The Part With the DISCLAIMER: To add to the disclaimer at the top of #1 and on, I don't own Viagra (I think that's how it's spelled :/) And I do not own the song "In the Navy" by the Village People (I *think*)
The Part Where we THANK everyone ...
To Everyone: Wow, finally the final chapter. A long time ago I said it'd be done by Christmas 2003 . . . technically it was, but for reasons untold after a 4 month . . . we'll call it a vacation, I had a lot of time to rethink it, in all honesty I'm not comfortable with this at all (you'll probably say it's the best chapter yet) this ending (chapter in general, not just the actual ending) disturbed me (So why did I write it?) But you fans (or haters) have waited too long for me to put off posting it any longer in favor of a better one, so thanks for everything and enjoy this final chapter.
SeekDeath ~ My main regret is that it took so long to get *this* wonderful and twisted chapter up. Simply ridiculous, took me far too long, I'm so lazy, so very lazy. Although it *was* finished by christmas. You and everyone else have my apology, but I'm not giving anyone any money so just forget it! Oh and thanks for your review, enjoy the ending of this traumatic story, even if it is so very late.
Gethmane8 (too lazy to log in) ~ It's great to hear that my humor causes people pain . . . I'm not sure why, but it's great to know. Enjoy the ending, and don't die laughing, I grow quite concerned, though I hope it stil is painfully funny, I don't want to kill my readers here (until after they've reviewed that is) be careful, so I wont be charged for murder by fiction =P
Sharon LeGrant ~ Well Kasumi is one of my favorite characters (maybe I can get her to go out with me, what do you think? Have I got a chance, or do I have to have Tofu assassinated first? Oh wait, she's not real . . . curses!) I love giving her an insane side, after all she (and most everyone in Ranma 1/2) puts up with you'd think she'd take a chainsaw to a few people. Anyone can write Kasumi in character, however only a real amateur like me can make her totally nuts! And yes, this is too funny for normal humans to come up with, but luckily I'm quite insane. Enjoy!
Kyryal-Neko ~ I'm not sure if you mean that in a good or bad way. If good, you obviously have good taste (yeah I know, I'm so conceited *_*), if not then I suppose I can only hope the final chapter is an improvement. To tell the truth my beta-reader said this story was offensive from chapter one, and promised to flame if I did put it up, but she never got around to it (shrugs)
Mkitty chan ~ Alas, Ryoga was under the influence of several powerful aphrodisiacs. Also I was trying to illustrate his exclusive interest in Nabiki, despite overwhelming temptation, or something like that. And I think I was tired at the time. And trying to make a self-imposed deadline (which obviously for better or *worse* I don't do anymore =P). . . hope he's better in the final chapter.
Choco ~ Relax, it will continue with the ultimate climax (no pun intended) that no one expected, but really should have. Enjoy this chapter, for as per your request it is continued. And when it's over, remember that . . . ah I've got no words of wisdom, it's just over -_-
P-chan ~ Yes, well you're welcome, I like this story too. Of course Ryoga is confused, any guy would be. That's because when a guy holds illusions that he's eventually gonna earn someone's love, and marry them and whatnot, only to suddenly find himself at the mercy of his uncontrolled subconscious, and shortly thereafter losing his virginity to his rival's future sister-in-law, and not minding it at all, well he becomes rather confused, it's completely natural ^_^
Crastal Diamond ~ I love it too! The evil, the hot chocolate, the sex, the couple, did I mention the hot chocolate? I drank a lot of hot chocolate while I wrote this, it gave me strange powers, stand still and I'll set your hair on fire . . . wait that wouldn't be nice. Okay, I'll go set someone else's hair on fire. _ (I'm concentrating . . .)
The Most Horrible Christmas Ever!
Well it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, some time has passed, and things are no better than they were before. Tofu is now a proud member of the navy . . . interestingly enough, he's a member of the British Navy. How did that happen? Only Nabiki knows.
Ryoga sat next to Ranma, trying to keep his gaze off Nabiki, something he'd never had a problem doing before they became lovers. Likewise Nabiki was standing behind Akane, trying to ignore Ryoga's very existence, something that had come naturally to her when he was just another of Ranma's silly friends.
Kasumi sat next to Nodoka with a mug of normal-though definitely less delicious-hot chocolate, rolling her eyes at the two of them.
Everyone but Ranma and father knew Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping together by now, still the two were determined to pretend nothing was going on. Kasumi humored them, only because Ryoga had promised not to mention to anyone how she went nuts and snuck away to Vegas to get married to Kodachi.
A marriage that was, luckily-or unluckily-considered legal only in the state of Nevada, and even there, loosely.
Interestingly enough Kodachi had been all for it, even though she hadn't had any more of the chocolate.
Regardless, those with intelligence had different reactions, Kasumi humored them, and did her best to make sure they didn't have sex too often, in a mad attempt to keep Nabiki from getting pregnant. Akane refused to believe Nabiki had truly fallen in love with Ryoga, was determined to prove it was a scam, and pointed out at almost every opportunity how shocked she was at just how far Nabiki was willing to go for a scam, and was constantly badgering ever oblivious Ranma, demanding to know whether or not he'd had sex with Nabiki back when she'd pretended to be in love with him.
Genma didn't seem to care at all, insisting that if they were in love it was their business, if Nabiki was just using Ryoga, it just sucked to be him, and if they were-like most young adults-simply having sex for the sake of having sex, who gave a flying fudge?
Nodoka always described her feelings with the same quote: "Sometimes the forbidden fruit must be tasted, it is perfectly all right for a woman to have sex with her husband's friend-er her brother-in-law's friend, provided they use proper protection, sign a contract beforehand promising never to speak of the event, and most importantly love each other."
Kasumi sensed that Nodoka's words had some hidden meaning.
Ukyo had said that, while she didn't care if Nabiki and Ryoga were "screwing around", she was rather annoyed that Ryoga had "foolishly" given up his quest for Akane, since that meant that Ranma's competition for Akane's love now fell almost exclusively to Tatewaki Kuno, the odds of him losing had dropped by point one percent.
Shampoo and Moose were busy trying to pretend that their strange love adventure had never happened. The fact that Moose had somehow gotten pregnant didn't help, of course in a fit of logic reality decided that it didn't like the idea, or implications of a pregnant man, and so instead Shampoo became pregnant.
Reality was obviously sexist.
"I's nearly Christmas! Now, who wants to sing?" Soun asked.
"Oh, we really don't need to-" Nodoka began, but she was cut off by the barrage . . .
"Jangle Bell, Jangle Bell, Jangle in the way-"
"I'm thinking of a green Christmas-"
"Oh cell-phone fee, oh cell-phone fee, how depressed doth thou make me. . ."
"Uh . . . maybe we should try to agree on *one* song?" Ryoga offered. "And we don't let Ranma, Akane or Mr. Tendo sing."
"Hey, my song was great!" Ranma cried.
"You made it up off the top of your head." Ryoga scoffed.
"Yes, but Ranma has a singing carier behind her . . . him . . . whatever. Let's see an amateur like you do better." Nabiki winked.
"Oh, you don't want me to do that." Ryoga said.
"I would love to hear whatever sort of song you can make up." Kasumi smiled encouragement.
Ryoga gulped, thinking for a moment.
"Okay. Uh . . . here it goes . . . Ranma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from my house Christmas eve, the best present I could get from santa, was to watch Ranma Saotome lie and bleed."
"That's terrible!" Nodoka cried.
"Although it was rather creative," Kasumi said "it was utterly morbid."
"It was morbid, and terrible!" Soun cried.
"What on earth is wrong with you? I know you hate Ranma honey, but-" Ukyo began.
"What is wrong with you people?" Ranma demanded. "That was GREAT!"
"It was?" Ryoga blinked.
"Yes, that was . . . Ryoga, if you can pop out songs like that-"
"We could be rich!" Nabiki gasped.
"Exactly!" Ranma agreed.
"Get real," Ryoga scoffed. "It's no skill. I just came up with something that appealed to me."
"And it'd appeal to other people too, lots of people dont like me, like Kuno, and Gosunkugi! You gotta go into business!" Ranma cried.
"Never! I dont need fame, all I desire in life is your demise Ranma!" Ryoga cried dramatically.
"If you say so." Ranma shrugged. "There goes my chance to get rich off someone else's hard work."
"What makes you think I'd share my money?" Ryoga asked.
"Are you kidding? If you wrote a song about me and didn't give me a cut, I'd sue your bandanna off." Ranma laughed.
Kasumi shook her head. "Why don't we all sing Jingle Bells, provided that Akane can get the words right?"
"Okay, but it wasn't me that screwed it up, that was Ranma." Akane said.
"Really? I didn't notice a difference in your singing voices." Kasumi said.
"That's just weird, you usually sing so . . . uh . . . nicely Akane." Nabiki said.
"Really?" Akane asked.
"Sure . . . uh . . . even better than me." Nabiki said.
"No argument there." Ranma scoffed.
"Got that right." Ryoga said.
"Hey!" Nabiki protested.
Ryoga's lips brushed gently across Nabiki's neck, she trembled slightly, and whispered "Don't do that, we could get caught."
"Who cares?" He shrugged. He couldn't help it, he had to kiss this girl. She leaned back against him and held his hand, this was something they didn't often do, something that they really couldn't do.
Nabiki had decided to keep their relationship a secret. As such, displays of affection were rare for the two, really Ryoga wondered if there was anything to the relationship besides sex.
When she kissed him again, he decided he wouldn't really mind if there wasn't.
"Hey, Ryoga!" Ranma cried, Ryoga and Nabiki separated themselves quickly.
"What is it Ranma?" Ryoga scowled, feeling strangely cranky.
"I need your help with something." Ranma said, giving him and Nabiki a weird look.
"This had better be good." Ryoga grumbled. "What do you need?"
"Come over here," Ranma whispered, Ryoga went over, Ranma grabbed him and whispered "Alright man, here's the way things are, I need to get someone the perfect gift, and I don't know what that is."
"You want me to tell you what the perfect gift is?" Ryoga blinked. "I don't even know! The first thing that comes to mind is world peace, but then the world gets over populated, and besides, mankind is meant to be constantly combative, it's in our nature to fight over the most trivial things, like you and me, not that my curse is at all trivial . . ." Ryoga said thoughtfully.
"Screw your curse! What would Akane want with world peace?" Ranma cried, Ryoga raised an eyebrow. "I mean . . . ah Akane and everyone else in the world . . ."
"I get it." Ryoga said. "You want to get Akane something good, and don't have any idea what that is, so you want to ask me, knowing that what I tell you will be a poor judgement, so you'll know exactly what not to get her!"
"What? No, you idiot!" Ranma cried. "You're her pet, if anyone knows what she wants, it's you! Tell me what she wants, I get it, you piggyback on the card--no pun intended P-Chan--and we both score points!"
"But I don't know what she wants." Ryoga said.
"Do you know where her diary is?" Ranma asked, a sly twinkle in his eye.
"Uh . . . no." Ryoga said nervously.
"Well that's okay . . . because no one would ever suspect a little black piglet of trying to find a diary!" Ranma laughed maniacally, splashing Ryoga with a bucked of cold water that he seemed to materialize out of nowhere.
'I should have expected you to do something like this.' Ryoga thought.
Ranma took Ryoga to Akane's room, very stealthily, he even got himself wet with cold water, and disguised himself as a young tourist woman.
How that'd help him sneak P-Chan into Akane's room was a mystery to Ryoga, but Ranma did it anyway, and then snuck to Akane's room, humming a spy movie theme. Ranko pulled an imaginary pin out of P-Chan's ear, and tossed him into Akane's room like a grenade.
The little pig blinked. 'Well, okay, in his way Ranma is trying to do something nice for someone else, I suppose I should encourage him.' Ryoga thought. 'Then, when he lets his guard down, I'll kill him!' It would be a while before he found his way out from under Akane's bed.
Kasumi frowned when she found Nabiki leaned over the sink the next morning. "Are you washing dishes?" She demanded. "That's my job! If someone else does it, I'd have time to relax, or worse . . . date." Kasumi shuddered.
"Uh? No, I wasn't washing anything, I swear!" Nabiki cried.
Kasumi scratched her head. "Nabiki, are you alright?"
"Yes, yes of course, I'm fine!"
"Are you certain?'
"Yes! Ugh-" She moaned and suddenly she hurled into the sink.
"Why is it always the sink?" Kasumi cried.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Nabiki cried.
"This is the third time I've caught you doing this, it's not a very welcomed 'good morning'."
Nabiki shrugged, and went back to vomiting.
"Are you alright?" Kasumi asked.
'You asked me that already." Nabiki groaned.
"I think it all but begs to be re-asked." Kasumi admitted. "You're sick?"
"I guess so." Nabiki grunted.
"I think you need to see a doctor." Kasumi said.
"Lay off, I'm fine." Nabiki scowled. "I feel better already."
"Yeah, right." Kasumi sighed. "But if it happens again . . . don't use the sink."
Nabiki smiled lamely. "I'll try."
"I'm not asking, I'm warning you, do it again and I'll make you eat it like a dog." Kasumi joked, but Nabiki seemed to take her seriously.
"I'll . . . uh . . . try to remember that." Nabiki said, eyes wide. Kasumi smiled and went to work cleaning the sink.
Then something occurred to her. "Nabiki!" She gasped, "You don't do it . . . raw, do you?"
"Raw? What're you, American? Who uses such disgusting slang?"
"Answer the question!"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Nabiki said casually, leaving.
Kasumi frowned. "Oh my . . . is it wrong to wish sickness upon your sister?" She wondered.
Nabiki scowled and fell onto her bed. Where had Ryoga gone to? Ranma claimed ignorance, and while she usually doubted that he knew anything about anything, this time she felt he knew something. After all, it'd been him that lured Ryoga away from her.
Of course if she seemed too interested in Ryoga's whereabouts someone might figure out that she cared about Ryoga, and that, the middle Tendo simply would not tolerate. They could *suspect* all they wanted for now, they had no proof!
She felt terribly ill, and at the back of her mind a little voice insisted it knew why. She'd been trying to ignore it for some time.
"Nabiki?" Kasumi asked.
"Nabiki, do you need to see a doctor?"
"Heck no." Nabiki scoffed.
"You must be really sick, Nabiki . . . or it's crack . . . is it crack?"
"No! I'm fine!"
"You may have the flu . . . or a cold . . . or pneumonia . . . or appendicitis."
"I don't have any of that." Nabiki growled. "Except maybe the cold . . . yeah, I must have a cold! I'll be fine."
"I just thought it was dad who was throwing up every morning."
"He was, it was something like a bonding experience for us." Nabiki said. "He grounded me, but seemed strangely proud when I told him I'd taken up drinking."
"I was wondering why you were grounded. Have you really taken up drinking?" Kasumi raised an eyebrow.
"Heck no, but you think I want him to know I'm . . . possibly . . . uh . . ."
"Say it. Go on, it starts with a 'P'." Kasumi said with an odd mixture of an expectant grin and a hateful scowl.
"That I . . . might be . . . contagious, he'd make me use the sink."
"But you did use the sink. Three times." Kasumi pointed out.
"Yeah, well those times it snuck up on me." Nabiki said.
"Nabiki . . . I'm not an idiot. Tell me the truth."
Nabiki struggled to think of something to say. But that Nabiki Tendo was so smart, and so slick, she thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick. "That I have an eating disorder, my dear sister, it is quite unhealthy, my throat is beginning to blister." Nabiki said.
"But that is quite bad, and it will make our dear father sad." Kasumi said.
"Nothing can upset our father, dear, so long as we make sure he's got enough beer." Nabiki said. She paused. "Are we speaking in rhyme?"
"Have been for some time."
"Well it has to stop."
"Yes, I should mop." Kasumi agreed.
"Uuurg! Stop, this is torture, and I've had enough!"
"Tell me the truth, or I'll rhyme out more stuff." Kasumi said.
"Alright, I don't have an eating disorder, I might have the flu, maybe appendicitis, it feels like I've got the plauge, and if you rhyme just one more verse I'll tell everyone that you get high off of the scent of your disinfectant spray!"
"Come now Nabiki, I'm your big sister, you know you can tell me anything, you can trust me . . ." Kasumi said.
Nabiki frowned, looking at her older sister she decided maybe it was true. "Well Kasumi, you *have* been pretty straight with me over the years, I guess you can be trusted . . . but uh . . . really, there's nothing to tell." Nabiki decided that maybe seeming trustworthy was some big sister trick! After all, she did it to Akane all the time. She couldnt go out and admit to what Kasumi was suspecting, there were too many reasons why that'd be bad, besides if she said it it might become true . . . not that denying it would make it untrue . . . gosh life can be confusing . . .
"Nabiki, I know it's embarrassing, but have you had your-"
"No, it's just a little late, that's all." Nabiki scoffed.
"How late?" Kasumi raised an eyebrow.
"Well . . . uh . . . pretty late . . ." Nabiki admitted.
"My little sister . . . is . . . you're . . . you're . . ." Kasumi wept.
"I am not!" Nabiki cried. "Get away from me, don't cry all over me!"
"Does Ryoga know?" Kasumi asked, shaking Nabiki back and forth.
"There's nothing for him to know!" Nabiki squeaked.
"Let's find out for sure!"
"Find out what?" Nabiki demanded.
"I think you know." Kasumi smiled.
"Curse your mind tricks woman, they wont work on me!" Nabiki growled.
"Right . . . let's go out for ice-cream."
"Hmm . . . well I am kind of hungry . . . alright." Nabiki said happily.
Ryoga finally found his way out from under Akane's bed, just in time for her to step on him.
"Oh! P-Chan!" She cried.
'Oh the pain!' Ryoga thought.
"Why P-Chan, I've been looking for you! Everyone has, I was so worried! You were missing all night!"
'I was just under the bed.' Ryoga thought.
"You know P-Chan, I really need a friend to talk to."
'How about those two girls at school?' Ryoga thought. "What *are* their names?"
"But I cant talk to my school friends, it's too personal!" Akane said.
"I need to talk to my adorable pet, because I don't want anyone to know what it is I'm going to say, and you're not going to tell anyone, are you P-Chan?"
'No, I guess not.'
"Of course you wont!" Akane squealed. "Well P-Chan, frankly Ranma is starting to get on my nerves!"
'Hey-hey! Ranma bashing, these are the moments in life I treasure.' Ryoga thought.
"You'd think by now he'd have formed some sort of opinion about his best friend dating my sister!"
"QUEE?" P-Chan squealed. 'Ukyo is dating Kasumi?' Ryoga thought.
"I mean who does Nabiki think she's fooling? We all know she's with Ryoga . . . all of us except Ranma that is."
'Oh, me and Nabiki . . . well there really wasn't any sort of date, per se, we just sort of uh . . . well you're not hearing a word of what I think anyway.' Ryoga thought.
"It makes me sssooo mad, I keep asking him and he just says 'Nabiki with Ryoga? Why would she get together with that directionless jerk?' and I just sit there and think, 'Hey! What *is* my sister doing with Ryoga?'"
'With friends like this . . .' Ryoga thought bitterly.
"That's why I think that Nabiki is really just pretending to like Ryoga, so she can gain something. But she's got nothing to gain from him, he's worthless!"
'Alright, that's it, you can get a new pet.' Ryoga thought.
"I mean, he's a great guy, nice, handsome, tough, and brave, tons more polite than Ranma . . ."
'Alright, I'll let you off with a warning this time.' Ryoga thought.
"But Nabiki usually goes for rich guys, why would she want Ryoga?"
'Because Tatewaki Sword Boy' Kuno, and that Kinnosuke bastard just don't cut it, Akane. One's a rich moron who'd probably let Nabiki spend his fortune, being too stupid to stop her, one's a suave future male model, who'se as insane as Nabiki, only he's got a puppet he talks to, and then there's me, Ryoga Hibiki, wandering martial artist, rival to Ranma Saotome, master of the Breaking Point technique.' Ryoga reasoned. 'Hey wait a minute! Why *does* she want me?'
"I think she made a cuter couple with Kinnosuke, even if he is insane. And Ryoga had that farmer girl who liked him but he didnt necessarilly like back in that way . . ."
'Uh-oh . . . now I *do* feel like a jerk, I forgot all about her . . .'
Akane gasped. "I've figured it out! Nabiki is dating Ryoga to make Kinnosuke jealous, and Ryoga is dating Nabiki because he doesn't like pigs! Just like how he's never around when you are, P-Chan!"
'You know Akane, I think it's time for you to write in your diary or something, because P-Chan is about to hand you over to Mr. Wall, so you can go talk to him.' Ryoga sighed in his head.
"You know, I think I'll write in my diary!" Akane decided. "No offense P-Chan, but talking to you is like talking to a wall."Akane giggled.
'Believe me Akane, a wall doesn't get offended.' Ryoga pouted.
"Of course a wall wont get offended! You know P-Chan, some times it seems like we can really communicate." Akane smiled.
'It's weird, I feel the same way.' Ryoga frowned.
"Gee . .. This looks like a clinic Kasumi." Nabiki observed as they stood outside a large rectangular white building.
"Does it? I'm sure there's ice cream inside." Kasumi smiled. "After all, it's almost Christmas, what place doesn't have ice-cream?"
"Damn you woman. Damn you." Nabiki sighed. "Enough, daddy used to do this when I had to get a shot, I'm not a kid anymore, I see what's really going on."
"Hmm . . . well normally you'd go to Dr. Tofu, but he got drafted."
"Yeah . . . imagine that." Nabiki snickered.
"Interesting too, since he was beyond the normal draft age."
"Yeah, that is interesting." Nabiki nodded.
"And he just had to disappear when I got overdosed on hot chocolate and marshmallows . . ." Kasumi frowned.
"Alright already, let's just go in!" Nabiki scowled.
They were immediately greeted by a nurse. "Tendo? The doctor will see you now."
"What incredible service . . . with a waiting room full of people yet." Nabiki blinked.
"I might have phoned ahead." Kasumi said. "This is a very important appointment, I thought we should get it handled quickly." Kasumi said.
Nabiki gave an impressed whistle. "Whew! All this over a cold? You really go all out sis."
"This is no cold, I'll bet on it."
"Never bet against me, Kasumi." Nabiki grinned slyly.
"Oh? Why not? You seem to make a lot of bad moves lately, namely having unprotected sex."
"Okay, I'll grant you that one." Nabiki pouted.
"Just wait in here, the doctor will be with you shortly." The nurse said, and left.
Nabiki scoffed. "We're just wasting this guy's time."
"What do you care? It's all on me." Kasumi said.
"You don't have that kind of money, I go to great lengths to make sure no one in our house has that kind of money, except me!"
"That may well be, but have you ever noticed how so many presents just appear for you under the tree?"
"Most of them are from me." Nabiki pointed out.
"That's true too, but frankly, the ones you like the best come from me, father and Akane."
"So you say, I don't even remember what you got me for Christmas last year." Nabiki lied.
"Hello?" The doctor said. "I am Dr. Duo Soya, what seems to be the problem today?"
"I spoke to your assisstant over the phone." Kasumi said, the doctor nodded.
"Right, so this is your sister? Not bad. Nice ass."
"Excuse me?" Nabiki demanded.
"What I mean is you look fit as a fiddle." Dr. Soya said with an innocent look on his face-which resembled Dr. Tofu's but without glasses on.
"I agree." Nabiki said. "Kasumi, we're leaving."
"Now Nabiki, sit down, the doctor just wants to run a few tests on you." Kasumi said.
"Yeah, really standard stuff, it's not going to hurt."
"All right." Nabiki said nervously.
"Take off your shirt, so I can use this thingy around my neck that I'm supposed to put on your chest."
"I want to go now!" Nabiki said.
"You can check her heart beat, and her breathing through her shirt." Kasumi pointed out.
"Right . . . well I'll do that later then. Now spread your legs, kiddo."
"Excuse me?" Nabiki demanded.
"Well it's completely normal, I mean, yeah I could just *ask* if you're sexually active, it's just much easier to check, and there's no chance for the patient to lie, y'know what I'm saying? So spread 'em."
"She's here *because* she'd sexually active!" Kasumi cried.
"Ah, we got a slut on our hands. Nice . . . you want my number?" The doctor grinned at Nabiki.
"Now can we see a different doctor?" Nabiki asked.
"Uh . . . yes, I think so." Kasumi admitted.
"Alright, alright, I'll just do the ehtical thing and ask you questions. Please, I need the business, don't walk out on me!"
"You've got a whole waiting room full of people!" Nabiki cried.
"Yes, but they're all Dr. Curd's patients."
"Where is Dr. Curd?"
"He's making out with my sister. That son of a-"
"Can we get on with the examination?" Nabiki scoffed.
"Oh, right. So, you're sexually active? Of course you are, you're a little vixen."
"Why don't you let me answer the questions?" Nabiki asked.
"That might work too." The docotor nodded. "So, active?"
"Yes or no."
"Yes." Nabiki sighed.
"Aha, I was right. Do you have multiple partners?"
"Does it really say that?"
"Yes!" The doctor hid his clipboard. "Now answer the question!"
"No, just one." Nabiki sighed.
"Yeah right." Dr. Soya rolled his eyes. "So, do you take drugs?"
"I took an expired aphrodesiac a little over a month ago, does that count?" Nabiki asked.
"Uh . . ." The doctor scrateched his head. "Next question. Do you drink alcohol?"
"Nope." Nabiki shrugged.
"Is that the truth?" Dr. Soya demanded. "Because I could have swore I saw you at this fancy resturaunt this one time while I was stalking-er checking up on this patient, you were with this well dressed guy and he was getting tottally wasted of Champagne and-"
"I don't drink! Next question!" Nabiki cried.
"Do you smoke?"
"Any secondhand smoke?"
"Right. Enough small talk . . . what? Fifteen more questions? Suck-monkeys!"
"She's in relatively good shape, she excercises, she doesn't do drugs, she's only recently become sexually active, and she believes she might have a cold, or the flu, I say she's got a whole different 'condition' and we want to know what's up, she's a bright student and I'd hate to see her future ruined because she'd an idiot. We've got great health insurance."
"A bright idiot, am I?" Nabiki scowled.
"Quiet dear, grown ups are talking now."
"I *am* a grown up!" Nabiki cried.
"Well . . . okay . . . interestingly enough the only question that didn't answer is this . . . 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"Do you know how long the waiting list is for Dr. Curd?" Kasumi asked.
"Sorry." Soya sighed. "Well . . . lets get on with the tests. Here's my needle . . . no, I'm going to be wanting the bigger one . . ."
A little while later . . .
Nabiki was shaking like a leaf after five blood tests, and somehow deep throating the popsicle stick as the doctor claimed to be checking her tonsils. She felt strangely violated, and her throat hurt. Besides the blood test it seemed she'd gone through every horror of the hospital, she decided sending Dr. Tofu away had been very stupid.
The tests had been inconclusive, Soya was trying to convince Kasumi to leave the room while he conducted a more thorough examination, until Kasumi threatened to shove the doctor's stethoscope where the sun doesn't shine, then magically he could read them. The doctor smiled. "Well, the tests are easy enough to read . . . I had to get Curd to tell me what it meant actually." He said, lowering his head.
"So?" The sisters demanded together.
"Well . . ." The doctor said ". . . I've got good news, and bad. Which do you want?"
"Give me the good news."
"The good news is that after five blood tests we realized we only needed one, you can have these vials of blood back, I don't know what the heck you're gonna do with them, but here you go." The doctor smiled.
"Uh . . . thanks. These will make great Christmas presents." Nabiki said sarcastically.
"Huh? Hey, you're right! I never would have thought of that, I wonder if I can steal some samples . . . it'd make my Christmas shopping super easy." Dr. Soya said thoughtfully.
"I'll sell you mine." Nabiki offered.
"How much?" Soya asked.
"How much you got?"
"What's the bad news, doctor?" Kasumi asked impatiently. Nabiki hoped her sister was regretting taking her here, she knew she was regretting agreeing to come.
"Hmm? The bad news is that you haven't got a cold, or the flu, and it sure isn't appendicitis. You're pregnant. Most people would be pleased, but I see you're lesbians, so obviously ma'am," he looked at Kasumi, "Your 'life partner' is getting some action on the side."
"We're not lesbians, we're sisters!" Kasumi said.
"Hmm . . . why does that turn me on eve more?" Dr. Soya frowned, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. Congratulations. Your husband will be thrilled."
"I'm not married." Nabiki whimpered.
"Well . . . then this is for your father." Soya handed Nabiki a card. After a few more prophositions by the doctor, they finally left.
"What is that card for?" Kasumi asked.
"It's fifty percent off all shot guns and ammunition at Big Barn 'O Guns." Nabiki said.
"Since he wouldnt stand a chance against Ryoga in a straight up fight, I think father will appreciate that card." Kasumi said.
"Ryoga sure wont." Nabiki sighed.
Ryoga snuck out of Akane's room, her diary in his snout. The little black piglet crept off in any direction, so long as he was out of her room, he'd eventually find Ranma, give him the diary and be done with his evil deed.
He didn't have long to wait, Ranma appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the diary. "You came through, man! At last I have it! My precious!" He opened it up and began reading. "Dear diary, today Dr. Tofu told me my leg looked much better, and that I'd be able to walk without the crutches in another week or so . . . I think he's coming on to me'? What's up with this girl?" Ranma scowled. "Dear diary, today dad introduced me to Ranma Saotome, his friend's son who is going to be my husband some day. Unlucky me, he's so obnoxious, and he comes off as a little sexist. I hate men so much. Except Dr. Tofu. I like Dr. Tofu. I hate other men. Men are all obsessed with that one part of their bodies that isn't all that impressive anyway' All right! Now it's getting good!" Ranma chuckled wickedly. Ryoga decided to leave Ranma to his Santa work.
Ranma read on, 'Dear Diary, today Ranma's friend Ryoga came to town and they fought, I got so angry when Ryoga cut my hair, but Dr. Tofu said-'
"Does she ever stop talking about Tofu?" Ranma scowled. "Doesn't she keep deep dark secrets in here like a normal girl?" He read on.
'Today, Ranma showed us all his true colors, and got engaged to Shampoo, this insane amazon that's been trying to kill him since he went to China. How can he be such a pervert? Doesnt he know that a woman's body is a temple, or something like that?'
"For the love of god, I didn't *want* to get engaged to Shampoo!" Ranma shouted.
'Dear Diary, today RANMA refused to eat my cookies, I worked so hard on them, my feelings were so hurt!'
"Yeah, yeah, we've heard that one." Ranma scowled, he skipped the next page and a few others, going to the middle.
'Dear Diary, I know he's mean, sexist, cocky, *stupid* and lacking any sort of fidelity . . . but I think I'm starting to fall in love with Ranma!'
"How dare she? She's never even *heard* me play the fiddle!" Ranma spat.
'Dear Diary, I have a secret to tell you . . . and no one can know'
"This is what I want!" Ranma grinned wickedly.
'Today I found out . . . beyond any reasonable doubt . . . that Nabiki and Ryoga are *sleeping* together. I don't know if they're in love, but they are lov-*ers* and everyone knows it. Who do they think they're fooling? Only dad and Ranma don't know that Ryoga popped Nabiki's cherry, and on Kasumi's bed no less!'
"AAAHHH!" Ranma closed the book and threw it aside. "That's NOT what I wanted! That's NOT what I wanted! WWWAAAHHH!" He ran to the bathroom to wash his eyes out with soap, and try to stab the memory from his brain with a cotton swab. "My friend . . . my rival . . . bedding the devil herself! And in Kasumi's bed!" Ranma threw up. "I'm not even sure what 'popping a cherry' is supposed to mean, but it makes me sick! Obviously Ryoga goes for looks, not personality! That sick freak! And Nabiki, how could she . . . well no, I get Nabiki doing this, she's such a slut." Ranma threw up again. "Damn! I cant be deterred! I must complete my mission, I must learn what Akane got me for Christmas! And find out some embarrassing secret as retaliation for this!"
Nabiki felt strangely exhausted when she got home. How was she going to explain this to everyone? Could she even explain something like this? 'Hell, how do I explain it to Ryoga? We haven't even gone out on a real date yet, and I'm pregnant! What do I do? Walk up to him and say: Hey honey, because I'm a cum-addict I got pregnant, you've gotta pay child support now, so start saving, and get a job. Merry Christmas!'
"Yeah, that'll work." She decided.
"What'll work?" Kasumi asked.
"Nothing. Just wondering how I should explain this to everyone."
"Don't." Kasumi said simply. "Just don't explain it, start eating like there's no tomorrow, get really fat so no one will notice and then have the child in secret and put it up for adoption, lose the weight and return to your loving family."
"You have got to be kidding me." Nabiki scowled. "You read too many novels, Kasumi!" She said.
"Well what am I supposed to do? You wont let me fool around with Ryoga." Kasumi joked.
"That's right! And you wont ever get the chance, you hear me? I don't need my kid growing up with a half sibling/cousin, you got that?" Nabiki growled.
"What if I one-upped you, you know, did what you were too lazy to do, and went on the pill?" Kasumi raised an eyebrow.
"If you weren't my sister, I'd slap you right now." Nabiki growled.
"I'm sorry." Kasumi bowed her head. "I didn't mean to get you angry. Let's work together and try to find out how to handle this, okay?"
"Here's an idea, I'll tell Ryoga, you tell dad, and while you're at it, just tell everyone else for me."
"That's not a very fair plan." Kasumi noted.
"I blame you for this, I'd have been much happier not knowing." Nabiki scowled.
"But you did know. Deep down inside, you must have known you were going to be a mother, Nabiki." Kasumi said.
"You speak lies! LIIIES!" Nabiki cried. It was partially true, she had a fear and suspicion that her illness was due to pregnancy. She shuddered. "I have to go see Ryoga."
"But we don't know where he is." Kasumi pointed out.
"Darn it, you're right! Well if you see him send him to me!" Nabiki scowled. She stomped off to her room when to her surprise she saw Ryoga coming out of the washroom. "Never mind Kasumi. Ryoga! Come here!" She hissed.
"Uh . . . sure." He said nervously.
Ranma was pacing back and forth, shoving handfuls of Hottie Marshmallows into his mouth, he scowled at the wall, it offended him.
"Dear Diary," he read aloud, "Kasumi went on a vacation with Kodachi yesterday, Ryoga is the only person who seems to know where she is, but he wont tell me."
What it registed in his mind was . . . 'Dear Diary, I, Akane Tendo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby swear to pop the cherry of every person in the world!"
"She's gone mad!" Ranma said, trembling.
"My gosh boy, did you eat that whole canister of marshmallows?" Genma asked.
"Get away from me cherry popper!" Ranma screamed, and lunged to attack his father. After a brief struggle Genma Saotome was tied up with dental floss and shoved under the rug. Ranma paced back and forth and made a plan. He'd confront Akane and stop her reign of tyranny, or die trying.
Nabiki led Ryoga into her bedroom and closed and locked the door. She took a deep breath, and sat down on her water-bed. "Ryoga . . . how do you feel about our . . . situation?"
"That's a hard question to answer." Ryoga said. "I don't like having to pretend we're still just acquaintances, I want to take you out someplace nice, hold you in my arms even if it makes everyone stare, that sort of thing."
Nabiki smiled. "I'd like that." She said. "Ryoga, I think it's time we told everyone. Because . . ."
"Wait . . . Nabiki . . . I . . . I have to tell you something."
"What?" Nabiki asked nervously.
Ryoga gulped. "I . . . I . . ."
"I know you love me"" Nabiki said.
"No, I need to tell you something bad . . . I'm . . . I'm,"
"I don't care, whatever it is I just don't care . . . so long as you're not gay. Are you?"
"No, but I am cur–"
"Whatever it is, I'm fine with it, okay? I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to boyfriends." Nabiki said evenly.
"Silence!" Nabiki scowled.
"Alright . . . what were you going to tell me?" Ryoga asked.
"Umm . . . I . . ." Nabiki trailed off . . .
Akane wandered into the dark room, it had been redecorated, it was the living room, now there was a large chair facing the wall. Akane scratched her head. "Why is it so dark in here?" She wondered, and turned the lights on. As she did, Ranma spun around in the big chair . . . he sat there, legs crossed, with a cat on his lap. "I've been expecting you." He said evenly, petting his cat and chewing a bubble gum cigar. "You kept me waiting, Akane my sweet. Say hello to my little friend . . ."
"What a haul!" Happi cried as he leapt over Ranma's seat and out the door.
"Huh?" Akane blinked.
"I see you've infiltrated my lair of ingenious evil . . . and now you must pay the price."
"You know you're holding a cat, right?"
"Oh-ho-ho-ho, I'm holding an adorable . . . C-CAT!!!" Ranma screamed, and ran off.
Soun shouted from his bedroom, "Did a virgin just ask Ranma if he was holding a cat?"
Akane sighed and massaged her forehead. Her brain was doing that tingling thing that it did when she got really annoyed. Y'know, when it feels like a thousand little pins are pressing down on your brain, but not puncturing it? Then they retract, and press down again, and they do this for a while and you wonder if it's normal for that to happen . . .
Anyway Ranma threw the cat out an open window, and went back to normal. "You thought I'd never find out . . ."
"What?" Akane blinked. "That you were holding a cat?"
"No! That you . . . with your less than ample bosom . . . you thought I'd never notice . . . or learn . . . that you wear a training bra still!"
"What? That's not true." Akane said. "And you should know, you pervert." She scowled.
Ranma chuckled. "Don't play me for a fool Akane, I know better." He held up her diary. "I've read the gist of this, and a lot of content between the lines, so very much between the lines." Ranma said.
"What's cherry popping?" Ranma demanded.
"Uh . . . that's . . . uh . . . well at the time I really liked Dr. Tofu and . . . uh . . ."
"Dr. Tofu is part of this?" Ranma demanded.
"Ranma . . . are you okay?"
"Yes!" Ranma cried. "But you're not popping my cherry!"
"Uh . . . okay." Akane frowned.
"And I'll find some way to fix Nabiki's cherry!"
"I don't think that's possible." Akane frowned. She paused. "Hey!" She screamed. "You know about Nabiki? You had sex with Nabiki, didn't you?" She cried.
"Sex? We're talking about cherry popping, there's a difference!" Ranma scowled.
"Baka!" Akane scowled. "Popping someone's cherry means you're taking their virginity. How can you-a guy-not know this?"
Ranma snapped out of his trance. "Wh-what? Hey! I *did* know that! R-Ryoga . . . and Nabiki . . . had sex?" He groaned, and then ran off to throw up again. He proceeded to stab his brain with the cotton swab again. Akane sighed and stormed away.
Ryoga listened intently to Nabiki's long story, he wasnt exactly sure if there was a moral, or a point, she seemed to be rambling on and on. He didnt mind too much at first, just listening to her talk was sort of nice, and it was even better because he didnt have to say anything. But he had this strange suspicion that she was going to quiz him on it afterwards, so he tried to commit some of it to memory.
It wasn't working.
Even worse, he was starting to fall asleep, and she showed no signs of getting to the point.
"And *then* I said, 'Listen buddy, if you think the vegas odds are better than what I'm offering, go to Vegas!' and--"
"Uh-huh, that's great Nabiki." Ryoga said. "What the heck are you talking about?"
"Well, people talk about a lot of things, some people talk and talk, and never say a thing, some people sing a song, some people tell stories, some can't talk at all, you know. So anyway he's goes to vegas, the son of a--"
"Nabiki, I'm going to close my eyes now," Ryoga said, she kept speaking, he made little to no attempt to speak over her rambling stories, "I'm still listening, keep talking, I'm hearing every word."He assured her.
She ignored him and kept talking. Ryoga's eye closed almost of their own will, he yawned and then leaned back. Nabiki grabbed him by the collar and shook him.
"Aren't you listening? This is important!" Nabiki cried.
"I'm trying." Ryoga sighed. "Guy goes to vegas, walks into a bar, places a bet on the Iron Cats beating the Steel Mice at the Pet Cup, yeah yeah."
"You dope, I'm talking about our future!"
"Huh?" Ryoga scratched his head.
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Nabiki demanded.
"Nabiki . . . I dont know where I'm going to be in ten days . . ."
"It's genetic right? Your parents havent got any sense of direction either, huh?"
"Nope." Ryoga shrugged. "I think they met each other in a support group, they were the only two to find their way there." He offered a bit of humor to lighten Nabiki's interesting mood.
"That means your kids'll probably have no sense of direction either! Mm . . . it's such a beautiful afternoon . . . the snow is all white and stuff, the world is blissfully unaware of how messed up it is . . ."
"There's snow?" Ryoga blinked. Memories of his first night with Nabiki and the hot chocolate flooded back to him with mixed feelings. He glanced at Nabiki and decided he was pleased with the end result of his battle against the elements. "I dont suppose you'd be willing to brave this messed up world long enough to go out on a date, huh?"
"Well it's not like I'm antisocial . . . what did you have in mind?"
"Well . . . I dont do this very often . . . why don't we just get something to eat?"
"With ice cream?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"If that's what you want." Ryoga shrugged.
"You've convinced me." Nabiki said with a nod. "Let's go."
"Ranma, why were you reading my diary?" Akane demanded.
"I wanted to find out what ya got me for Christmas!" Ranma cried.
"Well, I didn't get you anything, not yet anyway, if I decide to get stuff for you at all." Akane scowled.
Ranma shoved the cotton swab deeper into his ear and stabbed his juicy brain (Don't give me any 'physically impossible' junk, this here is a fan fiction!) and groaned. He turned on Akane and scowled. "You! Yeah, YOU!" He said, jabbing his finger at Akane, the young woman was tempted to break that finger, "Remember this lesson I teach you, use it for good, use it for evil, and never forget . . . uh . . . I forgot."
"What are you *on*, Ranma?" Akane demanded.
"HANGNAIL!" Ranma screamed, looking at his finger, "Kill it! Kill it! Get Kasumi to come and kill it!"
Akane scowled and grabbed her future husband (the future looked so bleak) by the wrist and looked at his finger. "You haven't got a hangnail!" She scowled.
"Oh thanks! Thanks Akane! AKANE!! AKANE!! I said THANKS Akane!! Pay attention darn it! You never care about me!! AKANEEEEE!!! AKANE!!! Aaww. . . . Hey baby, I'm sorry I yelled at yous, I loves yous!!"
"Ranma . . . you're starting to scare me now." Akane said.
"My ear hurts." Ranma noted.
"Good . . . now focus on that . . . and try to become sane again . . ." Akane said.
Ranma did the opposite, he lunged forward and kissed Akane. Akane struggled at first, then decided it wasn't all that bad . . . after all, Ranma was her future husband, he *should* lavish affection on her, shouldn't he?
His hands moved to pull her T-Shirt over her head, she shoved him away violently . . . he almost took the shirt with him. "Ranma, you pervert!" Akane cried.
"I'm sorry Akane . . . I just . . . something about you . . . I cant resist you . . . you're so . . . so . . . so beautiful . . . my . . . my mind is telling me to do things I know we shouldn't do together . . . I cant resist, I need you!"
"Oh Ranma . . ." Akane gasped "what sort of slut do you think I am!?!" She shouted, and lunged for him, her heart set on murder.
"Alright! Now that's what I'm talking about! Fruit Loop!! OUCH! Hey not so har–ouch! Ahh! Ouch! The pain! Let that go! Akane! AHH! Don't pull so hard, I've only got two arms! My leg doesn't bend that way!"
Just then Nabiki and Ryoga came by, Nabiki raised an eyebrow at her sister. "Get a room. Don't make me separate you two!"
"Look whose talking!" Akane scoffed, she shoved Ranma away. "Where are you two going?"
"We're going to find a cheap plane to Vegas so we can get married." Nabiki said, Akane gasped in shock.
"I thought we were getting something to eat . . ." Ryoga scratched his head, Nabiki shook hers and sighed.
"What the heck am I gonna do with you, Hibiki?" She mumbled as they left.
Akane shook her head, and turned to Ranma with a hateful scowl. "I'll remember your disrespect, Ranma!" She growled. "I'm not like Ukyo or Shampoo, I'm not some piece of flesh for you to play with whenever you feel like it! I don't know if I can ever forgive you!"
"Uh . . . c'mere and gimme a kiss?" Ranma offered, Akane scowled and left. She stormed into the kitchen, she needed something to calm her nerves. A nice cup of coffee . . . nope, none left . . . hmm there was hot chocolate . . .
"Hmm . . . Hottie Chocolate . . . guaranteed to make your night good . . . well if it's guaranteed . . ." Akane thought . . . "I really need something to get my mind off Ranma . . ."
She made a mug of steaming hot chocolate and sat down to drink it . . .
'Hmm . . . maybe Ranma is a pervert . . . but it sure felt nice to be kissed . . . and his arms around me made me feel really good too . . .' She took a long sip, and went unconscious. When she woke her line of thinking continued, as if uninterrupted. 'I mean . . . I guess I do sort of like him . . . maybe . . . maybe it wouldn't have been so bad . . . hmm . . . I feel kind of weird . . . what a buzz . . . like that time I ate a gallon of sugar . . .' she took another sip, went out like a light, woke, took another, and continued in that manner until she'd built up a powerful immunity to the blacking out caused by the coco.
Ranma was coming out of his daze, sitting in the living room, scratching his head. What had he done? He couldn't remember . . . he'd made Akane mad, and he was sorry for that. At least he was pretty sure he was, he wasn't sure what he'd done, he'd probably been justified.
Slowly something of a memory came to him . . . holding her in his arms, moving his hands over her . . . AHA! So that macho chick had tried to rape him! How dare!
Obviously he'd done the moral thing, and forced her away, and it'd angered her. But now that he thought of it he wouldn't mind getting laid tonight . . . he had this weird horny buzz going on. Like that time he'd eaten five pounds of sugar mixed with Guyagra (Don't sue me, I'm funny!)
"She'll be back, that horny macho pervert girl!" Ranma said to himself. Suddenly the wall before him exploded and there was Akane. "I didn't mean it!" Ranma cried, he dove under the couch.
"Seek . . . male . . . can see . . . infrared . . . NEED . . . SEX!" Akane cried.
She dragged Ranma out from under the couch and up to her room, the young man left claw marks on the floor leading up to the place.
"Aw nuts, once again it was drunk by the wrong person . . ." Happosai sighed.
"It seems we shall never have our revenge . . ." Cologne sighed.
"Well . . . what'da say we watch through Akane's open window?"
"You've got no class, no class at all." Cologne scoffed and left. Happi decided it would be pretty boring, so he went and tormented Soun.
"Ryoga . . . how do you feel about me?" Nabiki asked as they walked.
'Aw crud, why do women always have to ask that?' Ryoga wondered. "What do you mean?"
"Well . . . exactly what I said. What do you think about me, how do you feel? I don't know how to put it any simpler than that."
Ryoga shrugged. "I love you. It's that simple."
"Really? Not so long ago you loved Akane."
"My affection for her was rather uh . . . intense." Ryoga admitted. "But I loved her for the wrong reasons."
"And why do you love me?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Because only an idiot would let a rack like yours get away." Ryoga grunted.
"And you don't think that's a bad reason to love someone?"
"It could be. Good thing I've got others." Ryoga said with a shrug. "Nabiki, no matter how things have gone through the day, no matter how good or bad things get, just holding you in my arms some how makes everything great, kissing you feels like a fulfillment of ambition, I love being around you, and you don't make me nervous at all." Well he'd lied about the last part, she did make him pretty nervous.
"I'm glad you feel that way." Nabiki said. "Because . . . I've got something to tell you, that you're not going to like."
"Oh-ho . . ." Ryoga scratched his chin. "You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"
"Nonsense!" Nabiki cried. "I love you too, Ryoga, I really do. I mean we're out on a date now aren't we? To hell with the secrecy, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't care who knows I'm dating my sister's boyfriend's rival!"
"It sounds weirder when you say it like that." Ryoga pointed out.
"Point." Nabiki nodded. "But Ryoga, I've got something seriously important to tell you . . ."
"What is it?"
"I'm building up to it . . ." Nabiki grumbled. "Well . . . uh . . . lets go to Ukyo's place."
"Why there?" Ryoga asked.
"Because I think Cologne is still holding a grudge, best not to be near the Cat Café."
"About what?" Ryoga scratched his head.
"Oh . . . nothing . . ." Nabiki chuckled wickedly.
"Nabiki . . . what is it you wanted to tell me?"
"Uh . . . I . . . I think it can wait." Nabiki smiled, "We're here, see? Hey Ukyo!"
"No, wait . . . tell me, you said it was important." Ryoga said. He was all concerned now, the soap operas he had watched with Kasumi while trapped as P-Chan were starting to influence his normal thinking. "Nabiki . . . do you have cancer?"
She blinked a couple times, then shook her head. "No . . . I don't."
"Then you've got some other serious illness?"
"No, honey, but I'm starting to wonder if you do . . ."
"You learned that Mr. Tendo isn't really your father, and so in your drive to find your biological parents, you've learned that you are in fact my sister!"
"No, hard as it is to believe I truly am related to those people I live with . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"You aren't possessed by some demon then?"
"Uh . . . what the heck?" Nabiki looked confused now.
"I saw it on Weeks of Our Lives once." Ryoga explained. It'd been a couple years ago . . . he'd stopped watching after that, it was just too stupid.
"Stop with the Soap Opera Stereotypes!" Nabiki chuckled.
"Okay, one more . . . you're not pregnant, are you?" Ryoga asked.
"Uh . . . I . . . I was going to wait until your birthday to tell you that . . . but uh . . . happy birthday honey!" Nabiki said with mock enthusiasm.
Ryoga scratched his chin. "I see . . . I . . . I . . . wow . . . this is . . . wow." Ryoga scratched his head.
"What's up? You two gonna order or what?" Ukyo asked. "Wow . . . Ryoga, you look like your dog just got run over while your parents were mercilessly killed in a car explosion as your manhood was chopped off and fed to the homeless in a stew all while every person you ever idolized mocked you . . ."
Ryoga blinked. "Huh?"
"I think, mentally that's exactly what's happening to him. Two Calamari Okonomiyaki, please." Nabiki said.
Ukyo scratched her head as Ryoga began folding a napkin into some sort of elaborate origami monster.
"Uh . . ." Ryoga gulped "this is great!"
"You don't have to lie." Nabiki said simply.
"Oh thank you–I mean nonsense! I mean it, this will be fine . . . uh . . . I can take care of the kids while you go to college, you get to be the first one of your sisters to get married, I get a young apprentice to train in the ways of my martial arts so that when Ranma and I are frail old men, my son–or daughter–can kick the butt of Ranma's spawn, it'll be a tradition. Besides, we're young right? So we'll like the same stuff as our kids, right?" Ryoga said. Damned if he was going to let Nabiki know how depressed he was all of a sudden. Or at least how depressed he felt he should be . . . he really wasn't very upset at all. He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't upset.
"Kids, Ryoga?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, maybe we'll have twins. Besides, I had no idea it was so easy to get a girl pregnant, we're bound to have more! This one's gonna need brothers and sisters to grow up with!" He said, feeling strangely enthusiastic. Nabiki kicked him under the table. "Ouch! Er sorry, I'm sure you're normally much harder to impregnate."
"Now that you know, how do you feel about me?" Nabiki asked.
"The same as I did when you asked me earlier." Ryoga shrugged.
"You know this means no more sex, right?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.
"Darn–er . . . right. Darn right, no more sex . . . uh . . . why exactly?"
"That's just the rules, sweetie."
"I see . . ." Ryoga scratched his head. "Who wrote these rules?"
"I never listened to my mother."
Nabiki laughed softly and shook her head.
Ryoga took a deep breath. This news wasn't all that bad . . . hell, it wasn't good, but like he'd said before, no matter what, just being with Nabiki seemed to make everything great . . . he'd probably have his nervous breakdown *after* their date.
The Next Morning . . .
Soun was wailing like a fool. "Nabiki! You're only eighteen, you're too young to get married! My baby! My baby! I've lost my little girl! I gouge out my eye balls!"
"Uh . . . daddy, put the fork down." Nabiki instructed, Kasumi took it away from him. "I'm just pregnant, no big deal, and c'mon, let's be serious here, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'd rather it be later, but it isnt the end of the world." She explained.
"Fah! You're going to track down the father and force him to marry you! My daughter will not give birth to a fatherless child! Unless she started working for a genetic testing agency, and then we'd sue! Take Ranma and Ryoga, if he wont submit they can beat him to a bloody pulp!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ryoga said, blinking. Nabiki shook her head.
"Uh, dad, Ryoga *is* the father."
"RYOGA!?" Soun screamed. "You're the father? Ranma, kill Ryoga while I stab myself in the head!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ranma said, blinking. Nabiki shook her head.
"Dad, there's no need to kill anyone, and put that spoon down!"
"For what it's worth, I think you two make a cute couple." Kasumi noted.
"No one cares." Ranma scoffed. "Premarital sex is immoral, disgusting and wrong. Shame on you two! Shame!"
Nabiki's eyes narrowed. "Oh? Hey dad, why dont you ask Akane what she was doing last night?"
Akane choked on her orange juice and glared at Nabiki. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Uh-huh." Nabiki scowled.
"Akane, what did you do last night?" Father asked.
"I can't remember." Akane said.
"Well, why not ask Ranma what he did last night?" Nabiki chuckled.
"I *really* cant remember." Ranma said, rubbing his head. "Had the strangest of dreams . . . but what *did* I do last night?"
Akane glared at Ranma, then Nabiki. "Nabiki, don't make me kill you." she warned.
"My poor, sultry sisters." Kasumi sighed.
"Look who's talking! You're a lesbian!" Nabiki cried.
Kasumi choked on her orange juice, and then spat it out in father's face. "N-n-no I'm not father!"
Soun put his head down on the table and began to cry. "My little girls are whores!"
"Well . . . I've only slept with Ryoga, and Kasumi probably didnt get too far with Kodachi. Akane on the other hand is a whore, but hey, two out of three, daddy." Nabiki said happily.
"I'm not a whore!" Akane cried.
"Why cant I have an ordinary life and an ordinary family?" Soun wept.
"It's something you give up in exchange for knowing Ranma and myself." Genma sighed.
"Look on the bright side father . . ." Kasumi tried.
"And that is?" Soun raised an eyebrow.
"Instead of an 'ordinary' family, you've got an *extraordinary* one." Nabiki said.
"I'm going to go kill myself now." Soun sighed and headed for his room.
"Hold him down!" Akane cried.
"I curse you Ryoga! May you and Nabiki have nothing but promiscuous daughters!"
"Yes daddy." Nabiki said calmly.
"We'll work on it, I guess." Ryoga scratched his head. "What's 'promise-cure-us' mean?" He whispered to Nabiki.
Meanwhile Ranma and Akane were quite busy in her room, moving around under the covers. Happosai had changed his mind and decided to enjoy the show, but he couldnt see much under those blankets.
"Thank heavens my X-Ray glasses arrived today!" He said, whipping them out. He put them on and saw two skeletons intertwined.
"AAAHHHH!" The old man promptly had a heart attack, fell out of his tree twitching, his reign of terror finally brought to an end by a sexy Halloweenish surprise.
Couple Weeks Later . . .
"If I have to see Dr. Soya one more time," Nabiki said, "I'm going to kill him. We've gotta try and convince Tofu to come back to us."
"Well . . . this is a very nice naval base . . ." Kasumi said. "I wonder how the good doctor is doing."
"Nabiki! Kasumi! Ryoga! Good to see you!" Tofu cried, he looked quite good in naval uniform. Nabiki noted that he didn't seem intimidated by Kasumi, but he seemed slightly shy around Ryoga.
'Aw snaps, what have I done?' Nabiki wondered.
"So Doctor Tofu, since you've been drafted into the navy," Kasumi said with a frown "how is it?"
"It's incredible!" Tofu cried.
"Really?" Ryoga asked.
"Yes . . . the navy is . . . it's . . ."
"Torture?" Nabiki offered.
"No! I'm in the navy! Where you can find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science and technology!"
"Do you really search for treasure?" Ryoga asked skeptically.
"Where can *you* begin to make your dreams all come true?" He asked, pointing a finger at Ryoga. "On the land or on the sea where you can learn to fly, play in sports or skin dive!"
"He's flipped." Kasumi said with a frown.
"You can't learn to fly! Humans don't fly! And skin dive? My word Tofu what are they doing to you?" Nabiki gasped, thinking maybe getting Tofu drafted had been a mistake.
"I can study oceanography, sign up for the big band, or sit in the grand stand when the teams and others meet."
"What the heck are you talking about now?" Nabiki demanded. "Teams and others meet? Are you in the navy, or was that a soccer reference?"
"I'm In The Navy!" Tofu sang.
"Yes, you can sail the seven seas." Kasumi said clapping her hands happily.
"In The Navy?" Ryoga frowned.
"Yes, you can put your mind at east!" Tofu continued to sing.
Ryoga nodded. "Right, because you're In The Navy."
"Come on now people, make a stand!" Tofu cried.
"In The Navy?" Kasumi asked.
"Cant you see we need a hand?" Tofu asked.
"In The Navy?" Nabiki sighed, thinking maybe visiting hours were over. If there weren't, they should be.
"Come on protect the mother land!" Tofu sang/pleaded with them.
"I don't want to be In The Navy." Nabiki scoffed.
"Come on and join your fellow man!" Tofu cried.
"Stop trying to get us to join The Navy!" Nabiki scowled.
"Come on people and make a stand!" Tofu cried.
"In The Navy?" Ryoga asked.
"In The Navy!" Tofu nodded.
"In The Navy . . ." Kasumi looked a little concerned.
"That's it, I'm out of here." Nabiki said.
"Bye doctor!" Kasumi smiled.
"Wait, the idea of joining the navy intrigues me! I wish to learn more!" Ryoga said, Nabiki grabbed him by the collar and dragged him away as Tofu went into the second verse.
Nabiki decided that Soya wasn't so bad after all . . . or maybe she would go to Canada.
~ End (Absolutely)