INT. A sidewalk in front of a TV store. The females from FFVIII are talking. Garnet is on the screen.

Oh my god
Selphie, look at her butt
It is so big
She looks like she's some sort of Jabba the Hutt wanna-bee
Is she even 5 feet tall?
I bet Zidane screws her and then goes to laugh about it with his friends...
I mean her butt
It's just so big
I can't believe it's so huge...
She's just...let herself go...
I mean, it's gross
Look, she's just so...fat...

Suddenly, Zidane enters the screen.

I like big butts and I can not lie
The other FF fans can't deny
That when girls walk on-screen with an itty bitty waist
Putting nothing in your face
They get sprung
Can't even play tough
When they'll never get that stink-face stuff,(points to Garnet)
Even in that hoodie she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, Garnet, I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
Those Eight boys tried to warn me
But that butt you got made
Me so horney
Ooh, that'd be a good screw
You say you wanna be in my crew?
Well use me use me 'cause I have weaknesses for plus-sized groupies

I've seen her dancin'
Don't need romancin'
All that Sweat, wet, showing off before we've formally met

I'm tired of other games
Saying flat butts are the thang
Take the average Nine man and they'll tell you that
She gotta pack much back, So...

FF dudes (yo?) FF dudes (yo?)
Your love interests got the butt (hell no!)
So, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that big fat butt
Garnet got back

(East LA face with an Oakland booty)

I like'em wide and big
And when I'm stealing some shit
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like a GF,
Ain't PC 'cause I'm so def...

I wanna get her home
And -, double up - -
Ain't got graphics like Dreamcast,
All those bits can't make a decent ass!
I want em real, thick and juicy
So gimme that big fat double,
Zidane is in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at RPG promos
Skinny-ass bimbos acting like hos
You guys have them bimbos
I'll keep picking up women at Ho Jo
A word to the thickest sistas
I wanna get with ya
I might cuss and hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna -
Til the break of dawn
Zidane got it goin on
A lot of players won't like this song
Cuz them dudes lie to see it and beat it
But I'd rather stay and play
My tail's long, and I'm strong,
And I wanna get deep friction on

So ladies (yeah?), Ladies (yeah?)
So what if my game plays like Hades?
Just come over,
Stick it out,
Even VIII fans got to shout
Garnet got back

(East LA face with the Oakland booty)

Yeah baby...
When it comes to females...
Smithee don't got nothing to do with my selections...
34-20-34?
Only if she's 4'3"

Your love interest ain't built like a Honda?
Uses those workouts like Jane Fonda?
But they need an SUV to pass for their Honda
My monkey tail don't want none unless you've got buns hon
Don't need side bends or sit-ups, only need to back that up!
Some fans wanna play those old games
And tell you that the butt's gotta go,
So they toss it, or return it
I pull up before they just burn it,
So Smithee thinks you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Your waist is large, but it makes your curves kickin
Why're you thinking about sticking
To the beanpole dames in the other games?
She aint it miss thing
Give me this sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice never miss her
Other guys try talking shit
So I take them and drain the points Hit,
A good game, but he chose to diss it,
He pulled up too quick to dismiss it!
'Cause ladies if the butt's mad hot
And you wanna give Zidane some twat,
I'll come over, roll you in flour, and just aim for the wet spot..
Our gal got back...

FFIX Counterpoint Songfic
(alternate title: Princess Garnet looks like my Middle-Aged Bull Dyke Half-Sister)
Original music: Sir Mix-A-Lot
Redone by the Great One, the Sephiroth of the Songfic, the ICON, Alan Smithee
Comments welcome, flames? Try it...