It's a fan work, let's just get that straight. Shadow is mine, the rest belong to other people. It's unfortunate, but I'll just have to face that. The idea of literally taking my muses shopping actually came to me long, long ago, when they first began blabbering in my head. Unfortunately, their voices only get louder until I am left a giggling freak in the middle of an aisle, tipping over cereal boxes. They sure do make shopping a less painful experience. For me, anyway. Point being, this is a Christmas story. No, trust me. It is. At least it sure as hell feels Christmasy to me. That might tell you too much, though.

Orin and Her Muses Go Grocery Shopping
by Orin Drake

Ah, food shopping. One of the most heinous things a human being has to go through. This has nothing to do with what is being shopped for; it has to do with the other people one is forced to encounter. The old geezers aren't so bad, just slow. The young freaks are few and far between, but they're fun. It's the power-walking single mothers out for blood you really need to worry about, though some of the stock boys are secretly stalking everyone. Stock boy, stalk boy, not much difference.
There is another danger, but not for Orin. Oh no. She is (annoyed but) protected by the danger that everyone else has to face when she is around-her muses. It is a dangerous game they play, seeking out food among the mere mortals of earth.

Shadow pulled in nice and safely in a relatively close spot, putting the car in park and pulling the key out like usual. Next to her, Orin held out a hand to take said key. Never could be too careful. You don't leave a bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic, and you sure as hell don't leave anything dangerous in front of Shadow.
Key in her pocket, Orin turned to her muses in attendance (Link was on the run again and Dante was still sitting on the front porch, waiting to be allowed inside), all sitting quietly (if not a little packed) in the back seat. "Okay, here we go."
"Can we have ice cream?" Sephiroth asked, fluttering his lovely silver eyelashes.
Orin threw a hopeless glance over her shoulder, then turned back to Shadow. "You just wait here."
"Why can't I come with you guys?" the muse faked innocence almost too well.
"Because last time I almost got arrested for you're cart racing competitions." Orin answered calmly. It didn't matter that she had fully and completely joined in the festivities; it was still Shadow's bright idea in the first place. Hey, Orin took full responsibility for letting the muses into her head, but that's where it ended.
"Alright." Shadow sighed, giving in. "I'll be here."

Upon entering the store, there was a wide selection of carts. Sure they were all pretty much the same make and model, but an experienced shopper knows that they are all different, and all have some sort of deformity. It took twenty-seven tries to find a cart with no stuck or squeaky wheels, no sticky handle, and nothing gross crammed between the bars. That small task accomplished at least, they were off to shop.
It was amazingly calm and quiet for an evening shopping trip. Nice, but... too calm and quiet, and she knew that. As she grasped at a bunch of bananas, she turned back just in time to hear the unmistakable sound of Sephiroth's chuckle and Cloud's angry harumph. It seemed Sephy had picked up a pineapple and was making nonverbal comparisons. And so it begins... She was two seconds away from suggesting they start comparing bananas... but remembered they'd gotten kicked out of a store for that only weeks before. She still didn't know what the problem was; it wasn't like anyone had actually showed anything. Mothers can't keep their little girls stupid forever, after all. "Mishandling of the fruit" was their official written reason for being expelled. It still kind of made her feel warm and fuzzy all over.
She turned to the vegetables to get a sack of potatoes. As she picked a nice looking selection, Seifer announced clearly, "That's what Squall's conversation level is. About the same as a sack of potatoes." The boy to which the comments had been directed just glared.
Orin said nothing. She'd learned better than to try to get involved with things in the produce area. Instead, she led them to her favorite place: the coffee and tea aisle. Seeing what Vincent's hand was reaching for, she immediately challenged him in a low voice, "How dare you suggest anything but caffeineated Folgers?"
"I'm obviously suicidal." Vincent apologized, shakily placing the coffee back on the shelf as though he expected her to remove his other hand.

Meanwhile, outside the grocery store...

Shadow sits calmly in the front seat of the Dodge Intrepid, tapping her nails quietly against the steering wheel. She checks the rear view mirror to see that the other muses (and, most importantly, their ringleader) are completely busy and well away from the window before nonchalantly pulling a key out of her pocket. Sure Orin had taken the "official" car keys with her. But Shadow had taken precautions well ahead of time.
With a wry grin, the muse places the key in the ignition slowly and firmly, then turns it. Sure enough, the engine grumbles to life. Taking a moment to delicately belt herself in and put a tape in the player, she throws the car into reverse and peels out with barely a screech.

Meanwhile, back inside the grocery store...

"A cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton is fruit and cake." Cloud announced from behind her.
Orin regarded him with a long, blank expression. "How the hell do you know that? Those commercials haven't been on for years."
"Your husband recites commercials in his sleep." Sephiroth commented offhand, grabbing two bags of Oreos and placing them carefully in the child's seat of the cart.
She stared at the whole lot of muses, each one grabbing for different kinds of cookies. "You watch my husband when he's sleeping?"
Everyone falls into complete and utter silence, avoiding eye contact. Finally it is Squall of all people to speak up. "We don't have a lot to do when you're sleeping."
Another slightly stunned silence passed as Orin tried to make sense of the picture in her head. "So you stand at the end of the bed and stare at us?"
"Pretty much." Seifer admitted under his breath, digging for dark chocolate chips rather than milk chocolate.
She shook her head, grabbing for some Famous Amos and a box of Ritz crackers across the way. "People call me weird, but my muses are staring intently at me while I sleep."
"It's better than taking your stuff apart." Cloud suggested quietly, grabbing for the strawberry Newtons. Fig was just so passé.
"Is that why all of my Transformers were decapitated last week?"

Meanwhile, outside, in Orin's car...

An Intrepid skids in a sharp, high speed turn, fishtailing outward almost on the verge of losing control and spinning out entirely-but the driver is an uncertified expert. With a practiced turn of the wheel, the car is speeding in a straight line again. There was one siren, but that was left in the dust to sound more like a bird's song from a distance. Rounding another corner without slowing, the car narrowly avoids a mini van which would have deserved to get hit anyway considering how far over the stop line it crept during the red light. A power-charged roar of the engine only rockets the vehicle faster...

Meanwhile, safe inside the grocery store...

Vincent was digging into the back of the freezer for the proper brand of orange juice while Orin was trying to avoid a militant soccer mom, grasping several packages of vegetables before the woman could rip them away. The rest of the muses were huddled around the ice cream, trying to decide on one or two flavors without Rock, Paper, Scissors. That usually went on for hours, and they didn't have the time before the store closed.
"Hey." Cloud looked up suddenly with an idea. "Where's the alcohol in this place?"
"It's Stop and Shop, not Safeway." Orin responded. When the soccer mom gave her a holier than thou look of disgust, she answered with a demonic hiss "Fucking bitch." She commented lowly as the woman sprinted away. Must have been the joy of the season overwhelming her.

Meanwhile, in Orin's car, on a run from the law...

All four tires lose contact with the ground for an instant as the car crosses the railroad tracks at full speed. The driver only looks away from the road for a split second; to push the play button. Instantly the Dukes of Hazard chase music blasts from the speakers, bringing yet a wider smile to the driver's lips.
A police cruiser stops across the on-ramp. The Intrepid's driver only smiles brighter, gunning the engine and jerking to the side just in time to do a televisions tyle, mortally-impossible-without-a-ramp jump and roll, completely avoiding the cruiser and shooting over it, into the air. The car lands with a squeal and some sparks as it tears onto the highway...

Meanwhile, inside the grocery store...

"I don't really like that kind of toilet paper." Cloud whined at the third option Vincent held up.
"What the hell kind do you like?" the red-eyed muse began to get aggravated.
"I dunno. The soft kind." The blonde answered, looking away.
"This is the soft kind! As were the two others before!" Vincent threw the oversized roll of toilet paper into the paper towels-resulting in dozens of paper towel rolls shooting in every direction like some sort of paper product explosion, little ribbons of paper towel floating down from the ceiling.
Quietly, the two muses backed away, into another aisle.

Meanwhile, in Orin's car, on an exit ramp...

The right turn signal goes on three seconds before the actual turn-executed perfectly so as to avoid the police altogether. The driver smiles, her destination within sight...

Meanwhile, still inside the grocery store...

Seifer stood in front of the thousands of yogurts, arms wrapped around himself. He'd been standing there for ten minutes just trying to find one good yogurt. And Hyne knew why in the first place-he didn't even eat yogurt! What the hell?
"Hypnotized by the many colors on the yogurt packages again, huh?" Orin questioned nonchalantly, picking up some egg nog as she walked past. Without waiting for an answer, she turned and walked out along the "wall of meat". Beef, chicken, pork, fish... even ostrich.
She suddenly got an evil look on her face, grabbing one of the last packages with a picture on it. As Cloud walked up to her, curious to see what she was doing, she covered the name of the meat in the corner and shoved it toward him. "Look! It's chocobo!"
Cloud covered his mouth and screamed quietly, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Nooooooooooo!"
Squall walked by, looking bored as always. "It's ostrich. Like it was the five times before."
Orin stared at him quietly for ruining the joke so soon. Cloud hadn't even asked to see the manager yet. That was the best part. Asking a guy who didn't know what a chocobo was to stop selling it was becoming more fun by the week. Instead, the blonde ran off to sob silently by himself at the very idea.
"Get chicken." Squall suggested quietly.
Unable to help it, Orin looked at him, surprised. "You like chicken? You like anything?"
The normally icy boy looked a little timid all of a sudden. In a very quiet voice he murmured, "I like lemon chicken with that lemon cinnamon glaze stuff."
Shock. Very much shock. "Aw, Squally." She reached up and mussed his hair under heavy protest of his viciously searing eyes. "You're so precious."
He batted her hands away. In a distinctly childish tone, he added, "And I want a blueberry muffin."
The intercom suddenly interrupted with, "Will whoever is responsible for the man in black with the really big sword, please come and claim him? He's slicing the deli meat way too thin and threatening our staff."

Meanwhile, in Orin's car, tearing down the other side of the highway...

Task accomplished, the driver lets out a breath-but she is not in the clear yet. The police have caught on, and are starting to ride not that far behind. She bites her lip as one pulls up right next to her, coming close to blocking her exit. So, she stops. Simply, absolutely stops in the middle of the highway.
The police cars shoot past her. Other traffic is smart enough to avoid her, wonder of wonders. She throws it into reverse and instantly into drive again, taking her exit. She knows damn well she needs to be on time...

Meanwhile, in line at the grocery store...

Seifer was busy taking magazines off the rack, inspecting them, then putting them back in a half-assed fashion. He knew such an act would annoy people, and that was usually his goal.
Sephiroth hung his head, feeling dejected. Orin tried to perk him up with, "It's not your fault they slice the meat too thick." It hadn't worked.
Squall was nibbling at his muffin, that same hard look on his face that he always had. On the inside he was happy. Honestly.
Vincent was in the process of scaring a young girl that had wandered over by telling her what he had hidden under his cape was both scary and fascinating-but Orin put a quick stop to that. He explained, as the girl ran the other way, that he'd only meant to show her his claw. Secretly, Orin very much doubted that.
Cloud had his arms crossed, pouting. He was not happy with the toilet paper selection at all.
The woman ahead of them had started to insist all of a sudden that everything be double bagged, paper and plastic, and then put into her cart in a certain order, then required assistance to put them into her car in the same order, and possibly help putting it all away at home. The poor cashier nodded with each additional instruction, looking more and more like he was going to break into tears. Orin gave the order-Vincent had a Chaos moment. The less said about that, the better.
At long last, they were rung through. A bit on the pricey side, but there were muses with cookie needs to buy for. The cashier was obviously about to inquire about the chains Squall was wearing, but one look at their ringleader more or less told him it was better to shut up and smile.

Orin took a damn good look at the Intrepid as they walked out. It was in the same spot it had been. And there, stretched out in the driver's seat, was Shadow. Everything looked fine and dandy. Taking out the key, she popped the trunk and unlocked the doors.
Shadow waited patiently, glancing every so often in the mirror to see when they were approaching. She carefully pulled the tape out of the player and put it back in the compartment between the seats, then leaned back comfortably. Smooth as ever.
"Hey, sushi!" Cloud exclaimed, seeing several small plastic packages of the stuff that he was almost about to sit on.
"Yup." Shadow replied calmly.
Orin opened the driver side door and stared blankly at her closest, dearest muse. "And just where did you get it from?"
"The place across the street." She lied sweetly and in plain sight.
The blank stare continued for several more seconds. At last, in a mock disciplinary tone, Orin ordered, "Get in the passenger seat and duck out of sight. I'm driving home."
The muses in the back seat exchanged glances. They thought Shadow would have gotten a hell of a lot of Squall-quality glares, and at least one or two reprimands. But, that's why they used Shadow for their truly dirty work. She could get away with anything.

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Yeah, not much of a Christmas story, but the holiday season sort of brought this out of me. I'm such a cheery person, really. Especially when it comes to food shopping.