Must. Resist. Fangirl. Japanese.

.

.

.

Title: Oddity

Author: Sandra

Category: Humor, romance, yadda, blah, moo.

Spoilers: Yep. Please note that this is a slight AU, especially where Miroku's past is concerned. No whining, now.

Rating: R, because Miroku is a naughty little boy.

Summary: Exhausted by exams, Kagome puts herself in a compromising situation. Fortunately, our favorite monk would never, ever, take advant... oh, my God, Kagome, run!

Disclaimer: Me no speak a da English. But if, by chance, I did, I'd say that I own nothing except a Harry Potter pencil. And it's not even a very good pencil. It's crap. I tried to sharpen it in math, and it broke. It's a broken pencil.

Author's Note: I know. Juvenile. But, in my defense, so is the show.

Feedback: Well, duh.

Etc: I couldn't decide which story to update. So. Compromise. New story. Um.

Setting: Early. Around Episode 17. Post-Kikyou, pre-Sango.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

There were two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one was particularly successful, so Miroku, the delinquent monk, decided to sip his tea in silence.

Higurashi Kagome, with her cheeks flushed and her hair tousled, was staring at him. Miroku continued to drink calmly, one bushy eyebrow arched ever so slightly.

An incredulous whimper rolled off Kagome's lips.

Miroku stared at his fingers intently.

"You—you pervert!" she shrieked suddenly, her eyes narrowing to tiny, furious slits.

Somewhere in the distance, a half-demon tumbled to the ground, his dog ears perking up.

Miroku looked entirely too innocent.

"Kagome-sama," he began sweetly, "I meant no disrespect. There was simply a... piece of, er... grass tarnishing your, uh, kimono, and I felt compelled to remove it."

Kagome balled up her little fists. A threatening scowl marred her pretty face, but she remained more or less incoherent.

Miroku hid a grin.

Kagome eyed a pair of chopsticks with an odd (and slightly disturbing) expression, then, to Miroku's surprise, screamed, "Inuyasha!"

Eek.

Half a second later, a blur of red sailed past Miroku, brandishing a shiny sword and baring its fangs.

Kuso.

"What the hell IS it, wench?" Inuyasha snarled, pointing his sword at Kagome.

Kagome swallowed hard. "Um, nothing?"

Miroku relaxed.

Inuyasha, on the other hand, growled and poked Kagome's shoulder. Kagome's little kimono, which should have been practically illegal as it was as inappropriate as a fat geisha, rode up a little higher on her thigh. Miroku did his best to ignore this new development.

Unfortunately, Kagome scooted closer.

"Well, no, actually, there is this one tiny little thing," she said with more confidence. She batted her eyelashes, and Miroku prayed his death would be quick and painless. Though, knowing Inuyasha, even that concept didn't quite appeal.

Impatiently, Inuyasha tapped his foot.

"Inuyasha," said Miroku quickly, "Kagome just, er, wanted your opinion on..."

Damn it. Think, think.

Kagome shot him an offended glance, crossing her arms. She opened her mouth, looked at a bloodthirsty Inuyasha, then sighed and closed her mouth. Her expression softened as she said, "...On, um, this—" here, she looked around frantically. "Oh! This here... what is this?"

"...that's rice, you stupid girl!" hollered Inuyasha.

Shippou, who'd been curled up in a darkened corner, napping peacefully, jumped up. He rubbed his little eyes, and yawned adorably. And then he said something that must've impressed even Inuyasha (though he certainly didn't seem appreciative as he bonked the little kitsune over the head).

Soon, Inuyasha was chasing Shippou, stepping all over their dinner, and Kagome was glaring at Miroku.

Um.

"Fix it," she whispered pointedly.

Miroku blinked. "What?"

"You started it," she said.

"You're the one who called him."

"But you—groped—and—my—ooh!"

A small grin tugged at the corners of his lips.

Kagome bristled. "Just fix it."

"Why should I?" asked Miroku very, very innocently. A smirk played about his features.

Kagome blinked. And blinked again. Then blinked some more. "Because... I said so?"

Shippou cried out.

Inuyasha cackled maniacally.

The shack trembled.

Miroku gave a calm shrug. "Somehow, I'm not very motivated."

Kagome's jaw all but dropped. She glanced over at him, then at the destruction the hanyou was causing, then back at Miroku.

"SIT!" she yelled. Obediently, Inuyasha dropped to the ground, tumbling out of the room and burying his face in a puddle of mud.

"OW! BITCH! When I get my hands on—" he roared.

Kagome bit her lip.

Miroku found it endearing.

"I'll make you a deal, Miroku-sama," she sighed, then glanced over her shoulder. "SIT! Sit, sit, sit!"

"KUSO! I hate you! And when I get up I'm going to—"

"If you fix it, Miroku-sama," Kagome mumbled, "I'll get us out of here. To—to somewhere nicer."

"—tear off your stupid LIMBS and BEAT you with the wet end and—"

Several pink spots appeared on her cheeks, and Miroku grinned. "Ano, Kagome-chan, if I fix it, wouldn't I be getting us out of here? Technically, of course."

Her blush was gone, only to be replaced by a rising flush of anger.

"I should really ask Kaede-baachan for another necklace," she said pointedly.

Unfortunately, Miroku found the concept oddly—pleasing.

A chill ran down his spine.

He snuck a peek at her.

She looked sleepy. Exhausted, even. Her arms were raised, her fingers massaging her temples (which, Miroku noticed, caused the fabric of her tiny kimono to bunch up in the most delicious of places), and she seemed unusually tense.

Miroku raised an eyebrow.

"—and then I'm going to rip out HIS bowels and—"

"Please? I'm too tired to deal with this," she whimpered. "I've had three exams this morning. Three."

Miroku raised an eyebrow.

"And one was on allylic rearrangement. Allylic rearrangement, Miroku-sama."

Miroku was staring at her lips.

Shiny.

"And I'm pretty sure my psychology professor thinks I'm insane because I was so tired I signed my name as Kikyou," she babbled, "and—SIT, Inuyasha!—he's going to think I either wanted to cheat, or that I'm having Freudian issues, neither of which will help me pass the—"

She had nice hair, Miroku noted.

Bouncy. And silky.

"And hypotenuse? I thought that was a hippopotamus demon. The Pythagorean theorem will never be the same."

And her breasts—

"So..." she took a deep breath, giving him a pleading look.

Miroku observed her for a moment.

"Mnh, all right," he said finally. "I ask only a simple favor in return."

Kagome looked at him suspiciously. "...My mother doesn't want grandchildren yet."

Miroku couldn't help but grin brilliantly.

Then, he frowned melodramatically. "You see, my—"

"SIT!"

"—ugly—kill—wench—"

Miroku scooted closer. Shippou scurried past them, running off to jump on Inuyasha's head while he still could.

"Go on," said Kagome worriedly. She stood up warily, and watched for signs of danger.

Urp.

"Thank you, Kagome...chan," Miroku smiled distractedly. Now that she was standing up, towering above him—

Oh. Hey. If he moved three inches to the left, he could—yes, there we go. The view was spectacular. Her ankles seemed smooth and shiny. His gaze traveled upwards slowly. She had a small scar under her right knee.

And... pink undergarments.

Now, if only she would lean over just a little bit more—

"I... eeh."

"What's wrong, Mi—SIT!"

Wrong? Oh, nothing. Just don't look at my robes. Or face. Or lap. Or, at all.

When Kagome finally sat down again, Miroku pasted his patented nonchalant expression back on his flushed face.

"All I ask," he began conversationally, "is that you accompany me to a village just north of here."

Kagome blinked. "That's it? Weren't we going there anyway?" Relief swept across her features, so Miroku moved closer.

"Yes, I believe we were. However, I need you to go alone," he replied coolly. "With me."

Kagome raised her eyebrows in confusion, tugging on her sleeves nervously. "Alone? What? Why? Alone?"

"Four valid questions," smirked Miroku. Off of Kagome's blank stare, he added, "My mother lives there."

Kagome was silent for a long moment.

"And...?" she asked.

Miroku inched closer, almost pouting. "And... she worries."

Kagome eyed him skeptically, so he continued. "About my kazaana," he said simply.

"Oh," sighed Kagome softly. Her fingers reached out to touch his hand comfortingly when—

"Wait," she frowned. "Why do you need me to go alone with you?"

Miroku shifted uneasily.

Kagome waited. And waited. Then waited some more.

"Miroku-sama?"

"I need her to believe I've taken care of my future," he said quietly, trying to bite back a grin.

Kagome looked at him rather innocently.

Darn.

Now he was having second thoughts.

But her tiny kimono was fluttering under a slight breeze, tempting him with little glimpses of creamy skin, so he whispered, feigning anguish, "She has to believe I've chosen a wife to bear me a son, one who will continue to fight this curse should I fail."

...according to the rule he'd just made up.

Kagome squeaked a little, then stared at him with wide eyes. "And, um, you need me to, um, pretend—"

"Only for a few days, Kagome-sama," he said sweetly.

Kagome whimpered. "I'm not that tired."

"Wench!" came an enraged snarl somewhere behind them.

Inuyasha, his face dirty, stood over them, shaking with rage.

A small, frightened, "Eep!" rolled off Kagome's lips.

"Inuyasha!" said Miroku valiantly. "I've heard of a rumor," he continued quickly. "Supposedly, there is a shard of the Shikon in a small village to the south."

A clump of dirt slid off Inuyasha, plopping to the ground, but he seemed to be listening. Shippou poked his head back in. Kagome sat with her hands in her lap, looking pensive and a tiny bit intrigued.

"Go on, monk," said Inuyasha through gritted teeth.

"Right then," Miroku cleared his throat. Think, damn it. "The only problem is, that village? Humans aren't welcome."

Kagome coughed uncomfortably.

Inuyasha, however, seemed to consider this. "Finally, a smart village."

Kagome pouted. Miroku tried not to look offended.

"Well, I'm not going if Kagome's not going!" grumbled Shippou. He quickly crossed the room, and snuggled into Kagome's lap, looking at her with an almost reverent expression.

Kuso, thought Miroku.

"FEH. Who needs you anyway?" scoffed Inuyasha, crossing his arms. Shippou stuck out his tongue. Miroku drank some more.

Kagome, for her part, was strangely quiet.

"And... how far away is this village, Miroku-sama?" she asked eventually, deep in thought.

"Oh... about a day," replied Miroku. "Oh! I meant... um, four."

"Feh. I can do it in two," grumbled Inuyasha. "Hell, without you worthless humans, I bet I can make it in one. No, wait. An hour."

Everyone ignored him.

Shippou snuggled closer, playing with Kagome's little red necktie. Miroku shot him a death glare.

Lucky brat.

Kagome bit her lip, exchanging glances with a scheming Miroku. "So... Inuyasha would have to travel south and we would...?"

"Head north, until Inuyasha and Shippou catch up with us."

"I'm NOT leaving Kagome!" grumbled the little kitsune.

"And I'm not taking the little brat!"

Miroku sighed. Mataka.

Suddenly, Kagome yawned. All eyes turned to her.

"Gomen," she mumbled sheepishly. "I—never mind."

"So, it's settled!" Miroku all but clapped his hands. "Kagome-sama and I will—"

"And me!"

Sigh.

"And Shippou will wait for Inuyasha in the village up north. With any luck, we will have two more shards by the end of the week. A... productive week, dare I say!"

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Inuyasha seemed much calmer. Compared to a few minutes ago, when Miroku was seriously considering ripping off his protective beads and—

Miroku glanced over at Kagome to see whether she was impressed by his diplomacy, but—

Twitch, twitch.

She was leaning against a wall, her eyes closed. Her lips parted softly, thin fingers running through Shippou's tangled hair.

I should really start hating that kid.

Miroku was busy watching the soft rise and fall of her chest when she suddenly stirred slightly. Shippou rolled off her lap, and she curled up, turning her, er... back to Inuyasha.

Quickly, Miroku arranged his features into an innocent expression, then glanced at Inuyasha. Inuyasha seemed slightly flushed as he snapped his head around.

"I wasn't looking!" he said quickly.

"No. Of course not. Me neither," replied Miroku calmly.

"Looking at what?" asked Shippou, tilting his little head.

Inuyasha drop-kicked him into the next century.

Unk.

"So... good night, Inuyasha," said Miroku anxiously.

Go on. Get out. Leave. Leave.

"Don't even think about it, monk," replied Inuyasha sourly. "I'm not leaving you in the same room with my shard detector."

Bah.

"Leave me with what and hmm?" mumbled Kagome. She stretched languorously, looking at them through thick, dark eyelashes.

Miroku watched her with a goofy grin, his eyes glazing over.

"Feh, stupid girl," was all Inuyasha could manage.

Kagome looked around, then smiled cheerily. "Oh! Don't worry, Inuyasha, I'll just finish my, um, tea, and go to my own, er, quarters?"

"Idiot wench! I'm not worrying, because I—I don't like you!" growled Inuyasha, then stalked out furiously.

An awkward moment followed. Miroku shifted uncomfortably. Kagome was looking intently at the ground.

"Okay," she said suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"I'll help you."

Miroku grinned.

"I don't approve of you lying to Inuyasha, but I... don't want to think about your mother having to worry."

Miroku's grin grew.

"Besides, I need to study, and I guess I can do that at your village."

"Oh, certainly," lied Miroku, then scooted closer. "Thank you, Kagome-sama," he said as sincerely as he could.

Her cheeks were pink, but she managed to mutter, "Don't mention it," before leaning against the wall again.

Miroku shifted until he was right next to her, their knees almost touching.

And... she wasn't leaving?

Which was a good thing. With interesting ideas attached to it. Improper, too.

Miroku raised an amused eyebrow.

Maybe she wanted to read him a story, like she often did for Shippou?

Only, by read, Miroku meant kiss. And by story, he meant... bed.

Kagome yawned, quite ungracefully.

"Gomen," she mumbled. "I've had a long week."

Long. Uh huh.

Miroku nodded sympathetically. His fingers itched.

"It's just so hard sometimes, you know?" Kagome sighed.

Hard. Certainly.

"Hai," muttered Miroku, watching her lips move.

Pretty lips.

"I wish we could collect those shards faster and—"

Faster. Yes. Good plan.

"My grandfather's running out of excuses already, and I—" Kagome was saying, but Miroku wasn't quite listening.

She was leaning against his shoulder, practically mumbling into his chest. She was definitively trying to entice him.

He was going for indifferent innocence... no, wait. Indifferent interest. No, wait. Kagome's thigh.

Just as his fingers were about to brush against her skin, Kagome yawned. She seemed on the verge of sleep.

Which... must have been a ruse. She couldn't fall asleep now that they were finally alone. It would be... unfair. And frustrating. And possibly dangerous.

Miroku wrinkled his nose. "Ano, Kagome-chan...?" he inquired softly.

Kagome looked up at him through thick eyelashes. "Hai?" A sleepy smile tugged at her lips.

Sigh.

Ne, maybe he was imagining it. It was hardly possible for a female to resist this Miroku, but perhaps this Kagome was—entirely too innocent? Pure and sweet like the morning dew. Chaste as—

She stretched. Luxuriously. Arms up, high above her head. A small sigh escaped her parted lips.

Miroku twitched violently.

—perhaps not.

This wouldn't do. At all. If she wasn't trying to seduce him, well, he just wouldn't—

Her small sigh melted into a moan as she arched backward.

And there goes her chest, he thought numbly. Right, then.

The scent of black tea and white jasmine lingered in the air, rich and sweet and yes, it was so very obvious now. Higurashi Kagome wanted him, the furyou houshi. Badly.

And this houshi was nothing if not generous. Why, he would not—could not—refuse a beautiful woman in need. Especially if that need happened to coincide with his own. Really, it was all very noble. And selfless. And for the good of humankind. And puppies and babies.

He poked her lightly.

Nothing.

She's sleeping, he thought with glee. In my lap.

A tiny grin quirked the corners of his lips upwards.

Feeling noble, he tucked his fingers as far away from temptation as humanly possible, then leaned back smugly.

What did it matter if she slept now?

He'd have her all to himself for days.

And in such a cozy environment, Higurashi Kagome would be hard pressed not to confess her burning desire for Miroku.

After all, what woman wouldn't?

.

.

.

.

.

Kagome: You're delusional.

Miroku: Yes, that's why you fell asleep in my lap. My lap.

Kagome: ...Touch me and die, monk.

Miroku: What? No, no. I was promised touching. Among other things.

Kagome: I... I quit!