Author: La Cidiana PM
Discrimination against those Most Likely to Die of Terminal Illness Before Age Forty-Five Anyway, GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL, Aerith's much-feared revival in fanfiction universes everywhere, and most importantly, the inherent civil rights of otter babies.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 1,937 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 2 - Published: 12-13-02 - id: 1120236
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Summary: Discrimination against those Most Likely to Die of Terminal Illness Before Age Forty-Five Anyway, GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL, Aerith's much-feared revival in fanfiction universes around the globe, and most importantly, the inherent civil rights of otter babies. Yup. You guessed it. A rare random, slightly intelligent, pointless FFVII fanfiction.
A/N: Late-night viewing of CidxVincent doujinshi scans, a comment that one of my internet friends made about someone's Aerith character hitting on her Cid character, and a memory of a Cid vs. Aerith fanart that I saw a while ago on rpgamer.com were the inspiration for this pointless, completely random, and yet slightly (just slightly) intelligent fic.
You read that.
Go get a cookie. XD
And be scared as you read the insanity. BWAHAH.
This is possibly the weirdest fic I've ever written... which is pretty bad, considering all of those ancient, insane Pokémon fanfictions of mine. O_o
And no, I did NOT proofread this. Explains a lot, doesn't it? XD
Part One: The Part to End All Parts
No, no, no, that was an understatement.
He was FUCKING pissed.
He was more pissed than Cloud when no one would run to the store and buy him hair gel. More pissed than Marlene when a lizard wouldn't die the first time she hit it with a shoe. More pissed than Tifa when they didn't have anything larger than a D cup at Dress4Less, or EVEN a Chocobo when some GREAT FANGIRL GOD OF EVIL decided to name it four-letter words other than "CHOCO".
Wait... did that last thought make any sense...?
Well, goddammit, it probably didn't, now did it?
And Cid knew why.
Ohhhh, yes. He knew exactly why nothing made sense at this point, why the hell he was trudging through the mud of a freezing cold field with no jacket, no pants, no boots, no scarf, no goggles, no gloves, AND NO FREAKIN' CIGARETTES.
Not to mention his horrible lack of equilibrium and balance, and the fact that the only thing he should have been thinking about was how the hell to explain his current state of being to the cowardly comrades that were leisurely sitting around in his own damn ship while he was experiencing the most miserable moment of his screwed-up life.
You see, it had all begun one month ago....
.............Hey, wait, this was pointless, wasn't it? The GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL had already deprived him of that slight honor by giving away all of the reasons for his current situation in the summary, hadn't she? And NOW, even if the reader had skipped over that part, they would probably go back to it to see what important tidbit they had missed, huh?
God fukkit all.
He wasn't sure if "fukkit" was even a word, but it'd have to do for now. It was the word he'd used anyway when everyone had raised some sort of hand, claw, gun-arm or paw in response to the question "Okay, we don't need a vote, but we'll do it anyway for the damn sake of democracy.... Who here thinks Cid should go off to an almost certain doom in the pits of eternal FANFICTIONLAND PERIL since Phillip Morris has probably signed his death certificate already?"
And so had begun Cid's quest to revive Aerith since everyone seemed to choose to ignore the fact that a Pheonix Down was always within arm's length and would rather leave her dead body to rot at the bottom of some lake in some abandoned city in the middle of a goddamn ice cap.
And so, skipping a bunch of crap about his epic quest that he didn't feel like recounting anyway, he eventually found the GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL atop their GREAT MOUNTAIN OF EVIL, zip code 55555 in the GREATER EVIL area. After finally gazing upon their pimply, teenage, pale visages, Cid then began a conversation that went something like this:
"Okay, I've finally gotten here after three fuckin' months of travelin' in shitholes, so would you please just revive flower girl and let me get back to my damn ship?"
"NO. IT WOULD BE BAD. VERY BAD. AERITH IS BAD. SHE IS A BITCH OMG TIFA BELONGS WITH CLOUD SOOO MUCH MORE TIFAXCLOUD 4EVAR."
"OMG NO AERITH IS COOL TIFA SUX DON CORNEO HAHA."
"OMG YES SHE SUX MORE THAN TIFA N AERITH COMBYNED YEAH"
"ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL U GUYS R SO LOLNESS ^_^ ^_^ ^_^"
"OMG YES N CLOUD BELONGS WITH US BECUZ CLOUD IS CUTE OMG AS CUTE AS AN OTTER BABY."
Cid was about to say something about how during the summers of his distant, partially-forgotten childhood, he and his father had trapped, killed, and eaten countless otter babies for food and then sold their soft, tender skins for cash come winter, but he knew it probably wasn't a good idea.
He said it anyway.
"You know," he blinked. "During the summers of my distant, partially-forgotten childhood, my father and I trapped, killed, and ate countless otter babies for food and then sold their soft, tender skins for cash come winter."
The GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL suddenly halted their rantings and slowly turned their frightening, screen-glazed eyes to Cid as an eerie silence pervaded the room.
"O_M_G......,,,,,," One of the GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL shook their head in disbelief.
"TAHT IS.... OMG TAHT IS SOOOOO......" Another one stammered in disgust.
"IT IS WRONG OMG TAHT IS SOOO WRONG!!!!!11111" One of them finally cried out, rising to their bare feet in indignation. "HOW CAN U DO THAT 2 OTTER BABIES OMG TEHY R SOOO WEEK N DEFINSLESSS!"
The tallest, oldest, one, a skinny-looking FANGIRL GOD OF EVIL who currently was fortunate enough to have the curves to cosplay Faye Valentine, rose to her feet as her garbled voice echoed throughout the room. "OMGGGGGGGG U R NOT UGLY ONLY CID BUT A BAD MAN CID A VERY BAD MAN 2 ABSUE OTTER BABIES!!!1"
"But..... Jesus CHRIST!!!!" Cid began to yell, his eyes wide in disbelief. "SHIT, woman, they were ONLY OTTER BABIES!!!!"
Shouldn't have said that either...
The FAYE OF THE GREAT FANGIRL GODS OF EVIL roared out in anger: "OMG U R SO SENSELESS CID U WILL PAY NOW U WILL PAY FOR OTTER BABIE DEATH NOW NOW NOW HAHA WE WILL TURN YUR WISH AGENST U WE R CLEVEREST"
"Whaaa...?!?!? Now, WAIT a DAMN SEC--"
However, Cid's shout of protest was cut short when he was suddenly surrounded by a bright aura of Mysterious Magical Anime Light and his Vague Life Energy began to dwindle. He heard some words... some strange words from far off..... And then he felt cold ground beneath him as he Lost His Consciousness.
The last thing he heard was....
"U WILL FEEL THE PAIN.... OF THE OTTER BABIES."
Cid's strangely-detailed thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a tired, rather annoying whine from behind him.
"Ciiiiiiidddd......." Went the voice, rather prickish and rough at the same time. "We need to... like.... rest."
Cid continued to tromp forward, muttering out the side of his mouth. "What!? You just got to rest during a Enlightening and Overused Flashback..... stop complaining, dammit."
"But Ciiiiiiiiiiiiiid.... Can't we just rest for... an hour.... or something?"
Cid stopped in his tracks and clenching his fists in anger before slowly turning around towards the person behind him, a rather familiar-looking person whom he had to keep from cringing at, what with the stupid expression on their face and all.
"Are you saying...." He grated on his teeth, his eyes glinting murder, "that we use... one of our valuable.... limited..... CONVENIENT TIME LAPSES?!?!"
"Well...." the person blinked. "Duh."
"We CAN'T use those for RESTING!" Cid exclaimed angrily, slamming his fists so hard to his waist that he nearly crushed his shrunken hip bone. "If we do THAT, we'll have to describe our ENTIRE JOURNEY without using Convenient Time Lapses and then the author would get pissed about describing everything over and over again and then this fic would either be left for the ravenous dogs that she belives dwell in the depths of her computer hard drive, or she'll continue to write this during valuable time she could be using for other, more meaningful fics, and then the Cid in some OTHER fanfiction universe would get attention and not ME and we would NEVER BE ABLE TO PROGRESS THIS DAMN NONEXISTENT PLOTLINE."
The person looked at Cid for a moment, as if considering his valid point, and then raised their eyes to the sky thoughtfully.
They looked back down at him. "I still think we should rest."
Cid stared at this Mysterious Anonymous Character for several long moments and finally fell to the ground.
"Yeah, what the hell," he grunted. "Pull out the hot dogs."
Two hours later...
"....so you see," sighed Cid in satisfaction, "that's how you make smoked jerky with only your underwear and a pair of eyelash tweezers!"
"Wooooowwwwww....." The Mysterious Anonymous Character looked on in awe. Their face suddenly fell. "Aw, look.... The time lapse is already over!"
"Really?" Cid cocked his head to the side. Didn't seem like that much time...." He paused, deeply reflecting whether they should both go off to an almost certain scene of ridicule and humiliation or stay put on their asses for several more time lapses and never, ever further the plotline ever again.
"Welll...." Cid finally said. "Did anyone ever tell you how to kill a grown man with a calendar made of kitten hair?"
Two days later...
"....so if you ever see a rhino painted in blood on the window of a convenient store...." Cid wagged his finger at his companion in stern warning. "Never, ever look at the ground if you want to someday become a Professor of Shakespearian Literature."
It was at this point, before the author let Cid fall into a pit of oft-repeated "...so" jokes, she made the fucking Highwind just fucking APPEAR right next to him and his friend as if it had been there all along.
"Damn," Cid muttered as he and the Mysterious Anonymous Person rose to their feet. "And I thought maybe I could actually stall this thing for a while..."
.......AND THEN THE FANFICTION AUTHOR STOPPED AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY, EXCEPT FOR CHELZ WHO WANTED TO KNOW WHO THE PERSON WAS, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Seriously, though, I think I'll just post this to be creepy and weird and feel bad when I get, like, one or two reviews. XD Any psychos out there who want it continued.... (yeah... all zero of you...) just leave a revvie K OR ELSE I WILL JKIL U I M EVIKL.