TITLE: Trading Spaces 18/?

RATING: R (slash warning m/m)

PAIRING: HG/SS, HP/DM, HP/HG (friendship)

Chapter Eighteen: On the Back of his Head!

Draco followed Harry up to his bedchamber, his mind reeling from the events of the past half hour. He jolted at a sharp sound behind him, spinning around, but it was only Harry, leaning past him to close the door and lock it.

"I have a personal bathing chamber, if you would like to use it," Harry offered, waiting for the snide reply about trying to get Draco naked. It didn't come. Instead, Draco wearily nodded his head and walked toward the door Harry had indicated. "Let me know if you need any help, Malfoy."

Just when Harry though that Draco would ignore that comment as well, the blond turned around with a hint of his normal smirk and drawled, "You could at least call me 'Draco' while offering to shower with me."

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but wasn't sure how to respond. Draco disappeared behind the door. Harry shrugged and stepped over to his bed, feeling anxious. A smallish red volume lay on his bedspread. Curious, he picked it up. Then he frowned. "Alright, Voldemort. If you preserved your 17 year old self in here, so help me, I will lock you in a trunk with "The Blackest Magic Ever" for the rest of eternity!"

When nothing glowed or shook or started to speak to him, he felt it was safe to open the book. Scrawled elegantly on the first page were the words, "Draco Malfoy, A History". Bemused, Harry flipped another page, scanning it quickly. He looked up at the bathroom door, hearing running water. He had plenty of time for a page or two. Smiling, he stretched out on his bed and began to read.

Snarky slid across the floor, a tiny cowboy hat on his head. "And I'm the real McCoy, and I'm headed out West, sucker, cuz -"

"I wanna be a cowboy, baby . . ." Snippy curled his tail into a lasso and twirled it above his head. "With the top let back and the sunshine shinin'."

"Cowboy, baby." Snarky head nodding in beat to the song. They had just finished watching two hours of M.T.V. with Troy and Oliver and were on another candy stealing mission to Dumbledore's office.

"Hey, Ssssnarky . . . is that Haze?" Snippy nodded up ahead to where the little furry creature was sitting slumped at the bottom of Dumbledore's staircase. As they watched, he sniffed and wiped a tear away with the back of one paw.

"Haze, my man. S'up?" Snarky circled around to the other side of the badger.

Hazelheart looked up with damp eyes, and sniffed pitifully again.

"Did the Book steal your Doritos again? Do you want usss to bite him?" Snippy offered, still bobbing his head to the song they had been singing. Well, hissing.

Haze slowly shook his head. "No. I'm a bad badger."

"And the whole world has to answer right now, just to tell you once again - " Snippy slithered backwards in his best impression of a moonwalk.

"Who's bad!" Snarky finished, breaking into a raspy, "Thee, thee, thee . . ."

"Though, not in a molestation sort of way," Snippy amended.

Hazel offered them a watery smile. "No, I'm really, really bad. I think I just got Hermione in trouble with Professor Dumbledore."

"Really?" The snakes scented blood in the water. "How?"

"Well, she was hanging out with me, and I was just trying to get her to relax. And then, I thought she was fine, because she headed off to the kitchen to get a snack. And I was about to join her when," he paused to sniff again. "I heard Dumbledore yelling and then they all swept past me towards his office. I tried to follow them in, but he closed the door in my face! It hit my nose." He stopped to think for a moment. "It hurt." He started crying again.

"Dumbledore yells?" Snippy asked.

"He shut the door on you?"

"Not Dumbledore. Snape."

"Ewww . . . Ssssnape." Snarky hissed. Then, thoughtfully, "Want uss to go check it out for you? Make sure everything's ok?"

"You would do that? For me?"

Snippy and Snarky exchanged a look. A chance at first-hand scandal? Suspension of a Prefect? Expulsion? The firing of a professor? First class gossip? Snippy's eyes gleamed. "Of coursssse. For you?"

Snarky smiled, "Anything."

Draco leaned his head against the shower wall, letting the hot spray ease the soreness in his body. He let his breath out in a slow hiss, murmuring curses. Vulnerability was the last thing he had wanted to show Harry tonight, the last thing he had wanted to feel tonight. He had felt so powerful, when he was walking down the hallway, and his father had brought that feeling crashing down around his ears. Draco tipped his head back, letting the spray hit his face for a few minutes before reaching behind himself to turn the water off.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he stepped in front of the mirror and ran his fingers through his damp hair. He started to call out to Harry and ask him if he had a comb, but picturing the wild shock of black hair that had become trademark of Potter's appearance, decided that it would be pointless. Harry could not possibly own a brush of any kind. With a resigned sigh, Draco stepped out of the bathroom into the bedchamber. Harry lay across his bed, reading something. Draco stepped closer, trying to get a good look at the volume in front of Harry, but the former Gryffindor quickly shut the book and whisked it under a pillow.

Turning on his side, Harry regarded Draco with a raised brow, face propped up on one hand. "Feel better?"

"Much, actually," Draco answered, though he felt as tired as he had ever been in his young life. "What were you reading?"

"Novel," Harry answered vaguely, an odd blush tinting his face.

Draco regarded him from raised eyebrows for a moment, before shrugging off the question. He would wait until Potter was asleep to discover what volume he kept under his pillow. "So, Hero. I have a favor to ask you."

"Yes?" Harry purred in a tone more suited to his Slytherin adversary than himself.

"Don't get too excited. I just wanted to borrow something to sleep in." Draco drawled mockingly, fighting the shiver from Harry's lowered voice.

Harry sat up on the edge of the bed, wordlessly handing him a stack of clothing including a fresh uniform, set of robes, pajama pants, a robe, and on top of the pile, a pair of boxers with snakes on them.

"How did you - where did you get . . . " Draco stared down at his clothes.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Malfoy," Harry smirked. "I asked Dobby to bring them to me."

"You've stooped to a new level, Potter. Having house elves steal people's underwear." Draco took the clothes from him.

"I'm surprised you wear underwear," Harry shot back.

"Not always." Draco met Harry's eyes as he removed his towel to dress, dropping it unceremoniously on the floor. Harry tried not to blush, and while he refused to turn around, he did stare up at the ceiling. Draco's smirk was decidedly more polished and wicked than Harry's had been.

"Done with the strip show?" Harry asked once Draco was clothed once more. The blond didn't answer. Instead he stepped forward until he stood between Harry's knees next to the bed. Harry was forced to look up to meet his eyes.

Draco smirked at him. "So, Hero, which side of the bed do you want me on?"

The torches on the walls sputtered and sparked as they cast shadowy shapes on the walls. Severus numbly walked down the corridor behind Dumbledore. Hermione was at his side and she kept glancing at him, her eyes beseeching but he refused to meet her gaze. Severus was busily contemplating what he would say to Dumbledore, searching for a way to adequately explain the madness that was his relationship with Hermione. Glancing at the object of his musings, the corner of his mouth twitched. She had a very serious expression on her wide-eyed face, as if she were attempting to look completely sober. She peeked over at him, finally meeting his eyes, her lower lip beginning to tremble at the displeasure clearly displayed on his countenance. He offered her a flash of an encouraging smile, and she seemed to brace herself with it.

"Fizzing Whizbee!" Dumbledore snapped, and quickly they ascended to his office. Once inside, he gestured to two chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat."

Hermione automatically sat down, but Snape stood mulishly behind her chair, arms crossed over his chest. "I'll stand."

Dumbledore sat at his desk, peering at them without the customary twinkle in his eyes. Long moments of silence stretched out before them. It was clear that he was awaiting explanation, and none was forthcoming. Hermione fidgeted in her seat, resisting the urge to look back at Severus.

"Professor Snape, can you give me an explanation?"

Snape's lips were pressed tight together.

"I see." Dumbledore turned his gaze on Hermione. "Perhaps you would like to comment?"

"Leave her out of this," Snape said quietly. "It's not her fault."

"Obviously." Dumbledore continued to regard the two of them. "Then, Miss Granger, I think you should return to your rooms."

Hermione's lower lip started to tremble. She had never heard such a disapproving tone directed at her in her life, not even from Professor McGonagall when she had been caught at Hagrid's in her first year after curfew. "I'm s-sorry - "

"Don't. Don't apologize," Snape instructed her. "You have done nothing wrong."

"Then neither have you," Hermione insisted, stubbornly.

"I do believe I am going to have to question that statement, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said sternly, but not unkindly. Then he flicked his wand at her, and abruptly, she was back in her room. Without thinking, she ran to the door, and found herself locked in. A note appeared.

'Miss Granger,

Please do not worry. You will not be held solely responsible for your actions this evening. I understand what a great burden has been placed on your young shoulders. And do not concern yourself with the welfare of Professor Snape. Please remember that your Headmaster is neither rash nor hasty.

Albus Dumbledore'

But what did that mean? That he wouldn't fire Snape? Or that he wouldn't do it tonight? She chewed her lower lip, feeling exhausted and wound at the same time. She tried the door again. Still locked tight. Hermione sighed, before grabbing her robe and a couple of towels. She wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, and she obviously was not getting out of her room. She would take a bath, put her faith in Dumbledore, as she always had, and try to get some sleep.

Hermione shook her head. "Seducing the Potions Master shouldn't be this hard."

"Do sit down, Severus. Your glaring and standing about are rather tiresome at this late hour, and the effect is quite lost on me," Dumbledore said wearily. The old man waved his wand producing a steaming pot of coffee and clean cup. "And help yourself to a cuppa while you're at it."

Snape considered for a moment. But he actually was tired of standing, and he was perfectly capable of scowling while sitting down. Not to mention, while the adrenaline had gone far to clear his head, he was not completely sober yet, and the coffee would probably help matters. As he poured, he idly wondered if he was about to get fired.

"Yes, Severus. That is a distinct possibility."

Snape scowled, as he took his seat, purposefully lounging in the chair in an indolent manner reminiscent of his favorite student.

"Your behavior was inappropriate, and I dare say, unacceptable. For a professor to take such advantage of a young, impressionable, innocent student is . . ."

"Deliciously scandaloussss?" Snarky suggested wickedly as he and his serpent in crime slithered under the door and into the room, unbeknownst to it's auspicious occupants.

"First rate gossssip?" Snippy offered with a salacious laugh. "Uh-oh, Sssssnape's in tro-uble!"

"Yes?" Snape drawled.

"Cause for unemployment," Dumbledore finished harshly. "I had expected to see at least a little remorse, Severus. If this is not the case, then perhaps you have justification to offer for your actions?"

For a few moments, Snape stared at the Headmaster as if to say 'And who are you that I should be made to justify myself?' and Dumbledore stared back, his wise eyes full of exactly who he was to command such respect. After a moment, Snape looked away, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. Despite his natural reaction to chastisement by any authority figure, probably due to this Slytherin nature, he was remorseful, to some extent, and the Headmaster had every right to demand explanation of why he was inebriated and making out with a student in the school's kitchens.

"Miss Granger and I have been forced into a relationship beyond the bounds of just student and professor -" He began.

"I am aware of that situation, Severus." Dumbledore said patiently. "However, I was under the impression that your romantic liason was a facade designed to protect a young girl from Death Eaters."

"And it is," Severus insisted.

"All evidence to the contrary." Dumbledore turned disappointed eyes on the Potions Master. "I must admit, I am completely stunned. I have no illusions about my own infallibility, but I never thought I could have so thoroughly misjudged someone."

"I have never given you reason to doubt my loyalty or regret offering me this position, when no one else would." Snape said quietly, fully aware of the risk Dumbledore had taken in admitting a former Death Eater to his staff and the sanctuary of Hogwart's.

"The abuse of power comes in many ways, Severus. Using the authority of a professor to influence the decisions of a student, particularly in this manner, is just such an abuse."

"I never abused that power!" Snape's voice rose now. "Perhaps the circumstances Hermione and I have found ourselves in have clouded my better judgement from time to time, but I did not purposefully try to seduce her! I never tried to use my influence to convince her to . . . to . . ."

"To what?" Snippy perked up. "C'mon, give up the details you slimy git!"

"Yes, perhaps I should inquire to the extent of this relationship, before this conversation goes any further," Dumbledore said carefully.

"The extent of . . ." Snape stared at the older wizard. "What, you want locker room details?"

"I am simply asking if any - irreparable harm has been done to Miss Granger," he clarified tactfully.

Snape stared at the floor for a few moments, his mind full of images of the "hunt" at the Death Eater's Ball, and Hermione's tear stained face. Finally, his voice sounded softly. "Yes, I'm afraid there has."

Dumbledore, for the first time in Snippy and Snarky's memory looked completely taken aback. "I see."

"No, you don't see, old man." Snape replied, harshly.

"Woah, pulling out the age insults!" Snarky exclaimed to his companion.

"No good can come of this," Snippy agreed, gravely.

"You sit up there in your throne like chair, overseeing the whole school, making your cryptic comments, and smiling like everything is under control. Your control," Snape continued, his voice a furious hiss. "But you are blind! You don't see the Death Eater's meetings. You don't see the pain meted out by that power junkie of a snake!"

"Who? Us?" Snarky asked.

"No - Tom! Now, hush, this is getting good!" Snippy admonished.

"You didn't see how brave and grown up she was when faced with Lucius and his flock of cowering, lecherous cronies!" Snape continued, ignoring the 'thee, thee, thee . . .' sound behind him. "You have no idea what she's capable of. You have no idea what she's gone through since coming to this school! You can't imagine the fear that eats at you as you wonder which person you love is next. But I do. And if there is some measure of comfort, some measure of strength, I can lend her, in whatever form she needs it, I will do so!

"There are things that you can't control - and I'm one of them. And you can't fire me." Snape stood up, glaring at Headmaster. "You and your precious order need me too much, and if you fired me it would be my the end of my usefulness. To both sides. And it would mean my death. And then Hermione's. And I know you, Albus. You couldn't do that."

Dumbledore regarded him from calm eyes, inclining his head slightly in acknowledgment.

"So, maybe you should remember just who you're talking to, and what I am capable of." For a second, Severus looked every inch the dark wizard, as he stood and headed towards the door. Opening it, he turned back. "And don't waste my time with idle threats."

Harry stared at Draco, his mouth suddenly gone dry. "I - uh, well, I -"

"Articulate as ever, Potter," Draco sneered at him, though the malice formerly present in his insults was absent. The blonde leaned over Harry, flattening a hand across his chest, pushing the green-eyed boy down against the mattress, and in a graceful, fluid moment, straddled his hips. His mouth a breath from Harry's, he whispered, "Right then. I prefer the inside."

Harry fought the impulse to lean up and complete that kiss. He was about to give in, when another lithe movement had Draco stretched out beside him, next to the wall. Harry felt briefly bereft at the removal of the former Slytherin's body heat.

"So," Harry said hesitantly, "do you want to talk?"

Draco's steely eyes smouldered as he propped his head on his hand to regard Harry. "No, Hero. I most definitely do NOT want to 'talk.'"

"Draco - "

"Shut up, Hero." Draco's mouth descended on Harry's, sweeping across his lips with a searing caress. It was an invasion, and Harry surrendered fully, opening his mouth under Draco's insistent kiss, moaning low in his throat. Malfoy's hands encircled Harry's wrists, pinning them above his head while he thoroughly explored his mouth, allowing one thigh to slide between Harry's muscled legs. Draco felt in control once more, though the hunger in the young man underneath him was calling to his wilder instincts. As Draco pulled back, to nibble along Harry's neck, the dark-haired boy whispered in parseltongue, "Draco, pleasssse . . ."

"Yesssss, Harry?" He hissed back, licking at a blue vein.

"Don't stop." His eyes were closed, his body arching towards Draco, who pulled back to give him a wolfish grin.

"Never."

"Ssssso - did anyone else think he was going to turn around, stick his tongue out and

say 'So there!'?" Snippy asked, wide-eyed.

Snarky held his tail up. "Who wants to bet it would be forked?"

"Who'd want to get close enough to check?" Snippy replied with a little shudder.

Snarky shook his head. "Evidently, Hiney would."

"Snippy, Snarky!" Dumbledore had spotted them standing to the side of the door.

"Oi! We've been spotted!" Snarky hissed.

"Yo! S'up, Candy-man?" Snippy called.

Dumbledore frowned. He was certain that the snakes had heard him and responded, however, while he was many things, he was not a parselmouth. And he was suddenly very interested in having a conversation with the candy-thieving spies. He tossed them two chocolate frogs, which they immediately devoured. "If you would please find Mr. Pot- " The headmaster paused, thinking for a moment.

"Did he say 'Mr. Pot'?" Snippy asked, mouth slightly full. "What is that? Mr. Potato Head's best friend, the druggie?"

Snarky swallowed and snickered, "In which case, I guess we're headed to Hufflepuff, huh?"

"On second though, please find Mr. Malfoy - "

"Oh, no - we're not going anywhere near Luci-yuck! He's already hit on us once tonight. We almost didn't escape." Snarky shuddered.

"Yeah, it's not like he takes 'no' for an answer," Snippy added, earnestly.

Dumbledore stared at them blankly. He did not understand any of their hissing, but their reluctance was palpable. A thought occurred to him. "The junior Malfoy, that is."

"Ohhhh! The ssssex-god? Sure, no problemo!" Snippy called. "Be back in a jiff." They waved their tales in goodbye, and headed for the door.

Rune paced back and forth outside the dungeons. She had been trying to be evil under Sheldon's tutelage for awhile now, and it didn't seem to be having the desired effect. She thought back to Severus's face when she had assisted in wrecking his potions classroom, and felt quite ashamed. Her decision was made. She would apologize to the professor tonight, and hope he understood. Her heart fluttered with anxiety, and she decided to practice her little speech. "Professor Snape, I am terrible sorry. I was trying to be evil so that you would see - "

She broke off. See what? That she was like him? That she liked him? She shook her raven head and tried again. "Professor Snape - "

"What?"

She turned to see that Professor standing in front of her, a furious expression on his face. However, this was nothing unusual, so she decided to plunge ahead. She took a deep breath. "I just wanted you to know, that I have been hanging around with Sheldon to -"

"Annoy me? That has already come to my attention, you silly bird," he bit off.

"No, I just wanted you to - "

"To what?" He demanded, impatiently, anxious to get back to his room and brood in peace.

"To see that I could be like you, to see - " She sniffed, her eyes filling with tears.

"I don't have time for this now." And with that, he turned his back to her and headed to his room.

Rune did something she hadn't done since Salazar Slytherin was at Hogwarts. She hung her head and cried.

"While I am quite sure of "what" Malfoy is doing at this late hour, I have no idea where he is doing it." Griff-Gruff stared imperiously down at the two snakes. "So why don't the two of you go running amuck through some other part of the castle?"

"Hello - we're snakes. We slither," Snarky corrected him, snobbily. "We do not run."

"Not that we have any intention of staying here," Snippy sniffed. "If we wanted to be around a bossy fluff-ball with a wand stuck in an uncomfortable place, we'd hang out with Hiney."

Griff-Gruff glared at them. "Leave."

"Alright, alright, sheesh," Snarky grumbled. He and Snippy quickly slid towards the door.

As they left, they couldn't resist calling out a litany of, "Amuck, amuck, amuck, amuck! Thee, thee, thee . . ."

They headed for the dungeons, but upon entering the Serpent's Den, they were faced with a sleeping Lucius on the couch.

"Holy Freakin' Merlin!" Snarky jumped a foot in the air as he ducked into the Slytherin Common Room.

"Goddammit, Luci-yuck! That was my favorite couch. Now we'll have to throw it out." Snippy crouched behind Snarky, staring at the lecherous blonde. "Or donate it to the Hufflepuffs."

"Shhhhh . . . you don't want the man-whore to wake up, do you?" Snarky chastised, indicating that they should sneak around the couch. Quickly they reached the prefect's floor and prepared to duck under Harry's door to see if he knew where Draco was, when noises started emanating from the door.

"Ohhhh . . . mmmm . . .Draco . . ."

"Harry . . . yesssss . . . right there . . . yessssss . . ."

"Cripes!" Snippy reared back from the door he was about to slither under. "Did you hear what I heard?"

"Blech! I certainly did." Snarky stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Sounds like Smutty and Slutty decided to pay us a little visit."

"No, way. Those two are still in lock up. Besides, those are human voices." Snippy's eyes widened as he put two an two together. "Should we be grossed out or flattered that they're doing that in parseltongue?"

"Ssssex god strikessss again . . . thee, thee, thee . . ." Snippy's mouth twisted. "But, we still have to go in there."

"Well, alright, but I'm not touching anything." Snarky sniffed. "And you're going first."

Carefully Snippy slipped under the door, covering his eyes with his tail. "Oi! Harry! Draco! Cover up, we're coming in!"

There was a few exclamation of surprise, some flustered movement and a soft thud, as Draco fell back on the bed. Spotting the two serpents, both with their eyes still covered, he snarled, "What in the bloody hell do you two want? We're busy."

"Not what you're giving out," Snarky replied. "Are you clothed yet?"

"Yes," Harry bit out, sounding a bit frustrated himself.

Cautiously, Snippy uncovered his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. They weren't naked after all. Harry was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling while he tried to catch his breath, and Draco lay on his side, next to him, glaring daggers at the snakes. Their clothes, while well rumpled, and now buttoned improperly, were covering all the important bits and pieces. "It's safe, you can look now, Snarky."

"Harry, Harry, Harry . . ." Snarky sighed. "Well, that didn't take long did it?"

Draco looked affronted. "It was going to take a lot longer if you two hadn't interrupted."

Harry met his eyes, a sly smile on his face. "Really?"

"A lot longer," Draco promised, huskily.

"Ewwww . . ." Snarky shook his head.

"Stop that!" Snippy demanded. "We're evil, and spies. NOT voyeurs!" He pondered that for a moment. "Contrary to popular opinion."

"Hey, speaking of sicko perverts - did you know Luci-yuck snuck into your common room?" Snarky asked, eyes wide.

"Yeah, he's downstairs waiting for the first-year girls to come down," Snippy asserted.

"Is that what you two came to tell us?" Draco asked, scooting closer to Harry, so he could look down at the two snakes. Harry shivered as they came into contact and Draco smirked at him.

"No. Dumbledore wants you," Snippy replied, huffily.

Harry stood up quickly. "Why? What's wrong?"

"No, not you, Harry," Snarky said. "He wants Draco."

"Oh."

"Don't look so crestfallen, Hero. I'm sure your chance to save the world again is coming soon." Draco rolled his head, working out kinks in his neck as he stood.

"You're a right prat, you know that, Malfoy?" Harry snapped.

"You don't seem to mind." Draco purred, stepping closer, and pulling Harry to him by the collar. "I'd go so far as to say you kinda like it."

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but Draco was faster, closing in on him with a breath-taking kiss. Harry couldn't help but respond.

"Ewwww! Stop that!" Snarky shouted, covering Snippy's eyes with his tail. "There are impressionable minds about!"

"Yeah? Where?" Draco replied, stepping away from the flustered Harry.

"Somewhere around here . . ." Snippy glanced around the room as if searching for such people.

Harry looked worriedly at Draco. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"That's ok, Hero. I'm not afraid of the dark." Draco smirked, and headed through the door, the snakes trailing after him.

Harry sat back on the bed, feeling quite flushed. His mind flashed with images. Draco moving on top of him, his taste, his scent, his hands sliding over Harry's skin . . . Harry shook himself from his reverie. Looking back at the bed, he saw the corner of the journal he was reading earlier. He grinned. He was too wound to sleep, he might as well get some more reading done.

"We're baa-aack!" Snippy announced with a snicker.

"Did ya' miss usss, candy-man?" Snarky hopped up on Dumbledore's desk with his serpent companion, diving into the candy bowl with glee.

Draco remained in the doorway, hesitating slightly. "You asked to see me . . . sir?"

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy, please come in, sit down." The headmaster invited, eyes twinkling once more. "I'd offer you some candy, but - "

"It happens to be coated in snake drool?" Draco suggested, eyeing the two mascots who were currently swimming through the bowl, tossing aside wrappers and chomping down treats with gusto.

Snippy looked up, half a cockroach cluster in his mouth. "If I had hands, I'd be flipping you off right now, Malfoy."

"Yeah - like after the show we interrupted, you have any room to judge," Snarky added.

"Perhaps a cup of cocoa?" Dumbledore suggested. Draco shook his head, still glaring at the snakes. "No? Well then, I have called you up here to confirm a suspicion I have."

"Sir?"

"If I am not mistaken, young Malfoy, you now understand parseltongue. Is that correct?"

"How did - that is, I . . . " Draco regarded the older man with suspicion. "It has been a recent development."

"One of many, as I understand." Dumbledore's remarks were accompanied by a loud bout of snake laughter.

"If he only knew," Snippy sniggered.

"If we only didn't," Snarky added.

Draco remained silent, regarding his headmaster with a carefully guarded expression.

"Do not worry, I don't wish to question you about those developments tonight. A rather delicate situation has come to my attention regarding a prefect and a certain Potions Master. I believe that Snippy and Snarky have information about that situation, but as I, alas, cannot speak parseltongue . . ."

"I see, sir. You wish me to translate then?"

"Yes. If you would, please," Dumbledore confirmed.

"Forgive my impertinence, sir, but why not ask Ha - Potter, as he is the resident parselmouth here?"

"As I previously stated, I also wished to confirm my suspicion of your own abilities," He replied easily. Turning to the snakes, he asked, "Snippy, Snarky, if I could have your attention, momentarily?"

They looked up expectantly. Snippy wiped a bit of chocolate off one shiny fang. "S'up?"

"Have you observed any unusual behavior from Professor Snape lately?" He asked, politely.

"Hmmm, let me think," Snippy considered, tapping his chin with the end of his tail. "Sneering, scowling, swooping about like a greasy bat-like fellow - no. Nothing out of the ordinary."

Draco's lips twitched as he felt Dumbledore's gaze turn to him. "No."

"Unless you count the inordinate amount of time he spends in Hiney's bedroom," Snarky added, innocently.

Draco barely resisted a snort, as he guessed they meant Hermione. "In who's bedroom?"

"Hi - ney's," Snarky repeated slowly. "You know, brown-haired, bossy, know-it-all, used to be a Gryffindor . . ."

"Slightly resembles Medusa, 'She-without-good-snacks-who-carries-heavy-books'," Snippy continued. "She has the bedroom where flowers come to die."

At Draco's confused look, Snarky crowed, "Hey! How about that! We found a bedroom Draco hasn't been invited into yet!"

"Draco . . ." the Headmaster prompted.

"They said he's been visiting Hermione frequently," Draco said, carefully.

Dumbledore turned back to the snakes, his expression more serious. "And have you witnessed any untoward behavior during these visits?"

"Untoward?" Snippy furrowed his brow.

"I think he wants to know if we saw them fu- " Snarky was cut off, as Snippy put his tail over his mouth.

"The boss man's office is PG rated, remember?" Snippy warned.

"Um, y'know. Doing the -" Snarky paused to sway his head from side to side. "Wild thing."

"Oh ick." Snippy stuck his tongue out. "No, they wouldn't even kiss in front of us. Not that we really wanted to see that."

"Why don't you ask your dad, Draco - he used to spy on people when they were fu - er, shagging." Snarky looked fairly disgusted. "Dang prevert."

Draco looked back up at the headmaster. "No."

"Don't get us wrong, we think they're shagging like bunnies, we just haven't seen it." Snippy snickered.

"Kinda like you and Harry, Draco."

"I haven't actually slept with Harry," Draco gritted out. "No thanks to you two."

"Awfully sure of yourself, aren't you?" Snippy teased.

"Are you quite alright, Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore inquired, kindly.

"Yes, sir. Just a little frustrated." Draco smiled tightly.

"One last question." Dumbledore assured him, turning back to the mascots. "Do you think that Professor Snape has 'compromised' Ms. Granger?"

"Duh," Snarky said, shaking his head from side to side. "Didn't Snape all but say that before he 'bwa-ha-ha'ed' his way out of here?"

"Well, not exactly. Leave it to Stinky to be cryptically vague about the juicy sex story," Snippy replied. "Hey, just where is all this questioning going, huh? You're not still thinking about firing Professor Snape are you?"

Draco quickly translated. "They want to know if you're going to fire Professor Snape?"

"I haven't decided." Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm sorry to have to bring you into this mess, Mr. Malfoy, but I felt that Severus would be more comfortable with you knowing the circumstances than with Mr. Potter."

"What are you going to do?" Draco asked, feeling slightly panicked at the prospect of Snape's dismissal.

"I'm not sure," he restated, noting Draco's concern. "I am severely disappointed by his lack of judgement."

"Oh, like you're one to talk." Snarky rolled his eyes. "Would you care to discuss your judgement for a moment?"

"Yeah, can we just say - You hired Quirrel!" Snippy's eyes widened. "And he had 'He-who-shall-not-be-made-fun-of-even-by-snakes' on the back of his head." Snippy paused, staring at Dumbledore for a moment, before turning around and pointing at the back of his own skull. "ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!"

"Yeah, we tried to tell you for a whole semester! What did you think we were doing, hanging out in front of him at dinner, pointing at that ugly-ass turban!" Snarky added. "Well, we were also talking to Tom. Conversation didn't go well."

"Can't blame him for being cranky when he had to live on the back of some dude's head," Snippy pointed out. "Though we were being nice. We were all like 'S'up, Tom! Long time, no see, buddy! So, you're like, hanging out on that guy's head. Good for you! Valid life-style choice.' We didn't even judge him!"

"But could he even be polite? Noooo - he had to be all like, 'Shut up, Snakes! You'll give me away!' Uh, Dude, we were trying," Snarky pointed out. "Not like anyone else could hear us anyway. Or like he wasn't wicked conspicuous with the evil head-wear."

"Not that you noticed." Snippy turned back to Dumbledore. "No, you were all like, 'Welcome back with your evil hat! I just wanted to introduce you to Harry Potter. Have at him.' At least Death Breath figured out something was going on with Professor Stutters-in-a-deceptively-innocent-way."

Draco covered his mouth, to hide the smirk that was forming. "They wanted you to know that they tried to warn you about Professor Quirrel."

"ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!" They both shouted again, exasperated.

"Leave the greasy git alone. As long as he ain't wearing large ugly hats, we're not worried," Snippy continued.

"They don't think you should worry about Snape." The snakes hissed at him expectantly, until Draco added, "As long as he isn't wearing hats."

Dumbledore grinned. "I see."

Draco stood up. "If you haven't any more questions, I would like to return to bed, sir."

"Yes, it is getting rather late. You should return to the dormitories." Dumbledore yawned. He waited until Draco had opened to door to call out, "That is, your own dormitories. Alone, Mr. Malfoy."

Draco didn't even blink. "Of course, sir."

He shut the door behind him, and headed for the dungeons, trade-mark smirk in place. "Alone, indeed."