Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.
Set after Cell but before Buu.
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.
Warnings: Dunno.

A/n: And finally, after years, a new chapter. And yes, that H.E.L.L. worker in the beginning of this chapter is a self-insert –it's me.

"Ha-Ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating
But there are several other very important differences
Between human beings and animals that you should know about." –The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang

A Ticket Out of HFIL
Chapter Thirteen: Join the Club

"So, uh, what are you doing?" Jeice asked one of the workers nervously, still vividly remembering how they freaked out over the hole the contestants had made.

The worker pushed up her glasses. "We're finishing up on the H.E.L.L. House Fortress Project. We're currently putting the last touches on the incinerator Gohan-taicho requested."

Jeice sweatdropped, "Aa…I see. Good work, then. Carry on."

The Ginyu Force member slowly backed away before turning into a full-fledged run. The worker shrugged.

At the same time, Zarbon had just entered the Son house. He'd stolen Princess Snake's wrap, let his hair down, and stolen one of the Pan Hellion's dresses. Now, dressed in them, he was ready to make his move on Gohan.

He was the most handsomest, after all. It should be a piece of cake.

"Look, Junior, thanks for clearing things up and all, but you'll still make me feel like a pedophile," he heard Gohan say.

"I can't go back! I just can't go back!" Zarbon heard Garlic Jr.'s voice start freaking out.

'What the hell is he doing here?' he thought in annoyance. Thinking over what Gohan had just said, he figured Garlic Jr. finally cracked and told Gohan everything.

"You can sleep here if you want," Gohan offered anxiously. "Just don't cry!"

Indeed, Garlic Jr. was beginning to sob. And knowing his face was stuck in a smile, the crying looked very odd.

"I don't just want to get away from them! I don't want to go back to the Deadzone!"

Unfortunately, that set off another round of big tears from the miniature alien.

"Buzz off, brat! It's my turn!" Zarbon burst through the door, glaring.

Garlic Jr. and Gohan stared.

He coughed and put his chin up, eyes still glaring.

"I-is that my mother's clothing?" Gohan choked out.

Zarbon was about to answer when Chi Chi arrived, wielding her infamous pan and hazardously waving it around.

"You pervert! Give me back my clothes! And get away from my Gohan!"

Zarbon eeped and ran, Chi Chi chasing after him with the pan.

Gohan coughed. "Well, that was interesting."

Garlic Jr. stared, his mouth smiling but his eyes wide in disbelief.

Just then, a half-naked Harry appeared, dripping wet and stoic looking. Using the towel around his neck, he began drying his hair nonchalantly.

"So, what I'd miss?"

Gohan twitched, "One of those freaks came in dressed in my mom's clothing."

"Fascinating."

Mistaking Garlic Jr. as a child, Harry bent down to his level and grinned.

"Hey there, little guy! You wanna go out for some ice cream?"

At the prospect of ice cream, Garlic Jr. bit back his retort and nodded eagerly.

"Alright then. Hey, Gohan, I'm going to take him out for some ice cream. You wanna come with or are you busy?"

Gohan sighed, "I have to keep watch on the security project. Get something for me on the go, okay?"

Harry mock-saluted him and then grabbed Garlic Jr.'s hand, leading him out like a kid.

Gohan sighed again before heading outside and seeing Shenlong circling around in the air above his house. He'd actually been able to convince the dragon to guard his house except when he was called out to grant wishes. However, Harry had given Gohan a Hungarian Horntail dragon also, and Shenlong actually became jealous enough that he was guarding Gohan's house zealously.

"How are you doing, Shenlong?" he called out.

The wish-granting dragon grunted, still disgruntled over his 'competition'. Gohan sighed and went back inside. He ignored the commotion outside, where his mother was still chasing after Zarbon. Freiza caught sight of them and stood still, thinking. He might just steal Zarbon's idea…

"Rocky road," Harry handed Gohan his ice cream.

Garlic Jr. happily licked at his ice cream, and sat down near them.

"So, you're going to school soon?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. You coming too?"

Harry shrugged, "Sure."

"I'll need someone at school to keep me sane from all of these lunatics," Gohan sighed dramatically.

But when the week started, Gohan had to gape stupidly at his friend. His friend…was his new Homeroom teacher.

"Good morning class! I'll be your Homeroom teacher for the rest of the year. Just call me Harry," Harry waved cheerfully.

"Hello, Harry," the class intoned.

Harry got a scary look on his face, his glasses glinting menacingly.

"What was that?"

The entire class shivered as one.

"Hello, Harry!" they greeted more enthusiastically.

"Good, good! I look forward to teaching you all!" he smiled widely.

The door opened and everyone turned to who it was. Gohan almost gaped. There, in the doorway, stood Freiza in the girl's school uniform –the traditional sailor outfit –and wearing a purple cosplay hair wig.

It was worse than Zarbon's getup.

"Hi! I'm Freiza Nakamura and I'm a transfer student," Freiza squeaked out in a high voice, somewhat imitating a female's.

Gohan twitched. The day had gone to hell.

So that was basically how school started. And that was how the school got introduced to a variety of insane newcomers. Harry-sensei was obviously insane and at random times started talking about his plans to take over the world out of nowhere. The new student Freiza was just really freaky. And stalkerish. The girl kept stalking that new student Gohan, who they could add was very paranoid. And oddly domineering. And just plain scary.

It wasn't long until Gohan had created an in-school mafia.

Then again, was it really that hard to believe? He was Goku's son. Coincidentally, he was happily cheering on his boy from the Otherworld.

However, the contestants weren't all having a snazzy time. And unfortunately, it was trial number something something for Cell, who had decided on a more modern approach, after observing the culture of the youth in today's world.

When Gohan came home from school, he hadn't expected to see Cell nervously standing in front of his house (with Chi Chi watching like a shark from the house's front windows). The android was oddly wearing baggy clothing, pants that hung low with boxers up high, and a black hoodie and baseball cap set sideways. There were numerous medallions around Cell's neck, including a huge watch.

"Um, Cell," Gohan muttered. "What the hell?"

Cell cleared his throat and twitched once before he launched into his newest song.

"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now –"

Gohan twitched and was about to just walk pass the android, when Cell collapsed to a heap on the ground, Koola holding up a frying pan and yawning in boredom right behind him. Gohan only raised an eyebrow in question.

Koola shrugged, "I figure you're getting tired of us bursting into song and trying to get your attention that way. It's not working and it's getting old."

Gohan nodded in understanding, jerking his chin silently at his house. Koola nodded and stepped aside, holding his hands up to show he meant no harm. The Saiya-jin scrutinized his and his dad's former enemy closely, before shrugging himself and deciding it wasn't worth the brainpower to analyze the situation.

"I thought you would be doing something idiotic like the others," Gohan drawled.

Koola snickered, "Nah. Honestly, I'm just freakin' hungry. I wanna go out and eat some real food."

Gohan blinked, "Ah. You want to go out to eat some fastfood?"

"Sounds like heaven," the alien almost started drooling.

And that was the start of an odd friendship.

In fact, after that, Koola became like Gohan's best friend (aside from Harry, who beats out everyone just by being). Freiza's brother had just given up on the whole idea and was just happy to get food, be clean, and he found he actually honestly enjoyed Gohan's company. Ironic that giving up was what made him be closer to Gohan than the others.

Fate must laughing. Or Goku. Koola was pretty sure Goku is laughing at them all.

He had no idea just how correct he was. Or that Goku had company, sharing in the laughter.

In the meantime, he gazed in amusement at the Ginyu Gang (as he had taken to calling the Ginyu Force), as the group began earnestly and determinedly choreographing dance sequences while singing Nsync's Tearing Up My Heart.

"It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you!"

Catchy, that damn pop song. Koola snorted inwardly and made a mental note to tell this to Gohan for laughs. Harry would probably get a kick out of it too…

He burst out in laughter when at the end of the song, Jeice slid on his knees dramatically and posed. Boyband!Ginyu Force all turned to glare at him reproachfully.

"What's your problem, jerkoff?" Jeice sniffed.

For added measure, Cell was glaring over at him too, from his corner of their little hole. He still hadn't gotten over the frying pan knockout, reminiscent of Chi Chi's favorite method of attack.

Koola snickered, "Do you really think that's going to work? All you're going to do is make Gohan grimace. You guys look like idiots."

"Yeah? Well, I don't see you doing anything better!" Freiza joined in.

Koola just rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Keep looking up songs and making a fool out of yourselves. I'm going to go with Gohan to catch a movie."

Conveniently, he left out that Harry was coming too, just to mess with their heads.

He left and the rest gaped at him.

"Hell, this sucks. He didn't even do anything and he's in the lead!" Zarbon grumbled, eyes flashing in indignation. And all of his hard work –gone to waste!

"We have to try harder," Ginyu hissed at his team.

By trying harder, that meant more dedication and more work into their performance.

Zarbon preened and Freiza just glowered everywhere. But Cell had a calculating and thoughtful look on his face. Perhaps…he should change his tactics. If singing wasn't the route to take, then he had another idea up his sleeve that would be better than serenading someone who didn't want to be serenaded.

There was no way in hell he was going to go back to HFIL.

Back with Gohan, the scene was surprisingly more calm. Koola had just joined him and Harry, and they were off to the movie theater to watch an action movie. Needing to go to the bathroom, he skipped out for a few minutes and was on his way back when he was stopped by an unexpected person. His face paled and he stiffened up.

Now why was Brolly, of all people, there?

"Hello, Son Gohan," he murmured, smiling easily.

Gohan looked at him shrewdly, inwardly panicking and full of confusion. Even stranger was what Brolly was wearing, though his current calm and pleasant demeanor was just as off-putting. Brolly was wearing a gray two-piece business suit, with dark leather shoes to complement, and his hair pulled back and tied at the nape of his neck.

"Um, not to be rude," Gohan deadpanned, "But why are you here and why do you look like a businessman?"

Brolly gave another charming smile, running a hand smoothly down his front.

"Other than the tournament?" Brolly added honestly. "I actually do have a business here that I run," he stuck to Goku's game plan and story. "I just wanted to take a break for awhile before going back and getting more things done."

Gohan nodded unsurely.

Brolly acting this way and being here at all was just really weird and strange. But he was actually kind of cool…

Gohan blushed, twitching at his thoughts. Brolly noticed, but didn't outwardly show anything. The plan was going very smoothly.

"This is really bizarre, you know," Gohan squinted at him.

"Yes, I know," Brolly smiled gently. "Are you busy tonight? I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you have no plans?"

"Uh…yeah…sure…" Gohan didn't think about his answer until he realized what he said and had agreed to.

"Brilliant. I'll meet you at your house," Brolly beamed.

A telltale unconscious blush said volumes, and Gohan just scurried off. Brolly smiled a shark-like smile as a cult of saiya-jins crowed in triumph and hooted and hollered in their first victory.

Started 8/29/09 –Completed 9/3/10

A/n: Yep, I read some chapters back and they still have some typos and stuff. Bleh, I'm too lazy to go back and change them. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and don't forget to review! Thank you guys!