by S_Star

E-mail: s_star

Set: During Crush

Summary: Spike's thoughts during Crush when Buffy and Dru are unconscious.

Rating: U

Disclaimer: Buffy and Spike belong only to each other

Distribution: Want, take, publish on the internet! Just make sure I know where.

Feedback: Praise to s_star , insults to your Recycle Bin. Kidding, but no hate mail or death threats, 'kay?/b

So there they are. My angels.

The only two beings that my foolish heart saw fit to love.

Just my luck that they're the only two beings on earth that I can't have.

Perhaps that's what drew me to them: that knowledge that no matter how hard I tried, I could never reach them, never quite catch them. I could be so close, but they'd always slip away. To him.

My demonic face comes forth when I think of him.

Angelus, that stupid poofter. That bastard always has to be one step ahead of me, or two if he can make it.

My Sire? My Yoda? Yeah, right. I almost snort at the idea.

I was left to fend for myself, learn the ways of this ancient race without guidance while he stayed home and 'minded his ladies' as he put it.

I can remember it clearly.

Every night until he got his soul, it was the same. The door would open, I would come outside and watch him as he surveyed his 'territory'. Everywhere we visited was his.

'You go and find something to eat, young William,' he would say in that nancyboy accent, 'while I stay in and mind my ladies.'

I never had a real sire, never felt that unbreakable bond between two vampires.

My love for Dru wasn't that. It was almost a need to protect her from the world and from herself, but it was also what she stood for.

Running my hand over her cheek, I can feel the chill from her skin run through me. I know that all vampires are meant to be room temperature or what all, but she was always so cold.

My princess, my beautiful black queen.

Everything about her is a promise.

A promise of adventure, of thrills without measure in every sway of her hips.

A vision of worlds so distant yet walking hand in hand with our own, reflects in her eyes.

She is the darkness, she is the one thing that I yield to. I am a demon, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise. And Dru is offering acceptance into that word; pure and simple. I could be what I know I really am, I-

My eyes fall on my other angel. The Slayer. My Slayer. My Buffy.

What people say about having a certain 'taste in women' couldn't be more wrong.

I mean, look at them. They're the most complete opposites the world could offer.

Darkness and light, death and life.

God, she's beautiful. I look appreciatively down Buffy's body.

My wonderful, sun-kissed goddess - where do I come up with these names?

Everything about her , radiance.

Her golden hair lying haphazardly round her shoulders, her beautiful tanned skin.

Yet I know that one movement could kill me where I stand.

She's amazing.

Everything about courage, her faith, he love, especially for the Little Bit.

She's the light, Dru's the darkness.

She's the world that I can never see, the sunshine that was stolen from me so long ago, Dru's the world where I should belong.

She's the life I never had, Dru's the death that brought me here.

No, death didn't bring me here. Stepping back to take both of them into view, I see it.

Love.

Love is what brought me here today.

Love for Cecily, love for Dru, the love for Buffy that I resisted for so long.

I've always followed my heart, and I know what it's saying now.

Drusilla's my dark angel, standing in the pits of hell offering me a guaranteed seat.

Buffy's my light angel, sitting in Heaven scowling at me as I'm stuck in this Purgatory.

And I know what I have to do.

I reverently place a kiss on Drusilla's pale forehead, and I know that it's a kiss goodbye.

I'm willing to turn my back on what I am, give up the future my queen is for the hope that maybe, someday in the distant future Buffy will be able to feel a shred of tolerance towards me.

It's a lot to lose, but I know that one day I'll make it.

She'll never love me truly; it will always be him, but I'll give her everything I can give, if she wanted it, for in the century and a half I've existed, the one thing I've learnt is to trust my heart.

After all, love made me what I am today, and love will always be my guide.

For love overcomes all.

b*end*/b