Disclaimer: Weiss Kreuz is property of Koyasu Takehito/Project Weiss.

A/N: The song, “Always”, was performed by Saliva. This is most likely OOC, at least for KenKen.

Warnings: Shounen-ai/Yaoi. Do not read if this offends!! Some spoilers. Rated for mild cursing and slight citrus flavor.

** denotes lyrics, “ denotes dialogue, ‘ (and italics) denotes thoughts

~*Always*~

**I hear a voice say, “Don’t be so blind.”
It’s telling me all these things that you would probably hide.

Am I your one and only desire?
Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry?**

“He can never love you like I do.”

Turning away from the bouquet of roses he was arranging, Ken cast chocolate eyes in the direction of his blond-haired teammate.

The older boy was leaning nonchalantly against the counter a few feet away, arms crossed over his chest, ever-present sunglasses resting low on the bridge of his nose. His lips were smirking arrogantly, but the expression in his jade orbs was serious.

The rainy morning had found them alone in the shoppe, the usual plethora of female admirers absent while school was in session. He was fully aware that the other man had not stumbled into his own apartment until the early morning hours, but Yohji seemed oddly awake and alert, instead of boggled down by a haze of alcohol, as was usually the case after a weekend of heavy partying.

Instead of immediately responding to the older boy’s softly spoken comment, Ken dropped his eyes to a small pile of baby’s breath and reached for it slowly.

“Don’t be so blind, KenKen,” the blond continued when the brown-eyed assassin remained silent. “He’s using you.”

Abandoning the act of tucking sprigs of the delicate white flower into the vase, Ken moved towards the glass windows, staring sightlessly ahead as droplets of water pattered relentlessly against the awning, splashing onto the concrete in an unleashed fury of wind and rain. It was both brutal and cleansing, a powerful force that pounded down from the skies, pelting at the Earth, washing away the dirt and grime, removing the impurities, leaving everything fresh and new. But that thought was merely an illusion. The rain itself was dirty, being gathered from this filthy planet before its eventual release from dark gray clouds. The cycle was endless.

It reminded him of the act of bathing after a kill. No matter how hot the water, no matter how much streamed over his body, the blood was always there. The scent lingered, lived under his fingernails, resided in his skin. He could never be rid of it. Nor could he rid himself of the gut-wrenching nausea that came with it. One would think that after all these years, he would be immune, that he would be able to cast it aside with a shrug of his shoulders. It was so ironic. Nearly every night he struggled to dispose of the ravenous beasts who would pray on the weak. He was a protector of the innocent, a defender of justice. But who would shield him? Who would protect his soul? How could he rescue the world while he himself was drowning?

He should have never gotten involved. Things would be so much easier if he had just ignored his feelings, had maintained his distance. But how did one resist something so beautiful? Was it possible to withstand a pull that strong?

The first time it had happened had been a night like any other. A long, complicated mission had left them all exhausted and worn, collapsing in their respective beds for a few hours of much needed sleep. But rest had not come for him that night. An angel had come instead. It came still dressed fully in assassin gear, hands still stained with blood, crimson hair falling over amethyst eyes, skin pale white in the moonlight. It had come and taken him. And he had allowed it. He had enjoyed it. Even now, he continued to do so, night after endless night.

An angel…or was it the devil?

It seemed like the latter. Wasn’t it said that Satan had been the most beautiful angel?

How could something that gave so much pleasure also bring immeasurable amounts of pain? It hurt. Physically, mentally, his pain had become a living, breathing thing. Because no matter how many hours he spent wrapped in the arms of his lover, his tormentor, he could still not reach inside. He could not touch the soul beneath the ice. He could not melt it with the heat of his desire, he could not shatter it with the pressure of his fingertips. It remained thick, cold, and strong. It remained as an impenetrable barrier between them.

While he slowly became enraptured, the angel remained aloof. While he slowly fell deeper and deeper into an uncontrollable love, the angel remained untouched, unmoved. What was he truly to his lover? Was he nothing more than a vessel? Did he have the power to leave his tormentor in a state of constant emotional turmoil, as he himself lived in day in and day out? He thought not or, rather, he knew this was not the case. Could never be. His lover would never fit the definition in the truest meaning of the word.

“Are you listening to me, KenKen? I said he is using you!”

Ken allowed himself to be wrenched around by strong fingers. Yohji’s elegant features were twisted somewhere between anger and pain. The glasses had been removed and tossed aside, leaving only a clear view of tortured green eyes.

“Is he truly using me if I enjoy it?” he heard himself ask dully.

The older boy flinched slightly, releasing him as if he had been scalded.

“He will never love you as much as I do,” Yohji murmured, turning away from him slowly. “Never forget that.”

Long strides took the taller man towards the back of the shoppe.

“Where are you going?” Ken asked almost unconsciously.

The blond paused mid-step, stiffening. “I need a cigarette. I’ll be back in a while.”

As rapid footsteps faded, Ken slumped dejectedly against the glass, leaning his head back and shutting his eyes tightly. ‘Yohji…you have no idea…I wish I could return your love…I wish with all my might that I could love you back…’

**Always, always, always, always, always, always
I just can’t live without you

I love you, I hate you, I can’t get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can’t live without you
I just can’t take any more, this life of solitude
I guess that I’m out the door, and now I’m done with you**

Arching against the straining body above him, Ken released a shuddery breath, wrapping long arms around that muscled torso, pulling his lover closer. It was always this way. Aya reduced him to a mass of quivering nerves, mindless to everything but the pleasure that coursed through his body at even the slightest touch. In these moments, he could deny the older boy nothing. It was like a sensual game with Aya continually remaining the victor. He always maintained the upper hand, never giving more than his body and he held back even in that.

It was sex. Brutal, carnal, delicious, meaningless. Nothing less, nothing more, at least not to Aya. The redhead remained virtually unaffected. Even his passion was mostly silent, broken only by the occasional low groan. How could he hold himself back at all times, in the most intense moments, even as Ken had to muffle his own screams to prevent the others from hearing?

‘I love you.’ The words ran through Ken’s head like a mantra, over and over, dying to be spoken. He longed to give them voice, but what would happen? If he let his feelings show, would the redhead completely abandon him? Would he stop his nightly visits? Would he deny Ken the precious few moments he was allotted throughout the day?

After knowing the fire that was Aya’s touch, to be denied it would be torture. The older boy was the ice that made him burn. The only light in his world. It would be pure anguish to relinquish the only thing that made his life worth living. So, he would remain silent, only speaking the words in his mind. He would hug that body to him and bite his tongue.

**I feel like you don’t want me around
I guess I’ll pack all my things, I guess I’ll see you around
It’s all been bottled up until now
As I walk out your door, all I can hear is the sound**

“Aya?”

“What do you want?”

Stepping further into the redhead’s darkened room, Ken prevented himself from flinching at that icy tone and tightened his grip on the first aid kit he was carrying. “Are…Are you okay?”

“Fine,” came the terse reply.

“Would you like me to bandage your wounds? You were bleeding pretty heavily…”

“No.”

Ken swallowed thickly, but forced himself to plow ahead. “But---“

“No.”

“Well, if you won’t let me help you, let one of the others do it then. You can’t clean the wounds on your back by yourself, just---“

“I don’t need anyone’s help!” the redhead interrupted, standing suddenly. He moved rapidly towards Ken and the brunet found himself taking a step back unconsciously, but the taller boy merely brushed past him and pulled open the door, gesturing into the dimly lit hallway. “Especially yours,” he finished in a vicious hiss. “Get out.”

“Let me help you, then I’ll go.”

“Just leave.”

“Aya, why won’t you—“ The question broke off abruptly as his wrist was seized and he was thrust out into the hallway with barely suppressed violence. The kit fell from limp fingers and clattered noisily across the floor as the redhead slammed the door shut in his face, the firm click of the lock being turned echoing in the tense silence.

Turning away from the strewn contents of the kit, Ken exited the apartment quickly, waiting until he was in the more brightly lit hallway between their apartments before leaning against the wall and squeezing his lids shut tightly, willing away the almost instantaneous tears that sprang into his eyes. ‘Son of a bitch.’

**Always, always, always, always, always, always
I just can’t live without you

I love you, I hate you, I can’t get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can’t live without you
I just can’t take any more, this life of solitude
I guess that I’m out the door, and now I’m done with you**

Ken whimpered softly into the pillows beneath him, reaching tanned fingers back to press against the rippling muscles of his lover’s abdomen. A thin sheen of perspiration covered both their bodies, soaking into the white linen sheets as they writhed together. It seemed to last for an eternity, but it was somehow not quite long enough as Aya collapsed on top of him limply, weight pressing him into the softness of the mattress. The weight was both a burden and a comfort, allowing him to be as close as possible to the redhead while smothering him at the same time. He made no complaints, lifting a hand to the crimson hair brushing softly against his cheek. “Aya…”

Before his breathing had even returned to some semblance of normality, the redhead pulled away, gathering his clothing as Ken watched him with pained chocolate eyes.

“Stay.”

Aya froze in the act of shrugging on his shirt, jaw clenching.

“Please stay.”

Shutting his eyes briefly, the redhead ignored the plea, exiting the room as silently as he had entered it, ignoring the muffled sob that rang out behind him.

Ken buried his face in one of the numerous pillows that littered his mattress, crying weakly, but its softness offered no solace. Aya’s intoxicating scent remained.

“I can’t,” he whispered achingly. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s finished.”

**I love you, I hate you, I can’t live without you
I wrap my head around your heart
Why would you tear my world apart?**

He had contemplated leaving the group once before, fleeing to Australia and never sparing a glance for what remained behind. Things would have been so different. Perhaps his life would be better, perhaps he would have been able to find an inkling of happiness in all the cruelty of this world. Perhaps…

But standing there, one hand on the door, one wrapped tightly around the handle of his suitcase, he found that he couldn’t bring himself to turn the knob. When all was said and done, he could not willingly take the steps necessary to free himself from the redhead’s emotional hold. ‘What is it about you, Aya? Why can’t I walk away? Why can’t I leave you behind?’

**Always, always, always, always
I see the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel more like a man?
Was it all just a part of your plan?**

It was over. Reiji Takatori was dead at Aya’s hand. His revenge was complete.

‘Are you satisfied, Aya? Can you rest easier now? I thought his death would bring me some peace. I thought that maybe it would change you, but you are still the same. You remain so far away. Do you notice me? Do you realize that you are wounding me more deeply with your indifference than you ever could with your sword? I have faded. I am nothing but an empty shell. My heart has died. Only dust remains.’

**The pistol’s shaking in my hands,
And all I hear is the sound**

Aya Fujimiya. His sister. It had all been for her. All of it.

Ken had not even warranted the consideration of being told his lover’s actual birth name. He had to learn it along with the others. Aya would never have even mentioned it had it not been for that girl, Sakura.

That bitch, Sakura Tomoe, confessing her love as if she had any idea. ‘You have no idea, you foolish girl, of what it means to love someone the way that I love him. He said he would tell you everything. He has never given any of himself to me. In one moment, you got more from him than I have in all these months of being his lover. I stood there and smiled while inside I was reeling. I let you wear my shirt at Yohji’s insistence when I would have really loved to just wrap my fingers around your throat and choke the life out of you. But, even if I had, it would change nothing. He would still be Aya, or Ran, rather. He would remain the same and I would still be me. Stupid Ken, reckless Ken, clumsy Ken…never good enough…never worthy of his attention…’  

His hands were trembling. His fingers were ice cold, but the handle of the nine-millimeter felt as if it were on fire. It burned into his skin, scarring his soul. His teeth were clenched around the barrel, the acrid taste of gun powder and metal filtering throughout his mouth. It would be so easy. Pull the trigger, end it all. No more pain, no more suffering, no more death. Never again would he smell blood, would he feel the liquid on his hands. So easy…but why couldn’t he bring himself to pull the trigger? Why were tears streaming down his cheeks? They felt like molten lava, scalding their way over his skin.

Shutting his eyes tightly, he applied a slight pressure to the trigger, listening to the sound of metal grinding against metal inside the weapon. But before it was fully depressed, he released it, uttering a choking sob as he tossed the gun away from him with an angry flick of his wrist. He forced his lids open, watching it hit the floor with a dull thud. More tears rose to his eyes, making the chocolate orbs glitter like some sort of exotic jewel.

‘Aya…Ran…you’ve broken me…’

**I love you, I hate you, I can’t get around you
I breathe you, I taste you, I can’t live without you
I just can’t take any more, this life of solitude
I guess that I’m out the door, and now I’m done with you**

“Yohji…?”

Heavy lids lifted slowly, revealing sleep-clouded jade green eyes. The sight that welcomed him caused the blond to spring upright in bed, alarmed. “KenKen?”

The brunet was standing beside his mattress, face flushed, lovely brown eyes bloodshot. He was trembling almost violently, lower lip quivering.

“What’s wrong?” Yohji asked softly, reaching for the shaking boy. “What happened?”

Ken shook his head jerkily, burying his face against the skin of the older boy’s neck. “Make it stop…”

Yohji wrapped long arms around the brunet’s narrow waist and drew him close. “Make what stop, KenKen?”

“The screaming.”

The blond’s hold tightened at that agonized whisper. “Screaming?”

“In my dreams…all the people that I have killed…they are screaming at me…I can’t get away from it…I even hear it when I’m awake…”

“Ken…”

“He’s the only one that can stop it…but he won’t hold me like this…he won’t love me…he is tearing me apart…”

“Ken,” Yohji murmured slowly, reaching up elegant fingers to brush chocolate brown locks from golden skin. “Ken…I won’t be a substitute…you can’t have it both ways…”

“Yohji…hold me…please…just for tonight…”

“Ken…”

“I need you.”

The blond squeezed his eyes closed, clenching his teeth. “Shit!”

Ken was stroking the muscles of his back, pressing himself closer and closer. It felt as if the brunet wanted to melt into him. How could he resist what he had craved for so long, what he had loved for so long? It was wrong, but…

With a muffled curse, Yohji jerked the boy’s head back, slanting his mouth over those luscious lips and taking them in a nearly brutal kiss. Ken tasted like tears and chocolate, peaches and candy, everything that was good in the world. The flavor was addictive. The blond felt himself getting lost in it as the younger boy whimpered into his mouth, tongue sliding over his erotically.

Yohji lowered the boy to the mattress, never breaking the contact of their lips, sucking greedily, slender fingers working their way under Ken’s loose pajama shirt. Ken’s body was all firm muscle, toned from years of playing soccer, golden brown and beautiful.

Breaking the kiss, Yohji pressed parted lips against the tanned skin of Ken’s throat, suckling gently as his fingers drifted to the waistline of the brunet’s pants. They had nearly reached the object of his desire, the object of his fantasies for months on end, when Ken started to struggle violently, pushing at his chest with the palms of his hands.

“Stop!”

Yohji released him immediately, breathing roughly, eyes wide.

Ken’s lids were shut, tears trickling from the corners as he breathed shakily. “I’m sorry…I can’t…I thought that I could, but…can’t you just hold me?”

Yohji shook his head, rage warring with the pain and disbelief on his features. “Don’t ask me that, Ken.”

“But—“

“Please don’t ask me that.”

Biting back a sob, Ken nodded jerkily. “I…I understand…I’m sorry…”

He sat up slowly, avoiding glancing at his blond teammate. “Truly, Yohji, I…I’m sorry.”

Making his way back to his own apartment, Ken trudged to his bedroom, slumping down onto the cool sheets that stretched over his mattress. ‘Yohji…how I wish I could love you…I wish I could forget him…Ran…’

Closing his eyes tightly, Ken struggled to push thoughts of the redhead away, to lock them away some place where the memories could not hurt, where the remembrance of touches could not burn. The images never faded, though. They were firmly engraved in his mind. They were inescapable.

‘…I hate you…’

**I love you, I hate you, I can’t live without you
I love you, I hate you, I can’t live without you
I just can’t take any more, this life of solitude
I pick myself off the floor, and now I’m done with you**

“I love you!”

There they were. The words had finally been spoken.

Ran was resting on top of him, crimson hair brushing his neck, breathing damply against his shoulder. Upon hearing the impassioned cry, he had frozen, but now was pulling away slowly.

“Don’t leave,” Ken whispered painfully, keeping the older boy pressed against him tightly. “Please, Aya…Ran…I love you…”

“You don’t love me, Ken,” was the low reply as Ran pushed away his clinging arms and sat up.

“How can you say that?” the brunet asked, resisting the urge to weep as the redhead began to dress quickly. “You have no idea what I feel! I love you. I don’t care if you don’t want to believe it!”

“You don’t love me,” Ran repeated softly. “Don’t mistake lust with love.”

“It’s not a mistake,” Ken protested quietly, sliding off of the mattress, determined to at least force the older boy to allow him to have his say. “Do you think that I am such a fool that I can’t tell the difference? I know what I feel.”

The redhead made no comment, turning towards the door, but Ken was there before he could reach for the knob, staring up at him with eyes that were both angry and pleading. “Listen to me, Ran! I love you. Doesn’t that mean something? If it was just lust you felt,you could have gone to anyone you wanted. Why did you come to me?” 

“It is just sex, Ken. Nothing more.”

“Please be honest with me!” the brunet shouted, swiping at the reflexive tears that had begun to wind their way down his cheeks. “I have given myself to you willingly. I have never asked any questions. Don’t you think that counts for something? Your sister is safe now, Takatori is dead…there is no reason to keep yourself locked away!”

“Get out of the way, Ken.”

“I won’t. Tell me that this means something. Tell me the truth.”

“Ken…”

“Please! Can’t you see that you’re ripping me apart?! I love you. I hate you. I can’t go on like this.”

The redhead remained silent, gazing down at him with dispassionate violet eyes.

“You…you are the air I breathe, you are everything I taste, you are everything I see. You are all my beauty. All of my emotion wraps around you.”

Ken bowed his head, inhaling a trembling breath, moving forward to rest his cheek against Ran’s muscled chest.

“I can’t take it anymore,” he whispered into the material of the taller boy’s shirt. “I can’t stand feeling alone…I can’t stand never knowing…Ran…I can’t live without you…I have tried to let you go so many times…but I can’t…I can’t let you go…”

Linking his arms around the redhead’s waist, Ken pressed closer. “Tell me this hasn’t been for nothing…tell me you feel something…anything…”

Ran was silent for long, agonizing, endless moments, neither returning the embrace, nor pulling away.

“Ran…I love you…”

Slowly, the redhead twined his arms around Ken’s torso, drawing the boy more firmly against him. “Ken…”

“I love you.” Lifting his eyes to survey his lover’s pale features, Ken lifted a hand to caress that silky white skin. “I’ll never stop. I’ll love you always.”

Ran buried his fingers in wild brown hair, tilting the brunet’s head back and lowering his lips to that inviting mouth. He kissed Ken slowly, thoroughly, letting his emotions speak through the sensual act. He poured into it the words he could not yet speak. Words of love, of longing, of fear. He had never allowed himself to be close to anyone but his sister and their long-deceased parents. He had come to Ken, at first merely seeking sexual pleasure, a release of all the pent up tension. What started as nothing more than lust had transformed into obsession without his knowledge. No matter how hard he tried to dispel the brunet from his mind, from his heart, he found himself unable to get enough. The taste of his lover lingered in his mouth, driving him mad. To make up for it, he kept himself distant from Ken at every moment outside their lovemaking. Even during the act, he had maintained the barrier of ice he had constructed around his emotions, resisting the urge to hold the brunet, to wake up to those chocolate eyes, that golden skin.

It was not easy to release such intricately crafted walls. If he opened himself to love, it would also mean he was exposing himself to the rest of the world. It was a frightening thing, being undisguised. In all fairness, Ken deserved much better. He deserved someone who would not be afraid to display his emotions, who would not fear showing his affection. He deserved someone like Yohji, who loved him so desperately even their most innocent teammate, Omi, had noticed. He deserved so much better, but…

“I love you, Ran.”

But it was he who the assassin loved, he who had the power to make or break his young lover, he who held that heart captive. As much as he would like to deny it, letting go of Ken would be an impossibility. Love and hate were so different, yet so alike. His abhorrence for Takatori had been as strong as his feelings for Ken, the intensity was the same, but the emotions behind the two were eternally dissimilar. His feelings for Ken filled him with warmth, while any lingering thoughts of Takatori filled him with the coldest rage. Both were things he had pursued vigorously, even if the initial signs of love for Ken were pushed behind a wall of denial, beneath the lie that Ken was no more than a sexual desire.

At the first words of Ken’s confession, he had immediately given into the instinct to flee, but now as he held that warm body close, the only thought in his mind was to stay, remain locked in the moment forever, embraced by love.

“Ran…stay with me…”

Nodding slowly, the redhead allowed himself to be led back to the mattress and, for the first time since he had taken Ken’s virginity, he stayed the night.

**Always, always, always**

Ken had once said that Ran was his air, everything he tasted, all of his beauty. After years of being Ken’s lover, of being loved by the brunet, Ran knew that it was the exact opposite that was true. Ken was everything--all the beauty, all the wonder, all the purity of the world. In his error, Ran had nearly destroyed the light inside him. Ken had told him virtually nothing, but a drunken, angry Yohji had let numerous secrets spill forth. Ran had been left feeling stunned. That night, he held the younger boy closer than ever. Years later, he had still not loosened his grasp.

Ken had become an integral part of his being. Without the brunet, he would be forever locked in ice, dead among the living. It was endless, it was more precious than anything.

His heart was now unfrozen, open to the world. He would take it all, the agony, the ecstasy, the pleasure, and the pain, if it meant being able to hold Ken close, being able to protect him, even from himself. He would never again be so intentionally callous.

To live with Ken was better than a life of pain, regret, and solitude. He would spend a lifetime repairing the damage he had caused. He would hold Ken to him, love and cherish him. Always.

~*OWARI*~

Thanks for reading! Gah! Don’t kill me for any OOCness! This song is so awesome. If you get the chance to listen to it, do so! It is great.

I had to take this fic down and revise a few scenes for personal reasons, so this is just a re-post with a few slight changes. If you reviewed the first time, please leave me a review again!

If this is your first time reading it, I hope you will review and tell me what you think.

~Midori^_~