|Hail Mary Sue
Author: Maran Zelde PM
Join me as I make fun of Mary Sues. 'Tis great fun. [Revised]Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,448 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 03-13-03 - Published: 02-13-03 - Status: Complete - id: 1234754
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
BTW, the reviewers who said that Marisu wasn't complete without a stupid SIR will like this chapter, I think. :)
Let's recap: Mary Sue is the Tallests' daughter who came to Earth to escape from Tak, who wants her dead (hey, I don't blame her...uh, I mean...that's horrible!) She and Zim seem to like each other, and she has recently told Dib that she's his mother (gasp!) And did I mention she gets straight A's? Oh yeah, and she's psychic too. No wait, maybe I'm getting mixed up with another fancharacter.
We now continue . . .
Eventually, Marisu noticed Gaz sitting on the bench next to Dib. "What's the matter, Gaz?" she asked with syrupy sweet concern. "You seem so unhappy."
"So is there anything I can do to help you feel better? I'm your mother too, you know."
"Phhh . . . You think being a blood relative changes anything?"
The sensitve Irken thought for a moment. "Maybe not, but there must be something I can do to cure your disease of unhappiness. Hmmmm . . ." Marisu's twinkly eyes suddenly lit up. Good thing Gaz was already squinting. "I know! How would you like a new video game? Video games are the answer to all the world's problems, y'know." She pulled a cartridge out of her pocket and handed it to the human, whose light brown eyes snapped open.
"Vampire Piggy Hunter IV: Death to All Piggies. This hasn't even been released yet!" She looked at the older girl with a mixture of awe and admiration, and at that moment Marisu knew she had her completely under her control. Like giving cookies to a puppy, it was. Gaz actually allowed herself a smile. "You're the best, Mom."
To which Marisu replied, "I know."
She spread her thin arms and wrapped them around the pale girl. (The author is once again getting nauseous . . . The things I do for laughs.) Marisu was just starting to get warm fuzzies when she felt a light tap on her . . . (hm, I'm running out of adjectives) . . . sleek shoulder.
"Hey Marisu...I mean, Mom...are we aliens?" Dib piped up.
"You're, um, half Irken. Yes, that's it!" She ruffled his spiky hair.
The young paranormalist was more perplexed than ever. "Then why don't I look Irken?"
"What's this I hear!" cried Zim, storming over to the little "family reunion," thus saving Marisu from having to come up with an answer. Who knows where Zim's been all this time; probably playing duck duck goose or something similarly out of character. "I finally find someone I like more than ZIM, and here I find out she's spawned my WORST ENEMY?"
"Zim . . ." said Marisu softly, in effort to placate the irate Irken.
Unable to hear her above his own ranting, he continued, "HOW could someone so BEAUTIFUL produce someone so HIDEOUS!"
"He must get it from Dad," Gaz quipped. "Why do you think he wears that collar over his face?"
Zim still wasn't listening. "I trusted you, Marisu! How could you keep something like this from Zi-iiim? I feel so betrayed!"
"ZIM! It is not my fault Dib's your enemy, okay? Besides, like I said before, you should try to destroy that wretched Tak, not each other! And after you do that, you should team up and get revenge on all the earth children who are soooo mean to you!" Marisu beamed proudly as if no one had ever thought of this before.
The small Irken blinked. "Oh! Thank you for showing me the error of my ways! What was I thinking? You're right, I should team up with the Dib human! What do you say, Dib?"
The human shrugged. "If Marisu...er, Mom says we should, who am I to argue?"
That afternoon found Marisu, Zim, Dib, and Gaz in front of Zim's house.
"What theHow did we get here! WHY are we here!" cried Dib, casting a nervous glance at the spooky lawn gnomes.
"Oh relax, Dibby, you're so paranoid!" Marisu said fondly. "It was MY ingenious idea for all of us to come here, remember? That way we can all prepare for when Tak comes!"
"All right, if you say so," Dib responded, giving in to numb submission. Then he added, "Do you know when she'll get here?"
"Well, no, not even I know everything." Her little admirers let out a collective gasp! "But, I do know that she'll come when we least expect it!" Her aesthetically pleasing eyes narrowed and shifted from side to side. Then she brightened. "Zim, are you going to let us in or are we all going to stand here till the quaggas come home?"
"Oh!" Zim seemed to snap out of a trance and quickly opened the door. Once inside, he removed his wig and contacts, causing Gaz to draw a noisy, melodramatic breath.
"You'reyou're an ALIEN!"
Zim was quite puzzled by this overreaction. "Haven't you seen me without my disguise?"
"Oh YEAH!" Gaz smacked the side of her head. "Brain fart!"
Everyone stared at her like she was a total loon.
"Well, Gaz gets the OOC award for today," observed Marisu, switching her own disguise off.
Ah, behold Marisu in all her royal Irken glory! With her irridescent violet-red eyes, and her long, sexy antennae, etc, etc, you get the picture.
Zim summed it up with, "You look great."
"Yes, don't I?" The enchanting female ran a claw over her curly antennae. "Now then, let's have a snack, and th-"
"OooooOOOOOOoooo!" came a high-pitched squeal. Yup, it was Gir. He stuck his head out from under the couch cushions where he'd been hiding for whatever reason. "I wanna taco n' some Acne Blast!" he called.
"Awwwww, he's so kyoot!" Marisu gushed. "I wish I had a SIR just like that!"
"Where is your SIR, anyway?" asked Zim.
"Sadly, she was eaten by a giant blob thing. It was very traumatic."
Before she could start crying for her lost SIR, Zim made an offer. "I could make you a new one."
"SQUEE! Could you really!"
"Of course! Since you like mine so much, I'll just make a copy and give it to you."
"You can do that?"
Marisu clapped her gloved hands, overjoyed that she would have her very own copy of Gir just like all the other non-canon Invaders. "Can we do it NOW!"
"If you wish. GIR! Come with Zim to . . . the copy machine!"
"The copy machine?" Dib hadn't had any lines in a while, and he thought he would explode into itty bitty chunks if he didn't say something soon. "That's the best name you could come up with?"
"Silence, squirmy meat boy!"
"Guys . . ." Marisu warned.
"Eh, don't worry about it, Marisu...uh, Mom," said Gaz. She'd had even less lines than her brother, and being out of character, she felt left out. "Believe it or not, they're happier when they're bagging on each other."
"But they're supposed to get along perfectly now that I'm here to turn their lives around!" the desirable Irken huffed.
A few minutes later, Marisu and those other characters that aren't that important anymore gathered around the copy machine in Zim's lab. Not surprisingly, it resembles a huge Xerox copier. Hey, there are already so many cliches in this story, I figured one more couldn't hurt.
Zim threw some packets of taco sauce on top of the machine, and when Gir jumped up to grab them, he slammed the lid down on the robot.
"Now, watch and be amazed!" cried Zim, pressing the start button.
The copier made a whirring noise, a beam of light passed beneath the lid, and an exact reproduction of Gir hopped out of the machine's side. Well, actually, it wasn't an exact reproduction. It seemed fairly grainy and rough around the edges, because, as everyone knows, a copy is never as good as the original.
"I'm a daddy!" Gir shouted gleefully, peeking out from under the lid.
"Hm, yes, I suppose you are," Marisu mused. Bending toward the newly formed android, she cooed, "Well hewwo dare, wittle guy! You are so kyoot, yessu are!"
"Yeah! Wee hee hoo! And other random stuffs!" yelled the SIR.
Marisu laughed as if this were the funniest thing since sliced bread.
"Oh Gir, you are so FUNNY! . . . Wait, I can't call you Gir, that'd be too confusing. How 'bout I call you . . . Gir the Second!"
Everyone applauded the fair young Irken for her originality.
SUDDENLY, the side door of the copy machine slammed open, and out jumped two figures.
"What's this!" shouted a surprised Zim. "The machine was set to make only one copy!"
"Fool!" one of the figures replied with a British sounding accent. "I was in the copy machine the whole time!"
Ha! I love that gag! Heh heh, heh . . . Okay, so maybe it's not that funny when I do it. Meh, anyway.
"I KNEW IT!" shouted Marisu.
"No you didn't," said one of the Girs. (Pick one. I don't care.)
"That's right, go ahead and lie, Marisu," the purple-eyed Irken sneered. "That's all you're good for."
Marisu was aghast. "Why, I never!"
"Leave Marisu ALONE, evil Tak thing! Computer! Can you not see that there are intruders in the base!"
"Uh, yeah, I knew," droned the computer. "But she said she'd give me monies if I kept quiet . . . Sorry."
"You BRIBED my COMPUTER?"
"Yes, it was quite simple really. Good work, computer, here are your monies." She tossed a few coins at the nearest monitor.
"Uh, thanks . . ." the computer said uncertainly as the coins clattered to the floor.
"You're welcome. Time now for me to capture Pikachu...er, Marisu, and take her to my base, so I can drop her into a vat of barbeque sauce and laugh as it slowly eats away at her flesh! Ta ta!" At this, smoke began to pour out of Mimi's head. You didn't know she could do that, did you? Well, it's MY story, so she CAN!
The smoke filled the room, as did Tak's annoying high-pitched laugh. Zim ordered the computer to turn the vents on, but by the time the smoke cleared, Tak and Mimi had gone, along with Marisu.
Gaz coughed a little. "That was weird."
"Yeah," Dib agreed with raised eyebrow, "I can't believe Tak said 'ta ta.'"
Zim glared sharp, pointy thingies at both of them (yep, he has pointy thingy vision in this story. Woot!) "Have your brain meats been ravaged by worms! Didn't you hear what she said!"
"I know, she's going to dissolve her in barbeque sauce," Gaz stated. "I guess we have save her since the plot revolves around her and all. Hmm, I wonder if Tak's stupid enough to use her old base?"
Yup, apparently she was. She had her reasons, thoughwhere else was she going to get that much barbeque sauce?
Tak had put a dampener on Marisu's Pak, preventing her from using her robot legs and other such appendages. She then attached a cable to Marisu's silver spotted Pak in order to hang her dramatically over an enormous vat of barbeque sauce.
As the lovely Irken was hoisted over the burning liquid, Tak grinned sadistically, and asked (in typical "bad guy" manner), "Any last words before you meet your doom?"
"Yes," said Marisu (no duh!) "You probably expect me to be all scared and beg for mercy, but I will not give you the satisfaction, because I am a brave, dignified, yet somehow helpless Damsel in Distress. Besides, Zim will come and rescue me, and even if he doesn't, he'll at least kick your sorry behind AGAIN after mourning over my gorgeous dead body."
Tak pulled a face. "You know something, you are SICK! SICK, I SAY!"
"Oh look who's talking, Miss I'm-going-to-kill-the-most-amazing-Irken-in-the-universe-just-because-I'm-jealous!"
"I AM NOT JEALOUS! I'm only doing this because you're so bloody ANNOYING, and because I'm sick and tired of all you 'original characters' trying to replace me! There is only enough room for ONE Mary Sue on this show: ME!"
The Damsel was all confuzzled (heh, confuzzled. Is that even a real word?) "Your name's not Mary Sue . . ."
"Not so fast, Tak!" a familiar voice rang out above their curly antennae. The female Irkens looked up and saw Zim standing on a conveniently placed catwalk, accompanied by Dib, Gaz, Gir, and Gir the Second.
"You need to work on your heroic catch phrases, Zim," said . . . oh, I'll let you figure it out. "That one's been done. And besides, what bad timing. They were in the middle of an interesting conversation!"
"How can you concern yourself with 'catch phrases' at a time like this!"
While they argued, the Tallests' daughter flashed a triumphant grin at the female Invader wanna-be. "See! I told you he'd come and save me!"
Tak screamed in rage as the glare from Marisu's teeth blinded her. "You'll PAY for that!" She pulled a lever, releasing the cable that held Marisu. As the attractive female fell toward the toxic sauce, Zim shouted, "GIR! Catch her!"
The original Gir's eyes flashed red as he flew to Marisu and caught her just before she hit the sauce.
"Good work, Gir," said Zim. How often has he said that? "Now, bring her to Zim so we can all get out of here!" Gir did another amazing thing: he obeyed his master twice in a row! Probably because the author is too lazy to think of another way to move the plot along.
Zim and Marisu embraced. "Oh Zim, I knew you'd come! You're my hero!" As she bent to kiss the short Irken, the infinite energy absorbing blob thingy appeared out of nowhere. Without hesitation it grabbed Marisu and popped her into its mouth.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zim. He would have used many exclaimation points to indicate his horror, but this website won't allow that anymore. "Bad energy absorbing thingy! BAD! I command you to spit her out THIS INSTANT!"
The blob thing simply belched in response, then left as quickly and inexplicably as it had arrived.
Oh no, Marisu's dead! Aren't you just so incredibly SAD! The characters expressed their grief in various different ways.
"I finally met my real mom, only to see her get EATEN a few hours later! Why is life so cruel!"
"Aw, now she can't give me any more games."
"NO! Why did she do that! She gave her life for me!"
"No she didn't!"
"Yes she did! Didn't you see the way she selflessly LET the energy absorbing thingy eat her instead of ZIM! So NOBLE and COURAGEOUS!" Notice that Zim doesn't seem to care that he actually MADE that blob thing in the first place (see The Trial).
"I gots no strings t' hold me down, t' make me fret, or make me-" MiMi viciously tackled the Gir that DARED to sing a Disney song.
Having regained her vision, Tak just stood there gaping, still not quite believing what she'd seen a minute ago. Finally she shrugged. "Well, that's not how I thought it would go, but at least she's dead. Since the others are distracted, I might as well kill them too . . . Why am I talking out loud to myself? It's not like me to do that . . ."
She shook her head to clear it, then scuttled over to the compartment where she kept her REALLY BIG gun was hidden. Dib noticed her struggling to lift the gigantic weapon and shouted through his tears, "Look everyone! Tak has a really big gun!"
"No, it's a REALLY BIG gun, and I'm going to use it on your REALLY BIG head!"
"We'll see about that!" yelled Zim. Wow, he's sticking up for Dib? I guess he just hates Tak more. Or maybe the author's having trouble writing this part. Yeah, it's probably that.
"GIR! GIR THE SECOND! Swift double-team tackle high kick attack, NOW!" Surprisingly (or maybe not) the Girs understood the wordy nonsensical command. They charged at Mary Sue...I mean, Tak and MiMi; then they kicked them so hard they flew into the airthrough the roof, even! Man, they should play soccer. The last thing they heard from Tak was a faint "We're blasting off agaaaaain!" before she and her SIR disappeared into the sky with a "ting!"
"That was ridiculously easy," Dib remarked.
"Yes, I feel like they're going to come back and steal my Pikachu...er, my mission."
"Too bad the author can't write fight scenes to save her life."
The boys stared at Gaz, confused as monkeys in an algebra class. Gir the Second just grinned and said, "I like random stuffs. I gonna go do sumpin' stoopid wid Gir now! You are annoyed, yes?"
It was a sad, sad day in Ms. Bitter's class when Zim informed the students of their beloved classmate's death. Carl and Chunk held onto each other and cried. Sara fainted. Poonchy smiled victoriously and trotted back to the seat next to Zim.
Inevitably, an unfamiliar girl sauntered into the room. You see, for every Mary Sue that dies or leaves, a new one will take her place. It's a never ending cycle that will go on for eternity, as redundant as this sentence.
This particular girl wore a halter top and mini skirt to draw attention to her developing figure. Bitters took one look at her and said, "Child, that outfit is not appropriate for grade skool. Go straight to the office and see if they can find something MODEST for you to wear."
The student pouted. "Ms. Bitters," she said automatically knowing her name, "you spoiled my entrance!"
"Do I look like I care? Your newbie powers can only do so much, and they are not going to work this time. I will not have any hussies in my class!"
Dejectedly, the girl left the room. The boys were disappointed as well; she was a hottie.
Do not give up hope, boys. Another female student will arrive soon enough. She may not be as scantily clad, but in the realm of fanfiction, one never knows.
THE END . . . ?