A/N: You have Diamond Topaz to thank for this. She's the one who suggested I do a suicide fic parody. Don't get me wrong; many fics concerning suicide are very good. But some of them . . . well, you'll see.
Disclaimer: If I owned IZ, there'd be episodes like "Dib and Gretchen Fall in Love" and "Zim Finds Out His Mission is a Lie for Real." So you'll be glad to know that I *don't* own it.
Dib was having a terrible day. Terrible enough to be declared "National Bad Day Day," even. (Inside joke between me and my sis. Yeah, I hate inside jokes too. So why did I bother writing it? Moving right along . . .)
Oh, such horrendous things had happened that day! Lemme tell you about it. First, while getting ready for skool, he discovered that he was out of (gasp!) clean socks! Oh, and THEN! Then when he was eating breakfast, he SPILLED orange juice all over the floor! And oh, it was not fun wiping up that juice. Not in the least.
Then--you're not gonna believe this--the kids at skool were (sob!) MEAN to him! . . . Yeah, I know they're always mean to him, but that day they were even worse than normal! They called him names like "freak," "loser," and even "Crazy Dibbers." . . . Okay, I guess those are just their usual insults. Except for that last one. Who in this cursed world would call him "Crazy Dibbers"? That might actually be a term of endearment. Hey, ya never know.
But anyway, you can't imagine how much *hatred* was in the kids' voices when they said those hurtful things to him! So hurtful!
I won't scar your eyes with the rest of the unfortunate events that transpired that day. Just take my word for it that it was really bad. It didn't help that his latest plan to expose Zim had been foiled yet again. Why did everything have to go so wrong? What did the universe have against this poor child who had done nothing but try to save the world that rejected him? Oh, the depressingness of it all!
As you can imagine, Dib was feeling really angsty. Because that's what he does best. Nope, he can never be funny. Nuh-uh.
So it happened, as Dib tripped over the threshold of his front door, that his thoughts turned to suicide. Never did it occur to him that his situation would improve, that tomorrow was a brand new day with no mistakes in it, that he should keep on the sunny side of life, that the rose-tinted glass was half full, cats always land on their feet, the grass is always greener on the other side, and--woops, sorry, guess I got a little carried away with cliches there. Basically, things weren't as bad as they seemed.
But Dib didn't think so. This is *angst*, after all. It must be dark! Bleak! And devoid of all hope, laughter, and mint chocolate chip icecream!
Anywho, Dib picked himself up and dragged his feet to the kitchen, where he carelessly pulled a knife from a drawer.
"I'm coming, Mom!" he cried dramatically, for everyone assumes that his mother is dead just because she never seems to be around.
"Uh, I'm right here," replied his mom, who in fact was inside a jar in one of the cabinets and was very tired of being ignored.
"I am so close to death I can hear her voice!" Dib exclaimed.
"What *are* you talking about?" asked his mother in confusion.
"Don't worry, Mom, soon we will be together!" That said, Dib pulled up his sleeve and raked the knife across his wrist, but it didn't break his skin. Dib's brow furrowed as he tried in vain to saw through his wrist. "Why won't this stupid thing cut?!"
"That's a butter knife, you dip," said Gaz from the other room. Gee, I almost forgot she existed.
Dib paused and looked at the knife. "Hey! It is a butter knife! Wait, how'd you know? You're in the livingroom."
From her perch on the blood hued sofa, Gaz shrugged. "I know stuff."
The preteen boy narrowed an eye. "What kind of stuff?"
"Just . . . stuff," Gaz replied nonchallantly. As Dib reached for an actually sharp knife, she called, "And don't even think about cutting yourself with an actually sharp knife. I don't want to slip on your blood while I'm getting a soda."
"What if I do it over the sink?"
"Oh, all right then."
But as he moved toward the sink, steak knife in hand, his mom, a bit slow to catch on, yelled, "Son! Don't do it! Think of all you have to live for!"
Dib hesitated. "Like what?"
"A nice house, plenty of food, good friends . . ."
"Well . . . You've still got me!"
"But . . . You're dead."
"Now Dib, that's not a nice thing to say!"
"But it's true!"
"No it's not, you silly little boy! You know I'm still alive in this jar!"
"Oh, I get it," Dib said knowingly. "You're one of those ghosts that doesn't know they're dead."
"I'm not dead!"
Dib shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry Mom, but you're just gonna have to except the fact that you're not alive anymore."
"But I *am* alive!"
They went on like that for quite awhile, so we'll leave them there and see what Zim's doing. At the moment, the self proclaimed Invader was checking his e-mail. Did you know Irkens have e-mail? Well they do in some fanfics, including this one.
Unlike his nemesis, Zim had had an exceptionally *good* day. Since I don't want to ruin the angst with descriptions of happy occurrences (and also 'cause I'm lazy) you'll just have to take my word for it that it was really good.
That would change, however, with one e-mail:
Teh tallests lied 2 u about ur mision. They neverwanted erth they sent u thier 2 die. ya they hate ur gutsz so doe severone els. just thoght u'd liek 2 no.
Invadr Fanchar ^_~
Well, Zim's first thought was, "Use spellcheck, moron!" But when he was finally able to decipher the poorly typed message, he thought, "The Tallest LIED to ZIM?! Sweet jumping chilli beans, this unknown stranger speaks truth! Why didn't see it before?! I'm such a fool! My life is a lie, I have nothing to live for!" The small Irken slumped in his chair. "Guess I might as well do myself in."
He pushed back his pink striped sleeve and extended his claw toward his self-destruct button. But just as he was about to press down, an ominous, cheesy tune began to play.
"Is that . . . music?" Zim asked warily.
That's right Zim! Get ready, 'cause I've decided to turn this into an ever-popular songfic!
"Would You Like to Swing on a Star?" lyrics by Johnny Burke.
I can't get the stinkin' html to work, so I'll have to use asteriks instead of italics.
*Would you like to swing on a star?
Carry moonbeams home in a jar?
And become more than what you are?
Or would you rather be a mule?*
"Where is that horrible earth noise coming from?! Computer!"
"Now what?" groaned the computer.
"Locate the source of this so-called music so that I can die in peace!"
*A mule is an animal with long funny ears,
Kicks up at anything he hears.
His back is brawny but his brain is weak,
He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak*
"Why do you want to die at all?"
"I just found out my mission is a lie, what else would I do!?"
"I don't know . . . Don't you think it's kind of dumb to kill yourself because of some stupid e-mail?"
"Did I ASK your opinion?"
"No . . . I'm just sayin' . . ."
*And by the way, if you hate to go to skool,
You may grow up to be a mule!*
Zim rubbed his temples. The singing, the computer's back talk, and the recent tragic news had given him a massive headache.
*Would you like to swing on a star?
Carry moonbeams home in a jar?
And become more than what you are?*
"That's it! I can't stand that infernal noise any longer!" His claw strayed toward the Button once more. "Goodbye, computer."
"Um, wouldn't it be easier to just turn off that boom box over there?"
*Or would you rather be a pig?*
Zim angled a would-be eyebrow. "Boom . . . box?"
The Irken did a one eighty and saw Gir grooving to the beat in front of a primitive sound-producing machine. Zim palmfaced--a human gesture but it seemed appropriate.
"Computer, why didn't you tell me before?!"
"You didn't ask."
Oh, of course. Well, no matter. Zim summoned what little dignity he had left and marched toward the source of the offending song.
*A pig is an animal with dirt on his face,
His shoes are a terrible disgrace.
He has no manners when he eats his food,
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude*
Reaching the boom box, Zim fumbled with the knobs until he found the one that turned it off.
Gir obliviously continued to dance, his metal feet clacking rhythmically on the hard floor. zim turned toward the elevator, planning on riding it down to the lowest level, where he would put an end to his eternal suffering . . . Wait that made no sense.
*But if you don't care a feather or a fig,
You may grow up to be a pig!*
Gaz still sat on the couch, kicking vampire piggy booty on her GS2, having a good old time, and generally minding her own business. All was going quite well until the Vampire Piggy Hunter started to act of his own free will.
It was peculiar, to say the least. One moment he was making porkchops out of vampire piggies, the next he was staring directly at Gaz and saying, "You're a bad person, you know that?"
The girl's eyes grew almost as big as Dib's. Seeing AND hearing things? She must be going schizo.
"What kind of sister would let her brother cut himself?" the game character continued. "Shame on you!"
Gaz shut her eyes and growled, "Don't make me turn you off!"
"Go ahead, it won't change what you did," he said with contempt. "You meanie!"
Angrily, the gamer switched off the Gameslave and stuffed it under one of the couch cushions. But the words of the Piggy Hunter struck a cord in her hardened heart. She broke down and sobbed, "Vampire Piggy Hunter was right, I am a bad person! I've been such a horrible sister to Dib! Mom would be so disappointed in me. I don't deserve to live. Alas, alack, and lack-a-day!"
Not wanting to be conventional, Gaz decided to simply stop breathing. Knives and bullets were for the weak; *she* would end her life through her own strength and will power. Just like that. Sounds impossible, but this is *Gaz* we're talking about.
Gaz's face was starting to turn purple when Dib walked into the livingroom, very much alive and unharmed. "Gaz, will you please tell Mom she's dead so she can cross over and rest in peace?"
His sister glowered at him, all the regret about not being nice to him temporarily forgotten. Dib saw the look but still thought he could persuade her for some reason. "Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but Mom's ghost is in the kitchen. I keep telling her she's dead, but she won't believe me. But she might believe you."
After holding her glare for a second, Gaz grabbed a conveniently located pen and a sheet of paper from the table in front of the TV. She then scribbled something onto it and held it out to Dib. Being a cartoon character, Dib read the message out loud. " 'I'm trying to kill myself, you idiot.' . . . But Gaz, why?"
Gaz printed two more words: "Why not?"
Choose your own ending!
1. Happy Ending
Nobody committed suicide. Dib, Gaz, and Zim were put on anti-depressants, which made them happy, or at least halfway normal. Membrane began to spend more time with his kids, Zim and Dib each got girlfriends, and Gaz hooked up with Iggins until he was brutally murdered by a thin redhaired man in a black coat, screaming, "DIE!! DIE ALREADY!!!" Yes, everything was right as rain and sappy as sunshine.
2. Sad Ending
Dib and Gaz committed a double suicide, Zim went 'slodey in his base, Gir starved to death, and Iggins was STILL brutally murdered by a skinny redhaired man (okay, I guess it wasn't all bad).
3. Irrelevent Songfic Ending
*All the monkeys aren't in the zoo,
Every day you meet quite a few.
So you see it's all up to you,
You can be better than you are.
You could be swingin' on a starrrrrrrrr!*
A/N: In case you didn't know, Jhonen actually did try to get Iggins killed on the show--twice!--but the Network-that-must-not-be-named wouldn't let him. So he gets his revenge in this fic.