Part One- Damn

I am Shirou Kamui. There's no one damned as me in the whole wide world. I'm
studying in Clamp Campus for about half a year. I am nothing in here. No one
cares if I exist. No one will mind if I do some good or bad things anyway.
Nobody can, or will, glance at my purple eyes. They won't bother nevertheless.
I'm a wind. Oh wait, people can still feel the wind's warm or cold presence in
their skin so am not. No one knows me. Perhaps, no one wants to know me.

"KAMUIIIII!!!!!!!"

I forgot. Someone shouts my name everyday. And that's an honor. He's my friend
Segawa Keiichi. We are both dirtbags anyway. So we fit in each other's arms. I
admire him. But I don't like him the way you know it. I'm stupid. I will never
be able to love him the way he loves me. He's the only one who cares and listens
to me. And yet, I'm not contented with him. Yes. I know how ironic life is.
Especially mine. There's no hope for me. I just knew it.

"Wait for me!!!!!"

He's hollering too loud again. Well, no one really cares if either of us will
do. They all have their own matters to holler about. We don't worth any
milliseconds of their time. That's what they'd believe in. And that's what
Keiichi, and me live in.

"Don't I asked you to wait for me, KAMUI-KUN!!!!!"

"Don't shout. You're pestering everyone in this hallway."

I said that. But no one even mind to nod or say thanks for shutting up Keiichi.
See. We are truly nothing. I am. Truly nothing. I stopped walking so that he
will catch up with me.

"Kamui, you are always like that…" he says for a record of thirty-seven thousand
times already.

Yes. I'm always like this. I won't want to change. If I will, no one will
notice. So it's hell-bound nonsense. There's no use. It sucks big time.

"Change for me," my friend says again for thirty-seven thousandth time. He
always adds that to the sentence he has mentioned a while ago.

Why should I? He is used about me being like this. I wont waist my time about
it.

"Stop screaming for a change." I told him.

Wait. I wouldn’t want myself to change. So I don't have the right to ask him
about it.

"Okay… Perhaps I would. If that's what you want." He answers.

Miserable. I am.

"So… come on! Lets eat our lunch!" He said cheerfully to me. I like his smile.
That's one asset of his I always wish I had, too.

"You have an amazing smile. You just don't let it show." I remember my aunt
Tokiko once told me. I wish it was true. She was correct. I never let anyone see
my so-called-amazing smile. Not even to Keiichi. He'd probably faint if I will
do that.

"Come on! Cheer up!" he said for a gazillion time.

I will never be able to cheer up. I know the way I speak, I sound cold and
glacial. But am not. As a matter of fact, I'm emotional. Especially when it
comes to those people I care for. Who are those people anyway? Do I really care
for someone? No, no. Not Keiichi. I care for him the different way around.

"Hi, Seishirou-san! Hi to you, Fuuma-kun." Someone said.

Fuuma. I froze.

"He's here, Kamui." Keiichi whispered to my ears.

Yes he is. He's inches away from me.

"Oh hi." Fuuma answered.

That voice… is his voice. So cold yet heart-piercing. I tilt my head to look at
him. He is smiling to everyone else. Except for me. It makes me upset. Why?

… Fuuma. He is Monou Fuuma and he's almost one year older than I am. He is the
most attractive person here in the campus. He is cool, at the same time a
hottie. Haha. Did I just mention the word hottie? It's not like me, ne? I was
just carried away.

"Adorable as always." Somebody told Fuuma.

Yes he is. That's why everybody wants to get in his baggy pants. Male or female.
I said everybody. And yes. I admit. Including myself. I want him. Just like
everybody. I honestly fantasize him. That's our limit. We only could dream about
him. Because Seishirou won't let us even touch Fuuma. If ever someone will, he
or she will die immediately.

No. I'm not exaggerating. He'll kill us if we dare to do that. With those
swirling Sakuras behind him. Fuuma is his. He is Fuuma's owner. He is Fuuma's,
too.

"Come on, honey. They are already too pleasured to see you." Seishirou told
Fuuma.

Sakurazuka Seishirou… he is attractive, too. Very, to say at the least. He is
charming and as far as I know it, Fuuma was the first to get attracted to him.
Then he thought Fuuma's lovely and he should have him. They fell madly deeply in
love. Or so I thought. Their "love team" became a campus figure. They are so
popular. They are equally fierce. Everyone wants to be with them. Either of
them. But I want…

"Hey, he's staring at you." Keiichi again whispered to me.

Is he?

I glance at Fuuma once again. This time, he is smiling seductively at his lover.

Keiichi fooled me. I thought he was saying the truth. I want to cough.

"I was saying the truth, Kamui! He was staring at you while you were lost in
your thoughts!"

"Curse you, Keiichi." I whispered back at him.

"He was!!! Those golden eyes were glued to your snowy cheeks! Believe me!"

Heaven if that's true. But I know it isn't. Now Keiichi's the one daydreaming.

I glance once again at Fuuma. I'm upset. As always. He is walking away now with
Seishirou's appeal. They both look so contented with each other's arms. I want
to kill Seishirou. He brings Fuuma away from all. Away from me.

"Oh brother…. He's gone again." Keiichi uttered to me. Or I expect he is saying
that to all those students who want Fuuma in their arms. Crap. No one can have
him now. He's obviously taken. By Seishirou. But I know that if ever he is still
single, he wouldn’t notice me anyway. I'm as good as dust. Dust is better than I
am? Oh ya. A person gets dust away from his way. No one will notice my dirt I
suppose.

"There's no reason for us to stay here. He's already away." I told Keiichi
bluntly.

"Riiiight…." The only response I got from him.

I'm used to watch Fuuma's back while he is walking away. Those broad shoulders
that I dreamt about last night. And prayed that I could lick it or kiss it.
Either way I'll be contented.

I admit that I'm being use to torture myself when I'm gluing a look at Fuuma
while he is with Seishirou. But it's hopeless. You can't see Fuuma without
Seishirou. It's very pathetic. He's like Seishirou's dog. An expensive and
beautiful one. Guess it's wrong to compare the love of my life to a dog. But
this is me. A foolish admirer who probably knows that my chances are close to
nothing. No one gives a damn about my feelings.

"I care… don't you believe me?" Subaru told me. He is my roommate here in the
apartment I'm living at.

"Tell me what's wrong", he says this crap every night.

"Can't you see, everything's wrong!!!" I cried once again on his shoulders.

This would be the gazillionth tear I've shed.

"I know you get this a lot. But tell me what's bothering you right now." He
pleaded.

"You get that a lot!! Shut up, Subaru!"

I want to hurt Subaru's feelings. I want to because I want him to stop
distressing me.

"Can't you see I love you?" he said for the fifth time tonight.

It's futile. I won't be able to love him back. He's special. I know that for a
very long time. But I don't love him. I tried once but it just doesn't work.

"Love… what's with that…" I whispered with a little sob.

"Love! I love you, Kamui! Why can’t you love me back!? Is it difficult to love a
person like me!? I want you! You've been tempting me for a long while!"

I'm not tempting Subaru. He's inventing sentences.

"I can't love you… why… because I'm no right for you. You are special. And I'm
nothing"

"No, no… Kamui… come here… kiss me…"

The first time I kissed Subaru was last month. But I felt nothing. I kissed him
because I want to discover if there would be a change if I will do that. At the
same time, he asked me to try it. The kiss was long. But it's not what I was
expecting. In my thoughts, I thought kissing someone would be exciting,
passionate and hot. I felt nothing like that when I kissed Subaru's mouth. I
just felt his warm saliva under my lips. After that, nothing about us changed.

"No… I'm not as stupid as before to do that again… Let's accept the truth."

"What truth?" he asked me with a sincere eye. That emerald-eye that I put some
tears with my words. He's the owner of it. And I'm the owner of those harsh
sentences.

"I love somebody else… I want him all my life… though it's hopeless."

"Who!?! Segawa!?! DAMMIT!" he shouted. I'm always frightened whenever he does
that. I never see him angry this way before. He's so gentle. Now I made him
angry. I'm so stupid.

"No, Subaru, no! Not him! You don't get my point here!" I shouted back at him. I
raised my voice at him… again.

"DOOM IT ALL! Now who the hell is this person, may I know?"

Yes. Doom it all. It's useless to say who this person is since he doesn't know
me anyway.

I fell silent. I wouldn't want him to know about my feelings about a person who
doesn't give a damn about me. Subaru will just screw me again.

"See… I'm sorry, Kamui, I didn’t mean to scare you… I just…"

"It's okay, Subaru… please… understand…"

He slowly leans forward. Give my pale cheek a peck. I nod. I couldn’t kiss his
cheek back. Not my doing. Now this is weird. He's kissing my neck now.

"Stop it! I thought you understood me!" I shouted while moving his head away
from me. I don't want this to go far. I'm reserving what I have for the person I
love. Now you have a hint that I will never be able to give that thing away.

The next morning, in campus, it is like everyday. The winds are blowing cold.
The chirping of the birds is like music to my ears. I wish my life is like the
bird's. Fly. Chirp. Eat. Can they love? I wish they can 'coz I can't live
without love. Haha. I wish there's a bird version of Fuuma. No, no, no
Seishirou. Just… Fuuma and myself. It's very impossible for me to have him. But
then, I can always dream and imagine.

"Ah… gentleman… excuse me." Someone said.

Hmm. Gentleman. That word doesn't fit me. Maybe the other meaning around. But
does that word have another meaning? Crap.

"Y---yes…?", I tilted my head to see the owner of the voice. The voice that
seems very… familiar to my ears… could it possibly be…

"Have you seen Seishirou around?"

Fuuma. Fuuma Monou. The young man I admire and love. Is standing right in front
of me now.

"Umm… I suppose you didn't." he turned his back. No. Not now. Please not now.

"W--- WAIT!!" I shouted at him, "I think he is----"

"Right here, Fuuma, my darling". I spotted an image walking away from the
bushes.

"Oh, there you are. I thought you were up to something else, Seishirou." Fuuma
said. Then, he walks away from me. Not even looking back. He kissed Seishirou's
lips. That pierced my heart. Then, they both faded away.

"Wait… Fuuma…", I whispered to no one.

This morning… is one of the happiest one I have… yet, disappointing… Fuuma.
Noticed me. But just for a second. But… I'm still happy about that. I have
nothing more to ask for.

Tsuzuku.