|The Invincible Harry
Author: Goldy PM
Harry and Buffy meet. SILLY FIC! SILLY FIC! SILLY FIC! How many times can I repeat that? Makes fun of the past few seasons of BTVS. Might not want to read if you liked those seasons. Or if you like the show, actually. Anyway. It's supposed to be amusing.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,665 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 3 - Published: 12-04-02 - id: 1103398
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Title: The Invincible Harry
Disclaimer: I do not own, or have anything to do with BTVS or HP. This is done purely for entertainment purposes without profit. Wow! I managed that whole thing without even being sarcastic. Wait… here it comes… Joss, you bastard, you don't deserve them.
Synopsis: Harry. Buffy. Meeting. Bitterly sarcastic jokes and bitterness is forthcoming.
Spoilers: Chamber of Secrets movie spoilers as well as BTVS S6 and 7
Apologies: Sorry, Joss, you're not a bastard. Well, that's not totally true. I'm sorry if I was being offensive. This fic probably doesn't print a very nice picture of Buffy, Harry, fandom, ME… hell, even B/Aers! I make jokes about everyone, it's all in good fun, mmkay?
A/N: SILLY FIC! SILLY FIC! SILLY FIC! Possibly contains a little bit of B/A shippiness, but I did my best to keep it to the barest minimum.
A/N 2: Very, very UN-betaed. I'm having beta nightmares at the moment. No one's been stabbed or shot yet, but it's still nightmarish. Sorry for all mistakes, they're mine.
A/N 3: First Harry Potter fic thing. Sorry for how badly written his character is. But! It's a SILLY FIC! (like you haven't figured that out yet)
Feedback: *Smiles prettily* Please, please, please, with naked Harry Potters and Angelus' on top?
It had started off as a night like any other. Dark cemeteries, sniveling vampires, spooky crypts, and the slayer, out to stop whatever was to come next. Buffy had been out for hours, stake tapping nervously at her side, eyes darting wildly around. She was a hunter, a warrior that was going to keep her town safe. They would go after her friends, her family, tear apart what she thought she knew, cut into those nearest and dearest, and she would never falter.
She was the slayer.
Then, the Hellmouth did something that she didn't expect it to do. It didn't fight her, it didn't kill her, it didn't try to sedate her, it simply switched the time and place. It took her away from what she knew and sent her somewhere else.
Deep inside the Earth, the First smiled.
It looked to Buffy like a room. A very white, large room. It swept out before her, miles and miles of white fluff, soft walls, and squishy floors. She pressed a hand to the wall on her right, let out a gasp when it moved, expanding the room.
This was… interesting.
Her eyes searched frantically, her body tense and waiting for a sign of life. The last thing she remembered was walking in Restfield, finishing up a fruitless patrol. Next thing she knew, the cemetery was gone and she was in this cloud type thing.
She was just about to go searching for an exit when another person appeared. Right out of thin air. Buffy didn't even bat an eye. Not like she hadn't ever seen something like it before.
The person seemed a little disoriented, his eyes glancing back and forth, his stance wavering in confusion. With a predator's gaze, Buffy quickly summed him up. Young, lean, self-confident, he let out an aura of young, untrained power. The two stared at each other, magical beings suddenly sucked from their world and shoved in another. Yet, not sure what the other's intentions were. Until…
"Oh my god!" they both cried simultaneously.
"Buffy Anne Summers!"
"You've heard of me? You're, like, my biggest hero! I can't believe this!"
"You're my role model! This is so unreal. I can't believe you know who I am!"
"Is your name *really* Harry Potter?"
"What kind of a middle name is Anne?"
"Can I see your lightening bolt?"
"Wow, you really do have a scar on your neck!"
it like being able to fly a broom?"
"What was it like coming back from the dead?"
Buffy choked, hearing his last words. She cleared her throat, rewarding him with a slayer-glare. "Well," she snapped indignantly, "if you knew anything about me, you'd know it wasn't pleasant."
"True," Harry agreed, "you did go through that whole depression, screwing an evil demon phase thing."
"Yeah," Buffy nodded.
"So," Harry shifted nervously. "I guess we're stuck here together."
The slayer sighed, searching the walls again with her eyes. "Pretty much. Might as well sit down." Buffy plopped down into the soft, comfy, white stuff, and stretched out leisurely. "I have to admit, it's quite an honor to be able to talk to the great Harry Potter."
The wizard shook his head, sitting down next to her. "If you don't mind my saying so, you're a lot greater. Under appreciated, in my opinion."
The slayer was about to protest, then sighed painfully. "Well, you know how it is, sacred duty and all that."
He patted her knee in sympathy. "I've watched your show from day one. Ron thinks it's weird, watching a muggle program. Hermione thinks you're her idol, but she'll never admit that she actually watches a show called *Buffy*."
"Isn't her name Hermione?"
gave her a funny look. "Your point?"
"Never mind. I have all your books, you know. Just saw Chamber of Secrets. Great movie by the way."
"Great move there with the dagger at the end…" Buffy trailed off, looked a little pained. "But you were holding it the wrong way."
"Willow doesn't have a wand," Harry pointed out reasonably, "and she still does magic okay."
"By invoking the Powers Great and *Evil*," Buffy muttered.
Harry shrugged. "She's pretty powerful. I always wondered why Hogwarts never called her in."
"The inter-dimensional crossing may have been difficult."
"We managed okay."
Buffy frowned. "How did that come to be, anyway?"
"Obviously, since the First Evil has been lying in wait for FOUR years, it sent you here. Talk about dangling plot line of the century."
"Yeah, well," Buffy sniffed, "Voldermort probably sent you here, since, oh wait, he's the only one that you've ever fought in FOUR 500 page books!"
"I resent that!" Harry mumbled.
sighed, "Sorry, you're right. There has been a few plot holes over the years."
"What about you? How come a child is always saving the day and defeating the bad guy when you live in a school with the most powerful wizard in the world? Why doesn't Dumbledore ever defeat the bad guy?"
"You slept with a soulless demon," Harry retorted.
"He isn't soulless!"
Harry coughed into his hand, "Recycling old plot lines."
"Voldermort. Every. Single. Book."
"He's my nemesis," he whined.
"Spike isn't like Angel," she huffed, "Joss Whedon *promised* it would be different."
Harry Potter laughed. "I've been following this show from day one. Do you really expect me to believe anything that comes out of that guy's mouth?"
"He's a genius."
"Genius guy said that Spike went to Africa to get a *sole* not a soul."
"Same genius guy that created the show that you're obsessed with in the first place."
"I'm not obsessed. Merely emotionally invested. Pardon me if I've grown to care about your character."
Buffy softened. "Really? That's kind of sweet."
Harry smiled. "Totally. I love those episodes where the bad guys bring you down, but you rise up in the end to kick their ass. Miserable from your duty, but strong until the bitter end," he paused. "At least, before you came back the second time."
"You know what I've always wondered?" Harry looked at her blankly, "Whether Hermione is going to end up with you or Ron."
"Somehow I figured. Have you ever checked out the fanfiction that people write for you? Draco seems to be the man of choice. I'm not usually a slash fan, but… I read this one fic. I don't want to get into detail but there were chains and whip cream and…"
Harry cleared his throat. "I think I read that one, actually."
Buffy nodded, "It made me into a big Harry/Draco fan. Of course, Willow thinks you're destined to be with Hermione. Says that you've loved each other from day one."
looked confused, "Willow thinks that Hermione and I are in love and you think
that Malfoy is right for me? Does this seem weird to you by any chance?"
"Why do people ALWAYS say that?"
"I have no idea," Harry answered sarcastically.
Buffy pouted. "You're not being very nice."
"Well, it's not easy being a fan of your show. I mean, think of all the shipper wars. B/Aers, C/Aers, kittens, spuffies… it's exhausting."
"I know!" Buffy rolled her eyes. "I don't get it. For one, B/A is SO over. We've been apart now for FOUR years. Get over it people!"
Harry laughed. Painfully. "Yeah…" he gulped, "what… losers."
She nodded vehemently. "Losers," she agreed.
"But Spike, that's got to be interesting. Having to get close to your rapist and all that."
"Well, you know me, if the killer thing didn't give it away, I need to invite him into my home to make sure that he's close to my friends and family in case he decides he's hungry."
Buffy tapped her fingers thoughtfully against her legs. "You talk to snakes, right?" Harry nodded. "You know, I fight a lot of snake shaped things…"
"I know! Do you think they're trying to send out a message with all those long, shaped snake like, slimy creatures?"
gave him a dirty look. "How did Voldermort pass that quality down to you? I
always thought it was a weird explanation. He gave you a lightening bolt, so
you became snakeapathic?"
Harry snorted, "Do you really want to turn this into poor explanations? You live on a "hellmouth"? Your sister appeared from a ball of energy? Magic equals drugs? Stakes turn vampires into *dust*?"
"You're supposed to be my biggest fan!"
"I am!" Harry cried. "I just think the whole, 'The ratings don't matter because new fans will always come,' thing is a little hypocritical. Not to mention disillusional."
Buffy was about to do that really cool glare slayer trick she's always been so good at, when out of nowhere a new person plopped down into their haven.
"A hockey player?" Buffy questioned, dubiously. "Called the Mighty Ducks? Could my show get ANY worse?"
"Riley could come back for the third time," Harry offered.
This time Buffy managed to glare at him. "Don't jinx it," she hissed.
"Um, excuse me?" Harry and Buffy looked over at their new addition, identical frowns of annoyance marring their features. "I was playing a really important hockey game…"
"What's your name?" Buffy interrupted.
"Charlie Conway. Look, it was a really important game and if you don't mind I'd like to get back there…"
Buffy looked up at the sky. "For God's sake, could you get your warriors STRAIGHT here?"
Charlie Conway disappeared. Harry looked awed. "Wow," he breathed, "your good."
The slayer smiled smugly. "Not bad for a show that can't pull in new audiences."
"UPN did lose affiliates," Harry said soothingly.
"And we do still have a weird, psycho, cult fanbase."
"Mind you, not as large as my creepy, obsessed fanbase."
"Weird fanfiction parings!"
"Fanfiction? I have WAY more than you do on fanfiction.net."
"Well, good for you," Buffy snapped.
Harry threw up his hands. "I was just trying to help."
Buffy sighed, looking sad. "It's true, the show isn't what it used to be."
"Yeah, and that's not even mentioning the whole network switch. Yeah, right, you and Angel are on different networks. Separate shows." Harry snickered, "So separate that his potential new love interest suddenly had blond hair, is a champion, and has super powers. AND! Your new love interest is a vampire with a SOUL! And they dare call the shows *separate*."
Buffy stood up like she was being burned. She glared down at him. "I knew it, I knew it! You're a B/A shipper! A B/Aer!"
Harry jumped up. "So what if I am? You're a D/H shipper!"
"That's not the same thing!"
"And why the hell not?"
"You're not on separate networks!"
"I knew that was just a pathetic excuse," Harry Potter yelled triumphantly.
Buffy touched the scar on her neck lightly. She deflated, and slumped against the wall. The wall moved away from her and she stumbled to the ground, looking pathetically up at the wizard. "We have some things in common," she whispered, looking for the lightening bolt on his forehead.
"Crappy writer! No attention to detail! Offensive characters! Plot holes!" Harry screeched.
Buffy looked bewildered. "I thought Rowling was a good author…"
Harry frowned. "Sorry, I was just referring to Marti Noxon."
Annoyed, Buffy brought up her fist, dropped it. "Actually, that's fair."
Harry cleared his throat. "You're right, we do have a lot of common. Scars that were given to us from those that loved us dearly. People that have died in tragic circumstances. Lives that were altered from responsibility at a young age."
"Weird that we've made it alive through it all…" Buffy trailed off, thought a moment, " wait…"
Harry's eyes lit up. "Wouldn't it be cool if you died again at the end of the season?"
"Sure, talk about recycled, but I so want it to be big. Maybe you and Angel…"
Buffy stuck out a finger at him. "Stop that! We were doing just fine till you brought your evil B/Aness into the conversation."
"Sorry, I can't help it."
"It's okay," she shrugged, beginning to stand up. "We did have that whole mythical romance thing going for us."
"You know, I am a wizard, I know a lot of spells, maybe…"
Buffy shook her head sadly. "Thanks for the offer, Harry. But I can't take it. You know that. If things do work out between us, it will have to be because we were able to work it out, you know?"
"Sure," he answered easily, "but I was going to ask if I you wouldn't mind me getting us out of here."
Bewildered, Buffy needed a moment to let his words sink in. "Oh." Then, more sheepishly, "Oooohhhhh."
Harry raised his eyebrows, slightly annoyed. "So? One stop teleportation to Sunnydale?"
"Yeah, that would probably be okay. Just as long as I don't end up coughing up slugs or something."
"You got it." Harry picked up his wand, muttered something in Latin under his breath, waved it around and…
Buffy was back in Sunnydale.
She sighed, looking at the familiar graves with a little more light in her eyes. "Well, that was certainly a little weird."