Well, I thought I'd never do this, because it's silly and besides, none
of them are very funny, but what the hell. These are some selected
songs from The Sixpence Opera. I'm afraid the songs that I parodied the
titles of are the only ones I feel qualified to post, since people will
recognize (hopefully) the tunes. Therefore, "I've Given You My Heart",
"Cockbill Street Rag", and "Deus Ex Machina" - among others - do not
appear here (Sorry, Igors; I know I'll be pelted with noses for that).

Although I must say I'm a little proud of "Singin' in the Sleet". I think
it perfectly captures the results of spending too much time in the cold
and damp.

Enjoy, gentle listeners.

THROAT DIBBLER:
(Mack the Knife, Bobby Darin version)
Oh, the has
Pretty teeth, dear
And they're made of pearly white
Just a jackknife has old Sam Vimesy
And he keeps it out of sight
When Assassins stab you dead dear
They at least leave a reciept
But Sam Vimes with his little knife babe
He'll never admit, and take the heat

Now in Ankh Morpork on a sunny morning
You can find all kindsa cats
And somebody's probably been ill in the gutter
And there's dwarves out hunting rats
But Sam Vimes babe, down on Cockbill street
He's the toughest rogue around
And he'd rob you soon as greet you
And he never makes a sound

So hats off all to that rogue Vimes
He's a clever man, from the Shades on down
Here he comes now, see his ceegar
Old Sam Vimesy's back in town!

***

VIMES:
You see that, Throat? That's love right there.

THROAT:
Wouldn't know, sir.

VIMES:
Yeah. Neither would I. That's the problem. If Watchmen can find love,
why can't I?

THROAT:
[wandering off] SAUSAGES! TUFA DOLLA!

VIMES:
("Someone to Watch Over Me", from Crazy for You)
There's a someone I'm longing to see
I hope that she
Turns out to be
Someone to watch over me

I'm a city boy alone in in the world
I know I could
Always be good
To one who'd watch over me

[At this point, the ROGUES join in; "Ain't Misbehavin" by Fats
Waller]

ROGUES:
[gathering]
No one to talk to
All by himself
No one to walk with
He's thinkin' about someone else

VIMES:
Although I may not be the man
Some girls think of as handsome
Or well-dressed, or moral, or sweet
Won't you tell her please
To put on some speed

ROGUES:
Ain't misbehavin
He's wastin' his time on love
dee dee, de deedly deedly de*

VIMES:
Track down the leads
Oh how I need

ROGUES:
He don't stay out late
Don't care no mo'
Where did our boss go
And who is this lovesick schmo

VIMES:
Someone to watch over me

ROGUES:
Ain't misbehavin'
Wasting all his time on love...

VIMES:
I'm a city boy alone in the world
I know I could
Always be good

ROGUES:
Ain' Misbehavin'

VIMES
To someone who'd Watch over me.

ROGUES
HE's wastin' his time, on love!

VIMES looks around and notices the oddly musically-talented ROGUES.

VIMES:
Right lads. I'm done here. Everyone meet at the Bucket.

* When real Rogues were auditioned for parts in the CHORUS OF ROGUES,
it was discovered that all but one of them refused to sing 'deedly
deedly dee'. Eventually, members of the Actors' Guild, who are used to
saying stupid things on stage, had to be used.

***

LORD RAMKIN
And you took that common job in the Watch. For shame, Sybil.

LADY SYBIL
For shame? I'm supposed to be ashamed of trying to get a little law and
order around the place, dad? How about your slum buildings all over
Cockbill Street?

LORD RAMKIN
Those are no concern of yours. I'm your father, you have to obey me.

LADY SYBIL
I don't. I'm a Watchman. You have to obey /me/.

LORD RAMKIN
("I Did It My Way", Frank Sinatra)
You silly gel, the time is near
Some day too soon, you'll have to marry
And when the city nobles hear
That you do this, things will get hairy
I know you want a life that's full
I know you think you're making wages
But now, I'll tell you straight,
You'll do it myyyyyy waaaaaayyyy...

LADY SYBIL
Yes dad, I've meant to say
I don't regret taking the shilling
I've only done, what I had to do
And it's not bad, except the drilling
I planned this out, I made my choice
So I don't have to need a trust fund
If I, arrested you
You'd do it myyyyyy waaaaayyyy

LORD RAMKIN
Ungrateful child, I raised you up
Without a mum, I did my best
And who are you to tell me how
I manage things, and all the rest
This is my land, I own it all

LADY RAMKIN
And look at what you've managed with it
The rent's too high, the roofs all leak
Let's face it dad, you're just an old twit.

IN UNISON
You've no idea of what it's like
To do this job and make a living
I've had to make some sacrifice
If you would listen to what I'm giving
Yell all you like, and threaten too
I wouldn't change, not for a year's pay
And this, you listen up, you'll do it
MYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAAY

LORD RAMKIN stomps off in a huff. LADY SYBIL stomps off in an opposite
huff towards GLEAM STREET.

***

LADY RAMKIN
What's going on here, my good man?

VIMES
Ooh. Nothing, sir. Ma'am. Certainly not plotting of any sort,
especially the devious kind.

LADY RAMKIN
Up there, I mean.

VIMES
Yes, miss. A jumper, miss.

LADY RAMKIN
Looks more like a person to me.

VIMES
A man's going to jump off the roof, miss. They say he's from over Opera
House way. A flautist, miss.

CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN:
("Tradition!" from Fiddler on the Roof)
A flautist, A FLAUTIST!
A flautist!

LADY RAMKIN
Well, I'm sorry, but that's no reason to kill yourself. You man, give
me a leg up.

LADY RAMKIN hoists herself onto the roof with the wretched Flautist.

FLAUTIST
Who day and night must play this wretched instrument
Earn a lousy wage and
Pay musician's guild?
Who spends his time while the actors get the glory
sitting in a pit?

CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN
A flautist, A FLAUTIST!
A flautist!

LADY SYBIL
Who on the beat must help people down from roofs
Try to help the city
Carry a big stick?
Who'll help this flautist sitting on the roof
Thinking about jumping
Guess that'd be me.

CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN
The watchman, the Watchman!
The Watchman!

VIMES
Just look at her she's glorious
She'll soon have him down
And after all, aren't we all
Flautists on the roof?

CHORUS OF ROGUES AND WATCHMEN
A flautist, a flautist!
A flautist!

LADY SYBIL catches the flautist as he's about to fall, and carries him
down to much accord. VIMES slinks off into the shadows.

***

PATRICIAN
Drumknott, was that Lady Sybil? And the rogue Sam Vimes?

DRUMKNOTT
I believe so, sir.

PATRICIAN
How interesting.

DRUMKNOTT
You ever think about finding a...a wife, sir?

PATRICIAN
Good lord, no. Why would I want a wife?

DRUMKNOTT
They're nice, I hear.

PATRICIAN
Listen to me, Drumknott.
("Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" from Evita)

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still haven't time, after all that I've done

You won't believe me
All that you see is a man growing old
Although he's Patrician of Ankh
And Morpork, and could have you sold

I had to let it happen, I had to rule
Couldn't stay all my life as a lord
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun

So I chose freedom
Running around, making laws, holding court
And nothing surprised me at all
I've known it all before

Don't cry for me, Ankh-Morpork
The truth is, I have the office
That's all I wanted, that's all I've fought for
And now I've got it
And I am happy

And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all to desire
They are illusions
They are not the solutions they promise to be
Patricians must know this at once
Control, what I have, don't you see...

Don't cry for me, Ankh-Morpork
The truth is, I rule and love you
All through my young days
That mad existence
I kept my promise
So keep your distance.

ACT TWO

LEONARD DA QUIRM:
("The Circle Game" by Joan Baez)
In the last act, two watchmen fell in love
A rogue fell for another watchman too
Throat Dibbler tried to sell a couple sausages,
And a flautist almost fell off the roof
Now we're on to act two and I must say
I'm not sure why I'm here for this cameo
Except that someone thought it might be interesting
And so I thought I'd give it a go

And the seasons, like love, move along
Like a spinning thing with horses on
But I bet I could make it work better;
Give me a spanner and I'll change the world
With one or two machines
And go on and on oh wait
Let me fix this scene...

[Leonard exits, repairing the moving scenery as he goes]

***

LADY SYBIL:
Settle down, everyone. Where's Sam got to?

DIBBLER:
Dunno, miss. Sausage?

LADY SYBIL:
Er, no, thanks.

DIBBLER:
Startin' to rain, miss. Best get inside.

LADY SYBIL:
Watchmen like the rain, Dibbler.
("Singin in the Rain", from the musical)

I'm singing in the sleet
Just singin' in the sleet
What a glorious feeling, but
I can't feel my feet

I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
My fingers are numb
But who cares? I'm in love

Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the snow
Now I can't feel my face

But I walk down the street
Though I can't feel my feet
Singin', just singin' in the Sleet

[Lady Sybil does a soft-shoe number, in an attempt to keep warm]

***

CARROT:
I don't like to do this, Mister Vimes.

SAM VIMES:
I'm not that crazy about being locked up, either, Carrot.

CARROT:
("In the Jailhouse Now", folk tune)
I had a friend named Samuel Vimes
He used to steal, all of the time
He thought he was the smartest guy around
Well Ramkin laid a warrant
And we locked him up right quick
They've got him in the Watch Cells way downtown

He's in the watch cells now
He's in the watch cells now
He tried to court a Guard
He shoulda stuck to playin' cards
He's in the watch cells now...

***

Several WATCHMEN troop in, and begin various tasks; shining armour,
writing reports, making cocoa, as they begin to sing.

(Medley; "Jacob's Ladder", folk hymn; "How Do They Rise Up" by Terry
Pratchett, far as I can tell; "Music of the Night" by Andrew Lloyd
Webber; "Matter of Trust" by Billy Joel; "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
by The Mamas and the Papas)

ALL
One, two
One two three four -

WATCHMAN #1
We are climbing Brutha's ladder
We are climbing Brutha's ladder
We are climbing Brutha's ladder
Children of Great Om...

WATCHMAN #2
All the little angels rise up, rise up
All the little angels rise up high

WATCHMAN #3
How do they rise up, rise up, rise up
How do they rise up, rise up high?

WATCHMAN #4
Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences

SAM VIMES
Some love is just a lie of the heart
A coal remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when.

WATCHMAN #1
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder

CAPTAIN CARROT
In Ankh-Morpork, the mighty city
The people sleep tonight
In Ankh-Morpork, the grubby city
The Watchman walk tonight...

WATCHMAN #2
They rise heads up, heads up, heads up
They rise heads up, heads up high

CAPTAIN CARROT
Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your face away from cold, unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night...
er...
Watch...

SAM VIMES
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust

WATCHMAN #1
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder
Children of Great Om

CAPTAIN CARROT
(to Sergeant Angua)
I know you have doubts
but for the gods' sake don't shut me out

SAM VIMES
All the little angels rise up, rise up

WATCHMAN #4
Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation

WATCHMAN #1
We are climbing Brutha's ladder

CAPTAIN CARROT
I won't hold back anything
and I'll walk away a fool or a king.

SAM VIMES
All the little angels rise up high

CAPTAIN CARROT
Turn your face away from the garish light of day

ALL
We are climbing Brutha's Ladder

WATCHMAN #1
Children of Great Om.

A pause.

SAM VIMES
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
A knob on the end, a knob on the end...

***

SERGEANT ANGUA:
It'll never work, Carrot. It's too hard. I'm going to have to leave
the city, sooner or later.

CAPTAIN CARROT:
That's nonsense.

SERGEANT ANGUA:
("Tomorrow" from Annie)
Just thinking about
Tomorrow
Fills me with forboding
And with sorrow
Today.

I'm stuck in a day
That's gray
and cloudy
I just hope the moon stays
thin and gaudy
And not full, today!

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you but
Tomorrow
It's only a night away.

CAPTAIN CARROT
("Another Day" from Rent)
Who do you think you are?
You're a sergeant, a watchman, you're a ser(geant)
Angua, hey
The door is that way
Doesn't look like you want to go anyway
Take your armour
Take your chainmail
Take your sword belt
But can you handle -
Well take your fear of the moonlight
Your deep sighs, goodbye, goodnight

SERGEANT ANGUA
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I should - no!
Another time, another place
We'd make a go
We might even escape

CAPTAIN CARROT
There's only us
There's only this
Forget the moon
This chance is yours to miss
No other road
Come on and stay
No day but today.

SERGEANT ANGUA
Tomorrow, tomorrow,
I love you but
Tomorrow -

CAPTAIN CARROT
(speaking)
No day but today.

***

All right, all right, stop throwing noses, I hear you. I hadn't
intended to compose the somewhat gristly ballad "I've Given You My
Heart", but I thought I'd give it a go. Here you are. I accept no blame
for this.

I'VE GIVEN YOU MY HEART
("Free Fallin" by Tom Petty; "I Can't Help", UB-40 - the version I
have, anyhow)

SAM VIMES
She's a good girl
She's a Watchman
Loves Morpork
Probably Ankh too
She's a woman
She prob'ly has morals
Loves the city
What'm I supposed to do?

SERGEANT ANGUA
Wise men say
Only fools date Watchmen
But I can't help
Giving you my heart

CAPTAIN CARROT
Can I say -
You look nice today
And I can't help
Giving you my heart.

Like the Ankh that flows
To the Circle Sea
Filthy, yes, I know
But some things were meant to be

SAM VIMES
Doesn't know me,
Doesn't care to
But she'll take me
If I don't look out
Got my heart wrapped
Around her finger
She just reached in
And pulled it right out

LADY SYBIL
I hate reports
Wish I was doing
something else

SAM VIMES
I can't help
Giving you my heart.

CAPTAIN CARROT
You're a werewolf
Ask me if I care
Means you'll always
Be up for a walk
Come and see the
Colossus of Morpork
You'll enjoy it

SAM VIMES
You're always somebody's dog.

Take my hand
Take my heart out too
I can't help
That I love you.

CARROT, ANGUA, VIMES:
Can I say
That I've come apart
And I can't help
Giving you my heart.

LADY SYBIL:
Blasted report. Here, knock off that singing! Some of us are trying to
work, thanks so much!