" if she only knew "

HCK

AN : Okay, after seven long years (I actually wrote this story back in 2001), I decided to write a sequel/chapter 2 kinda thingy with this fic of mine. This time it's in the point of view of Usagi and set on same time. This is the story in Usagi's eyes

- and also, let's just pretend that all of the "she" and "her" in the song is "he", "his" and "him", okay?

Disclaimer: Sailor moon is not mine, it's Naoko's Kodansha, Toie.

The song 'if she only knew is also not mine. It was sung by 98( in their album '98( and rising.
Thus, the story idea is mine

This story is all in Usagi's point of view

---

If she only knew

What I knew but could not say

If she only see

The part of me that I hid away

---

Mamoru-baka, the very vain of my existence. The man who would do anything to make sure my spirit will go crashing down. He's the guy I always have the displeasure to meet in the morning, starting my supposed beautiful day with nasty comments and snide remarks. The king of jerks.

With that reasoning, I came to a conclusion that I really am a ditz. Mamoru is a jerk and a 'baka'. Yet, I feel like the joke is on me because even with that conclusion I still come to love him. Really, when they say that heart is not always logical, whoever said it is too damn right.

I have always known that he hates me. Every side of me is despicable to him. I know that and yet I kept loving him. Even when I command myself not to, I always end up loving him and getting hurt in the process. I don't even know why but I think my heart has still on him and would not want to change decision.

---

If I could just Hold her

in my arms again

And just say I love you

She's gone away

Maybe she'd stay

If she only knew

---

I can't sleep at night, for my dreams are filled with bittersweet longing of him. I sometime wake up crying from frustration. I even thought dating another, heck, I even considered Umino. But it just won't work. Confessing is definitely not an option because he'll definitely turn me down. I'm not really that fit to take that kind of rejection and humiliation

Sigh, I will never be able to tell him what I feel. And if I do tell him, he would just laugh at me. Or worse, he won't ever want to see me again. But, if only for a minute I could have him all to myself, to kiss and hold and have him say sweet nothings on my ear I could die a happy and content woman. And if I die, I will be glad to tell the Gods on my judgment day that I have live to love you, Mamo-chan. And somehow, I accomplished it.

---

If she could just feel

What I feel here in my heart

All that I dream

Surely she would realize

---

If he knows how I felt, would he be mine? If I tell him what I feel, will he be angry? Oh, how I wish he's mine. If only he knew the way I feel for him. If only he knows the hurt and torment I go through everyday, trying to pretend that I don't care and I don't love him.

But that's impossible. Up to now he considers me as the world's biggest ditz and airhead. I continue to pretend to hate him everyday, hating myself in return. I expose myself vulnerable going to Crown Arcade knowing he'll be there, knowing he'll laugh and mock me again. It's crazy, very very crazy. Yet I don't care

Like I told you, I really am and idiot, or I think masochist is a better word. I let myself get hurt just to see him. The emotional strains I went through everyday, my sacrifice that I have to go through just to be able to be an inch close to him. If I got hurt, talking to him, somehow, through our fights and getting to see him is my consolation.

---

But I'm just a man

Who didn't understand

What she was going through

She's gone away Maybe she'd stay

If she only knew

---

June 25. Five days before my birthday. My dad had dropped a bomb. He's been transferred to England by his company. When he gave the news, my eyes zone out and I could never hear anything anymore. My focus is with Mamo-chan. If we leave for England, then there would be no more Mamo-chan to fight with, no one will torment me anymore.

Yet, my heart felt very heavy and I started to feel pain more painful than what I already went through. I told myself that I have to tell him, whatever it may cost. Even if he rejects me, I'll tell him. At least I'll know, I did everything that I can. If he doesn't love me back, then so be it. I'll never look back again

---

How? How did I let her get away?

Coz love, love is so easy To feel

But the hardest thing to say

---

And so I found myself walking towards Crown. I sigh and gather my courage every corner I rounded. This will be it no matter what the outcome will be. Within minutes, the arcade is already in sight. Taking one last deep breath I walked inside and look around at first, then finally seeing him. I bravely walk up to him. I was about to take a seat beside him when he made a mean remark of my wait and the poor stool that will support it.

Tears gather in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. So I guess this is it. I don't need to do the confession cause frankly I already know the answer. I felt cold and my arms automatically hugged myself, grabbing my sides in the process. But that didn't comfort me. How can it? When the one I wanted just crushed my heart?

---

If she could just see

What I see when I close my eyes

All that I dream

Surely she would realize

---

We left Japan exactly on my birthday. My friends are there to bid me goodbye. This will be the end. In England, I'll start anew. There I will not let anybody hurt me anymore. Mamo-chan will be the first and last someone whom I let held and crushed my heart.

I will move on, I know I can. I maybe an idiot falling head-over-heels for that jerk but I also had the courage to face every pain loving him brings me. So I know that I am also brave enough to forget and move on. And that's what exactly I will do. But I know a part of my heart will always belong to him

---

But like a fool

I've waited much too long

To let her know the truth

She's gone away

Maybe she'd stay
If she only knew

---

I did move on. I found someone to love and have him love me in return. He cared for me and helped me pick up the pieces. He had been patient and brave to wait for me until I was again ready to open my heart. And soon, I freely gave him a chance. I was glad I gave him that chance.

We live happily. We build a happy home and a loving family. We had two lovely daughters and sons, all of which became happy and brave to take on the life's challenges. All this years his eyes never left me. He adored and respected me. He love me with all of his heart. And I did love him

But now, as I breath my last, I can't help but feel sorry. Maybe I should've just told him how I feel even through that nasty remark. I am happy with the life I lead but there's so many questions I have. I find myself questioning my happiness, maybe I would have been more happier if I only put a little more effort.

How I wish he knew…

---

The long awaited sequel/chapter 2 was here… phew!

Signing off –HCK- reimaund