By: Enkidu

Pairings: Bakura/Malik and other slash couples!!! mwa ahaha! Read and find out! Mild Yuri as well.

Warnings: Yaoi. Weirdness. OOC. Bad Language. A lot of character bashing _ Some Yuri. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews...and the threats to have this completed. So, I'm going to work my ass off to finish this freaking chapter and move on with my life!!! ^_^ Thanks to everyone for helping me with this, esp. Bakura's Baby and Silvara who gave me some ideas. So, now I present thee with CHAPTER 5!!!!!

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**Conclusion**

The mysterious purple mist was still seeping into the house slowly until it filled the entire room. The slumbering spirit and the unconscious squirrel were completely oblivious to the room's new inhabitant, which was widely known by now to be Shadi. The towel-headed Egyptian stood in front of Bakura, wearing his traditional outfit with a festive ribbon in the front, which no one knew why it was there, but it was. He cleared his throat loudly.

Bakura tensed up immediately and snapped awake, eyes wide and searching. They landed on Shadi, and he hissed and glared, promising impending doom if it weren't for the cute little squirrel snuggled on his chest.

"Why, Bakura, it's a good thing that you are awake. I have some news for you."

Growl. Glare. Hiss. Scratch. Glare. Growl. Snarl. Foam at the mouth.

"I see," Shadi said, backing away from the rabid tomb robber. "Anyways, let's talk about sex, baby! Let's talk about you and me."

Now, it was Bakura's turn to back away, clutching Malik to his chest protectively. "Get away from us, you sick bastard! Haven't you done enough!?"

"Relax, I'm just here to tell you your punishment is almost done. In a couple of hours, everything will be as it was. Mwa hahahahahaha!!!" Shadi proceeded to fill the room with his merciless, annoyingly evil laughter.

This woke up Malik who blinked a few times then yawned cutely, stretching his arms out and arching his back. Bakura seethed in his sitting position, despising anything cute and despising the fact that even he thought Malik- squirrel was utterly adorable. The squirrel looked at him, dumb, confused animal expression on its face.

"Oh yeah, one more thing," Shadi said after he had finished laughing, which took about a whole twenty minutes to complete.

"What?" Bakura asked through clenched teeth, grabbing the squirrel off his chest and placing on his shoulder.

A manic grin planted itself on Shadi's face, and he looked about seconds from having an orgasm. "Well, when you wake up tomorrow, today will start over again and nobody will remember anything that happened today...but you."

The dark spirit's jaw dropped, and his eyes widened. "WHAT!!!! You mean I have to tell Malik I want to fuck him senseless AGAIN!"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Growl. Snarl. Hiss. Scratch. Glare. Middle finger. Curse.

"Well, I best be off," Shadi said suddenly. "I have an appointment with that cute Latin male masseuse named Rodrigo. Tuda loo!" He took off skipping outside of the door, forgetting to use his overly elaborate fruity exit, not that anyone minded, of course.

"May the gods have pity on poor Rodrigo's hands," Bakura muttered, standing up slowly and walking to his bedroom. He fell into the bed, placing the squirrel on his pillow and promptly fell asleep, even though Malik was jumping up and down 'eeking' and 'squeeking' his little head off. Bakura had to constantly remind himself that tomorrow, they will finally get to screw no matter what happens, and Shadi will have his nuts cut off if he dare impede. That night, the tomb robber had pleasant dreams of disembowing certain millenium item holders. Malik was excluded because he was over in the corner doing erotic things to a pole in his dream.

~The Next Morning~

Bakura was awoken to the sun blinding his closed eyes and the sounds of hyperactive pigeons chirping at the top of their lungs. He absently grabbed a convenient basket ball from the floor and chucked it at the pigeons, narrowly missing them and knocking yet another squirrel from the branch. He slowly got up from bed, feeling groggy and disconnected like those patients in the the nyquil commercials. He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and scratching his disheveled hair, which was currently sticking out everywhere.

He glanced around the room, a forboding feeling at the pit of his stomach or perhaps that was the rat burger he had yesterday. He slowly climbed out of his his bed, yawning and stretching, vaguely wondering if he was forgetting something. He had had the strangest dream that Shadi had come to his house and cursed him for stealing the ankh. It was beyond unusual, and he was mildly disappointed that the few minutes of making out with a certain Egyptian had been entirely fake.

"But, it's not a dream!" The eerie pigeon that was perched outside Bakura's window said suddenly.

The tomb robber's eyes widened in shock, and he began to question his wavering sanity, which wasn't really wavering since it was already long gone. "Okay......whatever you say."

"I'm not a pigeon, you idiot!" The pigeon yelled, even though he was indeed a pigeon.

"Then what are you? A shoe?" Bakura hissed in return, looking for another random object to throw at the bird.

The bird snorted at that. "I am actually the great, mystifying Shadi, talking to you through a bird."

The dark spirit blinked once, then twice, then a third time. {Figures it would be Shadi.} "Why are you talking to me through a bird when you can just show up using that inane purple gas and pop in like you always do?"

"Because the purple mist isn't working, and there is no way someone as awesome as me will stoop to your level and use the door!" Shadi explained via pigeon. Bakura just rolled his eyes and slammed the window close.

{Was it just a dream? HOLY CRAP! It was real, wasn't it!?! Wait a minute...that means...}

"Malik wants to fuck me!!" Bakura yelled at the top of his lungs.

Ryou chose that perfect moment to enter the room, wide-eyed and carrying a basket of laundry. "Uh...excuse me?" He said in a soft, innocent voice.

Bakura quickly snapped his mouth shut, grinning wildy at his hikari. He stood up and hugged him tightly adding an extra squeeze to it. "Don't worry about it, Ryou."

"Well, Malik called you while you were asleep. He said something about needing to fix his sink," Ryou squeeked out, feeling his bones being crushed. Bakura immediately released him with a dreamy look on his face. He couldn't help it. He was practically floating on air with his giddiness. He then remembered an interesting fact about his other half.

"Hey, Ryou, where do you keep all your original porn, anyways? I've never seen it around?" The tomb robber asked deviously, his mouth curling into a triumphant smirk.

Ryou immediately turned a deep shade of red and froze in place. "W-what do you mean?" He asked, mustering an innocent smile. {How does Bakura know!?! I thought I kept them well-hidden!! Oh, he's going to kill me...especially when he finds the porn I've written about him and Malik}

"Come off it, Ryou. We all know you write porn. It's a well-known secret. You're not as innocent as you think we all think you are." Bakura's smirk grew wider if possible. He loved making his other half squirm and fidget nervously. Besides, he needed to get revenge for the little song his hikari made up even though technically it didn't happen.

Ryou's shoulders slumped forward in defeat. "Alright, alright! It's true! I write porn. I'm a porn writer. It's not like I've ever got them published or anything, but I do hope to one day." He said the last part with an almost dreamy look on his face. Who would've known the silver-haired 'angel' was so adamnt about his little hobby.

"Well! Let me see! Let me see!" Bakura cried out, jumping up and down rather excitedly, which Ryou should have found unusual, but he didn't for some reason.

"Erm...I ...can't..It's embarassing," Ryou said quickly, his face pale, now.

Bakura growled and grabbed his other half by the front of his shirt, looking into his eyes threateningly. "Show me, or I'll tell everyone you sleep with a Scooby Doo night light."

Ryou's eyes widened, and he pointed under his bed. Bakura let the boy drop to the floor and scurried underneath the boy's bed, fetching a large, cardboard box with the words 'Porn' written on the side in magic marker. {Oh, yeah, Ryou, that's not obvious} He pulled the box out and uncovered the top, sifting through various packets of paper with messy scrawl on them. He picked one called "The Whole 8-Incher" and looked at it curiously. He flipped through it casually, his eyes widening when he realized who were the two main characters. "Ryou, you have a lot of explaining to do."

By now, Ryou was quivering on the other side of the room, a baseball bat clutched in his hands. "Erm...you and Malik are interestingly sexy," he said weakly, hoping his other half would accept it and leave him alone. The words fell deaf on Bakura's ears as he focused completely on the text in front of him, feeling himself harden, picturing it all vividly in his head. He never knew his hikari could write such graphically delicious sex scenes, and the things Malik was doing to him. {Oh gods, I think I'm going to need some alone time.}

"Erm...Bakura?" Ryou said worriedly, realzing Bakura hadn't moved or said anything in the last five minutes, only making small groaning, pleased sounds.

The booklet fell from Bakura's lax fingers and the tomb robber took off running at the speed of lightening, flying down the stairs and out the door. {...}

Ryou blinked at the door, swinging brokenly off its hinges. His lips curled into a grin, and he grabbed his notebook pad, inspired by the recent events. "I shall call this one...'Hand me a Screw'."

Meanwhile, Bakura found himself already at Malik's door, kicking it open and running inside. He looked around quickly facing Isis who was currently leaned over the kitchen table a mug in her hands. She gazed at him with a curious expression. Underneath the sink, there were two denim clad, slim legs slightly bent over, the upper body tucked away under the sink. Bakura's mouth curled up in a grin, and he sauntered over to the body. He bent down next to it, slowly running his hands over the legs, heading up the inner thighs and stroking them. All of the sudden, the drop of a wrench was heard.

"What are you doing?" Isis shrieked, glaring daggers at him.

Bakura frowned in confusion and looked as the body came out from underneath the sink. "Mai!?" The tomb robber exclaimed in surprise.

Mai also had her eyes wide and was thoroughly confused. Then, Bakura was hit with a realization. {Mai and Isis are dating!! Oh, shit. That would explain why Isis looks like she wants to kill me, and why Mai is here to begin with.} "This is not how it looks! I thought she was ..erm..and...uh..where's Malik, anyways?"

Isis calmed down, understanding completely. {He thought Mai was my brother...hm...I knew those two wanted to get into each other's pants} "He's in the shower. He spent all morning trying to figure out how to fix the pipes before he gave up and decided to take a shower. Then, Mai decided to help me out."

Bakura grinned at the thought of the other in the shower and remembered how horny he had been. "I better go see if he's done," he started to walk towards the Egyptian's bedroom. "Oh, yeah. When are you going to tell him about your girlfriend?"

Isis's eyes widened, and her jaw dropped. She struggled to say something for a few minutes. {How did he know?}

Bakura just smirked and walked inside Malik's room, shutting the door behind him. He heard the shower still running and started to remove his clothes, throwing them all on the floor. {That better be Malik in there in perfect human condition, or someone's going to die painfully}

He slowly moved towards the bathroom, opening the door slowly, a cloud of steam hiding everything. Through the fog, he could see the outline of the Egyptian's perfect body behind clear shower curtains. His eyes were closed, and his head was dipped back, letting the warm water wash all over him. He sighed pleasantly, his hands roaming over his tanned skin, lathering soap into it.

Bakura's mouth went dry, and he licked his lips in anticipation, Ryou's porn coming back to his mind. He inched towards the shower, pulling the see- through curtains aside and climbing in behind the other. He wrapped his pale arms around the other's body, pulling it against him, and leaning into his ear to whisper,"I want you, right here, right now."

Malik's body tensed, and he turned around quickly in the other's embrace, his lavender eyes wide and full of desire. He was about to respond to that when he was cut off by a pair of pliant lips on his. For the next few hours, the only things that came from his mouth were moans, groans, screams, and the other's name being yelled out in the throes of passion.

Outside of the room, the sink was finally repaired completely by a triumphant Mai. She joined Isis with a cup of peaceful coffee when eerie sounds from Malik's bedroom startled them both. At first it was loud moaning, then, the bed springs of the mattress and a strange thudding against the wall. Finally, Malik was screaming, "Oh gods! That feeeelllsss ssssooo ggooodd!!" and other random comments.

Mai blinked, her face reddening at that. "Isis, I had no idea your brother was so...vocal...in bed."

"I did not want to know that," Isis replied hastily, grabbing her purse and her coat.

"It must run in the family," the blonde girl said with a grin, slipping an arm around Isis's waist as they walked out of the apartment.

After hours of mindless screwing, [Which, I, Enkidu, won't get into detail with because I'm lazy, and I'm not in the mood to get kicked off .] the two boys lay together on the bed in a pile of tangled, sweaty limbs. They were still panting heavily, very sated and content.

"Bakura," Malik said after he finally regained the ability to speak.

"Yes?" the tomb robber, who was currently nuzzling against Malik's chest responded.

"Thanks for jumping me in the shower. How'd you know what I wanted?"

Bakura snorted and rolled his eyes. "Malik you're so damn obvious. I knew you wanted to fuck me."

"Oh, okay. Why'd you wait so long, then?" The Egyptian asked curiously.

The dark spirit just shrugged and gave him a strange grin. "Waiting for the right moment, I guess."

Malik bought it and snuggled up against the other, purring softly. All of the sudden, the low rumble of his stomach alerted him to how hungry he was.

Bakura chuckled softly, sitting up slowly, wincing as he did. {I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow. Oh, well, it was definitely worth it}"Want to get something to eat?"

"Yes. Let's go to that small ice cream shop nearby," Malik suggested as he rose from the bed. He quickly got dressed, much to Bakura's dissapointment and waited for the tomb robber to join him.

Pretty soon, they were both fully dressed and on their way to the ice cream shop. They walked inside casually, sitting down on a booth in the corner. Bakura was looking around, reminiscing the events that took place there but didn't really take place. {Wait a minute, that would mean Yugi and his friends are here.} Sure enough, he heard the tell tale sounds of Honda and Anzu bickering.

Malik groaned, covering his face with his hands. "Why do the gods do this to me? First, I get deliciously fucked, and now, I got to put up with those imbeciles."

"Oh, don't worry," Bakura said with a knowing grin, "I have a feeling things will get a lot more interesting."

"Mint chocolate chip ice cream is so much better than cookies and cream!" Honda said proudly, making Anzu glare in return.

"That's not true, Honda! Cookies and cream is the best. Isn't that right, Yami?" She asked, hugging Yami's arm tightly and fluttering her eye lashes at him. The spirit remained unaffected, too involved in his fantasy about a certain CEO of Kaibacorp. "Right, Yami?" She repeated more firmly.

"Yeah, whatever." {I want to cover Kaiba with cookies and cream and lick it off of him..}

Otogi was busy thoroughly licking all of the vanilla and caramel swirled ice cream off his cone, making a certain blonde haired boy across from him writhe and shift around uncomfortably in his seat. He finished off his cone, sucking hungrily on the end of the cone then licking all his fingers clean. Joey looked about seconds away from coming on his seat.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," Otogi said suddenly, rising from his seat and throwing an inconspicuous wink at Joey.

"I have to use the bathroom, also," Joey said mechanically, trying to sound natural. Everyone just blinked at them and watched as they went off together.

"They go to the bathroom together a lot," Honda observed.

"They do, don't they?" Yugi said mysteriously, eyeing the bathroom door.

"Those two are doing each other," Bakura said from his place at the corner of the ice cream shop.

Malik turned to stare at him. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No, they are."

"Prove it," Malik challenged.

"Alright," Bakura said with an evil grin, getting up from his place and walking across the ice cream parlor to the bathroom. Yugi and his friends noticed and watched him curiously. The tomb robber pushed open the first door then walked into the men's bathroom, glancing around quickly. He was surprised when he saw it was completely empty. Something clicked in his mind. {This is Joey and Otogi. It figures those two horny idiots would go into the wrong bathroom}He walked across to the girl's bathroom and found what he had been looking for: Otogi and Joey making out heatedly, Otogi's hand down Joey's pants and the blonde's hands buried in Otogi's hair. They were moaning and groping excitedly, seconds from screwing against the wall.

Bakura grinned and yelled all of the sudden, "Hey, everyone, look! Otogi and Joey are screwing in the bathroom!"

Within seconds, Malik, Yugi, Yami, Honda, Shizuka, Anzu, and Ryou were standing at the doorway of the bathroom with their mouths open.

"They're gay!?!" Honda asked in disbelief.

"They're being gay together!" Ryou chimed in with some slight humour behind it. {Hm...I knew writing that porn with the two of them would be accurate}

Joey separated from Otogi, blushing as red as he could. "Um...we're rehearsing for a play?" He muttered weakly, knowing that was a little unbelievable at this point.

"Oh, fine! We're gay. We fuck. Now, leave us alone so we can finish," Otogi hissed, feeling a bit sexually frustrated at the moment.

Everyone promptly walked out the room in disturbed silence, retaking their seats around the restaurant.

"They're gay," Honda muttered again, running his hands through his hair...which caused him to accidentally knock off his wig, revealing spiky, turquoise hair.

The others froze in shock.

"This explains so much," Yugi commented as soon as he was released from his stupor. "No one could have hair that pointy."

Honda was quickly trying to cover it up, throwing a napkin over his head. "Don't look at me!!!!!! I'm hideous!!!!!"

"We all knew that already," Anzu muttered under her breath.

"Ho," Bakura said in rapid response, smiling to himself.

"What!?" Anzu said defensively, glaring daggers at the tomb robber, which wasn't the smartest of things, considering his homicidal tendencies.

"You are a HO," He said loudly, although everyone seemed to agree.

"I am not a ho," She hissed.

"Of course you are. You're trying to get down Yami's pants by shoving your breast in his face when it is clearly obvious that Yami is a fruit and very much trying to get down Kaiba's pants," Bakura yelled suddenly, alerting the entire shop.

Yami's eyes were wide, and he had turned pallid, his left eye fidgeting from suppressed rage.

The rest of Yugi and his friends were all staring in shock at the unmoving Yami, surprised beyond belief.

"Oh, dear god. IS EVERYONE IN DOMINO CITY GAY!!!!" Honda yelled suddenly, directing the attention from Yami.

"Honestly, how could no one notice Yami is gay? He's a flaming homo," Yugi remarked casually, causing more surprise and widening of eyes.

"Well, today's a day of interesting revelations," Kaiba said suddenly, startling everyone as he stepped out from another silent corner, Mokouba in tow.

"Where'd he pop out from?" Honda asked, unsuspecting of the other's presence. Everyone just casually shrugged and watched as the drama continued to unfold.

"I was sitting over there, you morons!" Kaiba snapped, pointing to his booth.

Yami was grinning stupidly, memories of an ice cream covered Kaiba flooding his mind. He decided to hell with inhibitions. He wanted him, and he wanted him now. He quickly latched onto the CEO, knocking him onto a convenient table and shoving his tongue into the brunette's mouth. Kaiba's only response was to close his eyes and part his lips for the other, having been horny since he saw the spiky multi-coloured haired boy walk in.

Yugi was grinning happily, glad that his Yami finally decided to take some iniative. Honda was flinching, still recoiling from the fact that people he believed were straight, were, in fact, gay. Bakura was just smirking and openly watching Malik's ass. Malik was scratching his head thoughtfully, fighting off the feeling that he was being watched. Anzu was staring in shock and anger. Shizuka was absently twirling her hair. Otogi and Joey were still making out in the bathroom. Ryou was getting more ideas for another porn.

Suddenly, Malik turned around and let out a sound that seemed vaguely like a strangled sheep. He tapped Bakura's shoulder erratically and pointed at the corner where Isis and Mai were liplocked and looking very pleased about it. "Isis is a lesbian!"

"Great. More gay people," Honda muttered under his breath.

Bakura slapped the idiotic boy, Honda, behind the head for his insolence and grinned at his new lover. "Oh, I meant to tell you about that. Guess I forgot."

Malik just watched completely baffled. "Wow...two gay siblings...what are the odds?"

"Well, Joey and Shizuka are both gay. Well, bisexual, actually," Bakura corrected himself.

"What?" Joey said from the bathroom.

"I meant to tell you," Shizuka said shyly, backing away from the surprised stares.

The only response to that was more loud and eager moaning from Joey who was well into being royally screwed in a bathroom.

Yugi thought about the recent revelations, and all the recent events and noticed a deep connection. Bakura seemed to know a lot of their secrets. It was extremely unnerving, and he absently wondered what the tomb robber knew about him. "Bakura, how do you know all of this about us?"

"What do you mean?" Bakura responded, mustering a clearly false, innocent expression.

Yugi cocked his head to the side thoughtfully. "Well, you knew about Otogi and Jou's relationship. You knew Anzu was a ho. Well, we all knew that, but anyways-"

"I'm not a ho!" Anzu continued to deny.

Yugi just rolled his eyes and continued. "You knew Yami wanted Kaiba, Isis was dating Mai, Shizuka was bi, and that's about it."

"I also know you masturbate," Bakura added with a grin.

Malik growled at that, feeling insanely jealous at that moment. "How the hell did you know that!?"

"Calm down, Malik, I haven't actually SEEN it. I just know about it because..uh.." It quickly became apparent that Bakura was in deep shit. He had just revealed everyone's embarassing secrets, and they were all eyeing his suspiciously. He gulped and looked for a quick exit. He suddenly spotted Shadi buying orange sherbert ice cream at the counter. His mouth curved into an evil grin, and an idea struck him. "I know because Shadi has been pervertedly spying on all of you, and he spilled out everything to me like the idiot he is!"

Several dark and peeved expressions turned towards Shadi. Honda removed a pitch fork from somewhere in his jacket. Anzu took out a can of pepper spray. Malik took out his sennen rod, taking the cap off the blade. Shizuka grabbed a lighter. Ryou took out a pointy pen.

Kaiba and Yami were in an advanced stage of foreplay, so they didn't really care. Otogi and Joey were still screwing in the bathroom, so they didn't care as well. Isis and Mai were still making out in the corner, so let's add them to the list of people who don't care for revenge at the moment.

Bakura took the role of the leader, grabbing a nearby fork and charging towards the towel-headed Egyptian. Everyone followed along, stabbing, poking, and prodding Shadi until he was in an immense amount of pain. They left the man lying in a bloody heap on the floor but still very much alive. Bakura grinned eerily taking out the gayest card from Anzu's deck, which was shining friendship, and trapping Shadi's soul into the card.

The occupants of the ice cream shop suddenly broke out into one of those unusual slow clap moments that happens in movies when one person stands up and starts clapping slowly then everyone joins until they are clapping quickly in unison.

Malik grinned proudly at the white-haired tomb robber and grabbed him, dragging him outside of the ice cream shop to the nearby alley.

Bakura watched him curiously and opened his mouth to question the other's weird behaviour, but Malik filled the other's open mouth with his tongue, pressing him against the wall and quickly removing his clothes. He pulled back for a few seconds just to say, "Gods, you're so fucking hot when you do something evil." Thus signaled hot and sweaty sex in an abandoned alley.

In the end, everyone was happy...except for Anzu and Honda. But, who really cares about them, anyways?

The squirrels all rejoiced, forgiving Bakura for his mistreatment because he had gotten rid of Shadi, whom they apparently didn't like at all.

Ryou continued to write his porn.

Otogi and Joey ended up having sex 3 times in the girl's bathroom.

Yami and Kaiba went back to his mansion where they proceeded to screw an indefinite number of times. Mokouba was very traumatized.

Shizuka upgraded from being bi to being fully lesbian.

Isis and Mai enjoyed a blossoming love life, which Malik was still a little bit shocked about.

Yugi still masturbates. [-_-;;;]

Shadi no longer bothered anyone since he remained trapped in the card for quite some time.

Finally, there was Bakura and Malik...

They were both laying on Malik's bed once again, fully sated. Bakura was curled up into the Egyptian's chest, absently running his fingers over his skin. Meanwhile, Malik was lying down, frowning slightly in confusion. Bakura noticed this and decided to question him about it.

"What's wrong?" The tomb robber asked.

Malik blinked a few times and turned to look at him. "All day long, I had the strangest craving for nuts."

Bakura snickered at that and closed his eyes, saying, "Goodnight, Malik."

Malik just shrugged it off and closed his eyes as well, preparing to settle for sleep. Now, it was Bakura's turn to blink rapidly, remembering something that had been bothering him for quite a while. "Malik?"

"Yes?" Came the tired response.

"What does it mean if someone asks you 'What do you like better? Hotdogs or tacos?' ?"

Malik chuckled at that, petting the other's hair softly. "Use your imagination, Bakura." He closed his eyes, starting to drift off into sleep.

Bakura's eyes widened all of the sudden. "OoOh!" He said in revelation. "The hotdog is supposed to represent the guy's-"

"Yeah, pretty much," Malik cut him off.

Bakura smiled in understanding, and they both fell into a peaceful slumber.

-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9- It's finished! Woo hooo! Okay, I know this chapter wasn't funny, this time. i rushed through it,and I was hardly concentrating when I wrote it. I was just desperate to finish so I can move on to other projects. Anywho, Merry Xmas and I hope you enjoy this. Plz review. Don't flame. That's just not nice.