DISCLAIMER

‘seaQuest’ and its characters, places, and situations are owned by Universal Studios/Amblin Entertainment. Mentos is owned by… Mentos, I guess. American Airlines own themselves. They are reproduced here for non-commercial entertainment. All other material is mine, and I will have my vicious attack dog kill you if you steal.

If you have bad reactions to stories of comedic disasters on airplanes, avoid this story—and for that matter, movies such as The Out-of-Towners with Sandy Dennis and Jack Lemmon, Airplane, and Airplane 2. However, don’t flame me. You have been warned. If you go forth and read this story knowing you will be offended by it, you do not have my sympathy. Have a nice day.

AUTHOR’S NOTES

Written many many years ago, once transformed into a play by some Canadian high school students. (Yaay!)

Mentos Air

a seaQuest parody

by Kassi

(On a regularly scheduled flight from Chicago O'Hare to Denver, the cockpit crew accidentally left the intercom system on, providing nervous passengers with in-flight entertainment.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard the American Airlines' Fokker 100 direct flight to Denver International Airport. I'm Lonnie, your flight attendant. Your crew today is Captain Lucas Wolenczak, Navigations Officer Seaman Anthony Piccolo, and First Officer Commander J.J. Fredricks. The Commander is currently experiencing difficulties with her vocal cords due to the psych implant on her neck but rest assured she's become quite adept at sign language and is perfectly capable of flying the plane if she is needed. Our estimated arrival time at Denver International Airport is 1:00 pm Mountain Time. After takeoff flight attendants will be serving drinks and a light snack of Mentos and Advil.

CAPTAIN WOLENCZAK: How do I turn this thing on?

SEAMAN PICCOLO: I thought you were supposed to be the computer genius. Have you seen my glasses?

CAPTAIN: Freddie sat on them. Hang on, I think I've got it.

SEAMAN: Oh well, I'll muddle thr...

click, then several moments of silence

click

CAPTAIN: Okay. Time to take off. What's... oh, wait. Freddie, get clearance.

SEAMAN: What's she saying?

CAPTAIN: Wish we'd brought O'Neill. Oh well, I can probably avoid the other planes. Can't be much harder than driving seaQuest.

SEAMAN: Okay, supergenius. How do we drive this big boat?

CAPTAIN: First we take off.

SEAMAN: How do we do that?

CAPTAIN: Point the engines at the ground, of course. Where are the rotator controls? Freddie, lean out the window and tell me if this does anything.

SEAMAN: Congratulations, Captain. You've discovered windshield wipers.

CAPTAIN: Hey, give me a break. I'm doing pretty well so far for my first time. I figured out the intercom. Freddie, anything happening? Oh great. Any clue what she's saying?

SEAMAN: I'll take a look. Hey, you made the wingflaps move!

CAPTAIN: Up or down?

SEAMAN: Both. Hey, Luke, babe alert. Luggage handlers at four o'clock.

CAPTAIN: Be serious, Tony. Help me look for a manual or something.

SEAMAN: Sir, yes sir.

CAPTAIN: Oh, wait. I found it!

SEAMAN: Hudson gave me a book about fighter pilots in WW2, if that would help.

CAPTAIN: Did it have takeoff procedures?

SEAMAN: I don't know. I didn't understand most of it.

CAPTAIN: These diagrams don't look anything like the controls I have here. Where's this engine thrust switch?

SEAMAN: That looks like it.

plane leaps backward suddenly

CAPTAIN: Brakes!

plane stops

CAPTAIN: Where's the horn? What a mororn. Tony, take the radio. Tell 'em we're taking off.

SEAMAN: Yes, sir. Hey, tower people. This is flight... Hey, Lucas, what's our flight number?

CAPTAIN: Ask Freddie.

SEAMAN: Freddie? Umm... this is flight number... 'bird flying low over Bahamas?' Nice, Freddie. We're taking off.

plane leaps backward again and stops

CAPTAIN: Sorry, sorry, forgot to take it out of reverse.

SEAMAN: What a cheezy in-flight magazine! Have you seen this?

CAPTAIN: Not now, Tony. I'm taking off.

SEAMAN: Yeah, but does the plane know that?

plane leaps forward and zooms down runway, swerving around other planes

CAPTAIN: Okay, we're doing well. Which one's our exit?

SEAMAN: Do I look like a map?

CAPTAIN: Sometimes you look like a map of Wyoming. C5. Where does that go?

SEAMAN: Looks like Cancun, only less scenic.

CAPTAIN: They've all got to go somewhere. I'll take this one.

plane turns sharply

CAPTAIN: Jesus, this thing corners like an old Volvo!

SEAMAN: Uh, Lucas, I think this is for service vehicles... Pole!

CAPTAIN: I see it, I see it.

plane swerves, dips sharply

SEAMAN: I think this is the median.

CAPTAIN: Brilliant, Tony.

plane swerves again

CAPTAIN: Oh, here's the runway. Perfect!

SEAMAN: I like to reflect on my life every once in a while.

CAPTAIN: Chill, Tony. I can handle it. I have a PhD in airplane psychology.

SEAMAN: What the hell is that?

CAPTAIN: Don't panic. Okay. Cut engines...

plane slows to a stop

CAPTAIN: Oh, hey, flaps. Pull them in.

SEAMAN: How?

CAPTAIN: I'll do it.

SEAMAN: Windshield wipers.

CAPTAIN: Right. I knew that. Okay. Flaps in... are we supposed to take the landing gear in now, or after takeoff?

SEAMAN: I think we need the wheels.

CAPTAIN: Oh, yeah. Now, which of these engines speeds us up to takeoff speed? I... think that's it.

engines rev

CAPTAIN: Okay. I'll tell the flight attendants to prepare.

click, then several moments of silence

click

CAPTAIN: Let's go.

plane jumps forward with a jarring jolt and speeds up rapidly

CAPTAIN: Oh, great. How do I get the nose up? Watch the plane for me, Freddie. Doesn't this manual have a quick reference index? Oh, here it is.

plane tilts back sharply

CAPTAIN: Very cool!

SEAMAN: Hey, Luke. If you care, there's a plane ahead of us.

CAPTAIN: We're fine.

SEAMAN: It's landing.

CAPTAIN: We're fine.

plane slowly eases up off the runway, narrowly missing the tail of the other plane

CAPTAIN: Told you so. Okay, now I retract the wheels.

SEAMAN: It's not raining, Luke.

CAPTAIN: I know that! Wheels retracted. Okay, let's get this baby up.

plane continues to ascend, relative silence for a few moments

SEAMAN: I wonder if this thing can do barrel rolls...

CAPTAIN: Chill, Tony.

SEAMAN: Hey, just a thought.

muffled radio chatter

CAPTAIN: See what they want now, will you, Tony?

SEAMAN: Yo, what's up, control? Hey, chill. He knows what he's doing. Yeah, yeah. Don't you have anything better to do than to talk about the weather? Get a life, kid.

radio chatter fades

CAPTAIN: Thanks, Tony. I'm having enough trouble as it is. I wish they had signs up here! I have no clue how to get to... hell. Where are we going?

SEAMAN: Freddie says 'Seattle.'

CAPTAIN: How can you tell?

SEAMAN: She's miming 'umbrella.'

CAPTAIN: That's 'snow.' Skiing. Denver!

SEAMAN: Where's that?

CAPTAIN: West, I think. Where's the compass?

SEAMAN: Do you know how to read it?

CAPTAIN: Sure. pause Oops.

plane turns sharply, throwing passengers toward the left side as the wing tilts down

CAPTAIN: Okay. Now we're going west.

SEAMAN: Great flying.

CAPTAIN: I said it couldn't corner.

SEAMAN: Flashing red light ahead. Does that mean stop?

CAPTAIN: We're in an airplane, Tony. I don't think we can stop. I wouldn't want to anyway, in case this thing stalls. Okay, we've reached cruising altitude. I can turn off the fasten seatbelts sign.

loud bang

CAPTAIN: Oops.

SEAMAN: What's that red light on your board?

CAPTAIN: I just opened the luggage compartment.

long pause

SEAMAN: Well, luggage gets lost all the time. They're used to it. We can pull a McGath if anyone asks and deny the existance of any luggage on this flight.

CAPTAIN: Good thinking. Okay, we've smoothed out. Let me check all the gauges.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Hi guys. Advil? Mentos? Can I get you something to drink? Everyone's dessert rations? Me to... be with you?

CAPTAIN: I'll have a Sprite and some Mentos.

SEAMAN: I'll have a Coke and some Advil. This guy's driving is giving me a headache. Any whipped cream?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Non-dairy creamer.

SEAMAN: Oh well. Freddie, want anything?

CAPTAIN: 'One.'

SEAMAN: One what?

CAPTAIN: Maybe that means something else. She's not using her index finger.

SEAMAN: Get her some Mentos. Might make her feel better. Shouldn't you update the passengers or something?

CAPTAIN: Oh, right.

click, then long silence

plane starts shaking

click

SEAMAN: What's happening?

CAPTAIN: Looks like we have some interference. Could be from an electronic device. I'll call the flight attendant up and have her check the passengers. Flight attendant, please report to the cabin.

SEAMAN: Ever seen dials do that spinny thing on one of these before?

CAPTAIN: Nope.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Hi guys. What do you need?

CAPTAIN: Could you check the passengers and see who's using an electronic device?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sure! Anything... else?

CAPTAIN: That's it.

SEAMAN: What's generally the procedure when it gets bumpy?

CAPTAIN: I think I'm supposed to tell the passengers to fasten their seatbelts because we're having a little turbulence.

click, then several moments of silence

click

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Nobody was using one.

SEAMAN: Except Freddie.

CAPTAIN: Her implant! It's receiving transmissions to regulate her emotions. That's it. We'll have to shut it off.

SEAMAN: Won't she go bonkers?

CAPTAIN: Freddie? No. She might have a breakdown, but those implants are just for mildly unstable people.

SEAMAN: What's she saying?

CAPTAIN: Probably not important. Shut it off.

pause, then plane stops shaking

CAPTAIN: Perfect. I'll switch off the fasten seatbelts sign.

SEAMAN: Luke, that's the win...

CAPTAIN: Don't say it. ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here are your snacks.

CAPTAIN: Thanks, Lonnie. Freddie looks like she could really use those Mentos.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You're welcome.

CAPTAIN: Would you stop leaning over in front of my panel? This is important stuff!

SEAMAN: Freddie?

CAPTAIN: Hey, watch it, Tony! You keep jostling my arm and shaking up my Sprite.

SEAMAN: Uh, Captain Genius, I think there's something wrong with Freddie.

CAPTAIN: Freddie?

hacking, evil laugh

CAPTAIN: Freddie? What are you doing with that... uh... sharp, pointy, technical-type thingy?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: EEEK! EEEK! EEEEEEEK!

SEAMAN: She's got Lonnie! Do something, Lucas! Rescue her!

CAPTAIN: Why?

SEAMAN: Because! Because... because... because it's the sort of thing a captain does.

CAPTAIN: I thought it was something a captain ordered a subordinate to do.

SEAMAN: Hey, I ain't one of your crew. I'm along for the Mentos. Where's that other flight attendant, whatsername with the weird headband who got us the catering?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: Here I am to save the day! It's MIGHTY WENDY (tm)!

SEAMAN: Yes, her.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: Unhand her!

crash

CAPTAIN: Hey, watch the control board!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: Ouuuuuuuch…

SEAMAN: She passed out.

CAPTAIN: Good. Mighty Wendy, could you, um, show Freddie out?

SEAMAN: Hey, Lucas, at least give her a parachute!

CAPTAIN: Umm... okay. Here's this seat cushion. It turns into a parachute or something.

SEAMAN: Okay.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: Go, my child! Meet your DESTINY!

bang

wild shriek echoes away

bang

SEAMAN: Shouldn't she have opened her parachute by now?

pause

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: chanting lowly In the name of the mother, the illegitimate daughter, and the holy toast, I bless thee the child of the all-mother Wendy and thereof send thee too a watery haven where there are plenty of Mentos for everyone and bestow upon thee the eternal Advil so thee may never have the Damnable Headaches of McGath and bless thee twice so thee shall never know the pains and consequences of those executives of the network of Lucifer, that which shall know no name in the heaven of Hyperion...

CAPTAIN: How do we shut her up?

SEAMAN: SHH! You're disturbing her aural interpretation.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: still chanting ...and bless thee four times so thee shall never know the plants who would partake of that most holy flesh, and bless thee five times so thee shall never find thy countenance among mermaids that liken to Charlton Heston...

CAPTAIN: She has terrible grammar...

SEAMAN: SHH!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: still chanting ...and bless thee seven times so thee shall never get thrown out of chairs on the Golden Bridge, and bless thee eight times so thy captain will never assail thee with unholy literature, and bless thee nine times so thy captain will never want for follicles of the crown chakra...

CAPTAIN: Freddie's probably already in the afterlife...

thwack

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: STILL chanting ...and bless thee twelve times so thee will always be in the presence of the holy High Priest, and bless thee thirteen times so thee will always in thy heart be of the ship and legend seaQuest DSV. Amen and Mentos.

SEAMAN: Amen and Mentos.

CAPTAIN: muttered Finally... Would it be sacrilege to open my Sprite now, o wise one? Good.

fsshht

SEAMAN: Man, Lucas, did you have to drown me?

CAPTAIN: You're the one who kept jostling my arm... Uh oh.

SEAMAN: I don't think your board's supposed to get wet... YIPE!

plane leaps forward in a sudden burst of speed

Barney's theme plays full blast over the P.A. system

oxygen panels pop open, showering passengers with frankfurters and Eat Peace buttons

plane does a barrel roll

SEAMAN: Hey, cool.

CAPTAIN: AGH!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SEAMAN: Can you do anything to stabalize us?

CAPTAIN: No! None of my controls will respond! I lost the manual!

SEAMAN: Have you tried Harry Krishna?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

CAPTAIN: We're going way fast! I can't even check our velocity!

SEAMAN: Boy, if it does this on Sprite, what would it do on Dr. Pepper?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SEAMAN: Have you tried Mentos?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

pop

plane curves up sharply in an amazing spiral

flaps open and glitter showers into the air, sparkling in the red-gold sun

the clouds break apart and from a shaft of light a heavenly chorus belts out the Mentos theme

the plane begins to descend, slowing as it nears the ground and scores a perfect three-point touchdown

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: EEEEK! thump

CAPTAIN: Passed out from oxygen starvation.

SEAMAN: Where are we?

CAPTAIN: Umm... pause Denver International Airport.

HEAVENLY CHORUS: ...Mentos, fresh and full of life!!

music fades

silence

plane coasts to gate

CAPTAIN: Well, that was fun.

SEAMAN: Aren't you supposed to tell the passengers we're here?

CAPTAIN: Oh, yeah.

click, then several moments of silence

click

CAPTAIN: See? I can fly.

SEAMAN: Sure. No problem.

muffled radio chatter

CAPTAIN: Tony...

SEAMAN: I'll fix 'em. HEY, TOWER GUYS! BREATHE THIS!!

smash

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, and we hope you had a pleasant and entertaining flight. We hope to see you again sometime soon. Remember, Mentos, the freshmaker; fresh and full of life!