Surrender to the Darkness
~~~~ Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh. ~_~ I don't own any of these cuties. ~_~ Suing me would be a pointless waste of time since I'm broke and have nothing anyways (unemployment sucks). Credit for the title goes to Taryn (anime AndrAIa), because I'm lame and couldn't come up with one myself. ^_^ ~~~~
Chris: Tigerlily, read the warning…
Tigerlily: Warning!!! This fic has:
~ yaoi goodness - no lemon, just a bunch of random groping (in the next chapter) and fantasies
~ lots of bad words (thanks mostly to Yuugi)
~ major angst and darkness (it won't be pretty)
~ horny and lustful yami's
Chris: If you don't know what yaoi is, then this probably isn't for you. Yaoi and shounen ai deals with male x male relationships.
Tigerlily: So if ya don't like that sort of thing do us all a favor and hit the bricks. If you do flame us for it, you will be torched. *pulls out her trusty flamethrower*
Chris: So, if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
Tigerlily: So keep your damned mouth shut! You have been warned!!
Chris: One last thing. I'm not used to writing in this style so if it bites, sorry. Hopefully it won't be too weird. Otherwise enjoy! ^_^
'Am I finally dead? Did I actually succeed this time?' I open my eyes and see only my soul room. This accursed prison, my eternal hell. And to think I did it to myself. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But I wonder now if there might have been another way to seal the Shadow Games. After all, the power still managed to return, so sealing it and myself was kinda pointless. Granted it's back under control now, but for how long?
You can't fight fate and this cycle seems fated to repeat itself over and over again. The darkness can never really go away and it always returns to once again try to devour the light. It longs to dominate the light. Just as much as I long to devour and dominate my light. My hikari, with the most innocent of souls with clear amethyst eyes and enough love & kindness in his heart for the whole world. I hate him. I love him. I lust for him. I want him to love only me, but it can not be. To do so would taint him and I so long to taint him. Which is why I have once again awoken in my soul room.
As much as I long to make him mine, I know I shouldn't. It's not fair to him. Unlike others his age, he still retains his childlike innocence and awe of the world around him. I have no right to take that away from him. The only solution I have is to get as far away from him as I can. But it's not easy to leave his side and so I must take drastic measures. I've been trying to kill myself almost daily since I got my physical form. That was almost a month ago.
Before then, everything was fine and life was but a dream, so to speak. I cared for my aibou and would do anything and everything to protect him and keep him happy. I loved my hikari. I've always loved him and always will. At the time I thought it was merely brotherly affection. Then I got this damned body! Once again, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Are we seeing a pattern here?
We had found a spell that would enable me to have flesh and blood body, yet still be able to reside in the puzzle whenever I willed it. Who knew a body would be so much trouble? It's amazing, the sort of stuff you forget after 5,000 years. For example, I had forgotten how intense the feelings of lust could be. How bad the ache could be when you denied your body the pleasures of the flesh. Of being denied the object of your desire. But Yuugi is still an innocent and as much as I would love to dominate him and have him writhing beneath my body in ecstasy as I make him mine, I can't. I won't take his innocence away just to satiate my pleasure, my all consuming hunger. But Ra, how I long to make him mine.
It was the second day in my newly acquired flesh that I realized how badly I wanted him and decided what I needed to do. I slashed my forearms. I took a dagger I had confiscated from Bakura a week before. I cut into my flesh and traced the vein from my wrist to the bend in my arm. It was interesting to see my blood. After all it had been 5,000 years since I last bled. It was a lovely shade of rusted looking scarlet. I think I see Bakura's fascination with it… I remember sliding down the bathroom wall, waiting to die. I felt so cold and then passed out.
When I came to, instead of being judged by Set I was in my soul room. I have no idea how I got there. I still don't know how I end up there. All I know is, when I kill myself I end up back here. I curse my fate and find another way to try, hoping it'll work. Who knew dying could be so hard? Of course, I've been dead for 5,000 years but I'm trying to make a point here!
I'm dead, but not entirely… my erection is proof of that. Damn it! Must stop thinking about Yuugi. Mmmm, Yuugi… naked, body flushed and moaning in pleasure as I make him mine… Bad Yami! No naughty thoughts about the innocent hikari. Sigh. Okay, maybe one more… mmmm, Yuugi… I'm done.
The first time I tried, I thought it had all been a dream. The blade was clean, there was no blood to be found in the bathroom and most importantly, my arms were unmarred. I still don't know why that happened either. Yuugi came in smiling, said good morning and asked how I was doing… There was a sadness in his eyes… a sadness I could not place at the time. I realized later that he was trying to ask me in his own way, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"
I found the bloody towels soaking in his bathtub in an effort to keep them from staining. It was clear, Yuugi had cleaned it up but was afraid to say anything directly. I've never asked him how I ended up in my soul room or why there were no marks on my arms. We don't talk about it at all. It's better that way.
It hurt him to find me that way. I can tell. I don't have to ask because I see it in his eyes. The love and sorrow they vibrate with. Those beautiful amethyst orbs, that would see clear to my soul if I still had one. After that, I decided to make sure it wasn't him who found me. I can't bear to hurt him like that again. I've tried drowning myself, stepping in front of a bus, even a train, among many other things. Drowning was…interesting. Feeling the burning in your lungs while trying to fight the urge to swim to the surface… It was long and painful. Jumping off the Kaiba Corp.'s building was a lot quicker & painless. Of course when I woke up in my soul room, every inch of my body throbbed. Seto saw me… found me. I can't help but laugh now. It wiped that smug grin off his face. When we see each other, I see fear in his eyes… shock and disbelief. I'm not sure what scared him more. The fact that I did it or seeing me the next day as if nothing had happened. As funny as that is, I'm tired of doing this. Sigh. I think I'll go for a walk.
I force myself to materialize and find myself facing the object of my desire, and my downfall. My earthbound angel, Yuugi. He's sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework again. Books and papers spread out all over the place, it makes him look even cuter. He puts down his pencil and looks up at me with a bright smile on his lips, yet his eyes are full of unshed tears. They're so beautiful and his sweet lips beg to be kissed. But alas, I don't.
"Hello, Yami. How are you feeling today?"
"I'm fine, aibou. Is everything alright with you?"
I answer cheerfully as if I don't have a care in the world. But inside we both know it's a lie. Neither of us is brave enough to say anything about it. He answers my question, nearly crying. I can't stand to see him cry. It pains me to my very core.
"I'm fine, Yami."
"I'm going for a walk."
I tell him as I start walking towards the door. Then Yuugi says something that makes me stop dead in my tracks.
"You're going to try and kill yourself again, aren't you?"
Tears cascade down my cheeks. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, that I'd be brave and ask him why he felt the need to do this almost everyday. But now I really don't care, I just want to know why he's been doing this. He looks surprised.
"What do you mean, aibou?"
Is he kidding? Suddenly I feel rage building up inside me. How dare he! Does he think I'm stupid? I hate him so much right now. I start screaming at him and strangely I feel a little better.
"What do I mean?! You fucking bastard!! Do you think I don't know what you've been trying to do for the past month? I'm naïve, not stupid! Why, Yami? Tell me why?!"
He looks so lost. I feel sorry for him. What is he going through? What is running through his mind?
"You wouldn't understand."
He says it so quietly, I wonder if I heard it right. But no, I heard him clearly. My rage suddenly returns with a new fervor. I wouldn't understand?! How dare he! Who does he think he is? Oh yeah, he's The Pharaoh no Baka. Silly me. I glare at him and start to yell again with all the venom I can muster.
"I wouldn't understand? Poor Yami, you're so tortured…Bastard!"
He gasps, I think I surprised him with that one. Not that he's never been called a bastard before. Of course, in his mind he probably hasn't since Bakura and his opinions don't count. Funny how that works.
"Do you realize every time you die, I feel it in my soul? It feels as if my heart is going to explode, then my body goes numb and an emptiness fills me. I fucking damn tired of feeling this way!! I don't care if you think I won't understand! I have a right to know! You're not just hurting yourself, it affects me too!" I begin to sob, I can't help it. But I force myself to continue. "Every time you die, a piece of me goes with you… if you continue to do this, there will be nothing left of me. It scares me. I don't want you to die. I want you by my side, always. I can't imagine my life without you. Please, tell me why you're doing this?"
I give him my best puppy dog look. He never could resist it. But then he surprises me and sighs.
"Forgive me aibou, but I can't tell you."
I can't believe it, but it it's true.
"I hate you."
I say those three words with so much cold venom, I surprise even myself. He gasps in surprise and shock. Did he honestly think I wouldn't? That I would say it's all right, I understand? If he'd just tell me why, I could forgive him any trespass. I love him so much it hurts. But right now, all I can feel is rage and hurt. Fuck, if he held me now in his arms and took it all back I'd forgive him in a heartbeat.
I'd give him anything he desired, especially my own body. Okay, yes I admit it. I have a thing for my yami… a major thing. So sue me. I can't help it, I've always been fond of him. But once he got that body… that delicious, gorgeous body. My flesh burnt for him and ached for his touch, especially down "there". Yes, I'm not as innocent as I appear. I'm a goddamned teenager, believe it or not! I do have hormones, even if I do look like an eight year old. Granted and true I'm not experienced. But I do have the same urges everyone else has and a vivid imagination to go with it. I'm surprised he's never noticed how much time I spend in the bathroom. Damn hormones. It would be nothing short of pure bliss if he'd just wrap those strong arms around me and say he's sorry. But he doesn't and I hate him for it. All I want to do now is to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
"You're nothing but a selfish bastard! You know that? Or maybe you're too wrapped up in yourself to realize it? If you want to die so badly, then why don't you go see Bakura?! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to help you with your little problem!"
I can't stand being in the same room as him anymore and leave as I give him one final glare.
He hates me. The words cut like a dagger straight to my heart. I suddenly want to die more than ever. But at the same time I want nothing more than to take him into my arms and tell him the truth. But I don't. It might taint him or worse yet, make him hate me more than ever. I want to cry. I want to die. I want to love and hold him.
I gape at him as he suggests I enlist Bakura's help. Before I can say anything more, he is gone and the door slams loudly behind him. I laugh. He's right, Bakura would be more than thrilled to help me in this endeavor. The tomb robbers' skills are not just limited to thievery and desecration of graves. He's also very skilled in his ability to kill people. Yes, I will have to pay him a visit.
Chris: Bow before my evil and remember to review!
Chris: Hey! That's my line! Damn, yami… anyway, don't kill me. I know I'm evil and I know I should be working on my other fic. But this reared its ugly head and demanded to be written. It's hard to be funny when this is all that wants to come out. Actually, I have NO idea where this came from. So don't kill me, I have to get this done first before I go back to "Yami & Hikari Torture 101". Or at least get out of this mode. ~_~;; I already know how it's going to end and it should only be 4, maybe 5 chapters long. In fact chapter 2 is already half done! So if ya wanna see it review, so I know somebody cares. Otherwise, it'll be a while before I put it up.