Severus Snape's Guide to Hogwarts.

Chapter Five - The Subjects.

As Britain's only academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogwarts would be nothing but a boarding house for uneducated and underage witches and wizards if it was not for its fine range of subjects. Mixed among the subtly brilliant subjects are branches of magic specifically devised for the less intellectual student. There are a wide range of different and diverse subjects for students to choose from, and quite often a students personality can be easily deciphered by looking at their subject choices.

Ancient Runes.

(Option from 3rd year onwards). Not a class for complete dunderheads, Ancient Runes can be considered one of the harder subjects owing to the fact that it is essentially learning another language. Quite pointless unless you intend to pursue a career studying ancient magic and/or magical artefacts, but a relatively safe subject for students who have reckless wands and wandering minds.

Arithmancy.

(Option from 3rd year onwards). This class is concerned with the magical properties of numbers. Once again, it is not a class for the slow student, but the lack of wand-work and lethal plants/animals/ingredients makes it safer than some other options. This subject is a prerequisite for quite a few jobs involving breaking curses and other occupations concerning number magic.

Astronomy.

(Compulsory from 1st - 5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). The study of the stars and planetary movements is an ancient art dating back to our earliest ancestors. To excel in this subject, students must be patient, thorough and have the ability to handle late night classes. The dedicated students of this subject often develop nicely toned thighs, but have a tendency to fall asleep during day-time subjects. It is a good background for several other subjects at Hogwarts, and is helpful lead-in to many careers.

Care of Magical Creatures.

(Option from 3rd year onwards). While this subject has the potential to be useful, the current status of teaching staff means that it is nothing more than a dangerous joke. A popular class among Gryffindors and other students with a fetish for danger, this subject is considered a fairly easy choice academically. When taught by a competent teacher, this subject has the capacity to be beneficial for anyone wishing to pursue a career working with Magical Beasts.

Charms.

(Compulsory from 1st - 5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). Most of the basic day-to-day spells are taught in the class, including such charms as levitation, silencing, cleaning and light-producing spells. Naturally, other more useless charms are taught as well, but one could argue that all the practise helps to improve spell-casting technique. Others would say they are merely a waste of time. A potentially risky class, the more absent minded students are often a hazard to their classmates and teacher - many a student ends each day in the hospital wing as a result of over-eager wands. A prerequisite for most jobs, especially those involving much wand work. Also useful for future home makers.

Defence Against the Dark Arts.

(Compulsory from 1st-5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). Perhaps if this class was taught by a competent teacher rather than the horrid excuses Dumbledore has hired consistently for the past 15 years, it would be a particularly useful subject. As it is, each class is merely a romp through the Dark Arts with a severely unqualified joke of a professor. We can only hope that one day in the near future Dumbledore will make an enlightened choice for this teaching position and bless Hogwarts students with a suitable instructor. Until such happy day, this subject is a complete waste of time. If taught properly, however, this subject could guide students into many career opportunities, and have the added bonus of arming them against the many perils of the Wizarding World.

Divination.

(Option from 3rd year onwards). Most certainly the most pathetic option available, this subject is designed with the lazy students and the gullible students in mind. Successful predictions are very rare and true seers are born that way - it is not a skill you can be taught. Nevertheless, this subject continues to enlighten the easily impressed. Will not lead to any dignified career.

Flying.

(Compulsory in 1st year). Taught only to first year students, this class is an attempt to tutor young witches and wizards in the correct art of broomstick travel. While you would think that any Professor teaching this subject would be well-known to the perils of leaving the earth with nothing more than a glorified tree branch underneath oneself, this class has a rather high injury count which makes one wonder why such a person was hired for the job if they cannot even cast simple cushioning charms. Nevertheless, it is a useful skill to have whether the student will use it during Quidditch, as a means of travel, or merely as another way to abuse his or her magical abilities.

Herbology.

(Compulsory from 1st-5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). At first glance, this subject may seem rather wishy-washy, however it can come in very useful. While the potential for injuries during this class is quite high, the emergency trips to the hospital wing has been impressively low over the past years. This subject is a prerequisite for many jobs, including Magical Plant Propagation, Healing and Potions Making.

History of Magic.

(Compulsory from 1st-5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). It is very rare to find a student who will excel in this subject - to fully grasp the detailed nature of this subject requires a level of patience and attention span that few Hogwarts students possess. As such, it is unlikely that Hogwarts students will learn much from their ancestors past mistakes and will go on to fight in Goblin rebellions in the future. A prerequisite for many jobs, History of Magic can be a very useful subject for the more cerebral student.

Muggle Studies.

(Option from 3rd year onwards). This subject rarely appeals to the students who enjoy making loud bangs and wanton wand waving which creates a pleasant learning environment for the few students who choose to take it. An interesting subject for students brought up in Wizarding households, this class fails to convey truly important information but supposedly helps to promote Muggle appreciation. A prerequisite for any job involving Muggles, Muggle Artefacts and Muggle-Wizard relations.

Potions.

(Compulsory from 1st-5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). Quite certainly the most unappreciated of the magical arts, Potions is a class where anything less than perfect can have disastrous results. Unfortunately for the under- appreciated Professor, this subject is compulsory for years 1 to 5. After the OWL examinations, the more pathetic students are weeded out from the select few to receive satisfyingly good results. Due to the delicately subtle nature of potion making, the sincerely wonderful potential for this subject is lost on the vast majority of students. It is a very rare occasion to find a student truly worthy of tutelage in this subject, however Dumbledore has set measures to ensure that even the most ridiculously unworthy student has five years to make as many explosions, accidents and disasters as possible. The most likely students to excel in this class are from Slytherin, whilst the other houses are usually represented by only one or two students in the 6th and 7th year classes. This subject is a prerequisite for many careers, including Healers and Aurors.

Transfiguration.

(Compulsory from 1st-5th year. Option for 6th and 7th). Another useful subject that has the potential for many magical accidents. Thankfully most students are cut from this class before human transfiguration is taught. While many students enjoy the wand waving and incantation reciting opportunities that this class brings, few can properly grasp the intricate technicalities of this subject. A prerequisite for various jobs, Transfiguration has the potential to lead to many worthwhile careers.

Whilst some subjects are better suited to the studious, Hogwarts certainly caters to the foolhardy idiots who also attend this fine institution - there are countless opportunities for the reckless students to injure themselves and their unfortunate classmates. Many subjects are notorious - whether for their utter pointlessness, their perilous content or their more difficult nature, however most students thankfully never survive even one year in an option that does not suit them. Unfortunately for the Professors of compulsory subjects, five years of hell is must be painfully endured before the pathetic students can be barred from the classroom - feel free to vent your anger at the system by liberally removing points from the Gryffindor student of your choice.

A/N: Can't get enough of Snape's writing? Why not check out his diary - . ?storyid=1218912