Disclaimer:

This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Rowling is a goddess; may she have mercy on my soul for writing this.

The song "Something To Sleep To" is owned by Michelle Branch, and Warner Brothers Records. Likewise, no money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Notes:

This songfic was inspired by Michelle Branch’s song "Something To Sleep To" and Chapter Twenty-Two of my Snape/Black slash fan novel, "Love Potion HP." Not only does it contain major spoilers for "Love Potion HP," it will also not make sense unless you have read that story first.

This fic contains syrupy Sirius angst. You have been warned.

* * *

She’s his yellow brick road

Leading him on

And letting him go as far as

she lets him go

Going down to nowhere

After everything, this is how it ends? In nothing?

I loved you, but to love you I could not remain as I was. So I changed. I changed without thinking, the structure of my heart reconfigured into something new, something that could love you, something that you could love.

And it was for nothing? Nothing was real but the hate I thought I had shed that made me adore you that much more?

I love you. I feel that. How can you tell me this isn’t real?

I love you.

I slept, but not well. It’s been over two months since I slept without your body in my arms. I need you, even if it’s just so I can fall asleep.

You always keep the curtains in the living room drawn, but some light still invades through a slit in the fabric. Sunlight. Does that mean it’s morning? It’s yesterday’s tomorrow. It’s today.

I would give anything for it to be yesterday. Yesterday when I didn’t know…

Can’t we just forget that last night ever happened? Can’t we just let it be yesterday again and let everything be the same? Let me be yours and you be mine and let me believe it will be that way forever?

I don’t know how I’ll feel, who I’ll be, weeks from now, once the Aphrodilus has run its course. Once I hate you again; I can’t imagine hating you again.

All I know is how I feel now. Who I am now. I’m the man who loves you and right now, I know what we had was beautiful. I don’t care what pain follows. I would not take back the past six months. I wouldn’t.

When I hate you again, will I remember how I feel now? How I feel thinking that our love is beautiful?

How I feel thinking that you are beautiful?

I don’t know how you’ll act when you see me. Whether it’s hurt, or hostile, or nothing at all, I can’t predict your mood.

I enter the kitchen. I wasn’t certain if I’d find you there, but here you are. Standing in front of the stove, levitating the frying pan, cooking eggs, as if nothing has changed.

For a moment, I am tempted to play along, to live inside our illusion as if it would last forever, but we can’t. We can’t pretend. We have to face what’s happened and what will happen, how we have changed and how that will be undone. And we must do it soon, while we still can bear the sight of each other.

There has to be something we can do, Severus. There has to be some way to preserve at least a little of the bond we have forged. It is incomprehensible to me that something like this can disappear instantaneously as if it never were. Hate didn’t become love overnight. How can the reverse be true?

"Severus-"

"No," you immediately interrupt me. Your voice is not what I expect. It does not sound angry, or bitter, or sad. It doesn’t sound like anything. Casually, you place the eggs at my seat. "Yes, I know we need to talk and we will- but I think we should eat first."

I recognize your words for what they are. It’s a futile tactic, Severus. You’re only delaying the inevitable. I refuse to let this- to let us- slip through our fingers.

Don’t you realize how much you are to me? Do you think I’m too stupid to realize how much I mean to you? I made the mistake of doubting you once before and I almost paid for that with you. Not this time.

When I awake, my head is upon our dining table; my neck is stiff from having slept there.

When did I fall asleep? After breakfast? I don’t remember eating-

I swiftly reach the most logical conclusion. After all, you are a Potions Master.

You drugged my food. Why?

Slowly, wiping the last vestiges of lethargy from my eyes, I enter the living room.

No. You wouldn’t. After everything, you wouldn’t just walk away and leave.

Severus?

I gave you my heart, but it’s not something you can give back. No matter what you do, if you walk away now, you’ll take my heart with you.

You continue to pack your suitcase as if I’m not there.

"Severus, what are you doing?"

You’re not even going to say a word?

"Severus, you’re not-" I choke on the words. My heart is in my throat and I am going to choke on it. "Severus, don’t you think we should talk?"

And still you say nothing.

You close the suitcase.

You haven’t said a word. You haven’t even looked at me.

I can’t stand it any longer.

"GODDAMN IT!" I scream and everything comes pouring out. "Look at me! LOOK AT ME! What are you going to do? Aren’t you going to say anything? Are you just going to walk away? DON’T YOU THINK I CARE?!"

Severus…

You open the door. You walk away.

That’s it. That’s everything. That’s all it takes to shatter me to pieces.

But I need you. I can’t sleep without you.

If I follow, you will spurn me.

If I wait, you will not come.

I will never know the peace of slumber again. The peace of you in my arms.