And Now A Message From My Muses

By The Muses of RaistlinofMetallica

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RaistlinofMetallica's Note to Readers: Originally, a diguised beg for reviews, this has become a sort of free-form story comprised of one-shots, general silliness, tongue-in-cheek rants and snarktastic goodness. It's also me making fun of myself through my personifications of inspiration and a way to reassure people that I'm still working on my stories... which I am. Anyway: enjoy, everyone! Blanket disclaimer: Anything you recognize (except for my OCs, muses, my brain and the plot) I don't own. I do this for fun and absolutely no profit.

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How it all started...

A very cute looking Chibi Draco Malfoy appears on stage, a scroll in hand and he clears his throat. "Attention, readers of RaistlinofMetallica's stories! This is a message from us to you regarding our dear, dreaded authoress."

He points to a moderately young-looking girl on the other side of the stage. She is petting her Tom Riddle action figure on the head and muttering something about her "Precious."

"As you can see, she's a sick puppy," Chibi Raistlin notes dryly from his self-induced isolation.

Chibi Draco looks mortified and smacks him with the scroll. "Quiet, you fool! Do you want to anger her?"

"Her anger is nothing to her boredom," Chibi Raistlin remarks snidely. He then waves his hand and the blonde chibi is sent flying.

He lands on his ass and, grumbling, he stands. Once again with his Chibi-Malfoy dignity firmly in place, Chibi Draco turns to the audience. "This," he says and gestures to his authoress. "Is what happens to an authoress who feels neglected."

RaistlinofMetallica giggles insanely and purposely makes Harry Potter run headfirst into the wall four times. She holds her Tom doll next to her ear and giggles again. "Precious is funny! Imperi-oooooooooooooo!" she cries and makes Harry run around in circles before jumping into a vast abyss to a tragic demise. He reappears, unscathed, and slightly shaken, but she quickly remedies that by making him suffer through three hours of Lockhart's ramblings.

"I feel very sorry for the character she's torturing now," Chibi Raistlin yawns, and pretends not to see the burning Boy Who Lived running around on stage screaming like a banshee.

Chibi Draco glares at him. "No you don't. You're just jealous because she uses me more now!"

"I am not!" Chibi Raistlin shouts, indignant. "And you know very well that she uses my input on much of her HP fics."

The authoress smiles and pets her Tom doll again. "Precious… my precious…"

The HP muse grins wickedly at the DL muse. "The spice," he says warningly.

"AH! NO! NEVER, HARKONNEN!" Chibi Raistlin shouts in alarm. Then, realizing his slip, he slaps his forehead. "Damn."

But Chibi Draco's triumph is short-lived, for Chibi Raistlin is the original Sly One and his vengeance is very Slytherin in nature.

"Fetch!" shouts the DL muse evilly as he throws a snitch past the HP muse.

Chibi Draco swears and runs after it. He returns, shortly, with the snitch in his mouth and a flaming red countenance.

A diary flops down onto the floor, open on a page and Tom Riddle jumps out. "We characters are getting a little bored in limbo, lads," he says, glaring down at the two muses. "How goes the authoress retrieval program?"

"See for yourself, Elvis," Chibi Raistlin snorts, gesturing to his authoress.

The very peeved sixteen-year old self of the Dark Lord turns up his nose and comments mockingly, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Raist-chan."

Chibi Draco looks at the impatient character and wrings his scroll nervously. "Well, as you can see, it may take a while to break through. We were in the process of trying to appeal to the audience, but it seems we'll never get any reviewers at this rate."

Then, the blonde chibi sniffs and his eyes well up dramatically. "WAAHHHHHHH! WE'RE DOOMED! THE HORROR!" he wails.

Tom clamps a hand over the muse's mouth and sighs. "We need Snape."

There is a billowing of dark robes and Professor Snape appears. Behind him are the Sheriff of Nottingham, the Metatron, Hans (Die Hard), and any other roles that Alan Rickman has been in.

"So what should we do about her?" Chibi Raistlin asks, pointing at the authoress.

All the Rickman roles stare at the authoress curiously.

She obliviously pets her Tom doll and mumbles something about her "Precious"… again.

The Rickman roles all nod together and chorus, "The answer is obvious! Fifty points from Gryffindor, give me my detonators and call off Christmas! You shall be avenged! I hate it when people need things spelled out for them!"

The authoress giggles insanely and makes Harry run into the wall again.

"It didn't work. Back to limbo, all of you!" cries Chibi Raistlin, shooing them away.

Grumbling, the army of the Snapes vanishes and Tom jumps back into his diary.

Chibi Draco attempts to smooth out his mangled scroll. "We could always try the audience again."

"Whatever for? The authoress has updated several fics recently and only one has gained a review. Dieu De La Lune Foncée, the new one? Not a single review!" Chibi Raistlin states pointedly. "And we worked so hard on fixing it, too! I say to hell with the audience! They don't listen!"

Chibi Draco pouts, "But…"

"They only want to see what they want to see," Chibi Raistlin continues, fuming. "Harry and Ginny, Hermione and Ron, Draco and Harry, Draco and Ginny, Draco and Hermione, Snape and Hermione! The list goes on and on! They want a fuckfest of emotional stupidity and blatant disregard of the character's canon behaviors, not to mention morals! For the love of Lunitari! You and I both know that half of the stuff that happens the great JK would never write! It's a children's book, by Luni!"

Chibi Draco kicks him in the shins. "WE CAN AT LEAST TRY, YOU PRAGMATIC PSYCHO!"

At this, RaistlinofMetallica looks over and smiles at them. "I'm a whore of the dark lord!" she giggles proudly and pets her Tom doll.

"Oh, all right," Chibi Raistlin sighs. "Sooner than later, please. This is getting highly disturbing."

Tom peeks out of his diary. "I'll second that."

"Quiet you," Chibi Raistlin says and ties the diary shut with twine.

Chibi Draco once again turns to the audience. "Please save our authoress! We like her and for all her insanity, she treats us muses very well! She is upset because she puts a lot of effort into her fics and no one tells her how she's doing! It makes her feel like her work isn't worth the effort to continue."

"And if she doesn't continue, we muses cease to exist," Chibi Raistlin says slowly. "The fics will hang, unfinished and lost in the archives, continued only in flights of fancy when she is bored. If the fics stop, her artwork stops too. Her art comes as much from the fic as the fic comes from her art."

Chibi Draco sniffles. "I like my chibi-sketches. They were funny."

"There, there," Chibi Raistlin sighs, petting him on the shoulder. "We've done all we can."

RaistlinofMetallica gleefully has Harry crash into a rogue bludger. "Imperi-oooo!"