Just another silly, useless spamfic. I'm sorry, it's just that I read this:
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and couldn't help but think of Dragon Knights. Yes, I know, it's no excuse. I am forever shamed.

Please note, though, that I didn't write the descriptions. That's what makes it so darn funny to me.

"Finally... home..." Rune flopped onto a couch in the library, basking in the sunlight. It was so welcoming here, surrounded by wood and the smell of well-kept tomes. The only thing to disturb his rest was the persistent noises of the other two knights rummaging through the aisles. His suspicion rising, Rune opened an eye. "What are you two looking for?"
"Nothing!" said Thatz, quickly hiding the Zagat Guide to Enchanted Eateries behind his back. Beside him, Rath did the same with Fodor's Guide to Demon Locations.
Rune heavily doubted any new interest in the academic, but it was warm and he was tired. He closed his eyes again and ignored the sounds of shuffling and muffled glee.
Then Rath's voice. "Hey, what's this?"
"Hm?"
"Strange book..."
"More like a pamphlet."
They quietly chorused the title together. "What Your Name Says About Your Sexual Identity."
He was trying to ignore them and sleep, even as twitchmarks appeared around him and the inevitable whisper came.
"...let's check under R."
He popped up beside them. "WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"
"No shouting in the library, Rune," said Rath with a guiltless smile.
"Calm down, Rune, it's not like it works." said Thatz. "It even only goes by the first letter, see? 'R: You are--'"
Thatz dropped the book to catch the sword.
"No fighting in the library!" sang Rath. Apparently someone'd needed to tell him this. While they struggled, he picked up the book. "'You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual.'"
"Sounds right to me," said Thatz, currently the recipient of some of that action. Rune growled.
"'You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal--the smarter the better.'" Rune moved in to tackle, but was held back by Thatz. "'You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you.'"
"The time he spends on his hair." Thatz nodded.
"I don't spend that long on my hair!"
"'You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg. You are willing to serve as teacher.'"
Rune struggled again, with better success as Thatz was now laughing uncontrollably. He faked a feminine voice. "Teacher, teach me!"
"Thaatz!"
"'Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.'" Rath looked up. "Wow, Rune's a closet pervert."
With Thatz rolling around on the floor, Rune finally broke free and grabbed the book. He was blushing furiously and trying to come up with a retort, not at all helped by the fact that half his audience couldn't hear anything over his own laughter and the other half was smiling innocently, as though he hadn't understood a word he'd read.
"You know this is stupid. It would give Rath and Ruwalk the same thing!"
Rath considered this. "Teacher, teach me?"
Thatz went into another round of giggle-fits.
"Try under 'T', Rune."
There was a pause as Rune weighed the level of his immaturity and Thatz got himself under control. But never let it be said that bishounen don't have a darker side.
"T," recited Rune in his best speaking voice, "'You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive--'"
"Passive?" squeaked Thatz.
"So it is 'teacher, teach me.'" said Rath.
"'You like a partner who takes the lead.'"
"I do not!"
"'Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy and extremely intense.'" It was Thatz' turn to blush and try to snatch the book. Rune danced out of his way. "'You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased.'"
"Kink-y," said Rath, still looking innocent.
Thatz leapt for the book again and was tackled.
"'You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.'" Rune closed it. "Thatz is a sappy teenage girl."
"All right, all right, you got me back." Thatz stuck his tongue out at Rune, having lost interest. But Rath tugged the book back and opened it again, glancing down at it curiously.
"Lessee, Alfeegi--you are a hard ass and a cold fish."
Rune knit his eyebrows. "Does it actually say that?"
"No," Rath grinned. "'You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person.'"
"Sounds like hardass-cold fish to me." said Thatz.
"'When it comes to sex, it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the 'hunt' invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear;'"
"Blackmail material," said Thatz. Rune rolled his eyes.
"However, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern."
"So, closet pervert like Rune." Thatz translated. "Except for me, these seem kind of accurate."
"They're probably written so everyone fits every answer at least a little." said Rune.
Rath was still scanning down the pages. "'K: You are totally f-ing marvelous.'" He blinked a few times. "That's all it says."
Thatz grinned. "We should tell Kai-Stern that."
"Well, we know the author's name starts with a K."
"L--" Rune tackled Rath before he could get any further.
"You are not reading the lord's!"
Rath refused to give up, though, fending Rune off with one arm and holding the book away with the other. "'You ... romantic... idealistic ... believe--to love means to sufferr--ack! Catch, Thatz!"
"Don't you dare!"
The two tusseled while Thatz debated--did he really want to get in that much trouble? But the phrase 'sappy teenage girl' came to mine, and, well... "'You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by plays and books. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.'"
"Wow, that could be him. Hmm..."
Rath's contemplative expression only infuriated Rune more. He pointed at the book and called it awful names like 'indignant,' which really better described himself.
Thatz skipped down the book with only vague interest until suddenly, his jaw dropped. He looked so dumbfounded that Rune paused in his cursing ("foul, unappreciative binder!") and Rath in his contemplation ("I bet he really does get off on books,") to ask him what it was.
"Uh... uhhh... under N..."
Rath blinked. "Nadil?"
"It says..."
"What?"
Thatz read it in a daze. "....'you are crap in bed.'"
The other two stared at him a moment before coming over and looking for themselves. It did say this indeed. My word.
Rath cradled the book like a holy article. "It speaks the truth."
Rune took it more seriously. "Think it was written by someone we know?"
"Hm, you're right, that handwriting does look a little familiar..." Thatz scratched his head. He and Rune stared at it for a long moment, trying to place it.
Then, they looked slowly but surely upwards.
Rath smacked his hand into his fist. "That's right! I completely forgot about this. It gets so boring just hanging around the castle with nothing to do, and--"
And the 'no fighting in the library' rule was never broken again, because there was no library left after that.

(Dragon Knights: Says About You) end