's emotions by now (having been around the usually hyper man so much), but it was still so confusing and painful to be in physical contact with anyone. Especially when Tsuzuki was so emotional. The tenuous grasp on his own emotions seemed to slip whenever he felt too much from someone else.

Was he feeling some of it? Was it his own emotions, or Tsuzuki's? Somehow, Hisoka had a feeling that most of what he had felt earlier was what was going on in Tsuzuki's head at the moment. Yet he couldn't figure out what he was feeling... Hisoka shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Contact was bad. It made him so confused...

"Are you an idiot?" Hisoka scoffed, words coming out harsh. Yet as green eyes focused on wide purple ones, the boy couldn't find the will to be angry with his partner. Sighing ever so slightly, he tried to ignore the pleading eyes as he ordered his own coffee. Going over to sit by Tsuzuki, he also looked out the window.

"It's falling again..." Hisoka mused. "The snow."

Tsuzuki pouted. "You're no fun..." There was a slight sniffle before he quieted down, watching his partner out of the corner of his eyes.

It was a long moment before Hisoka heard Tsuzuki again... the lower timbre of the man's voice barely a whisper.

"Ne, Hisoka..."

The blonde boy looked up, surprised to hear his partner sounding so serious... especially when Tsuzuki was drunk.

"He said..." The purple-eyed man was playing with his drink, tilting the cup from one side to the other. "...I'm not human."

It was hard to figure out who had said it, considering that Muraki had recently forced Tsuzuki into a date. Of course, Hisoka had been there also- but it wasn't like Hisoka could prevent or listen in to everything Muraki had said.

Hisoka made a questioning noise. What kind of a thing was that to say? Tsuzuki didn't believe it... did he?

"He said that the arrangement of my DNA is different..." Tsuzuki grew too somber all of a sudden. It was a coherency created only be the alcohol in his system, eyes unnaturally bright. "Different from a human's."

Hisoka watched his partner for a moment. "Tsuzuki...?" He asked cautiously, not knowing how to react in this situation. Damn it, his partner DID believe that sadistic bastard. And he didn't know how to deal with this... Tatsumi would know how to deal with it, not him. Not someone who had never comforted someone in his entire life.

"If... If I'm not human, what am I?" Tsuzuki's eyes pleaded for Hisoka to answer. His grip on the fragile cup grew so strong that for a moment Hisoka thought it would shatter.

"What... am I?"

He couldn't do this. There was no way he could reassure Tsuzuki. He didn't know how to reassure people. Tatsumi should be the one here, not him. He didn't know how to answer Tsuzuki's questions, to make him feel better. He would only mess it up, would only worsen Tsuzuki's self-confidence. He couldn't be the one to comfort Tsuzuki right now.

But... Tsuzuki had been there for him when Tsubaki-hime had died. Had been the one to convince him that it wasn't murder... that he wasn't anything like Muraki. Tsuzuki had been the one who had always been there...

...always there to catch him...

"Ba.. baka." There was only a slight hesitation. Hisoka frowned deeply, not knowing how to be. Well, he could always be himself. "What the hell are you rambling about now?"

Or maybe not. The blonde empath winced internally.

But Tsuzuki didn't seem to be affected by it. "When I was a child... I would get picked on a lot because of my eye color." A hand went up to his face, enunciating what he was saying. "It was different from everyone else's... different from those around me."

"Monster! Monster! You aren't human!"

Hisoka startled as his partner stood up all of a sudden, and ran out of the building.

"Tsuzuki?"

Ignoring the yells of the shopkeeper, Hisoka ran after his partner, his concern overriding everything else. Tsuzuki was acting so strange... what had just happened? Where did he go?

"Tsuzuki!"

There wasn't anyone out in the streets that night, and Hisoka got more and more worried.

"That baka..." Where did he go?

There was a slight noise in one of the alleyways that Hisoka had nearly passed without a glance. Looking back, he saw the shape of his partner in the darkness, crouching down for something. Taking a few steps towards his normally happy partner, Hisoka was surprised (and not a little paniced) to see that Tsuzuki had picked up a large rock.

The drunk man was wavering, Hisoka could tell. His emotional walls were crumbling down... and there so many confusing emotions swirling around, enough to make Hisoka dizzy just from being in close proximity to his partner.

Tsuzuki smashed the rock into his eye, ignoring Hisoka's panicked shout. "These eyes... it'd be better if I didn't have them!"

Running over to his partner, Hisoka snatched the rock away from the other man, doing his best to stay out of contact with the wild emotions running underneath the surface. The blood on the rock was enough to make Hisoka's grip nearly slip, but the younger man was relieved to see that the wound was already starting to heal. "You idiot!" He yelled. "What do you think you're doing?"

Tsuzuki wrapped his arms around himself, kneeling down on the dirty ground of the alleyway. There were tears that started to join the blood on his face, tears that were formed by his currently blind eye. "These eyes... these... these!"

Hisoka gave a yelp of pain as the emotions carried by his partner bombarded him all of a sudden. So strong.. so very strong, those emotions...

Is this... is this Tsuzuki's true self?

The blonde boy's shock was overwhelmed by a faint image of a young boy running, crying. Was this... was this Tsuzuki? Was this what Tsuzuki really felt?

discrimination
persecution
loneliness
- - -and then
the realization of guilt...
Living is a crime!

Tsuzuki sat up, his right eye cloudy as if blind. The blood that had been running down his face had stopped, making it look as if he had been crying blood. Yet there were tears running down his face also, mixing in with the blood. "I always knew I was different... But.. but I wanted to be with humans. I wanted to human-"

Forever. Such a unachieveable dream... Please make me human!

Hisoka was silent for a few moments after hearing Tsuzuki's wish. He had never realized the depth of how different they were... and how similar. Humans were horrible creatures... those that hurt. Those that created pain and destruction. He knew it first hand. Tsuzuki should have known it first hand also. So why... why did his partner, who could be someone above a horrid human... why did he want to be a human being? Humans were weak.

"You..." Hisoka had to hide the disgusted tone in his voice. "Even after all those terrible things done to you... still believe in humans? Still believe in those people who can so calmly hurt others... hurt you... until you lay bleeding before them..."

Tsuzuki...

"...you're an idiot." Hisoka scoffed, but grabbed at his partner's clothing, prompting the other man to look up at him, surprised. "You ARE human. I'll guarantee it."

The eyes that had tears in them before now looked so hopeful. As if... if Hisoka believed it, it was true. "Hisoka..."

Humans were weak... and if this weak creature who cried for his own tormentors wasn't weak... what else was he?

"You've always been human." Hisoka's voice was demanding, making sure that Tsuzuki would believe it. "So... don't cry."

Even if everyone before you goes away...
I alone will stay by your side...
Tsuzuki...

[ i won't be the one who's going to let you down
maybe you'll get what you want this time around
(the trick is to keep breathing) ]

"It's over, boy. You've lost this match. A single key will do you no good. Give it up."

Despite the horribly disencouraging words, the tone of voice was gentle and understanding, even tinged with sympathy. But it only angered Hisoka more.

Oriya. Why did he side with Muraki? What was it about Muraki that would win over this beautiful man? There was nothing about that evil doctor that could possibly inspire such loyalty... Oriya seemed like he could side any way he chose to, without being influenced by either side. He seemed like the rare type of person that Muraki wouldn't be able to stand against.

Hisoka growled quietly under his breath. His arms were already covered with blood, and it was hard to focus on his opponent. Even though he would heal within a few minutes, it was the very second that was so precious. He had to obtain the key that Oriya had. And that meant defeating the man... when he himself had not practiced in years- since before Muraki had cursed him and had put him in a hospital bed for three years.

"Wait!" He was not desperate. He was not desperate. He was NOT desperate, damn it! "This match... isn't over yet!" The green eyed boy struggled to bring his katana into an attack position, tightening his grip to make sure the weapons wouldn't accidentally slip away due to the blood slicking his hands.

"Don't be reckless, Kurosaki-kun!" Damn. Even Tatsumi didn't think he could win. "Even someone like me, who's never been trained in bujitsu, knows that that man is more skilled!"

"Yea!" Watari was adding in his opinion from the sidelines, concern for Hisoka shining clearly in his golden eyes. "This guy's a master at this!"

"No..."

He would not be deterred.

"All this time, Tsuzuki's always been there for me..."

Like a father... a mother... an older brother... an older sister... and at times, even a younger brother or sister.

All those things I never had in the past...

He gave me something people would call a 'family'...

Even though I had closed my heart after death because interaction with others was cumbersome... I was patiently and slowly surrounded in warm hands... always watched over with a smile...

So now... more than anything else...

"Now, if Tsuzuki's in trouble... I want to save him..." Hisoka raised his katana, placing his feet into positions of defense by memory and instinct.

He accepted me as a person. And because of that, I...

"This time, I want to help him."

...was healed.

Oriya looked skeptical, robes aflutter in the wind. He looked as if he wanted to believe Hisoka, but knew that the blonde boy didn't couldn't do what he wanted to. "Even if by chance you win, boy... you can't use the key."

"I know." The answer was flat, a statement only. "But... Even if there's the smallest possibility, I want to bet on it! I have no reason to withdrawl now!"

There was a slight twitch in Oriya's lips. "You're a gambler, boy..." The twitch became a full-flegged smile. "I like that!" He steadied his katana with both hands. "This time, then... for real!"

The sounds of metal against metal was nearly deafening, the spectators of the match standing in awe and not a small amount of fear of the clashing weapons. The faint sunlight streaming into the garden of fake sakura petals and misty dreamscapes only provided a more eerie feeling to the fight, as if it had been dragged a hundred years into the past.

"Boy... why do you fight?"

Oriya scored another blow as blood fell in streams from the injured Hisoka. It was clear to see that Oriya was still holding back, still refusing to fully fight against a weakened Hisoka. But that was alright for the boy. He wasn't worried about pride anymore- just winning. He had to win. He had reasons he had to win.

"Is it to bring back your friend... or simply because you hate Muraki?"

Wh... why had Oriya asked that?

I hate Muraki. But this fight is different.

The furry of blows were becoming more furious, more succinct and precise as both opponents tried to conserve energy in order to continue on with the fight.

The clashing of metals was almost hypnotic... almost peaceful in its violence.

"You can't win with the power of hate."

Hisoka grimaced as the blade dug into his shoulder, but jerked away at the last moment before taking that opening made when he was injured to try and counterattack.

I just... want to go back to the place where I belong.

With Watari-san... Tatsumi-san... Everyone in the ShoKan bureau... the warmth of a place called home. The 'family' I always anted but could never get...

We're a family tied deeper than blood. The first home that I have.. is because Tsuzuki is there.

If he wasn't there, I might have been abandoned by that 'home'. It's because of Tsuzuki... that I'll allowed to be there...

"...why do you fight?"

"That's why I fight..." Hisoka's voice came out hoarse. "To protect my place... to prove the reason of my existance!"

Oriya sheathed his katana, a slight smile still on his face. "That's what I needed to hear."

Hisoka startled. "Wha..! What are you doing? Ready your blade!" He changed stances. "I have to defeat you! I have to get Tsuzuki back!"

Oriya's smile grew sad. "Even crazy people have a reason behind their insanity... Even Muraki fights for the same reason you do. Here- the cardkeys." He threw an object into the air, and Hisoka caught it clumsily, confused. He dropped his blade to the ground, and then stared at Oriya.

"Hurry and save your friend. Sorry for delaying you... boy."

Hisoka stared numbly at the other man, confused at the swirl of emotions running through the long-haired man.

"Kurosaki-kun, hurry!"

Blinking out of his stupor, Hisoka clutched on to the keys tightly and awkwardly bowed to Oriya before taking off in a run, not even bother to clean himself off.

"Boy! Fight! Fight and retrieve your 'place' again!"

[ i won't be the one who's going to let you down
(the trick is to keep breathing)
maybe you'll get what you want this time around
...the trick is to keep breathing... ]

"Tsuzuki!"

The flames were nipping at his clothes even from such a distance. It really was impressive, the bright spectacle of fire and soot dancing in the cool evening air. The heat was enough to make Hisoka feel dizzy if it hadn't been that his partner was in the mess of flames.

He had been about to go in after his partner when Tatsumi grabbed his arm, halting his advance. Hisoka looked up at the older shinigami, confusion plainly written on his face. Why would Tatsumi want to stop him from helping Tsuzuki?

"Wait, Kurosaki-kun! That fire is not made of normal flames! Touda's fires are so scalding that even Shinigami are in danger from it!"

"What are you talking about?" Hisoka snapped, not in the mood for strange sayings. So what if he would take longer to recover? It wasn't like Tsuzuki wasn't in more danger than he was. "Even a burn injury will soon-"

Tatsumi's eyes hardened. "You really think that a Shinigami's body is immortal?"

Hisoka blinked, confused as to where the conversation was leading.

"Even a Shinigami can't recover is the damage is down to the celluar level! In other words, if you stay in such an intense heat, you will surely die!"

The smaller shinigami stood still, shocked. "But... Tsuzuki..."

Tatsumi's gaze grew infinately saddened. "We can't do anything. He is using Touda's full capabilities to fully kill himself." Blue eyes stared into the thick flames, centering on the small figure so small away. "Tsuzuki-san... you must be living in hell right now... do you really hate yourself that much...?"

He turned back towards the shocked Hisoka and smiled sadly. "You didn't know, did you?"

But surprisingly, it was Watari was exploded first, hitting Tatsumi harshly over the head. "Will you cut that out!" There were tears in those golden eyes, only amplified by the bright fires and glasses that seemed to shine in the dark. "You thick skilled IDIOT! That hopeless attitude..!"

"Watari-san!" Another shocker for Hisoka. Since when did those two act like that?

Tatsumi seemed shocked also, not from the hit he recieved, but from Watari's violent reaction.

"Even I understand that Tsuzuki wants to die." Watari shook his head, closing his eyes to stop the tears. "And you might respect his wishes... but that's just running away! What you want to do... has nothing to do with what Tsuzuki wants..." He opened his eyes again, gaze hard and unforgiving. "What do you want to do, Tatsumi?"

"I-" Tatumi was speechless, unable to conjure up the words to answer Watari.

Hisoka only shook his head. "Please stop, Watari-san! This isn't the time!" He ignored Watari's vehement protests. "I'll... go. I... don't want Tsuzuki to die in a place like this..." The green-eyed boy looked up into the flames, to the spilling ceiling of the once labotory.

As Tsuzuki's partner...

A gentle smile. "Because you're my partner, that's why!"

"Exchanging Muraki's life with his own... I don't want that at all!" Hisoka's voice was increasing in volume.

"Kurosaki-kun..." That sad gaze from Tatsumi again. Hisoka was sick of it.

Even if dying is what Tsuzuki wants... I can't accept that!

"I don't want to accept it!"

With those words, Hisoka lept past the barrior of the crushed door and into the flames below.

"Kurosaki-kun!" There was panic tinged in that voice now.

"I'm sorry!" Hisoka yelled up. "If I live through this, I'll accept whatever the punishment is!" He turned back towards the flames, determination replacing the guilt in his eyes. "But I... I don't want any regrets!"

[ ...the trick is to keep breathing... ]

How many people had died? Because of him... they had all died for no reason. He shouldn't have existed in the first place. He shouldn't have been born... he wasn't needed in the world, after all. Everyone had died hating him... He was an abomination.

Please... correct this distortion, Touda...

"I don't think I'll be forgiven... but I'm sorry. It's better if I were gone..." Tsuzuki stretched out his arms towards his Shikigami in the room. "Burn me more, Touda... Reduce everything to ashes!"

This eternal life...

"Tsuzuki!"

Tsuzuki's head jerked up at the familiar voice... No, he's not supposed to be here...

"What are you doing, you idiot?" Hisoka had an arm to his face as if to ward off the terrible flames. "I'll lead you out!"

Hisoka...?

"Can't move?" Hisoka's outstretched hand wavered. "Wait! I'm coming...!"

Tsuzuki scrambled towards his partner. "No, go back! You'll die too!"

But it was too late. Hisoka had already teleported to where Tsuzuki was and held thin hands on Tsuzuki's shoulders, eyes blazing with anger parallel to the fire around them. Tsuzuki cringed back, feeling too guilty to enjoy the rare touch that his partner spared.

"Stop that!" Hisoka's grip tightened considerably. "You... NUMBSKULL. Are you saying that I came all this way just to watch you die?"

"I..." The tears returned to violet eyes, turned upwards to plead with emerald glints. "Just want to die now. It's enough, Hisoka... I've lived for far too long..."

All I feel now is regret... guilt... sorrow...

Tears were dropping now, evaporating almost instantly in the heat. "I'm... just so tired..."

Violet eyes widened as he felt arms being thrown around him, wrapping him in a protective embrace. At the same time, the hold was desperate... clinging. "Hisoka..."

"Then I'm not going back either!" The voice was muffled by tears and Tsuzuki's shirt. "I don't... want to be alone anymore. I decided a long time ago... that my place is here... by your side. And if you can't live for yourself anymore, then live for me."

I don't want to lose what's important to me...
So now I refuse to be separated from you- I won't let you go for a second time. Whatever world you're heading for... I'll go there with you...

Tsuzuki hesitantly lifted his own arms to wrap around Hisoka.

"Then..." the tone was tentative. "Can I stay with you?"

Hisoka couldn't find the voice to answer, only managing a faint nod against Tsuzuki's shirt. They wouldn't be separated... never.

And it was in that moment when the entire building exploded.

[ ...the trick is to keep breathing... ]

.:Owari:.

Authoress's Comments:
Oh, c'mon people. You all know what happened after. This was supposed to be Hisoka's birthday present, but... ;_; I'm sorry, Hisoka! I'm sooo late, I know... But I've had a few busy days... and not to mention, you can tell this entire fic is rushed... *cries* I'm sorry! I'll do better next time! This was supposed to be a new style for me, but... I kinda just changed things around in the end. I totally rushed the ending, and was supposed to have another scene after this (you know, the one where Tsuzuki promises Hisoka that they were going to defeat Muraki together?)
Not only that, but I haven't written in a few months... -_-;; I know, 'Bad Shammy, bad!' I kept skipping around scenes, so you'll have to know YnM very well to understand what's going on here. Gaaaaaah... but... Happy belated birthday, Hisoka! We love you! Enjoy your 22nd year! *V*