Disclaimer- Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and is not mine, however much I might wish differently. However, I am not making any money off of this, so please do not sue me!

Author's Notes- This is actually highly disturbing and I really don't know what possessed me to write this. It just popped into my mind and wouldn't go away. I'm a huge Lily/Snape fan and one day I was thinking about an even darker, more depressing pairing. What would Lily/Lucius be like? I've read a couple fanfics for the couple, but not many, so I decided to write one. This focuses on Lucius and is dark and angsty. It's not a happy piece by any stretch of the imagination. Sorry, I don't do those very well. Also, this has nothing to do with any of my other Lily fics. This stands completely on it's own. That's all, enjoy and please tell me what you think, I always like hearing other people's opinions of my stories!

Spoilers- Minor ones for all four books, I guess.

Pairing- Lucius/Lily

Summery- Sometimes he was haunted by the memories of her and the one perfect summer they had shared.

Rating- PG-13

Lucius Malfoy often looked at the woman who had given him a son, the woman who in the eyes of the law was his wife, and all he saw was what she was not.

He did not love Narcissa, he never had and never would.

Love was a foolish emotion, that he paid no heed to. Not anymore.

What he and Narcissa had was a mutually beneficial relationship with no emotions involved.

Not even towards his son did Lucius really feel anything.

Oh, he felt pride when he looked at the boy and occasionally anger or disappointment, but he didn't love him. Draco was his son and heir, nothing else.

Only once in his life had Lucius ever really felt love and it was not an experience he ever wanted to repeat.

It was an affair that had been doomed from the start, but for a brief moment, Lucius actually thought he might get a happy ending.

He had been such a fool.

Still, he often remembered that summer. Mostly in the dead of night when he sat alone in his study, unable to sleep, his thoughts haunted by her.

It was only then that he allowed himself to dwell on what had been, what might have been, and what would never be again.

Her face was still as clear as day to him. The most beautiful face he had ever seen.

Oh, Narcissa was a very beautiful woman, some might call her the most beautiful woman they had ever seen, but her face did not have the joy and kindness that this girl's face had held.

And it was those emotions that made her so lovely. She had been so good, so pure. Everything he had never been and was certainly not now.

But that one summer, he had tried to be.

For her. He would have done anything for her, but it was not to be.

Sometimes, Lucius said her name out loud. Just to hear it.

Lily.

Beautiful and simple, just like her.

Yes, his beautiful Lily.

He remembered everything about her. Her youth, her innocence, what it had been like to touch her, to feel her.

But most of all, he remembered what it was like to have her love him.

He often closed his eyes and let the memories wash over him. The whole story playing in his mind, almost against his will.

He had been thirty and already in the Dark Lord's service when he met her. She had been only sixteen and full of light.

They had met through his cousin, Julia, who had been in Ravenclaw just like Lily and in the same year. Julia had invited Lily to come stay with her for the summer and Lucius had been visiting his Aunt and Uncle to gather information and to use his Uncle's contacts to cement his position with the ministry.

He had seen the summer as just another way to get more power, he had never imagined that he would almost lose everything he had worked for. And all for a pretty little red-headed mudblood.

He couldn't remember how it had started, just that it had.

That as the summer progressed, he had stopped seeing her as a child, but as a woman. He had stopped caring about her lack of magical blood and only cared about the fact that nobody else had ever made him feel the way she had.

He had known it was wrong, he had already agreed to marry Narcissa once she graduated from Hogwarts, but he hadn't cared. For a moment, he had even thought about breaking it off with Narcissa to be with Lily, despite the fact that he knew his parents would never accept her.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. All that mattered to him was Lily and how she made him feel.

He looked into her green eyes and he saw a world he had never even dreamed of. When Lily gave herself to him body and soul, he felt a peace that he had never known was possible. And with her, he felt the love he had never dared imagine.

Even years later, he was still haunted by what it was like to touch her, to lose himself inside of her.

Sometimes he swore that he could still feel her, could still taste her.

But he knew that it was only his imagination. After all, those days were long gone.

But for a while, he had thought that they could last forever.

How wrong he had been. The Dark Lord had found out and had ordered him to end it, utterly disgusted at Lucius' relations with the mudblood. He had made it clear that if Lucius did not end it, he would kill the girl.

Lucius had struggled over that decision. For a wild, insane moment, he had even been tempted to give up everything and run away with Lily, just so that he could be with her.

He loved her and could not bear life without her. She made him feel and he could not give that up. He would sacrifice everything before he sacrificed her.

Then he discovered the existence of James Potter in Lily's life. Just as he had made up his mind, to turn his back on it all to be with Lily, he learnt the truth in a shattering moment.

As the summer drew to an end, he could see Lily slipping away from him. Though his mind was occupied with the decision he had to make, he had inquired about it.

Finally, Lily had looked up at him with tears in her eyes. With a shaky voice, she confessed how guilty she felt.

She told him that he had swept her away and made her forget the reality.

He had curiously asked what those realities were, never prepared for the answer.

Lily hadn't looked at him as she told him the truth. About how she and James Potter had been together since their fourth year, how she was very much in love with him. How they were planning on marrying after graduation.

Lucius had just stared at her, unable to believe what he had just heard. In a low voice he had asked her what that meant to the two of them.

Lily voice cracked as she told him that she loved him, Lucius, more than she had imagined. That being with him was like being in a dream. That she had never even imagined anything so perfect.

Lucius had breathed a sigh of relief then, sure that Lily had realized her relationship with Potter had been a mistake and that it was over now, and he had drawn her into his arms.

Lily had stayed there for a moment and then pulled back. Her voice was sad as she told him that as much as she loved him, she would never be able to live with herself if she hurt James.

"He loves me *so* much and I made a promise to him." She had whispered desperately. "How can I break that promise, when I know that James would never even think of breaking it? When I know that James would never betray me the way I've betrayed him."

Lucius had stared at her in horror as Lily begged him to forgive her, to understand.

Then, she had run off in tears, leaving him standing there in shock. He couldn't believe it.

Everything had crumbled around him. He had fallen in love, only to have her play him for a fool. He couldn't believe that he had been willing to give up everything for a woman already promised to another man.

His broken heart soon turned to anger and he swore to make her pay. To make every mudblood pay for the pain that he had felt because of Lily Evans.

He had married Narcissa after all, while Lily married James.

For Lucius, life had gone on like he had always planned. Except, he had never wagered on the emptiness that would never go away. Or of the fact that the memory of one summer and the girl he had loved and then lost would haunt the rest of his life.

Nor had he expected to feel such an overwhelming loss when he heard of Lily's death. It was strange, she had already been lost to him, but he couldn't believe that she was truly gone. That he would never see her again.

Except he had.

In his dreams, he often saw her, just as she had been that long ago summer.

And as he sat in the dark and remembered, her image was with him always.

A taunting reminder of what he had wanted, but had never had.

Would never have.

The End