|The Very Last Lemon
Author: Frozenflower PM
The DBZ gang's days of fruitless lemony romps have come to an end. See how they find this out, and their struggle against the greatest of all evils, the NC-17 ban on ff.net! (One-shot. Coauthored with Burenda.)Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Bulma & Vegeta - Words: 3,570 - Reviews: 106 - Favs: 72 - Follows: 7 - Published: 11-11-02 - Status: Complete - id: 1062131
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Burenda: It finally happened. Frozenflower and I finally wrote a story together! Be scared... be very scared... Anyway, just a point of clarification, but why is Krillen BALD in this fic? I thought he had hair at this time...
Frozenflower: My reason for Krillen being bald is ehem, lol, okay, that's too bad to say aloud. I just like him bald ^_^
Burenda: O.o.... I'm not gonna ask. But back to the matter at hand. Frozenflower did a greater amount of the actual writing - which is why we decided to post it under her account - but we did equal work in the idea department, and I was the editor - thus my status as co-author. ^_^ You'd be surprised who came up with what. *grins*
Disclaimer: Frozenflower and Burenda do not own DBZ, and they don't own each other. The only things they own are their own selves, the story idea, and some shriveled up lemon peels. Don't ask. ^_^
The forest was dark and cold. Bulma shivered, goose bumps decorating the bare skin of her arms. Why couldn't that ass do his little 'hunt' during the daytime?! A sudden rustle in the nearby bushes sent Bulma stumbling backwards... damn Vegeta, damned stupid Saiyan traditions, damned stupid.... WAH, ROCK!
Bulma tripped and landed dripping in the freezing forest pond, left to stare angrily at the moss covered rock that had been her downfall. STUPID rock. Another rustle of the bushes revealed a smirking and very...er...amourous Saiyan Prince.
"Very good woman. You needed a bath before our play," Vegeta drawled, taking a step forward. Reaching down he pulled the now breathless Bulma from the pool and prepared to make her day.
It took Vegeta a moment to realized Bulma hadn't responded to the sally. Looking curiously at the woman, he saw that she gazed with rapt awe at his *censored due to new fanfiction.net regulations*. Vegeta smirked. Well, it was only natural. Any woman would be in awe of his....wait a minute, what the hell?! His "*censored due to new fanfiction.net regulations*"?! Slowly, Vegeta turned his eyes downward. Indeed, a rectangular black box inked out a very pertinent portion of his anatomy. A very LARGE rectangular black box.
"Umm, Vegeta? What is that?" Bulma whispered hesitantly.
Vegeta shot her a panicked glare. "Shut up! Maybe it'll go away!"
"I knew it!" Bulma hunched up, covering the black boxes which had mysteriously appeared over her own upper and lower anatomy. "Vegeta! You've been cheating on me! That's some kind of...alien STD or something!"
"Actually, it's not." Piccolo floated down from where he'd been meditating, a bored expression on his face, to confront the now decent lovers. "You see, it's this new rule on fanfiction.net. No more NC-17 fics. That means that your pointless little lemon scene has been censored. Sorry folks, show's canceled!" he said with a sheepish wave to the cluster of moths that always seemed to show up when he was trying to meditate.
"It's not pointless you, big green jerk!" Bulma yelled, picking up a rock to throw at the poor messenger.
"At least I %$&@ the woman and not that brat of Kakarot's, Namek!" Vegeta shouted....wait..."Wait a $#&%ing second! I didn't say %$&@ I said %$&@! ARRRGGGHHH!"
"I do NOT %$&@ Gohan! That's DISGUSTING Vegeta!" Piccolo growled, joining the fray.
"Ooooh yes you do!" Bulma exclaimed, black boxes jiggling as she gestured vehemently. "You %$#@ Gohan more than his wife does!"
"Why you-" Here, a large black box fuzzed in over Piccolo's head, so great was the stream of filth pouring from the Namek's mouth. Vegeta lost some of his anger as the box grew more defined, filling in and darkening, finally fading only as the green man used up the breath in his lungs. Vegeta couldn't help but feel a spark of respect for the man. Anyone who required a black box to cover mere words was one hell of a speaker.
"So...what are we going to do now?" Bulma sat limply, looking a bit sad and lost. "If Vegeta and I can't *%^$ what more do we have?"
Vegeta bit his lip and repressed a sigh. The woman had a point.
"Well, now wait a minute," Piccolo growled, sitting down. "Why do you two think this is such a bad thing? Don't you know how many of those lemon fics out there were completely pointless and damaging to fragile young minds?"
Vegeta glared at the green man. "What the hell are you talking about Namek?! Every single lemon fic I've ever read was enticing and tastefully done!"
A shriek of laughter came from the forest as four nude teenagers bounded out. Bulma thought she saw a flash of something, but fluffy white clouds quickly appeared to cover the offending portions of anatomy.
"Trunks, wait Trunks! I love you!" Goten yelped, jumping and dipping so his little cloud had to work and work hard to keep up.
"Leave me alone Goten!" Trunks' cloud was almost teary at having to conceal such wonder. "After &$%^ing every girl in Satan city, I finally decided on my True Love! I'm sorry, Goten, but Bra's the one for me. Just leave me alone!"
Vegeta's eyes narrowed in disgust. "Trunks, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" The little parade came to a halt, Bra glaring at her brother, one hand innocently concealed in Goten's cloud. "Bra is your sister! What are you thinking?!"
Trunks shook his head, under the influence of some random love spell, or hypnotism, or...something. "Dad, I can't help it! Look at her! She's...HOT!"
Goten yelped and pulled his cloud back as the smirking Bra tried to remove it, "Braaaaa, don't DO that! I love Trunks!"
The fourteen year old Bra smiled mysteriously. "Oh yes, Goten. You WILL be mine."
Bulma stared at the teens, slightly dazed. "What the hell is going on here?! Goten's in love with Trunks who's in love with Bra who's in love with Goten?!" Bulma looked at the dark-haired girl who stood boredly on the edge of the proceeding. "What about you, Panny? How are you involved in this?"
Pan smirked and spoke before thinking, "Oh, I'm just here to tell Vegeta that I'm pregnant....oops."
Vegeta's jaw separated and, with an unaccustomed stutter, he protested, "What the hell does that have to do with me?!"
Tears filled the teenage Pan's eyes. "But you're the daddy!"
Vegeta, having a very natural reaction to being accused of impregnating his rival's fourteen year old granddaughter, fainted.
A crash echoed through the forest, and a raging hulk of a father figure descended on the happy little party. "Pan?! Pan, where are you?! Vegeta! How dare you do this to my daughter!" Gohan screamed at the unconscious man, throwing his coat over the nude Pan's shoulders, causing the little clouds to scoot away to find new victims.
"Oh, give it a rest, Gohan!" Bulma growled, stepping protectively in front of her husband. "If Pan's pregnant, it's probably yours! Everyone knows you chase all of those girls at the high school. Ha...and your mother was so PROUD when you became a teacher!"
Gohan's mouth gaped open, "W-what?! Bulma, how could you say that! You know I wouldn't do something like that!"
"Gohan, how wonderful that you're out of jail!" Mrs. Briefs commented idly, walking onto the scene. "I guess those charges just didn't hold up in court."
"It's not true!" Gohan wailed. "I was framed, and THIS jury'll find me innocent. I may look, but I don't touch," Gohan finished with mournful eyes.
"Yeah, my dad may have a little streak of Saiyan in him, but he's not evil. Do you think he LIKES all of those fan fics that make him into some kind of child molesting abusive jerk?" Pan asked, eyes still fixed lovingly on Vegeta.
"That's nice dear," Mrs. Briefs murmured absently. "So, Bulma sweetheart, are you and Vegeta finished &%#$ing yet? I have tea and crumpets!" she smiled, holding up the plate.
Gohan glared at the interruption and turned back to Bulma. "Just because all of those freaky fanfiction writers have me playing kink of the month, it doesn't mean that I did it! I'd never do something like that! Not even if I was kidnapped by Frieza at a young age and subjected to unspeakable torture of my own!"
"Gohan, that's disgusting!" Videl protested, walking on the scene. "Who would think of something like that?!"
A short silence ensued as all heads present turned to look accusingly out of the screen...ahem....anyway...
The silence was broken by a howl of unspeakable horror as a whirling turtle shell slammed into a nearby tree and exploded in a ticker tape parade of dirty magazines...wait a minute...
Trunks pulled a magazine from where it had landed splayed out on his head, and twisted it about, examining it from several angles. "Master Roshi...this is MEN'S underwear!"
Roshi dangled brokenly from a nearby tree limb, sobs rustling the foliage, "One minute I'm enjoying my subscriptions to magazines with half-nude and all-nude women... the next? BOXERS! Boxers with DRAGONBALLS on them! I didn't pay good money just so I could see MEN'S underwear!!"
"Wow," Goten whispered raspily, examining a picture of a buff, purple haired young man. "Umm...can I keep this?"
"Goten, don't be ridiculous," Bra chided, stuffing a picture that looked remarkably like Goten in a speedo discreetly into her cloud while no one was looking.
"Pictures," Roshi mumbled absently, fingers caressing the pages then tensing and slowly shredding them one by one as tears coursed down his crinkled old face. Glancing at Bulma's black box covered body, Roshi fell twitching to the ground... being denied the view of Bulma's obviously beautiful and NAKED body...it was just...too much for the poor old man to handle. Another fatality of the NC-17 ban. God speed Master Roshi.
"Anyway," Videl continued, giving the teenagers an odd look, and the old man a strangely pitying one, "You know how your parents have been so...er...randy lately, Gohan? Well, they finally stopped &$%#ing! I don't know what happened, but there was a loud clank and your dad came walking out...it was the weirdest thing, Gohan. There were these little poorly drawn flowers clustered right around his P****. What do you think that means?"
"Videl..." Gohan's face was grave. Videl wasn't going to like the censoring of NC-17 anymore than he did, "I've got some bad news..."
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?" An angry #18 stomped out of the forest, dragging her diminutive husband behind her. Stamping over the still prostrate Vegeta, #18 demanded, "Okay, who's responsible?!" Strategically placed bubbles covered #18's body, meshing nicely with the black leather. "Krillen here was hard at work and all of the sudden, bubbles! Bubbles on my whip, on my hand-cuffs, bubbles up the wazoo! Okay, not literally, but everything in that house is covered in bubbles! I can't even find my butt floss! I married a short man for one reason," #18 continued, "and Krillen's very good at that reason." Krillen smirked, bald head shining brightly, as if freshly oiled. "Now what I want to know is what happened to my reason!"
The crowd remained silent. No one wanted to tell #18 what had happened to her reason.
The disgruntled crowd looked up as a cheerful, if naked, Goku descended into their midst, covered only by a sketchy ring of flowers around his...err...*censored*.
As the scene stood, Bulma was outraged, Vegeta was unconscious, Pan was pregnant (perpetrator still unknown), Bra wanted Goten, Goten wanted Trunks and Trunks wanted Bra, Gohan was a suspect, Videl was annoyed, #18 was unsatisfied, Krillen was wet, Mrs. Briefs' tea was getting cold, Piccolo was amused and Roshi was dead.
"Goku, what are you doing here?" Krillen searched his bondage leathers for a napkin...damned bubbles were everywhere!
"I have a solution, guys!" Goku exclaimed happily. "As I'm sure you all know by now, NC-17 has been banned from fanfiction.net. Well, I figured a way around it."
"You mean authors should post their stories with lower ratings?" Bulma asked curiously.
"Of course not, Bulma! That wouldn't be ethical!" Gohan exclaimed worriedly.
Bulma raised one blue eyebrow and stared Gohan down. She didn't want ethics. She wanted some of Vegeta's fine @$$.
"No, no," Goku shook his head. "That's not it." From behind his back, he pulled seven small orbs. "The dragonspheres!" A funny look crossed Goku's face, and his lips moved silently as he retraced his words. "Wait a sec... why did I just call them dragonspheres?"
"Maybe the NC-17 ban has deemed that their original name evokes inappropriate images," Piccolo suggested wryly.
"Oh," Goku blinked. "Okay. Well, then I guess we'll have to call them anatomically correct dragon nether parts!"
Piccolo sweatdropped, "Just stick with the dragonspheres. It's easier to say."
"Who cares what they're called! That'll do it, Goku! You're the man!" Krillen exclaimed happily.
"Yes Goku. Please hurry up, I want my bitch back," #18 commented dryly.
"Yeah," Goku sighed with a blush, "Chi-Chi kept yelling 'power pole extend,' but the censorship..." a small sniffle escaped the mighty warrior. "I swear, that's never happened to me before."
"Ahh, don't worry buddy," Krillen exclaimed sympathetically. "It happens to the best of us."
"WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF AND JUST SUMMON THE DRAGON SO I CAN LOSE THE TACKY BLACK BOXES?!" Bulma screamed in annoyance.
Wide-eyed, Goku obeyed. He sure was glad he wasn't Vegeta. "Arise, Shenlong and grant my wishes!"
Lightning flashed and the sky darkened as a writhing form filled the horizon....was that Shenlong?
"Umm...Shenlong? Is that you?" Goku asked weakly, a large sweatdrop traveling down his head.
The eternal dragon, hidden behind an oversized pair of underwear gave an aggrieved sigh, "Yes, it is I. The censors determined that my Form was too snake-like, and you know what Freud said about snakes."
"Uh...no?" Goten piped up, looking curiously at the disembodied underwear. "What did he say?"
"Goten!" Gohan put in. "Don't tell me that you don't know that Freud thought that snakes represented the P****....wait, I can't say P****? Uh, okay. Goten, it's umm...how do I say this? Like your tail, but on the other side."
Goten shook his head, "But Gohan, I don't have a tail..."
"Oh just forget it!" Shenlong rumbled. "It doesn't matter WHAT I look like, what is your wish?"
"Move aside, you little monkey," a voice hissed from the bushes. "I have a wish to make."
In typical fashion, someone recognized the dictator and screamed out the appropriate response, "Oh no! It's Frieza!"
Frieza glared, "Yes. It's me. I may be dead, but do you think that that means these stupid rules don't affect me? HA, think again! Do you have any idea what it's like to work all of your life at perfecting an art, and then to have it wrenched away from you in a single instant?" A dreamy look came to Frieza's eyes. "I had my own torture room in hell. I had a line of victims whose *explicitly violent content deleted due to new fanfiction.net regulations*." Frieza's eyes filled with tears as he sagged. "See?" he exclaimed hoarsely. "I can't even SAY it! Hundreds of years of torture expertise gone to waste! So stay the hell out of my way, you dirty little monkeys. I don't care what you want, I'm wishing NC-17 back."
Goku sweatdropped, then shrugged. "Uh...all right Frieza. Whatever you say."
Frieza froze for a moment, not quite believing his ears--it didn't matter--whatever they were up to, he'd take advantage of it while he was able. "Dragon, I demand that NC-17 be returned to fanfiction.net! NOW!"
Shenlong sighed. If only he could, but... "I'm afraid that wish is impossible to grant," the talking underwear replied. "The one responsible for that decision resides at a far higher level than I."
Frieza's face darkened with anger and he glared back at Goku. "YOU DID THIS! YOU DIRTY LITTLE SAIYAN!"
Unfortunately for Frieza, the shriek awoke Vegeta, who after his little shock had absolutely no compunctions about ripping apart the being who had enslaved and tortured him for so many years in the past. "Muahaha, prepare to die Frieza!"
As Gohan watched, a large black box appeared over the scene, only the occasional squirt of blood and tortured scream from behind it indicating the severity of the action taking place. Not even censorship could stop that kind of drive for revenge, only cover it up.
Shenlong had said...he'd said, "The one responsible for that decision resides at a far higher level than I." Gohan's eyes narrowed. Who was at the center of all of his torment? Who was the one who hounded him to no end? Dende. It was Dende's fault he couldn't %#@# his wife, or ogle cute teenagers at the school, or be abused by Frieza...wait, okay that last one wasn't so fun, but still, it was Dende. That little green jerk always WAS jealous of the amount of attention he got from the fanfiction writers...maybe it was time to pay Dende a visit...
Up on the lookout, Dende was (for once) entirely oblivious. He didn't even KNOW about the ban yet. Poor Dende, THAT was about to change.
"Oh DENDE-sama," Mr. Popo winked seductively, sauntering up to the little green god, pina colada in one hand and a bottle of oil in the other. "It's time for your massage." Mr. Popo grinned an amorous grin that Dende had come to recognize, and Dende sighed. That genie was insatiable!
Five minutes later, Gohan burst in, full of pomp and circumstance, ready to lay into his old friend, only to find Dende and Popo wailing hysterically in the midst of the lookout. "Umm...Dende?" Gohan tried to cool down, his friend was obviously upset. "Dende? Are you okay? Mr. Popo?"
"Oh, Gohan!" Dende wailed. "It's terrible, it's gone! My P**** is gone! WAAAAAAAAHHHH! See?! I can't even mention it!"
Mr. Popo's shiny face was streaked with tears. "Mine too...mine too..." he sobbed heavily.
Gohan didn't want to know. He didn't want to know how Dende and Popo had managed to both find out that their P**** were missing at the exact same instant....in fact...."Dende? Aren't you asexual? I...I thought you were too, Mr. Popo..."
"Oh..." Dende blinked. "That's right Gohan. I wonder why we've been ^$%#ing so much lately then..."
As the scene faded to black, many questions were left unresolved. Who was the father of Pan's baby? Just exactly HOW MANY pieces did Vegeta rip Frieza into? What will happen to the incestuous Goten/Trunks/Bra triangle? How is it possible that every asexual character in Dragonb- er... DragonSPHERE Z has sex at one point or another? Will #18 ever get her bitch back? Will Goku's power pole ever extend again?
On another note, will it ever be possible to discuss serious issues in fanfiction again? Do explicit sex and violence play a part in fiction? History says yes. How big of a role should they play, and how should it be regulated to keep underaged children from reading things they are perhaps ill-equipped to deal with?
There are many opinions--if I may quote, "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one." So what to do, what to do? On fanfiction.net it has been decided, but the issue is still present on other sites. As you can tell, our own views are conflicted. If you're interested, check out these two sites for more information on what other people think.