I'M SO, SO, SO, SO SORRY FOR THE VERY LONG WAIT! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. THE REASON WHY IS THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY ILL AND THAT I HAD FINALS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

Disclaimer: Honestly! If I told you that I owned them, would you believe me? If you do, you need to have your brain checked! I own nothing but the plot!

WARNING: This story contains sensitive subjects as depression, disorders and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read it if you are sensitive to those matters.

Rating: R for the warning.

Set in: Hermione's fifth year

Abnormal Normality

Of Harrione

Chapter 4; Illusion

Lunch.

She had no excuse for not being there. But what worst was that, she wanted to be there. She wanted to see the food, see if she could resist the temptation. She wasn't sure if she could. She could feel the hunger. She wasn't use to go so long without food. She hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday morning. Over 24 hours.

The hunger, the feeling of power. She had controlled herself. Something in her life she could control, something she was good at! Soon she would loose weight! Be like anybody else…

She stopped at the entrance to the Great Hall. The food was already on the plates. Students eating, talking, having fun. Even the teachers seemed to enjoy themselves. She could smell the food. Some was already started at the desert.

Hot apple pie with whipped cream.

It looked digesting and yet, appealing… But how could it look appealing? It disgusted her. It wasn't appealing and yet she thought so. She had to get away. She would eat it and gain weight. But she couldn't get away. Harry and Ron were walking on either side of her, like bodyguards. Usually it didn't annoy her but today it did. She was old enough to take care of her self. She didn't needed bodyguards!

It was too late now. She was already sitting at the table. She had to eat. She was sure everyone was looking at her. Wondering why she didn't eat anything. They would force her to eat. She would decide herself what to eat. When to eat. And what to eat!

Slowly she lifted her silver spoon to her pale lips. The piece of salad on her spoon drew closer to her mouth. It entered and she swallowed.

It wasn't that bad… It tasted good… A piece more wouldn't hurt…

She swallowed a new piece of salad. And a piece more.

She needed more.

More!

MORE!

Not just salad, she needed…

Pie with lots of whipped cream

MORE!

She couldn't stop… it tasted so good…

…so good…

…and so wrong…

She needed to stop…

…stop…

Why couldn't she stop? She would gain so much weight…

…unless…

She stormed out of the Great Hall. Silent so nobody would notice… and no one did…

She went straight to her own room. To her own toilet.

If she puked, she wouldn't gain weight… She could eat all that she wanted and don't gain weight…an excellent plan…

She lifted her slightly trembling finger until it touched her open mouth. It was so easy.

Just a little more and she would start vomiting…

But she couldn't…

She couldn't…

She just couldn't…

Why?

She was weak… that's why…

She couldn't even make herself puke… It was so simple and she couldn't.

Then there was no other way. She just had to stop eating for a little while. And then when she looked like the other girls she would start eating again. She could control it, and besides it was something everyone did…

Instead of eating dinner, she went to the library. It was empty. Even the strict librarian was in the Great Hall eating, but not her. She needed to study… Study so she would live up to her brother. Live up to her parents' expectations… Her own…

She ran her hand over the books. She loved the feeling of the soft leather under her fingertips. Loved the smell of ink and parchment. Books had always been her friends. They had never let her down.

When her mother was in her bad period, books cheered her up. When she was teased in school, she found escape in her books. Books led her to a place were real life couldn't reached her. A fantasy world where she didn't have to think about her problems.

But now…

She was older… She knew that it was all an illusion. No matter how many books she read she would always be the same.

Hermione Granger, a fat, ugly and stupid girl.

A girl who from a very young age was forced to be an adult. A woman who wished more than anything to be a girl. To be small and innocent again, to be able to run away or hide under a bed when the world was treating her unfair.

But that was also an illusion. She couldn't be a girl again… To many things had happened… To many disappointments… Too much pain…

She had no real life. Everything she had was an illusion…

Just an illusion…

-End of chapter 4-

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