Nothing Else Matters...
I have no idea what I am doing. I shouldn't be here. But I just can't seem to get enough. Every time I close my eyes, she's there. Every voice I hear, sounds like her. It is not unlike the way it used to be before. I mean, I have been completely obsessed with her for years, it is just that all my daydreams used to be of the many ways I could kill her. Those were good times. But now, even when I try to dream of her demise, I end up kissing her or something equally distasteful. I don't know what is wrong with me. It is this damn chip; it must be corroding inside my brain. Short-circuiting. Oh well, I'm here now, in her room again. She has no idea that I come here so often. Just to be close to her. Lying on her bed. I can still smell her on the pillow. I've gone mad, but I don't care.
"What are you doing here?" Buffy shouted. "Why are you in my room?"
"Slayer... Umm... What are you doing here? I didn't think you would be home so soon." I am in big trouble now. How am I going to explain this? It was easier when that idiot boyfriend of hers caught me here. He was stupid enough to believe anything, but not her.
"What am I doing here? I live here. Oh, and I'm sorry, I forgot to hand you a copy of my schedule. Now you have two seconds to tell me why you are here or I will stake you right now!" She said pulling a stake out of her bag.
"Don't get testy. I was um... Well, I... was passing through your neighborhood and I got tired, so I just...." This was bloody stupid! She would never believe this. When did I lose my touch? When did I become such a blubbering idiot?
"You got tired and decided my room looked nice and cozy? I didn't see the Best Western sign out front. Maybe I missed something."
"Look, I don't have to tell you anything!" That was real smooth. " If you want to stake me, go right ahead." I waited. She just looked at me, all bewildered. I guess I don't blame her. I'd love to tell her why I am here, if only I knew that myself. "Fine then, I am leaving now." I walked past her. Best to just keep on going. Yeah, run away you bloody fool. Way to go. Since when did I back down from a confrontation?
"Hey, not so fast! You can't just keep coming in here like this." Buffy shouted after him.
Bloody right, I can't keep coming in here like this. What was I hoping to accomplish anyway? I just have to get out of here.
"That's it! You are off the guest list!! Consider yourself uninvited!!" Buffy screamed.
What was with him lately? This is the second time I have caught him hanging around the house. The first time, he was stealing pictures of me, I am sure of it. I was a little distracted with the demon from outer space and all, but I know what I saw. And the night I was so upset about Mom. I am pretty sure he came there to kill me, what with the shotgun and all that, but he just sat down and comforted me. Spike! Comforting me. What was with that? Not that I minded. I mean, I really needed someone that night. Did I ever expect it to be him? No. Definitely not. But we take what we can get sometimes. Things are definitely strange. I mean I am pretty sure he tried to kiss me earlier that night. It was so weird. I freaked. I mean, I know how to handle his insults and his punches but THAT? That came out of nowhere. Maybe I shouldn't have said he was beneath me. That was pretty cruel, but this is Spike we are talking about. Cruelty is his middle name. It is not my fault he can dish it out but not take it. Right?
Then why do I feel so bad? Why am I thinking about him at all? I have Riley. A nice, normal, boy who loves me. Yeah, yeah, I know, he's perfect. But yet, I don't love him. I want to. I really do. But there is just something missing. I don't know what. I know I have been pushing him away lately. He was only trying to be there for me in my time of need. Yet, I pushed him away. Why didn't I push Spike away that night? Why was I willing to cry in front of him and not with Riley? Why did I let him put his arm around me when I left Riley standing in that hallway all alone? Aghh! Why am I thinking about this? About him. I need some sleep. Maybe then all this craziness will go away.
Morning. God I hate the day time. I mean I always have. All cooped up and no one to kill. Stuff like that. But now, it just meant that I couldn't see her. Oh, I could risk it. I've done it before. Just throw a blanket over my head and I am on my way. But that is so much work. I guess I will just stay here and try to sleep. Since I kicked Harmony out, it is really quiet and lonely. Not that I actually miss that pathetic twit, and her incessant babble, but she was nice to look at. A fun distraction from the crap my life has become. I could shag her and pretend she was someone else. Her. The Slayer, of all people. I am pathetic. I had better just go to sleep. Maybe then all this craziness will go away.
"So, how is your mother doing?" Riley said, standing there with two bouquets of flowers. "Uh, this one is for you and this one is for your mom. I just thought I would try to brighten everyone's day."
So sweet. Look at this guy. Could he be more perfect. Then why don't I feel anything?
"Wow, thanks. These are great. Mom will love them. You know she is doing really well, now that she is home. The doctor's say she will make a complete recovery."
"That's great. Listen, Buff, we haven't seen too much of each other lately. Now that the dust has settled, what do you say we go out tonight, just you and me?"
"Oh, sure. We can do that." But I don't really want to. What is happening to me? We used to be so happy together. I think, anyway. At least that is what I told myself. Maybe if he were just a little edgier, more mysterious, more exciting. Maybe he could get a black leather jacket? Oh what, so he can look more like Spike? You're nuts! Why don't I just ask him to bleach his hair too? I am beginning to scare myself.
" Great, I will pick you up around 8:00. Is that good?"
" Sure, I can't wait." My face hurts from pretending to smile. Oh well. One night won't kill me. I will still have time to patrol later. Maybe I will get to kill something interesting tonight. Or maybe I will see him... I am losing it.
My head hurts. Damn dreams. Why is it that every time I sleep now, she is there? Why can't I dream about sucking the life out of some poor defenseless slob? That's what I want to dream about. The good old days. I was the Big Bad! Now I am just the big nothing. I am almost as bad as Soul boy. All mopey and brooding. I didn't even know I could brood. I am turning into everything I hate. All because of her. I hate her too, you know. I hate her because of what she does to me. Why didn't I just kill her when I had the chance? I kept telling myself that it was because she was too good. She beat me every time. But the truth is, there were lots of times I could have killed her and I didn't. Even then, there was something about her. I didn't want to kill her, because then it would be over. Whatever this was. I was having too much fun. But now it isn't fun. It just hurts. All this emotion and lust, eating me up inside. Some people think that vampires don't have emotions but that isn't true at all. I still have feelings. I wish I didn't. Before this chip, I was able to forget about all of this. Killing made me feel powerful. The anger and rage shut out all this nonsense. But now, the only thing left to think about it is the way I feel. I never thought I would ever feel this way again after Dru. She was the love of my life. I still miss her. But she wouldn't understand what I have become. I don't even understand it. It has been a year now since this chip was put into my head. I am still not used to it, I never will be, but I am adapting. I still want to kill. There is nothing like that rush. At least I can still kill demons and such. Maybe that is what I need right now. A good spot of violence and mayhem. Maybe that will clear my head. I'll go out and see what kind of action is out there tonight. Or, maybe I will see her.... I am losing it.
Dinner with Riley was nice. Predictable, but nice, I guess. I tried to be all happy and "Oh, I've missed you" but I just wasn't really all there. I just wanted to get away. I made some excuse that I needed to get home early to check on my mom. He seemed kind of hurt, but I didn't really care. I was suffocating being with him. I needed to go for a walk. I wasn't really patrolling, but I was ready if anything decided to get in my way. Nothing happened. Slow night for evil, I guess. I don't even remember how I got here, but somehow my footsteps led me here. The crypt. His home. What was I expecting to find? I shouldn't be here. Oh no! The door is opening. I need to leave. I don't want him to see me here. Too late.
"Slayer. So what are you doing here? Looking for me?"
"No, I was just patrolling. Getting ready for an exciting night of not killing anything?"
" Actually, I was thinking I could find me some kind of evil to punch around a bit. I have to keep my skills up for when I finally get this thing out of my head."
"Well, have fun. There's not much out there tonight."
She looked nervous. Not at all like her usual self. Something was different. If I didn't know her better, I would say that it was fear in her eyes.
"So, why don't you tell me why you are really here. I don't think you were patrolling at all."
She had started to say something, but stopped. She looked lost. Part of me just wanted to grab her and take her right then. She looked so vulnerable. I can't do that though. She would kill me for sure.
"I told you why I am here. I wasn't looking for you. I am not into stalking. That is apparently your specialty." Buffy said.
She was trying to get a rise out of me, but her heart wasn't in it. I could tell. We always had fun arguing. Or at least it was fun for me. Something was different. Maybe I should just get this over with. Tell her that I want her. That I can't stop thinking about her. Yeah, that will work. She will probably laugh at me and make me feel like she did the other night. Either that or just stake me, right then and there. What do I really have to lose? My dignity? I lost that long ago. My life? Well, it wasn't much of a life anymore. I'll just tell her.
"I know why you're here. You just can't help yourself. You love this game as much as I do. You know it, I know it. Admit it." There, I started it, let's see how she finishes it.
What was he talking about? What game? I am not playing games. He can be so exhausting. Then why am I here? I do love fighting with him. That's true. But that's all it is. No it's not. Don't lie to yourself. Maybe it is a game. A stupid game. I mean, why else haven't we killed each other yet? It's not like I don't have opportunity. He is helpless now. It would be so easy. But I don't. It try to tell myself that I don't want to hurt someone who is defenseless, but I suspect that the real reason is that I don't want this game to be over. I can't let him know that.
"There is nothing to admit. I don't know what kind of game you are talking about." I have to change this subject. I don't want him to break me down. "Maybe I am here because I want to know what is going on with you lately. Why are sneaking into my house? You never answered me, you know."
"What do you want me to say? I was bored. I had nothing better to do"
"Bored? So that is why you stole my pictures? To entertain yourself?"
"I didn't steal any pictures! You're nuts."
"I have eyes. I know what I saw. I may have been a little distracted, but I am not blind."
"Fine, then. You want the truth? I have been sneaking around and doing all kinds of other stupid things because I can't get you out of my head, okay?!"
What did he just say? Is this some sort of dream? Nightmare?
"What? You can't get me out of your head? What does that mean? Is this some kind of evil plan? Can't hurt me physically, so you will just mess with my mind, is that it? If you were plotting to confuse me to death, it's working."
"I'm not plotting anything."
"So what is it then?"
"Oh bloody hell, do I have to spell it out for you? I thought you were smarter than that."
"Yes, spell it out please." My heart is beating so fast. I think I might have a heart attack. I know slayers are meant to die young, but not like this.
"Fine. I have...I mean...I just like you, okay!"
" Like me? But, why? I thought you hated me? We hate each other, remember?"
I really can't believe this is happening. Did he just admit that he liked me? Spike? Feelings?
"I do hate you. I hate what I feel for you. I hate you for making me feel this way. But I am not alone, am I? You feel it too, I know it."
I can't believe I am telling her this. It is too late now, though. Maybe if I get this out in the open I will be able to see how completely foolish it all is.
"I don't feel anything. I don't know what you are talking about."
I moved closer. So close that we were almost touching. I could feel her heart beating in the air around us. She was scared. Terrified. But not of me. She wasn't afraid that I would hurt her. She was afraid because she did feel it too.
" You're lying. Don't try to pretend you don't know what I am talking about. That is fear in your eyes."
"I'm not afraid of you."
"No, you're not. You never were. This is different. You are afraid of this. You and me, together. Afraid because you know it's wrong, yet you can't stop it. I know, because I feel it too."
Now we were touching, and it was electric. I pushed her up against a tree and our faces were so close I could feel her breath. She was trembling.
"Let me go." She said quietly.
"Stop pretending. Admit it to yourself, to me."
She just stood there, staring at me. Fear and longing in her eyes. I saw her draw her stake from her pocket. She didn't say a word, she just clutched it tightly.
"If you want to kill me, Slayer, just do it. I don't care anymore."
"I will, you know. It would be so easy to dust you right now." She said, trying to act tougher than she felt.
"So then what is stopping you?"
She said nothing. She was breathing so heavily now. I leaned down closer and touched my lips to hers. I kissed her softly at first. I waited for her to fulfill her promise and turn me to dust. I didn't care. If I had to die, I would like nothing better than to die like this. With her. She did nothing. She melted into my arms. She kissed me back. Harder. Passionate. She dropped the stake and wrapped her arms around my neck. She wanted this, she wanted me.
I can't believe I am doing this. Why am I kissing him. It is so wrong, but right now it feels right. This is the biggest mistake of my life, but it feels so good. He's touching me. His hands are roaming my body, and I am letting it happen. I should have driven that stake right through his heart. So why didn't I? Because that would mean that this would have to end. But it does. It has to stop. I can't do this. I pushed him away.
"Stop! Please, just stop. We can't do this."
"Too late, we already are." He leaned in to try and kiss me again. I pushed him again.
"I mean it! Stop. We can't. It is just not right. I mean you are a vampire, I am a slayer. Mortal enemies, you know? This kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen."
"Oh, it's not the first time. I seem to remember it happening before." He said sarcastically.
"That was different. He had a soul, you don't."
"Oh, so now it's time to throw that in my face. Well, I may not have a soul, but if you will remember, I still can't kill anyone. I'm not even a real vampire anymore. What kind of vampire doesn't kill? If anything, I am even more pathetic than him"
He had a point. I mean he is harmless now, right? I know I am just grasping at straws, trying to justify this. But I have to.
"But, you're still a vampire. You still want to kill. That is the difference. It wasn't so long ago you still wanted to kill me. What if the chip goes bye-bye, then what? Are you still going to kill me?"
"I don't want to kill you. If I did I would have done it already. As for the chip, well, it looks like it is here to stay, so that isn't really an issue."
"Well, it is to me. I mean, I just don't know what I am feeling right now. This is all too freaky. I-I I think I need to leave now."
I just need to get away, away from him. I am afraid that if I stay something bad will happen. Something that I want, but know I can't have. It feels like the world is spinning too fast and I can't catch my breath.
I was not letting her leave. Not now. That kiss. It was amazing. I wanted more, and I know she did too. I went to grab her arm as she tried to walk away. I swung her around and pulled her close.
"Not so fast. I don't think you really want to leave yet. You never ran from me before."
"This is different. I am afraid that if I stay, I am going to regret this."
"You can't run from this. You can't hide. No matter how fast you run, it will catch up to you."
"I have to leave." She said softly.
I leaned in close. I could smell her. She was so beautiful. I kissed her again. Harder, more forceful than before. I didn't want to lose this. I didn't want to lose her. She responded, I felt her defenses weaken. She was into this. Into me. She wanted me as much as I wanted her.
"You want me." I said in between kisses. "Tell me that you want me."
"I want you." That was all I needed to hear. I took her hand and led her to my door.
What was I doing? I wanted him. I really did. More than anything I ever wanted before. I know that it was a mistake, but just for tonight I want to pretend that it isn't. Who knows what will happen? Right now, I don't care.
He led me into his room. There was some furniture; a lamp, a bed. It actually looked sort of cozy. He pulled me close. He kissed me again. His mouth felt so good. I never wanted this to stop. We were tearing at each other's clothes. His jacket came off, his shirt. He was standing there, looking at me. He was so sexy. I can't believe I am even thinking this, but I don't think that I ever wanted anyone more. He pulled my shirt off. He looked at me with such desire and curiosity. It was like he had never seen a woman before. But I knew he had. He kissed me again. My lips, my face, my neck. We fell onto the bed. I wanted him so much, I almost forgot who we were. Nothing mattered but this feeling. The room was spinning and everything seemed to be in slow motion. How could something this wrong, feel so right?
I don't think I have ever felt like this with a woman before. This was so different. I mean, she was human, alive. I just wanted to look at her and feel her. She was so warm. And she wanted me. Me. This girl was willing to risk everything, just to be with me. Why would she do this? I don't want to know, all I want is to be with her. To know her, all of her.
The room was still spinning as I lay in his arms. He is holding me close. I can't believe we did that. It makes no sense, but it feels so good, so perfect. Right now, I don't really care about consequences or reality. I just want to be here, with him. Nothing else matters.
"What are you thinking about, Luv?" He whispered.
"I am just thinking about you. About this. I don't want it to end."
"I don't want it to end either."
All I wanted to do was hold her. Forever. Damn the world, if they didn't understand. Nothing else matters.
"I am wondering what my friends would think if they knew about this."
"I am sure they would be thrilled. Are you going to tell them?"
"No. Not now anyway. I mean I don't even know what this is. I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain."
"Don't worry about that right now. Let's just keep this a secret. It's better that way." No one would understand. How could they, when we didn't even understand it ourselves.
"Tonight," she whispered, "let's just pretend that we are two ordinary people. I am not the slayer, and you aren't a vampire. That life doesn't exist. We are just two people...."
"In love." I said to her. I was in love with her.
She looked at me, shocked, but pleased. She smiled.
" Love? Is that what this is?"
I just looked at her. Kissed her forehead lightly and pulled her closer.
"I love you, Buffy."
She snuggled in close to me.
" I love you too."
I kissed her again, softly. She seemed so happy, yet there was still worry in her face.
"I just keep thinking that this will end, and that is was just a dream, and what would everyone else think?"
"Shh. Tonight, remember, we are just two people. Nothing else matters. At least for tonight. Forget all that. Nothing else matters but you and me."
"Right. Nothing else matters." She smiled up at me and I held her tight.
The room was still spinning, but I didn't care. My whole world was spinning out of control, but I liked it. I liked being in his arms. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I know that I didn't take the easy road, and maybe I made a huge mistake. But tonight, nothing else matters....