Why Do I Stay?

A Spongebob Squarepants Fan Fiction

By Ella Roberta Reamy

© 2003

A/N: My niece, Madison, watches SpongeBob all the time, and I came up with this idea while watching her the other day. So Maddie, this one's for you…I guess you can read it when you eventually learn how. :)

I hate this town. Bikini Bottom; full of mindless drones who can't decide which popular opinion to follow from day to day, which is how often it changes. They hate you when you do anything remotely wrong, even on accident, like give them the wrong Krabby Patty fixings, and they ignore you the rest of the time. Their lack of brains drives me up the wall!

And those of them who chose to hang around me all the time are the worst of them! I hate the whole insane bunch.

SpongeBob, of course, is the worst. Bright and cheery every morning; "Hi Squidward!" What's there to be so cheery about? I have to see him all damn day at work, and since I live next to him, he's availible to bug me the rest of my spare time. Is there no sanctuary?

And SpongeBob is such a moron! He's always coming up with these idiotic plans, then goes annoyingly ballistic when things go wrong. But just about everyone finds him entertaining! How is this possible? How does this work? Am I the only one who sees his stupidity?

And then there's my other neighbor, Patrick. I don't know who made the decision to let him live in normal society, but I'm sure they have about as much brains as Patrick himself.

And of course he and SpongeBob would be friends. Their combined antics are enough to send anyone into a psychotic episode (I'm constantly wondering why I haven't had one yet, but I'm hoping for its arrival very soon.) And I've tried to deter them, to keep them from getting other people in an uproar. Okay, so mostly its to keep them the hell away from me. The good news is, they're dumb enough to fall for everything I throw at them. Unfortunatly, that's also the bad news—they take everything too far, and whatever annoying thing they're doing always ends up worse.

The rest? Sandy's alright sometimes. She occasionally has some common sense about her. And she's brave. I'll give her that. She does a bunch of stunts I would never have the guts to even attempt. The greatest of these is risking the ruin of the rational part of her brain by hanging out with SpongeBob and Patrick. That's the part that makes her crazy, I think. That, and all that surface life she's lived up there in the sun, frying her brain.

Mr. Krabs is the one person I didn't want to work for, and he's the only one in town who would give me a job. Fortunately, he runs the most successful restaurant business in Bikini Bottom. Unfortunately, he doesn't like to share that success in the paychecks he hands out. Greedy, penny-pinching old crab…and a know-it-all too. If he knows so much, then I'd like to ask him how the hell his daughter's a freakin' WHALE.

Plankton's just annoying. He has intellect, but he's just as greedy as Krabs, so he wastes it all in his efforts to obtain the Krabby Patty formula. I just want to say "Hey, little guy, just go to culinary school; open an Italian place or something." But I do find his plots well thought-out…and relatively amusing.

I thoroughly dislike them all, really. But why do I stay? Believe me, I've tried to get away. You remember. I moved to that all-squid community. But I had too much of a sense of humor for them all, I guess. I'm not fun enough for my neighbors here, and I wasn't boring enough for the others.

So why do I stay in Bikini Bottom, a place where I obviously don't belong? Where I can't stand those around me?

Because they're all I have. I don't have anybody else.