Believe it or not, Gentle Readers, I wrote this between five and seven a.m.
this morning (which, I suppose, explains a lot). The theory is that it
summarises the Discworld novels, in chronological order, to the tune of Billy
Joel's brilliant historical dissertation, "We Didn't Start the Fire".
Normally I dislike filk, but this was really too good to resist.

I think it's pretty funny even if you don't know the song, but then I wrote
it, and you can't trust me an inch.

And yes, I know it's not Santa in the Discworld universe, but you try fitting
"The Hogfather" into that itty bitty syllabic margin.

WE DIDN'T BUY THE HARDBACK
(with many apologies to Terry Pratchett, Billy Joel, and everyone who reads
this)

Twoflower, Rincewind, echo-gnomics, A'Tuin
Gods and dice, bar fights, read the Octavo
Wizzards, Barbarians, Tourists and Librarians,
Octarine, Bel-Shamharoth, hyrdrophobes in Krull

The red star scares everyone, trees talk to Rincewind
Imaginary dragons fly, And the Luggage eats a guy
Fire in Ankh-Morpork, Death getting down to work
Spells, cursing, demons, druids, Falling off the Discworld

We didn't buy the hardback
Coz American stores don't get books that aren't bores
We didn't buy the hardback
No we didn't get it
But of course we read it

Equal Rites, wizard's staffs, Granny visits Bad Ass
Eskarina, Bees'll sting ya, sexism is moot
Albert, Mort, Keli's short, Ysabell, Death's a sport
Bink-ey, cur-ry, scumble's mostly fruit.

Happy ending, all's well, Mort marries Ysabell
Coin invades and wizards fight, Sourcery is Not Right
Wyrd Sisters, MacBeth, Duke's got a date with Death
Nanny Ogg and Magrat, The fool's a king and all that.

We didn't buy the hardback
(etc)

Teppic rocks, seagulls flock, Dios always comes back
Gods are near, people fear, Djelibeybi disappears
Tsorteans, Ephebians, wooden horses, physics bends,
Pyramids explode and
Chidder is a Businessman

Guards! Guards! Vimes is drunk, Lady Sybil's got some spunk
Vetinari, Colon, Nobby, Carrot is a dwarf boy
Big dragon burns things, toasted figgins, 'Rangontangs
Errol is a good guy, Magic books are not a toy

We didn't buy the hardback
(etc)

Rincewind's not a demon, Eric's not a bright one,
Moving Pictures, Dibbler, banged grains, the Bursar
Morris dancing's for the birds, Auditors are bastards
Witches go traveling, Godmothers make bad queens
'Dactylos and small gods, Omnians are mainly sods
Lords and Ladies, lots of Fey, what else do I have to say?

We didn't buy the hardback
(etc)

Men at Arms, trolls are dim, Samuel Vimes is back again
Mort dies, Susan lies, Imp survives, Death rides
Rincewind running once again, terror in the Aurient
People sing in Maskerade, Golems talk in Feet of Clay

Auditors want Santa dead, Susan gets pissed off instead
Mister Vimes fights Klatch's hordes, Vetinari juggles swords
Rincewind has a corky hat, Lancre has vampires bats
Vimes gets mad in Uberwald, No lyrics to end the song!

I didn't get to The Truth
Didn't get to William, or to the Thief of Time
I didn't get to Night Watch
It's a shame I know
But now I have got to go, to go, to go, to go, to go...

We didn't start the fire
It was that damn barman, and his inn-sewer-ants plan
We didn't start the fire
But now as we run
It'll still go on and on...

(And /because/ I didn't get to the last three, rewind to the
first verses and repeat)

Newspapers, William, Sacharissa's not dumb
Wuffles bites, Pin fights, Tulip likes to snort spice
Vimes has Drumknott in the cells, Vetinari's unwell
Nobby wears a dress at night, potatoes make it all right.

The Auditors like chocolate, but they mostly die from it
Procrastinators spin around, Sweeper is wrinkly and brown
He comes in to help Vimes, who has traveled back in time
Revolution, done Reg Shoe in, Vimes gets back and Sam is born...