I don't even like filk! Why do I keep writing it? Argh!

This has no tune, so there's the added bonus of making
up your own. It might fit "The Hedgehog Can Never Be
Buggered At All", though I don't think so. The whole thing
arose out of an old article in my undergraduate newspaper
about the Fine Art Of Squirrel Kicking.

It's quite obviously a drinking song. Nobody sober would
sing it. Especially not around trolls.

:runs away to his study session for Tuesday's midterm:

YOU CAN'T KICK A TROLL IN THE ROCKS

You can kick a man when he's out and down
You can kick Carrot's football all over town
You can kick up a fuss or kick sailors off docks
But you can't kick a troll in the rocks.

You can kick the Patrician, though not more than once
If you end up with no legs, you cannot blame us
You can kick your horse faster if you're hunting fox
But you can't kick a troll in the rocks.

You can try kicking wizards, if you're fast and keen
You can try kicking pigeons, if you're feeling mean
You can even try kicking yourself, if you're lost
But you can't kick a troll in the rocks.

You can kick at a Watchman, they often kick back
You can kick your boss if you don't mind getting sacked
You can kick up your heels, you can kick cuckoo clocks
But you can't kick a troll in the rocks.

You can kick down the cobblestones, if you feel hum-drum
You can kick arse, prod buttock, or merely push bum
You can kick over dead if you choke on your lox
But you can't kick a troll in the rocks.

You can try it in slippers or boots with steel toes
You can try it in fights or with quite cautious blows
You can try it barefoot if you haven't your socks
But you can't kick a troll in the rocks.

You can kick a butler in his shiny behind
If he's an affront to the pride of mankind
You can kick extra hard if you're not very tall
But you can't kick a troll's rocks at all.