Woah, another short fic composed in a night! XD This is a short,
angsty piece from Amiboshi's POV, about his feelings for Suboshi and quiet
sadness over Suboshi's feelings for Yui. Yes, I titled this after an X
Japan song. ^_^;; It is a good song, though, very hard-rockish and
emotional.

[Fushigi Yuugi and its characters belong to Watase Yuu, I'm just borrowing
them for awhile. This is a shounen ai incest fic, and very angsty at that,
so if you don't like this sort of thing, don't read any further.]

~

Once again, I hear him calling...calling her name.

I love his voice. But hearing it say her name hurts.

I sit in my room, knees hugged to my chest as I hear the rain beating
against the windows.

He asked me if I wanted to play cards with them tonight. But I declined,
lying about feeling tired and under the weather. Now he's going to worry
about me, and I feel guilty for that. But...I can't bear to be in a room
with the two of them.

I always feel like a third wheel whenever he's with her.

It's painfully obvious how much he loves her. The way he blushes whenever
she looks at him, the way he stares at her...

The way he says her name.

'Yui-sama!'

The passion in his voice, the love in his eyes...all for her.

I wish he would look at me that way. Say my name with such love.

I like Yui.

But I hate that he likes her.

I'm selfish that way. And I hate myself for that. I hate being so jealous
of his feelings for her, which are perfectly normal. I hate it...I love my
brother, and I want him to be happy. And if she makes him happy, then I
don't want to stand in his way.

I know he loves me...but I know it's nothing compared to his love for her.

Why would it be? I'm only his brother.

His flesh and blood.

Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears.

But I don't.

Crying won't accomplish anything but making him worry. He knows when I've
been crying. I can't hide anything from him. Whatever I feel, he can feel
also. Sadness, joy, anger...even a simple thing as a paper cut.

So Lord knows how long I've been able to hide this...this secret love that
he'll be disgusted with me for if he knows.

I went for a walk earlier. Naturally, I felt the rain on my face. Cold,
wet, and indifferent...

Then I tasted salt, and realized it wasn't rain.

An hour later, I still feel the drops on my face. Taste the salt on my
lips.

Suboshi...otouto...

You ask why I'm so down lately. I hate lying...but knowing the truth would
make you leave me forever.

I smile and tell you I'm okay but you don't believe me.

Please, don't worry about me...if you love her, I'm not going to stand in
your way.

Even if...you can never love me this way, or ever know my feelings...I'll
always be happy just to be with you, to have you by my side.

I always have been.

How could I not be?

Even if it hurts...I love you, otouto.

Zutto...

~

This story actually originated from a post I was writing for my
roleplay diary (I must seem SO weird for keeping that thing. O_o), and I
figured, "Hey, I've been wanting to write a fic about Amiboshi being
jealous of Suboshi's feelings for Yui". So I wrote this. ^_^ BIG thank you
to Achan/BakuraInHiding for some of the lines-we were writing lyrics to
yaoi-angst image songs one day, and some of the lyrics came in VERY handy.
XD Thanks, Achan! *glomp*
As for the POV-switching, I did that on purpose. I wanted to go
from him thinking about Suboshi to kind of speaking to him in a way...I
just hope I handled it well and it doesn't seem confusing or anything. ^^;