Harry Potter and the Mortal Coil

Chapter 25

Author's Note: Well, now that I've started to get death threats for not updating this and It's Gravitation, I figured now would be as good a time as any to start working on them some more. The only problem? I've lost my story chart, so while I know most of what's supposed to happen, I haven't the foggiest how I'm supposed to get there. As a result, I'm going to have to do a bit of groping around in the dark, so to speak, so please bear with me. I've also lost my beta, at least until he returns from Cancun, and so this probably won't win any awards for grammar and variety (not that it ever did). But, nevertheless, here it is: Chapter 25. It's quite a bit shorter than I would've liked, but...well, enough babbling. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

To say that Harry was under a lot of stress would have been a gross understatement. His first night spent back in Gryffindor Tower since his first botched suicide attempt was a restless one, and as he laid in his old bed staring at the ceiling, worries and terrible thoughts ran through his head, preventing him from getting to sleep. He didn't dare wake Ron - how could he possibly talk to him about any of this? He didn't know about Harry's feelings for Snape (and frankly, Harry was a bit worried how he'd react if he found out), and he certainly didn't know about Lucius Malfoy. He thought about taking Dreamless Sleep, but then remembered that he had none, and getting more would require facing Snape again, and really, he wasn't ready to do that just yet. After all, he thought, he wasn't the one in the wrong anyway. And so, with a frustrated sigh, he got up, deciding that if he wasn't going to sleep anyway, he might as well not sleep in the common room where he wouldn't have to listen to Ron's and Neville's snores. His feet felt around for his shoes, but to no avail. Scowling, he dropped to his knees and rummaged around under the bed, smirking when he felt his hand connect with one of his shoes. He pulled it out, then dove back, sliding his hand further under the bed, searching until his fingers brushed against cool metal. Blinking, he grabbed the object and pulled it out into the moonlight where he could get a better look at it. Sirius's pocket knife. Harry's heart thudded in his cheast - he was shocked the knife was still there. He'd thought one of the professors might have taken it when...he clutched the knife to him. "Sirius..." he whispered to himself, and shuddered. He would not cry. He willed himself not to cry even as he blinked back the tears forming in his eyes. How easy it would be...how simple...and he could be with Sirius and Lupin and his parents again...he'd be free from all these responsibilities he'd never asked for...

Ron grunted and rolled over in his sleep, startling Harry out of his thoughts. Ron, Hermione...he couldn't just leave them to face Malfoy's inevitable wrath alone, though, could he? Even if it meant he could finally rest, finally be free...would it be worth leaving them with his burdens? He looked down at the knife, now lying flat in his open palm. It'd be so simple, but...

"You don't really want to do that, now, do you?" he heard a very familiar man's voice whisper in his ear. He spun around, searching for the speaker, but there was no one in the room other than his sleeping roommates.

"S...Sirius?" he whispered into the darkness. There was no reply, save Ron's snores, and Harry fell back to sit on the floor. Was he going mad? He looked down at the knife again, wondering for a brief moment of insanity if it had talked, then shook his head and quickly pocketed it. He just needed some space, that was all. He'd become unused to being in a dormitory, and it was making him...what? Hear things? His friends' snoring was somehow turning him into a madman?

"This is stupid," Harry muttered to himself, reaching back under the bed to retrieve his other shoe. He pulled both shoes on, stood, and headed down to the common room. He'd barely sat down on the squashy chair by the fire when the portrait hole swung open, admitting a flushed Severus Snape. His eyes landed on Harry, and they just stared at each other in silence.

"You're alive," Snape whispered so quietly that Harry wasn't entirely sure he hadn't imagined it. They stared at each other for a moment longer before Snape cleared his throat and looked away. "You aren't supposed to be spending the night here unsupervised, you realize," he addressed the fireplace.

"I missed Ron," Harry replied simply, though they both knew that wasn't why Harry had elected to stay in Gryffindor Tower that night.

Snape looked uncomfortable. "Even so..." He trailed off and cleared his throat again. "Well, at any rate..."

"I heard Sirius tonight," Harry suddenly blurted out, and Snape's eyes shot back to him. "Sirius. I heard his voice."

Snape gave him an odd look. "Harry, Black..."

"I know he's..." Harry interrupted, then sighed. He fumbled around in his pocket for Sirius's knife, pulled it out, and looked at it, his fingers tracing over its surface. He looked up to see Snape staring at the knife apprehensively. "It happened after I found this...he gave it to me. It was under my bed all this time..." Harry shook his head.

After a prolonged pause, Snape softly asked, "And what, exactly, did Black's voice say?"

Harry tensed up. He didn't particularly want anyone knowing that he'd been thinking about turning the knife on himself again; what if they did take the knife away this time? It was one of the very few things he had left of his godfather, and he didn't want to give it up for anything. "...Nothing important," Harry lied.

Snape obviously wasn't fooled as his gaze turned into a glare, and he stalked forawrd until he was standing right in front of Harry. "I didn't ask whether or not it was important. I asked what he said."

Harry glanced up at Snape, then looked back down at the knife. "If I tell you, do you promise not to take this away?" A brief silence fell over the two of them. "...It's all I have left of him," Harry added quietly.

Snape frowned. "Is that the knife you...?"

"Yes, but I won't be using it like that ever again," Harry said firmly, and Snape found himself believing it. With a sigh and a resigned look, Snape nodded.

"Very well."

Harry held the knife up so that the light from the fireplace glinted off its surface. "I was thinking, earlier, when I found this, how much easier things would be if I didn't have to worry about Mr. Malfoy or Voldemort," he noticed Snape wince, "or any of that. I thought it would be so simple to just..." He sighed. "But then I thought about Ron and Hermione and everyone and how unfair it'd be for me to just leave them with all of that..." Harry swallowed hard. "But I also thought about how I could see Sirius and Professor Lupin...my parents...and I wondered if it'd be worth it, just to be with them again." He dropped his hands and the knife into his lap. "I was really thinking about it, too. But then I heard..." Harry paused.

"Black," Snape murmured, and Harry nodded.

"Yes. And he told me I didn't want to do that. And...Merlin, I thought I'd gone mad. Maybe I have. But for a moment, I was so sure that if I turned around he'd be right there, and..." Harry trailed off and looked up to meet Snape's worried gaze. "Am I? Going mad?"

Snape didn't answer, instead directing his attention to Harry's arms. "You didn't actually cut yourself anywhere, did you?" Harry shook his head, and Snape let out a relieved sigh. He sat on the armrest of Harry's chair and placed a hand on Harry's back. That sat quietly there together for a while, neither of them moving. Finally Snape spoke. "I apologize for earlier. I was, perhaps, a bit harsher than was absolutely necessary."

Harry suddenly felt as though a giant boulder had been lifted off of his shoulders. He leaned closer to Snape, resting his head on the older man's chest, and sighed. "No, you were probably right. I was being immature and irresponsible, and probably a few other things that start with 'i'." Snape snorted softly above him and weaved his fingers through Harry's hair.

"Why don't we go back to our rooms to finish this discussion, hm?" Snape suggested. "After all, anyone can..."

"Walk right in. Yeah, okay," Harry agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly, and pulled himself to his feet. Snape followed suit and together they left Gryffindor Tower.