S_Star

Set: A happy AU after Dead Things Summary: Buffy's finally got her hands on the Slayer handbook Rating: U Disclaimer: Buffy and Spike belong only to each other Feedback: Praise to s_star , insults to your Recycle Bin. Kidding, but no hate mail or death threats, 'kay? Dedication: Declamatio - just another little thing that floated into my head./b

Y'know what I did this morning? I went over to Giles' house, took his copy of the Slayer Handbook, and READ IT.

Start to finish, every word. And I actually understood it. Okay, so it does kinda sound like Dr Seuss's guide to vampires or something, but still.

There're these little sections, one for rules, one for 'Handy Hints', even a checklist for the Watcher to fill out when their Slayer completes certain tasks.

But through this whole book, it's all about sacred duty, yada, yada, one girl in all the world, blah, blah, vampires bad.

No, that's the thing. Through this whole thing it's like, 'Certain types of demon can be killed by whatever.' There's nothing really about vampires in general. It's strange that, I mean, me being a VAMPIRE Slayer and all that.

They just totally neglected it. There's I think one paragraph about 'Wear a cross, always carry spare stakes.' but that's under weaponry and preparation for battle.

Nothing about vampires being the quintessence of evil, nothing about vampires being the earthly avatars of Satan. Sure, it has 'What to do if you're locked in a room with a whatever demon that can only be found in every fifth dimension, not including this one.' but ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES! Sure, what to do if you're raped by a blah demon (with illustrations, no less), but not a word about vampires and their evil.

And the rules. 'Keep your identity secret' - well, duh! Isn't that usually the point of a secret identity? 'Slaying must be your number one priority at all times' - as Giles keeps telling me. Slay first, party later. Gottit. 'Never give a Polgara demon your home address' - what do you take me for?

But still, nothing. It would've been a lot simpler if they had it is big letters, right in the front, number one rule. 'Vampires are bad. Never, under any circumstances, fall in love with a vampire.' With, y'know, neon signs and glow in the dark background and everything. Just to really get the message across.

Never, ever, fall in love with a vampire.

Unfortunately, I discovered that too late.

It's not Angel, Angel had a soul. Angel HAS a soul.

And it's not like I fell in love with some dark lord who seduced me and then tried to drain me in my sleep. Nothing bad's happened.

I'm just in love with a vampire. So that's my addition to the rulebook. Buffy Summers' mark on the world of Slaying.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. It's just that since I've known him, he's turned my world upside down. What used to be black = demons = bad, white = Buffy = good, is now a whole spectrum of grey.

There's grey like me that's rooted in the light but dark on the edges. Or on the inside. And there's grey like him that's spawned of darkness, seeking a home in the light but unable to break away from its roots.

When you think of it like that, life as the Slayer isn't so simple.

Today I let a fledgling get away. I was ready for the kill, but I couldn't do it. I looked at him and I saw a chance for redemption. So I let him go.

But there's still the small fact that only one in a million vampires can break away and seek redemption. And Spike's that one.

I told him about the fledgling tonight, and he understood completely. How can always do that? And he explained that vamps are so driven by bloodlust that hardly any of them can see what they do is wrong.

He wasn't bragging, I know that. He brags as a joke, a façade almost. He's really insecure underneath. It's kinda weird, when you look at him, all leather and bleach, to think about how insecure he is, but I know. I know HIM.

Scary, I know. I was always so amazed that he just got me, understood me. He could always see through me; figure me out. And I can do the same for him. All I've gotta do is look at him, and I know what he's thinking and feeling. That's the bond we have.

He's the one person - yeah, I said person - who I can talk to about anything and everything. The kinda stuff you wouldn't admit to even your best girlfriend, I'd tell him in a heartbeat. He'd never look down on me, never judge, and he'd always understand why I did it, or what the circumstances were. He never questions.

There was a time when I just came to him to feel. I sang it to him, I said, 'This isn't real, but I just wanna feel', but he didn't care. He was clinging to his crumb, and I was clutching my only link to life. A dead thing was my only link to life. But that time, in the alleyway, when I thought I'd murdered Katrina - that was when it changed.

He said he'd tried to stop them finding out, tried to save me. Cuz he loved me. But that wasn't it. When I began to attack him, and he just stood there, told me to lay it all on was when. When I looked into his eyes and finally saw what I'd refused to accept for so long. The old Spike would fight back; give me a challenge or whatever. But he knew how I felt, he knew what I needed.

I guess that was why I wigged out and said all that stuff about how he couldn't feel and I could never be his girl. I was pretty mad and confused anyway, but after what I'd just realised.I was trying to deny it, I refused to believe that I felt that way. And then I thought that maybe, if he hated me, I could somehow hate him just as much. Guess that kinda failed. The way he just lay there, rolled over and whispered my name as I broke my heart.

So I went to his place the next day and told him. Told him how I feel, told him everything. All he could say was ' 'Bout time,' but I could see what he denies were tears in his eyes.

And now it's like old times. Well, there weren't any REAL old times for us - that would mean fighting again, though I do sometimes miss the fights we had. No, it's like when I just came back, and he was the one I'd talk to. He was the one who knew where I'd been. I'd once told him, as I remembered through the drunken haze, that he was the only person I could stand to be around.

I mean, just tonight we spent hours reading through the Slayers' Handbook together, just being.I dunno, content.

Vampires. Gotta hate 'em.

So that's my advice. Never fall in love with a vampire.

Cuz rule number 74 states that 'True happiness can blind a Slayer to her sacred duty.'

And we wouldn't want that, would we?

b*end*

Yeah, the ending was a cop-out. It's 2am for crying out loud! I've been living off black coffee for 2 hours now!

Still, opinions? REVIEWS, hint hint!

Welcome, as always./b