CREDITS AND BLOOPERS

The reason why I have Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper as Mexicans is because in the episode “Piece of Mind”, written by Jim Reardon, at the beginning of Calamity’s flashback, the mailbox in front of his lair reads “Los Coyotes”. Since Little Beeper was born in that area as well, he also qualifies for Mexican citizenship.

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“SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUPP!”

Silence—

“Dude, do you know where your foot is?”

“CUT!” was heard among fourteen sources of laughter.

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The Tiny Toons characters were created by Tom Ruegger, Glen Kennedy, Dave Marshall, Ken Boyer, and Rich Arons, I think.

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The feline thought for a moment, and also pulled out his cell phone to check. “Off?” he asked himself. The others, too, checked their cell phones, and also received the surprise that all of them were deactivated.

“I was wondering why this weekend seemed so—(DINGDINGDINGDING!)—quiet,” commented Sweetie, as her phone rang for no reason. “Hello?”

“CUT!”

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“THE DANCE, YOU NITWIT!” she screamed, grabbing his shirt and pulling him to her face. “WHY DIDN’T YOU GO WITH ME TO THE PROM FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE GYM!” Furious puffs blew in and out of her flared nostrils. Ears went down again—and a paw went to wipe a face.

“Um, cut, I guess. Hun, try not to spit, okay?” asked the Jaguar, as Mary leaned down, giggling.

“Sure! You guys didn’t think that this ten-language, ten grammar consultant, phonics sampling—no, wait, let’s try that again.”

(Take 2)

“Sure! You guys didn’t think that this ten-language, grammar consultant, phonics sampling with multiple regional accents, data link to ten Academies for ten automatic updates, super-unabridged—I can’t believe I’m getting stuck in my own line!”

(Take 3)

“Sure! You guys didn’t think that this ten-grammar—rayos!” (rayos literally “lightning”, used for “darn”)

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“(CENSORED)!” cursed a medium orange doe, who wore a black shirt and black shorts. “That means that the (CENSORED) DID get here before we did! What the (CENSORED) do we do now, Junior?”

The lavender buck turned to her and replied, “What we (CENSORED) do now, Bekki, is try to remember our (CENSORED) lines.”

“CUT!”

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Bugs Bunny was created by Tex Avery.

The purple doe panted and retorted, “I’m weak right now, ‘Pottymouth’! I haven’t eaten since—since—”

Hunni tried to remember her last meal—and kept trying.

“Your line, Bekki,” whispered Morty rather loudly.

“CUT!”

“(CENSORED)!” she chuckled. “Um, this (CENSORED) morning, like the rest of us?”

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The other girl whirled toward Mary and froze, nearly paling. Stuttering, she replied, “Uh—hi, Merry-Mary! Have—uh—have you seen the—uh—the—bunny-wunnies?”

Mary smiled, “I’m Merry-Mary now?”

“CUT!”

“Oopsie! Sorry about that!”

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“I’d hate to see anything fall into her hands, Tex,” added Shotsy. “I mean, that girl has already murdered fashion with that outfit of hers!” She pulled out her mirror again and continued adjusting her make-up.

Alexi was about to give a wisecrack to that statement when—

—nothing happened.

“CUT!”

Everyone wondered what was happening, until Alexi noticed something. “Um, sorry, we forgot to turn on our communicators.”

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All characters are © Warner Brothers/Amblin Entertainment (and used without permission, but it’s doubtful that they mind) EXCEPT FOR:

THE FOURTEEN: Team Aleph (first litter): Buster Junior Bunny, Alexandra “Alexi” Bunny, Miriam Bunny, Tex Bunny, Isidore “Crazy Friz” Bunny, and Shotsy Bunny. Team Beth (second litter): Mortimer “Morty” Bunny, Rebecca “Bekki” Bunny, June Bunny, and Hunni Bunny. Team Gimmel (third litter): Barbara Ann “Anni” Bunny, Melvin “Mel” Bunny, Buck Bunny, and Charles “Chuck” Bunny; who are © The J.A.M.

and The J.A.M., Cygmon, and Dakota Dee, who are also © The J.A.M.

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The cat and coyote stepped out of their booth, padded to the wall behind Mary, jumped—

—and stayed hanging there.

“CUT!”

“This is getting to be a theme, isn’t it?” signed Furrball.

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“Please forgive me—” The mouse hushed and let the jaguar look up and shout to the four winds,

“If I can’t stop loving (KABONG!) you…!” The jaguar looked back, and saw that the mouse fell off his head, and everyone was laughing. “Cut…” he growled. “Sorry, Lightning. From the top, people!”

“I hate dees song…”

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“Um—” Being rather embarrassed that all the patrons were looking up at him, he released the ceiling, fell, stopped in mid-air five centimetres from the table with a light tire screech sound, flipped 180 degrees (BONK!), and landed rather clumsily on the seat. “OW!” he growled, rubbing his head, while everyone laughed. “Sorry, misjudged the distance there. And cut, please!”

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“Unfortunately, there have been cases of failing teleprompters that don’t allow us to finish our lines—”

“CUT!”

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Props by Acme Co.

Bicycle furnished by Montero.

Mary Melody’s wardrobe furnished by Oscar de la Renta.

The J.A.M.’s wardrobe furnished by Yazbek and Casio.

Montana Max’s and Dakota Dee’s wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin and Rolex.

Hotel accommodations by Hotel Sheraton Acme Acres.

Restaurant accommodations by Arby’s.

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Standing beside them were Calamity and Beeper, both also in tuxedos, who opened the doors—

—which remained locked.

“Cut…” said the panther, as the couple walked back while the others laughed and tried to get the doors open.

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(Suggested by Abel DuSable)

“Okay, but as a human, I can’t see anything in here except everyone’s eyeballs!”

The J.A.M. turned to the door for a moment, and then—laughed as Furrball’s eyes began moving all over the place, making everyone laugh.

“CUT! What are you doing?”

“Taking a break,” he signed back, “Bonk!” Everyone guffawed as his eyes bumped with The J.A.M.’s.

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Dizzy spun once more and resumed his rampage, beginning at the table. The decorations were pulled into the vortex and were also—

“OW!” he suddenly stopped, holding his face. “Me have something in eye!”

“CUT!”

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Fangs flashed. “SORRY! DON’T YOU HAVE AN EMPTY TABLE AT ALL!”

Mary tried to cut in, “J.A.M., please—”

The sable—smirked in disgust and wiped his face. “Sorry, but you felines spit when you hiss like that.”

The jaguar shrugged suddenly, and smiled, “Sorry, Abel. Cut!”

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Original casting by Steven Spielberg.

Additional casting by The J.A.M.

Voice direction by Andrea Romano.

Mary Melody is Cree Summer Franks

Sweetie Bird is Candi Milo

Little Sneezer is Kath Soucie

Calamity Coyote is Himself

Lightning Rodriguez is Luke Ruegger

Little Beeper is Himself

Furrball is Frank Welker

Bugs Bunny is Noel Blanc

Elmyra Duff is also Cree Summer Franks

Dakota Dee is also Cree Summer Franks

Montana Max is Danny Cooksey

The News Announcer is Wolf Blitzer

Grovely is Charles Adler

and

The J.A.M. is Himself

The Fourteen are:

Team Aleph:

Junior is also Charles Adler

Alexi is Tress MacNeille

Miriam is also Candi Milo

Tex is John Kassir

Friz is also Frank Welker

Shotsy is Sherry Lynn

Team Beth:

Morty is Nathan Ruegger

Bekki is Nancy Cartwright

June is Russi Taylor

Hunni is Kath Soucie

Team Gimmel:

Anni is Francesca Marie Smith

Mel is also Luke Ruegger

Buck is Richard Beals

Chuck is also Richard Beals

Special appearance by Abel DuSable.

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(By T.J. Dickens)

Reading her silence as an agreement to what he said, he finished, “I AM THE J.A.M. Good—” his voice cracked for a moment, as his inner self did. “—eve—good night, Miss Melody.”

(WARPUNWARPWARP)

The J.A.M. warps and slips on the peel, spinning in the air for about 3 seconds.

“Cut, cut and CUT!” he shouts as he lands suddenly.

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“Well, I guess things didn’t work out, but before you leave, I just—I just want to thank you too—for being with me all this time. Thank you for considering me, and for not treating me like an outcast. Thank you for giving us the push it took to finally break off from the ‘stars’. Thank you for showing me The Way, and for letting me know your name. Thank you for being there in my games. Thank you for respecting me, and for looking past the ink and paint. Thank you for the songs: you sing very well. Thank you for giving me such a terribly long line I can’t remember—”

“CUT!”

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And it was here where she suddenly saw the light.

Literally, because a lamppost suddenly flickered to life right above her—

—and blew out again.

“CUT!”

“Heh, Acme, right on the spot,” she commented.

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(Suggested by Abel DuSable)

The rabbits continued to watch, (UNWARPUNWARP!) and jumped when Junior and Alexi suddenly—(WHAM!)

—smashed into the rest of the rabbits, having slipped on a puddle.

“CUT!”

The Fourteen were lying in a heap on the sidewalk, and at the very bottom, Chuck moaned, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” making everyone laugh.

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The “No relation” line was originally conceived and written by Paul Dini and Sherry Stoner.

The phrase “It Was A Dark And Stormy Night” was originally conceived and written by Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

Some of the bad puns in Mary’s newscast were provided by Rottin Kid/The Incredible Werekitty at no extra charge.

Music directed by Richard Stone and John Van Tongren.

“What’s Up” is © 1992 Interscope Records. Written by Lynda Perry. Performed by Cree Summer Franks. Adapted lyrics by The J.A.M. Used without permission.

“Please Forgive Me” is © 1993 Warner Bros. (what a coincidence, don’t you think?) Written by Bryan Adams and Robert John “Mutt” Lange. Ahem, “adapted” lyrics by The J.A.M. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

“How Deep Is Your Love” is © 1977 PolyGram International Music BV, Baarn. Written by Barry Gibb, Maurice Gibb, and Robin Gibb. Performed by The Bee Gees. One teensy-weensy word changed by The J.A.M. Used without permission.

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Shotsy pulled out her make-up case and redid her lip gloss as she continued pondering, “You do have to admit that Dakota did her homework. The couples nobody noticed or cared about practically held the entire social structure together. And now that Mary and The J.A.M. stay together in spite of the horror they went through, both stay in the Looniversity. Mary doesn’t leave for a serious anchorwoman job, The J.A.M. does not return to Mexico City, no toon takes sides or transfers with them, Sneezer and Sweetie don’t take sides and stay together too, the ‘bit players’ don’t disband, Shirley doesn’t shift to the dark side in order to get rid of the ‘freaks’ in their moment of weakness, the cue-card guy doesn’t get the cards mixed up, I don’t forget my (CENSORED) lines—”

“CUT!”

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The Fourteen then padded away from the scene, and headed back to their camp. As they did, Junior noticed Buster Bunny and Babs Bunny, no relation, padding together some distance away, apparently on a date themselves. He smiled at them, and said,

“So long, Mom and Dad. See you in a little bit.” With that—

“Good night, kids!”

“CUT! Babs, you don’t have lines here!”

“Tee-hee, I just can’t help myself!”

“Oh, and it was NICE of you to include us in the story!” hissed Buster.

“Sigh, just stick to the script, will ya?” asked a tired jaguar.

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No copyright infringement is intended or implied. I did all this for the fun of it.

All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this fanfic are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is unintentional and purely coincidental, except in cases of severe self-insertion, I suppose, but even then the similarities are controlled, he he.

And yes, the private prom was supervised by responsible adults in its entirety!

SPECIAL THANKS

To Montero.

To Mars.

To Microsoft’s Encyclopædia Encarta ‘99, for all the scientific classifications.

To WE-Haul.

To Casio.

To Kenwood.

EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS

To Rottin Kid/The Incredible Werekitty, for helping me with Mary’s newscast.

To Abel DuSable, for accepting the part of maitre’d, and for editing this story, and for the blooper suggestions.

Just in case you’re wondering, the various ways of saying “The End” are written in English, German, Afrikaans, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italian, Romanian, Polish, Russian, Latvian, Finnish, Greek, Hebrew, Malay, Hokkien, Seneca, Chinese, Japanese, Norwegian, Swedish, and Mayan, respectively.

Also, the chapter titles were being counted in Hebrew. The Semitic-Roman transcription was altered to reflect the original pronunciation as best as possible.

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From the speakers in the upper corners, a soft organ began a slow song.

The felid bowed to the hominid and asked, “May I have this dunce—I mean—dance?” Mary covered her mouth as she guffawed while The J.A.M. chuckled, “Heh, cut already! And yes, I’m the dunce here now!”

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“Maybe…” She then glided forward as he leaned back and skated backwards, shifting his tail out of the way, completely trusting her as they—

(KATHUD!)

—fell together, because the panther’s tail got tangled with the roller blades.

“And you come to me—!”

“Ouch! CUT!”

“On a summer breeze—!”

“I thought you said you knew how to skate!” she scolded, lying on top of him.

“Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave.”

“I’m a little rusty and CAN WE LOSE THE PLAYBACK, PLEASE!”

“And it’s me you need to sh—”

“You’re killing me, Roger, killing me!” she chuckled.

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The Epilogue is dedicated to the memory of Maurice Gibb: 1949-2003.

END TAG:

Mary Melody comes out of the TTA rings and proclaims, “For K-ACME News, this is Mary Melody, signing off!”

Until next time, remember:

I AM THE J.A.M.

Good evening.

(WARP!)