Disclaimer: well, what do you expect? Oh, all right (sigh). I do not own
anything Tolkien related, and since I mention Harry Potter & the chamber of
secrets exactly once in this poem I have to mention it as well. What's with
disclaimers? If Tolkien was alive today would he really go through every
LOTR fanfic to check for disclaimers? No, hopefully he'd be too busy
writing another book.
A/N I don't have an excuse for writing this fanfic. Hell, it wasn't even
christmas. I was just bored. And I would like to point out so that nobody
gets any bad ideas, most of the fangirl targets mentioned here I do not
think are hot in the slightest. Except Legolas, who doesn't deserve to be
hunted by fangirls but he's so gorgeous they can't help it. And Merry and
Pippin are cute in a pet sort of way. Hmmmmm, pet hobbits.....must remember
that for future fanfic.
I am most definitely not a fangirl, and anyone who says so will be made to
watch the 1970's animated LOTR movie a few times, and Flipper too if I'm in
a really bad mood. Now that I'm done with death threats (or worse), we can
get on with the poem.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Last Homely House,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the mouse,
For the Rivendell people had thought 'twould be arty
To invite all their friends to a sleepover party.
There were Hobbits, Dwarves, Ents, Elves of Lothlorien,
Mirkwood too, Rohanites and Gondorian men,
All asleep or passed out, they didn't know,
An unspeakable horror was out there in the snow.
Fangirls! Such terrors, even Sauron was scared,
The Nazgul and orcs hid when Fangirls prepared
To go hunting for cute hobbits, hot elves, and spunky men,
And those that they caught were never heard of again.
Anyways, back to Rivendell, where most people were awake,
Hungover, mind you, make no mistake,
But Arwen was uneasy, and Eowyn too,
And not just because they'd tried Pippin's fondue.
They looked out the window, and through the thick snow,
The could see strange black birds, maybe some type of crow,
"Crebain from Dunland! Spies of Saruman!" Gandalf said,
"That can't be right!" exclaimed Frodo, "Sharkey's dead!"
"Oh my god!" screamed Aragorn, "There's fangirls out there!"
"Oh my god!" screamed Legolas, "They'll mess up my hair!"
"Oh my god!" screamed Frodo, "They've come for the ring!"
"For the love of....hide, you idiots!" said Arwen, "They're coming!"
Aragorn, Legolas, Eomer too,
Faramir, Pippin with his precious fondue,
Frodo, Sam, Haldir, and last came Merry,
Who at the last moment had grabbed the last sherry,
They hid in the kitchen and prayed for the best,
Then did the washing up cos they were bored, and the servants had a rest.
Out in the snow, the fangirls were getting bored,
Every time they'd attacked, they'd been absolutely floored
By Eowyn's pepper spray, and Arwen's tear gas,
Those two brave maidens were kicking fangirl ass,
There was no sign of their prey, so away they flew,
To harass the guys in Harry Potter 2.
A few hours later: "Nice one girls!" Elrond said,
"You must be tired. Anyway, it's time for bed."
"Not really," said Eowyn, "But I could do with a drink."
"There's cocktails in the fridge," Gandalf said with a wink.
As they helped themselves, Arwen said: "It's strange to me
That those big macho warriors are so cowardly.
Oh well, they're safe now, should we let them out of the flet*?"
"Naaah, they're doing the washing up for us, and that'll take a week yet."
*Flets are houses in trees that the Lothlorien elves live in, for more
information see the bit about Lothlorien in FOTR. And yes I know that it
doesn't make sense to have a kitchen in a flet, or a flet in Rivendell, or
to hide in a flet cos they're in the trees, but it rhymed. Don't hassle me
I just realised that there's not much about Dwarves or Ents in this poem,
but the thought of Gimli fangirls is too disgusting to consider. Anyway,
they're friends of Rivendell aren't they? They're not? Too bad.